Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Be Nice!

Okay everyone, I realize my posting has been lackluster of late, but bite me - cut a girl some slack! My home computer caught a nifty little virus that prompted it to start downloading porn (against my will), and I was not exactly feeling the love when everyone I knew a) didn't believe it was against my will and was frankly SHOCKED by some of my porn choices (as was I), and b) thought this whole porn fiasco was hysterical and didn't realize just how fucked I was until...the virus started stealing personal information from me (ed. note: FUCK!, I'm in the middle of acquiring all new bank accounts and credit cards right now), and eventually destroyed my laptop so that it doesn't even turn on. Needless to say I'm a little disheartened at the moment. But please, yell at me for not updating! Bring it on!

OK, I'm leaving the office early to go pick up my new Mac laptop (which set me back a grand I didn't want to spend), but I'll try to update in the next day or two so I can entertain you fuckers. Shit...does anyone have any funny stories they can share right now? I'm in desperate need of a laugh.

Friday, February 15, 2008

A Post Valentine’s Look Back

Yeah, I’m actually not that into Valentine’s Day – I learned through trial and error long ago that it’s never going to live up to expectations (whether you’re in a relationship or not), so it’s not even worth trying. Hence, I make a conscious effort to do nothing on the 14th of February.

Don’t get me wrong, I think the idea of setting aside one day a year simply to remind people to say ‘I love you’ is actually kind of nice, but let’s also be very clear here: Valentine’s Day is a made-up holiday that generally pisses more people off than it makes happy. And this is coming from someone who got chocolates AND cupcakes yesterday. (Sidenote: Sweets are so much better than flowers.)

But I digress, this post is really just about a nice little look back at two of my more memorable Valentine’s Days – one good and one bad – to a) show that I’ve seen this “holiday” from all sides, and hopefully explain why I now choose to spend it alone (even when I’m in a relationship); yes I’m weird, and b) give yet another example of my hideous taste in men and hopefully entertain you people.

The Good:
I was dating this guy years ago – he was fine, a little flaky but overall a nice guy – and lo and behold, Valentine’s Day rolled around about 4 months into our relationship. Mr. Flaky, being….um, flaky I guess, sort of blanked on it. And this was way back when I still had certain Valentine’s Day expectations. Essentially what happened was I showed up at his apartment (no, he didn’t come to me, that would have been too thoughtful), only to be greeted with ‘I uh, didn’t make any reservations anywhere. And my roommate just told me we wouldn’t be able to just show up someplace. Sooo, uh…what do you want to do?’

Fucking moron.

Anyway, since I couldn’t very well call him a moron to his face (no, even I’m not that mean), I instead tried to remain positive while looking around for flowers, candy, something, ANYTHING. But (as I’m sure you already realize) there was nothing like that around. Still, I didn’t give up (ah, to be young and stupid again – oh fuck it, I might as well admit that the guy was really cute and that counted for more than it should have back then …I was only human!).

I instead went and took a seat on his couch and watched him take bong hits while he struggled to ‘think’ of something for us to do on Valentine’s Day.

Finally, after about 2 hours of this, we just piled into his car and went for a drive. At some point we got hungry and stopped at a diner. In the middle of nowhere (seriously, we had driven for a while and were far from home). And that’s when it happened – we sat down in this little Mom & Pop diner, late at night on Valentine’s Day, and actually looked around. And we found that we were surrounded by these little old couples, from this small town, and everyone looked so…in love. And they were at a DINER. (Yes, I’m a snob, but I swear I have a point.) The point was, they were at this diner – probably the only restaurant in this small town – and they didn’t care. They didn’t care where they were, they only cared who they were with. And somehow, even though I had always known what was important and what wasn’t, it really hit home that night. Because they were right. This little diner was romantic for that one night. And as cheesy as it sounds now, I still get a little mushy inside thinking about it. So shut up and back off.

Anyway, long story short Mr. Flaky and I ended up having a great night. Once we walked into the diner it was like we both exhaled, relaxed, and actually took the time to enjoy each other’s company. To this day that’s my favorite Valentine’s memory.

The next year Mr. Flaky and I were still together (I know, I know), and he pulled out all the stops getting me 2 dozen roses, chocolates, dinner reservations, etc. And honestly, the day kind of sucked. We broke up shortly afterward. So you see, it’s not the STUFF that counts, it’s the person. (Now I just need to find one that’s worthwhile.)

The Bad:
This story doesn’t even deserve a good set-up. Suffice it to say I once dated a guy who had the nerve to ask me, on the night of Valentine’s Day, if he could blow off our plans to spend the night hanging with his buddies. Not to get too into my reaction, but let’s just say it wasn’t good. And this guy didn’t end up spending the night with his buddies. Nor did he spend it with me in my bed. Or with me at a restaurant. No, he spent it sitting in the hallway outside my apartment groveling.

The groveling didn’t work.

So those are my Valentine’s stories, is it any wonder that I choose to simply take all the pressure off and avoid the holiday now? But what about you guys? Does anyone have any of their own stories that are better (or worse). I gave The Good and The Bad – who has The Ugly?

Thursday, February 14, 2008

One F*cking Year!

I know, I can’t believe it either – who thought I would stick around a whole year (my recent inactivity ignored of course). Yup, Redhead and I’m Always Right have been around for 365 days (or wait, is today 366?). Why I started on Valentine’s Day is anyone’s guess, but what a year it has been. I had many weird moments, spilled my guts to you people, pissed many of you off (sorry about that, but I seem to have a gift), told some classic Redhead stories, bitched about…everything, lost a job, gained a job, blah, blah, blah. So, in true blog fashion, we’re going to celebrate with a look back. Here are some of my favorite posts:

My 3rd post, and a nice little introduction to me.

For all the ladies out there – this wish list is still pretty fucking accurate.

My first Drunk Redhead story.

One thing to know about me – whether you like it or not, I love me my Yankees. Oh, and…um…A-Rod. Shut up!

Seriously, this is how my brain works…it’s like I have ADD or something.

My friends and I are so weird.

When it comes to certain guys, pride apparently means nothing.

I still can’t drive a stick. Just saying.

You can find the weirdest stuff on the internet. But for me…well, that just gives me something to write about.

I was in a bad mental place when I wrote this. Sadly, I was in the same mental place yesterday, yet I wrote NOTHING. You’re welcome.

For once, I gave legitimately good advice. Strange, I know.

So I had a fight with a spider, and MAN did I lose. The Hideous Trifecta: One, Two, and Three.

I am a goddamn awesome friend, and don’t you forget it.

I should have realized at this point that it was only a matter of time before I became a vegetarian.

I may be a selfish bitch, but for my nephews…I’d do anything.

An important lesson: I’m not nearly as cool as I like to pretend I am.

And…ah shit, this is getting long. OK, I’m going to stop here – if there are others from the archives that you want me to link to, just say so and I’ll add them. If not…well, you suck. Either way, I guess what I’m trying to say here is I’ve had fun this past year. Hope you have too. Now enough of the mushy stuff – I’ll be back next week with some more Redhead goodness/badness/whining/annoyingness.

Wednesday, February 6, 2008

Very, Very Quick

So I’m walking down the street this morning, getting both rained and smoked on (fucking smokers on the street piss me off – I can’t really get pissed at the whole precipitation thing since 1) it’s all natural so there’s no one to get pissed at, and 2) I’m the moron who forgot my umbrella today), when some fucker almost lights me on fire!

No, that’s not an exaggeration. This one smoker (who had been freaking blowing smoke on me for like 2 straight blocks) – I’m speeding up for a reason jackass so don’t fucking speed up too! – finished the interminable cigarette from hell and then THREW the still flaming butt right at me! Fucking asshole.

The cigarette literally came within a fraction of an inch from hitting me. And Mr. Smoker didn’t care. Hell, Mr. Smoker didn’t even notice. And that just wasn’t acceptable.

Needless to say I voiced my objection. Anyway, after yelling at the guy to ‘Watch where you throw your fucking cigarette you incompetent douchebag!’ I walked into my office building and calmly took the elevator to my floor. And as I was recounting the smoker story to one of my colleagues (minus the profanity), she said to me: Wow, you’re not the kind of person I would want to piss off like that.

Now, if one of you said that to me I wouldn’t be surprised (I mean, I’m pretty honest with you guys about my personality flaws), but a colleague? I’m actually really nice to the people I work with. On purpose. So… I’m perplexed. Does my true bitchiness come through without my knowledge. It never has in the past – generally when I get to know people they exclaim how I’m nothing like they thought I was upon first meeting me. ‘Meaner’ I think is the word most often used. But now… Am I losing my touch? Am I off my game?

(mental shrug)

So, happy Wednesday everybody.

Friday, February 1, 2008

Why Do These Need Titles?

I have so much I want to talk to you guys about, but I’m having a whole catch-22 problem here – if I didn’t have a job or friends I would totally have the time to write posts for you (possibly even in a semi-coherent way), but if I didn’t have the aforementioned job and friends, I probably wouldn’t have anything interesting to say. Alas, life’s not fair.

So I just had a hugely awkward moment – I’m in the office kitchen buying a Milky Way from the vending machine (what, chocolate’s good for you!), when this dude comes in, takes one look at me, and says ‘Hi, I’m M! I feel like I see you every day and I thought I’d finally introduce myself.’ Now picture me, smiling and nodding my head at him while I give him my name, and all the while I’m thinking…? If you guessed ‘This guy doesn’t even look remotely familiar to me…am I too young to be going senile?’ you are eligible to win…nothing at all except maybe my respect!

Ooh, quick survey question (for the purposes of this survey imagine yourself a redhead): If a person of the opposite sex approached you in a bar, and asked you (almost immediately) if you were a natural redhead (no small talk had even taken place at this point), would you be offended? I mean, is there ANY way you’re not being asked if everything…matches? Ugh – men.

I’m currently planning my trip to Italy (did I mention I’m going to Italy for 2 weeks this spring?). Anyway, I’m currently planning my trip and I’m already losing my mind – has anyone here ever been to Bologna/Florence/Venice? If you have, feel free to make hotel/restaurant suggestions. Sharing is good! Ugh, I’m burnt out on this vacation already.

Yay, my assistant starts next week! I cannot fucking wait! My head was thisclose to exploding. As I explained to mcbias last week, I have been copyediting around 8 books a day recently – keep in mind that’s a lot of books to cover even if I were, oh I don’t know, a copyeditor. However since I’m NOT a copyeditor (I’m simply the only person in my office capable of doing it), this has obviously been taking up a lot of my time. Time I really should (and weirdly am also expected to) be using to do my JOB – ie. taking meetings, reviewing books, acquiring books, negotiating deals, working on contracts, etc. But now that I have my assistant starting on Monday – someone I can train to copyedit these books for me AND handle my schedule…sigh. Bliss. I’m going to be in such a happy place.

You know what’s NOT a happy place lately – the 6 train in Manhattan. Not only have the trains been a nightmare recently (I REFUSE to believe there have been signal problems EVERY SINGLE DAY during rush hour this week), but everyone on them seems to be sick and coughing on me. This morning I had no less than 8 people hacking away around me, and one guy actually pulled out that Afrin spray and was shooting it up his nose. Right next to me. (I thought I was going to jump out of my skin.) So MTA, just get some trains running and get these MASSES of people to and from work in some sort of an orderly manner. Please (you incompetent assholes!).

And finally a thought on the Cobra Brigade Bruce Paine articles – the series has some sort of name that I can’t remember right now, but hey, since I’m a little late in commenting on these anyway, who cares? My main thought so far: I’m…intrigued (and at times highly disturbed). If you dare, read this beauty on how Paine has decided to get closer to his food source – essentially it means he goes to a farm, chooses the animal he wants, and then helps to slaughter and butcher it; I had several thoughts on this (before I had to stop reading halfway through thanks to my delicate sensibilities). The top 2: 1) I respect anyone who realistically understands and accepts how meat ends up on their plate (God knows I chose to live in intentional ignorance when I ate it), and if, on top of all that, he or she has the balls to actually participate in the process – well, let’s just say I can’t argue that. I might even respect that. 2) If I hadn’t already been a vegetarian before reading that post, I would have been after. Poor little piggy. Bruce Paine is a monster – never forget that.

The other Paine article I want to comment on is Reciprocity – a nifty little conversation on relationships and sex (2 of my favorite topics). And the main thing I want to say is…I agree with him (gasp!). I know, I agree with someone else and I’m taking the time out to mention it here! (Today is a day for miracles apparently.) No, but in all seriousness the basic premise of the post seems to be that sex, like relationships, is about both giving AND receiving. Some other talking points from the post: If you like something (sexually speaking), then your partner should like it too – otherwise you’re fucked (um…but not in a good way). Oh, and you can and will learn more about your own wants and needs as the years go by.

That’s the cliff notes version of what I got out of it anyway – I urge you guys to click the link and read it for yourselves though (he argues things much better than I have the time to here; plus I don’t want to just repeat everything he wrote). One quick note: Ignore the stupid dude in the post who apparently likes dry humping inanimate objects – he was annoying and didn’t really add anything to the conversation. Guys can be such losers when they hang out together.

Alright, that’s it for me today. Have you all missed me?