Life Lesson

My boss just emailed to say she isn’t going to make it into the office for our 11am meeting. This doesn't surprise me since she rarely makes it into the office before 11:30; she’s also 25 years old and not very bright. Yet she’s my boss and makes more money than I do, and do you want to know why? Because she slept with the right person (*cough* president of the company *cough*). I sleep with bartenders. So basically the only thing I can expect to get out of my sex is an orgasm, which is something I can give myself if necessary. Meanwhile she gets a large office, money, and a very nice title on her resume. So when you think about it, which one of us is really the stupid one?

Hate/Love

I’d fallen a little behind on reading Kurt Sutter’s blog (creator of the excellent and addictive Sons of Anarchy), so I only came across his “Hate/Love: Why I Am On Medication” post today. It’s awesome, and it made me start thinking about my own Hate/Love list, so…I stole the idea (although I am giving credit – I may be lazy, but at least I'm honest).

I hate stupid people.
I hate my job.
I hate looking for a new job.
I hate being the smartest person in the room.
I hate it when I don’t feel challenged.
I hate pity.
I hate rent.
I hate people who don’t keep promises.
I hate talking on the phone.
I hate almost everyone on the subway.
I hate snakes.
I hate dates (the fruit, not the activity).
I hate when I think of the perfect retort after a conversation is over.
I hate anyone or anything that fucks with my family.
I hate that I haven’t done anything significant with my life yet.


I love loyalty.
I love reading.
I love animals.
I love music.
I love scotch.
I love vodka.
I love cigarettes.
I love coffee.
I love vices.
I love people who take chances.
I love people who are smarter than I am.
I love winning an argument.
I love high heels.
I love my family.
I love writing.

Anyone Home?

I actually almost forgot the address for this site. Wow. So, anyway...let's just pretend it's not weird that I'm stopping by here after an extended break, okay? Great.

I had to share the following email with everyone - it's just so amazing. My sister forwarded it to me last night, and I could not stop laughing. I honestly loved almost every point made on it. With the exception of only one of two, each had me laughing and yelling out 'Oh my God, YES!'

So I'm sharing, because that's the kind of cool chick I am. Enjoy:

Adult Truths

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the heck are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.

14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.

17. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

22. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

23. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey -- but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.

24. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.

The Giving Tree and Other Links

Have you ever read a quote by someone else, and thought to yourself ‘that could have come out of my mouth – in fact, I'm pretty sure I've said that before in exactly the same way'? Let me assure you, when/if it happens it's weird and kind of awesome all at the same time. And while I generally don't like sharing thoughts and opinions with actors, I've got to give it up to Ryan Gosling; he pretty much nailed the children’s book The Giving Tree:

That book is so fucked up; that story’s the worst. I mean, at the end the tree is a stump and the old guy just sitting on him – he’s just used him to death, and you’re supposed to want to be the tree? Fuck you. You be the tree. I don’t want to be the tree. [NY Mag]

Words to live by.

Also, my assistant sent me the following two links a while ago. I loved both of them (cracked me up – genius), but I never got around to sharing the goodness with you fine people. So…here you go. One’s just awesome in and of itself, and the other is for those of us who read the Twilight books (for whatever reason), didn’t fucking get it, and continually try to explain to the psychopaths out there that it’s not even a well-written, well-executed book! Seriously people, it’s not.

Anyway, enough of me talking (writing). Onto the good stuff:

Can’t…stop…laughing.
Amazingness. My favorite line - Somebody's stupid here, and I think she thinks it's me.

My Cat the C*ckblocker

My friend Linda actually gave my cat this moniker after I told her about a date I had last week. Long story short, I was going out with this dude and (as can happen) we ended up at my apartment. Things progressed to the bedroom, and sometime after clothes were removed we started to hear this ungodly sound – I would describe it as kind of a screechy yowling noise.

Choosing to ignore it, we continued on with our entertainment. And then, after about a half-hour of terrible sounds coming from my closet, my cat jumps up on the bed, gets in the dude’s face, and starts hissing. It was a mood killer to say the least.

After pushing her off the bed and attempting to make a joke about it, the dude and I focused and managed to finish what we started (or rather he did – men, by the age of 35 you should know how to give a woman an orgasm, I cannot stress that enough). Anyway, as we were laying around afterwards he sort of said something about the cat thing being a little weird (I wholeheartedly agreed), and at a loss of what else to say I made some comment about her never having reacted that way before (it was only after the words left my mouth that it occurred to me maybe I could have said that differently...or not at all).

Not surprisingly we haven’t spoken since that night (no real loss), but something positive did come from it all – a new nickname was born. From now on, my cat will be referred to as C*ckblocker! Awesome.

One quick concern before I leave though – this isn’t going to become something C*ckblocker does a lot is it? Does anyone here know anything about cats? I’m not sure how I’m ever going to get a guy to stick around if my (6 pound) cat tries to attack him every time we do the nasty. I mean, I was kind of touched that she tried to ‘protect’ me, and this guy wasn’t going to be a keeper anyway, but assuming I do meet someone that I want to see again, um... Yeah, I’m going to go with believing this was just a one-time thing for now. The alternative is not something I can deal with.

I'm Baffled

I haven’t been around here a lot recently, mainly because I’ve had a lot going on in my personal life. The big story is actually one that I’m not going to get into here – had a short lived relationship with a guy that ended in a spectacularly bad way – but I will get into another story that just happened and has left me completely baffled. I need advice/opinions from men here because I am currently in a state of WTF and it’s annoying me. Suffice it to say, my luck with the opposite sex has been HIDEOUS lately.

So the story: There’s this bartender (yes, another bartender) that I’ve been flirting with for months. I gave him my number a while ago, he never called, said he lost it and asked for it again. Being a self-respecting female I told him no, because you never give a guy your number more than once (that’s a rule ladies). Still, he was persistent, giving me his number (I didn’t call) and continually asking for mine. Eventually I gave in, he got the number again (there goes the self-respect, but in my defense I was drunk when I gave it), and we agreed to go out.

Our date ended up being a full day event of skiing (I’d never skied before). It was…great. We literally spent from 6:30 in the morning until 11 at night together, and there were no awkward moments in the conversation. We laughed a lot, talked a lot, drank a lot (after the skiing ended – we’re responsible adults, I promise!), and made out a lot. The day ended with him throwing me up against the wall at a bar we’d ended up at and full-on making out with me like a stud. I’m telling you, it was surprisingly hot. After regaining my equilibrium I left, and an hour later I got a text saying he’d just gotten home, and good night – talk soon.

Fast forward 2 weeks, and no word from him. I’m confused, because while I realize I’m being blown off, I don’t know how it happened. Or rather, I don’t know why it happened. This was not a mediocre date; it was an amazing date. So I end up at the bar where he works with a friend last night (we go there a lot), and the dude completely avoids me. I mean, we sat down at the bar and it took him 20 minutes of working right in front of us to say hi (we did get our drinks right away from the other bartender, otherwise I would have been beyond pissed). Then he avoided us and eye contact for the rest of the night. Ummm…what?

Is he still in high school or something? What the fuck is going on here? What am I missing? I mean, I realize what it all means, I just don’t get it. A) The behavior is completely unacceptable and is making things awkward when it doesn’t have to be (which sucks because he works at one of my favorite bars), and B) it totally doesn’t make sense. It’s not like I was pressuring this guy for a relationship – we’d been on one date, and not to put too fine a point on it but he wasn’t exactly boyfriend material. So why the sudden turn-around and weird behavior?

Can I call him out on all of this? Of course not – I know that – it would just make him think I’m a psycho. So men out there, please explain this to me. Ask follow-up questions if you need more info. And is there anything I can do/say to the emotionally stunted moron to make things less awkward in the future? I don’t want to lose this bar. For the first time in a long time I didn’t see a blow-off coming and I can’t for the life of me figure out why it happened – I am generally very good at figuring out men, but this one has stumped me. And how do I deal with him from here?

Ugh – men.

Am I Too Judgmental?

So I’m on the subway this morning, and there’s this delicious guy standing near me – tall, blond, beautifully dressed, the works. And as we’re making eyes at each other, I realize something…he has popped the collar of his camel hair coat. I found myself distracted by this. Just how large of a douche does a guy have to be to try to pull this off? To me the popped collar, on a perfectly fitted camel hair coat no less, was like an 8 out of 10 on the douche scale. So when he caught my eye again and smiled, I looked away. Too harsh?

Let me say this about the popped collar – not only is it a throwback to the ‘80s, John Hughes, rich/bad-boy douchiness of yore, but it looks stupid! What? Are you protecting the back of your neck from the wind? (Note: Subway Guy was wearing a scarf, so that excuse doesn’t fly.)

Not surprisingly, I found myself unable to overlook the fashion faux pas. Another fashion faux pas I found distracting this week – Jake’s turtleneck on The Bachelor. When did men start wearing turtlenecks again? And can they please stop? I find it difficult to take a man in a turtleneck seriously. (I find it difficult to take a man – or woman – on The Bachelor seriously anyway, but I digress.)

Actually, this feels like something I should address – yes, I’m watching The Bachelor this season. Now most people who know me are aware that I don’t watch much reality TV (I find it uncomfortable and embarrassing for me to watch), but this year…I got sucked in. I was babysitting my nephews a few weeks ago, and after I put them to bed I found myself flipping through like 700 TV channels and finding nothing on. Eventually I gave up and settled in to watch the first episode of The Bachelor: On the Wings of Love (no, I’m not joking – that’s the title of the show). It was horrifying – I kept covering my eyes it was so awkward at times – and yet ever since I’ve been tuning in to see what happens next. I don't know, I guess I care which woman with painfully low self-esteem the bachelor will end up with. Or I'm just really bored on Monday nights. Feel free to make fun of me, I won’t fight you.

Anyway yeah, popped collars and men in turtlenecks – deal breakers? Am I being too judgmental? Or am I actually not going far enough? Maybe I’m forgetting about some even more egregious offenses. Hit me up in the comments to let me know your thoughts.