Friday, March 28, 2008


Hey all,

So I’ve been a teeny bit stressed lately getting ready to leave for Italy – and considering that I’m leaving tomorrow and haven’t packed or really done anything to prepare (outside of work), I’m laughably NOT ready. The sheer amount of shit I’ve had to get done in order to leave the office for 2 weeks is…daunting to say the least. AND, since the first few days of my trip are, in fact, work related (don’t mock, it makes the flights free), I also have to prepare for 4 straight days of meetings. AGH!!!!!!

Anyway, I’ve now been reduced to such a tightly strung mess that both Christine and my assistant have started to ask if maybe they should just go out and get some necessities for me, like, oh I don’t know, toiletries! I need little toothpaste tubes and little shampoos and conditioners for my trip, and I don’t have the time (or inclination) to get them! I also seem to have misplaced the 3 pairs of shoes that I actually remembered to buy for this trip!

OK, too many exclamation points. The lesson here is 1) I’m a spaz, 2) I’m leaving on a jet plane tomorrow and am not prepared, 3) the exchange rate between euros and US dollars is obscene, 4) I haven’t eaten in like 3 days I’m so stressed about being away from the office and email for the next 2 weeks (shut up – I’ve become the person I used to mock), 5) the odds of my luggage getting lost during this trip are staggeringly good, and 6) I’m going to miss my cat while I’m away (I SAID shut up).

But I didn’t want to leave without throwing something up here, so here goes – a short story about why I’m a danger to myself:

I fell asleep last night like I always do – my head hit the pillow, my brain whirred around reminding me of all the stuff I had forgotten to do that day, and shortly thereafter I shrugged it off and fell asleep. Now, I sleep like the dead. I LOVE sleeping, so I’ll admit to not noticing/waking up to many things once I’ve settled in to my REM cycle. But I will say that even I was surprised when I woke up on the FLOOR this morning. Apparently, at some point during the night I fell off the bed (taking my pillow with me it would seem), and I NEVER WOKE UP. My alarm went off, I opened my eyes, and I found myself sprawled out on my hardwood floor staring at the (rather impressive) collection of dust bunnies under my bed.

My cat was still in the place she had begun the night – lying in the middle of my bed on the comforter. My cat is smarter than I am.

And finally, a question that you will all probably be too late in answering: Do you tip cab drivers in Italy?

Friday, March 21, 2008

Step Back, Jack

Hmmm, it seems like every time I get an angry comment from Cobra about my sporadic posting, I invariably give in and put something up here in response…like right now. I’m thinking this makes our relationship mildly unhealthy – he puts me down and I jump in an effort to please him. I’m also thinking this makes me a pussy – both figuratively (I mean, why should I care if Cobra’s pissed?) and, obviously, literally (because…well you know, I have one). So Mr. Jack Cobra, I will not accede to your wishes (after this one time of course)! I will post when I want, about what I want, and for as long as I want!

In fact, just for that…we’re having another Book Club. Hold on tight boys, this is going to get ugly.

(Warning: For those of you who weren’t around for the last book club, these are not for “good” books. I only cover books that were frankly so shocking, I just had to share the perversity. So if you’re one of those figurative pussies, bail out now.)

Oh, also – NSFW! If you’re going to read this at your desk, make sure no one’s standing behind you.

Book title: Nicholas: The Lords of Satyr
Redhead’s comments: I bought this book without even bothering to find out what it was about – apparently putting gorgeous, almost-naked male bodies on the cover really is a good marketing ploy.

Author: Elizabeth Amber
Redhead’s comments: I’d never read anything by this author before, but as I’ve already stated the cover was…compelling.

Synopsis (from the publisher): Nicholas looks very much like what he is – the handsome, successful heir to a vineyard in Tuscany. But Nicholas is much more, for he is one of the last in an ancient line of satyr men. And the dying king of ElseWorld wants him not only to marry, but to wed one of the king’s own daughters – a half-human, half-faerie woman unaware of her heritage. Nicholas won’t shirk his duty to produce heirs to guard his race’s legacies, but he never plans to make his bride his only lover. A satyr’s sexual hunger and sensual skills are legendary. One woman will never satisfy him.

Or so Nicholas believes until he meets Jane. As spirited as she is fey, as beautiful as she is innocent, she is nevertheless determined to make her new husband hers alone – and she’s eager for him to teach her every deliciously carnal secret he knows…

Redhead’s comments: OK, first and foremost – shut up. I know how it reads. And honestly, I don’t care; it should come as no surprise to anyone that the romance genre leans heavily into fantasy. Anyway, I decided to read this book with an open mind, and holy shit it’s a good thing I did. What they don’t tell you in the synopsis: These satyr guys grow a 2nd dick during every full moon, or as they like to refer to it, the Calling. And they use them – not surprisingly – for double penetration. But um, some other things happen during this full moon as well. Rather than describing it myself (which frankly makes me blush), let’s jump to the excerpt a little early.

His lips brushed her shoulder. “My second cock is quenched,” he told her. “It will trouble you no more this night.”

He made no mention of the fact that his other oversize cock remained inside her vagina, poised and throbbing.

She wiggled against it. “I thought I felt, that is… Didn’t you spill inside me?”
A hand stroked her rib. “This is the way of the Calling. My shaft won’t grow flaccid until sunrise.”

She smiled at him over her shoulder. “Excellent.”

“I’m glad you think so.” He grinned and withdrew only to turn her to face him and slide into her again. Wrapping a hand under her bottom he lifted her slightly, tilting her hips forward.

He fucked her shallowly for a time, letting her opening massage the swollen plum of his tip, watching her accommodate it over and over. The petals of her labia folded inward with his taking and then blossomed outward with each retreat. His hand slid higher along her hips, and he pressed closer, watching her face.

“The elixir did its work then? My second cock didn’t cause you too much distress?”

“No, you were right. It – ahh!?” Startled, she cried out, trying to sit up and scoot away. “Something is – ahh!”

An unidentified serpentine instrument had unfurled from below his scrotum to tickle its way inside her anus! She wiggled her buttocks in confused delight as more of the tonguelike protrusion made its way into her rear entrance.

“Oh! What is that?” she asked, sighing despite the strangeness of it.

“The Seeker. Another feature of the Calling,” he informed her with a rakish smile. “One females are said to greatly enjoy.”

The long appendage slithered within the crimpled crevice of her buttocks, licking up his deposits and healing her abraded tissue.

Redhead’s comments: Yeah…yeah. So, it took me about 2 weeks to come back and finish the book after this scene. I am just NOT, NOT, NOT a fan of snakes, and (while I realize what the author was going for here) that pretty much means this scene put into words my worst nightmare. And didn’t give ANY warning that it was going to happen. (Deep breaths…) So yeah, this time around I’m using the Book Club as a way to exorcise the demons that this book put in my head. Does this scene creep any of you out too? (Besides the boys, who are going to complain no matter what.) I mean what…the…fuck?! Snakes ENTERING the body?! Damnit, I need a drink.

Wrapup: Total sex scenes…um, a bunch (including one with the female protagonist, Nicholas, and his 2 brothers). Will I be reading the other 2 books in this series? No fucking way. Overall mental anguish brought on by this book – more than I would care to admit. Overall mental anguish passed on to my readers thanks to this book club – I would image a considerable amount. Sorry about that guys.

So anyway Jack, that one was for you.

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Thoughts, Issues, General Awesomeness

-So my assistant gets all angry this morning (on my behalf) because some publisher sends her an email essentially saying he wants to have a meeting with me just so he can tell me off. (I never like any of the books he sends me so I have her return all of them with our standard rejection letter.) My comment to her about this: ‘You know what, schedule the meeting. I’m in the mood for a good fight.’ My assistant then tells me I’m cool.

Then this afternoon my assistant mentions to me that the guy downstairs (who cuts all our POs and is admittedly a stud – at least in the looks department) has a huge crush on me. My response to that: ‘Yeah, I know.’ At that point she tells me I’m awesome.

Clearly my assistant is easily impressed. Still, I’ll admit to enjoying the fact that she thinks I’m a rock star.

-Why the fuck is Daylight Savings Time starting so early nowadays? I feel like I’m getting up in the middle of the night. This shit has got to stop.

-I saw The Bank Job with Jason Statham this weekend (somehow I managed to talk Christine out of seeing The Other Boleyn Girl – thank God), and I have to say…pretty damn good. Oh, and Jason Statham is too, too sexy. I want to lick him all over. (Overshare?)

-Christine and I decided to go out for brunch before the movie on Saturday. Now for those of you who don’t live in NY, it was raining like a motherfucker (is that even a saying?) on Saturday. And the place I chose for brunch had, well, closed at some point between the last time I’d been there and this past weekend. (I have a weird knack for choosing places that are no longer open – it’s a gift.) So anyway, needless to say we ended up having to find another place to obtain sustenance. So we started walking, and at some point I decided to just walk through a shallow puddle rather than going around it (hell I was soaked anyway, and my jeans were so weighed down I didn’t want to have to do ‘the leap’ either), so…yeah, let’s just say I misjudged the…um, HEFT of the puddle. In reward for my laziness I got an impromptu NYC street bath at the corner of 88th and 3rd.

I guess you can imagine the shape I was in when we finally arrived at our brunch restaurant of choice. Long story short I decided to self-medicate against the cold and my soaking wet clothes by drinking WAY too much alcohol (at least for noon on a Saturday), and because of this I arrived at the movie completely blasted. So for everyone who was at the 2pm showing of The Bank Job on the Upper East Side last weekend – sorry I yelled out ‘Shit, I have to pee!’ halfway through the movie before standing up and stumbling past a row of people and out of the theater. And…um…sorry I wasn’t any quieter when I came back. 3 mimosas and 2 bloody marys so early in the day was – in retrospect – a poor idea.

-The pipes in my kitchen are making this weird sound…kind of like a truck starting. Should I be worried? Do I have to clean my apartment before calling my super to come take a look? What are the odds that I get around to fixing this in the next month?

-The guy standing next to me on the train this morning smelled amazing. I thought I was being nonchalant about the fact that I was…um…essentially sniffing a stranger on the subway (shut up – don’t judge me). I learned that I was wrong when he turned and gave me a look that said quite clearly, ‘What the fuck are you doing, Crazy Woman?’ Have you ever seen a redhead blush? I mean REALLY blush? I looked like I was on fire.

-I rolled over the other night and almost killed my cat (and FYI, have you ever head a cat screech? Damn). I feel bad about that. Just thought I’d share.

-Did I ever tell you guys about the time I was doing Tae Bo (back when the videos came out), and I punched myself in the face? Yeah, nothing says ‘I exercise’ like a black eye.

-So Christine just called me to discuss this whole Eliot Spitzer debacle. Know what lesson we seem to have learned from this whole thing? We should have become high priced prostitutes. No, seriously – Christine (an Ivy League educated MBA grad) and I both commented on how much these chicks can make in an hour, and we decided we were wasting our lives in real jobs. Turns out every woman does have her price, and $1500 an hour seems to be ours.

And on that note – what’s going on with you guys? Still pissed I’m not posting enough? Is anyone still reading this damn thing?

Friday, March 7, 2008

Not a Real Post

So I'm running the weekly production meeting at work this morning, and it was about as close to a train wreck as anything I've ever seen (although admittedly, I've never technically seen a REAL trainwreck). The information I had, no one wanted. The questions that were asked, I didn't have satisfactory answers for. The papers I asked my assistant to print out, somehow didn't make it into the meeting. The questions I asked, nobody deigned to answer. And overall it was just...well, it wasn't anything good. So imagine my surprise when I'm gathering my stuff afterwards, and my boss turns to me:

Boss: I thought that went really well.
Redhead: Are you kidding?
Boss: Not at all. You really held your own in there.
Redhead: It was a bloodbath!
Boss: You did a good job.

Anyway, yeah - I'm pretty sure my boss has lost her mind (or she's on drugs). But on the plus side, maybe she won't notice if I leave early today. Or at the very least she'll share the drugs.

Wednesday, March 5, 2008

You May Be Dumber After Reading This

If you guys think I’ve only been ignoring you recently, you’re just wrong. Terribly, terribly wrong. I am, at this point, the worst friend/(ex)girlfriend in the world. Need examples? Okey dokey.

An email I got from Christine yesterday went a little something like this: Dude, I’ve called and left messages like 5 times in the past 3 weeks. What the fuck is your problem? Call me back!

My parting words for my too-young-for-me-anyway boyfriend: I don’t have time for this right now. I’m sorry.

The 2 emails (and by that I mean that this happened on two separate occasions) I sent out to my old work colleagues only hours before we were planning on meeting for dinner: It’s looking like I’m going to have to work late again tonight. Can we reschedule?

I am officially the hardest working person I know. And goddamn it, I don’t want to be! My assistant is great, but it didn’t occur to me that you can’t train a person to be an editor (when they have no previous experience) in just a week or so. Which sucks. So in conclusion: 1) Being an editor isn’t as easy at it looks (which I should have known; I used to be one), 2) giving one person a job (namely me) that two people used to do is just cruel, because there aren’t enough hours in the day for that one person to get all the shit that needs to get done, done, and 3) I’m fucked (and once again, not in the good way).

But enough bitching (total lie)! How’s everyone else’s life treating them? Anything interesting happen to you people lately? As for me, well…yeah, I’ve been working a lot. I broke up with my too-young-for-me-anyway boyfriend (as I’m sure you gathered above). John is still not speaking to me, but I heard he did ask a mutual friend how I was. Linda bought me a new vibrator as a gift since I had to get rid of my old computer and all its (unintentional) porn. I saw Avenue Q two weeks ago on Broadway and loved it (Guy: Cum. Woman: -mitment. Guy: Cum. Woman: -mitment.) – so funny. I still haven’t made reservations for my Italy trip yet (besides having plane tickets I’ve done jack shit as far as planning goes) and my sister is going to kill me when she finds out (yes, I’m going to Italy with the sis). And…

Yeah, so I’m thinking I should write something for you here besides boring updates about my life. So…is there anything everyone has always wanted to know about me? Do you want me to maybe do a post about all the things that piss me off? The list really does go on and on and on. Maybe you want another story from my past – just ask! (Is anyone even still reading this – admittedly – poorly updated blog?) Or if you’re feeling really brave maybe you want my advice on something going on in your life – I’m full of opinions and am not afraid of sharing! Hell, maybe you want my thoughts on…some topic to be named later – I’m your woman.

Ah fuck it, this is the most boring post ever. I promise to do better next time. In the meantime I have to go back to work. Still, good shit coming in the future. I swear. Really.