Am I Too Judgmental?

So I’m on the subway this morning, and there’s this delicious guy standing near me – tall, blond, beautifully dressed, the works. And as we’re making eyes at each other, I realize something…he has popped the collar of his camel hair coat. I found myself distracted by this. Just how large of a douche does a guy have to be to try to pull this off? To me the popped collar, on a perfectly fitted camel hair coat no less, was like an 8 out of 10 on the douche scale. So when he caught my eye again and smiled, I looked away. Too harsh?

Let me say this about the popped collar – not only is it a throwback to the ‘80s, John Hughes, rich/bad-boy douchiness of yore, but it looks stupid! What? Are you protecting the back of your neck from the wind? (Note: Subway Guy was wearing a scarf, so that excuse doesn’t fly.)

Not surprisingly, I found myself unable to overlook the fashion faux pas. Another fashion faux pas I found distracting this week – Jake’s turtleneck on The Bachelor. When did men start wearing turtlenecks again? And can they please stop? I find it difficult to take a man in a turtleneck seriously. (I find it difficult to take a man – or woman – on The Bachelor seriously anyway, but I digress.)

Actually, this feels like something I should address – yes, I’m watching The Bachelor this season. Now most people who know me are aware that I don’t watch much reality TV (I find it uncomfortable and embarrassing for me to watch), but this year…I got sucked in. I was babysitting my nephews a few weeks ago, and after I put them to bed I found myself flipping through like 700 TV channels and finding nothing on. Eventually I gave up and settled in to watch the first episode of The Bachelor: On the Wings of Love (no, I’m not joking – that’s the title of the show). It was horrifying – I kept covering my eyes it was so awkward at times – and yet ever since I’ve been tuning in to see what happens next. I don't know, I guess I care which woman with painfully low self-esteem the bachelor will end up with. Or I'm just really bored on Monday nights. Feel free to make fun of me, I won’t fight you.

Anyway yeah, popped collars and men in turtlenecks – deal breakers? Am I being too judgmental? Or am I actually not going far enough? Maybe I’m forgetting about some even more egregious offenses. Hit me up in the comments to let me know your thoughts.

I'm Inappropriate

So I’m sitting in my office this morning, checking emails, when the following exchange took place. This actually happened:

(Note: My assistant and I generally communicate by yelling to one another; this is because we’re both entirely too lazy to get up and walk 6 feet to the others desk every time we need to speak.)

Assistant: Hey, did you see the dik dik!
Redhead: Oh, you mean Greg Oden? Totally! I mean, I know he’s like 7 feet tall, but still – congratulations to him!
Assistant: Wait, what?!
Redhead: Hmmm?
Assistant: What did you say?
Redhead: I said congratulations to Greg Oden and his little man.
Assistant: (finally standing up and coming to my door) Are you insane?
Redhead: Probably.
Assistant: Where did that come from?
Redhead: We were talking about Greg Oden.
Assistant: I was talking about a dik dik.
Redhead: Right.
Assistant: Do you know what a dik dik is?
Redhead: Yes, I am over the age of 12.
Assistant: I’m not sure you are. I was talking about a small animal that looks kind of like a deer.
Redhead: (head tilt – look of confusion)
Assistant: Didn’t you check Cute Overload today?
Redhead: Not yet. (turning bright red) So…um…there’s an animal on there called a dik dik?
Assistant: (nods head)
Redhead: So that's a real thing?
Assistant: (nods again)
Redhead: How many people heard our earlier conversation?
Assistant: Well, considering how loud you are…
Redhead: That’s awkward.

Seriously though - did any of you people know there was such a thing as a dik dik (and that it was an animal) before reading this?

It's Only Tuesday

Shockingly, painfully hungover. Had a business dinner last night – we started with drinks at 6:30, had a couple of cocktails before sitting down to dinner, drank several bottles of wine with dinner, scotches with dessert, and finally, blessedly, we finished up around midnight.

I grabbed a cab home, and at some point realized that my motor skills were not what they should be (barely had the capability to make it up the stairs to my apartment, and it took me a few minutes to figure out how to unlock my door). Thought I would die when my alarm went off at 6:15 this morning, but like a champ I got up. My boss looked like hell when she arrived in the office, my assistant only just got here (almost an hour late), apparently I sent out a couple of emails that weren’t exactly coherent (since I was the first one at my desk and felt I should do something – I'm so stupid), and we’re all hurting. A lot. Life sucks all around, and we have another business dinner tonight. Also, company Christmas party tomorrow night, a date on Thursday night, and another date on Friday night – help. Just want to curl up and die.

Note: It seems our waiter last night was given my phone number – I was not the one who gave it to him. How does this kind of shit happen at a business dinner, you ask? I don’t know. I just do not know.

Any and all hangover cures are welcome in the comments section. Fuck, I’m not going to make it.

Cheating = Bad

Okay you asked for it (actually, Cobra asked for it) – what are my real feelings on Tiger and the whole cheating scandal? Well, not to completely pile on to a story that has already been beaten to death, but…

(Disclaimer: Please keep in mind that I’m an extremely opinionated person, and that I have an edge to my personality that can seem a little harsh to people who don’t know me well. Because of this I’ve moved away from doing too many opinion pieces around here – mainly because people freak the fuck out and don’t seem to get that I have humor and sanity hidden behind what I say. But I do, so calm down. Okay?)

Alright, my thoughts on cheating in general (I believe I’ve said this here before): If you want to be with someone other than your partner, and you’re not married, feel free – but end your current relationship first you spineless dipshit! You’re not legally bound to the person, but still show some fucking respect and end things properly before moving on; you don’t want to be that guy/girl. However, I will concede that if you aren’t married and you do cheat, it is not the end of the world and no physical harm should come to you. Dickhead.

Now, if you are married…sucks to be you! I’m imagining you willingly entered into the institution of marriage, where you swore to remain faithful, so..there you go. It’s not complicated – you’re married, you want to fuck someone else, but you DON’T. Because you made the choice to spend the rest of your life with that one person, and you gave your word to not fuck with their trust (maybe not with exactly that verbiage, but you get my point), so man up. It’s called willpower. Cheating is a practice of the mentally and emotionally weak. I have no respect for the weak.

And as for Cobra’s little clarification, “My post request is for professional athletes and marriage, not normal people. Huge difference.” Well my friend, I beg to differ. I don’t think there is a difference. Does money and opportunity really make a difference? Look, I can see that some couples enter into marriage with different ground rules than others, and I can’t speak to that. I will say that I have gotten the impression Tiger’s wife wasn’t cool with the idea of her man fucking anyone other than her. Should she have expected it? No, not if he told her he wouldn’t.

I tend to view things in a realistic (if somewhat black and white) way. If Elin was at all aware of reality and how professional athletes conduct their personal lives (and she should have been), then it was her responsibility to make her views on the topic clear before they got married (ie. don’t do it or I’ll come after you with a golf club). And she should have made sure Tiger was on the same page.

But after that I think she had every right to trust him and believe he would remain faithful, because fuck everyone else and what they do; it’s not her job to worry about the egos and character issues of the other 99% of professional athletes. If her man was strong enough to keep his word – as he should have been – then that’s all that matters. I don’t care that he has hot young things throwing themselves at him 24 hours a day. How hard is it to not do something? It’s harder to sneak someone into your room, lie to your wife, lie to your fans, and pay people off than to just GO TO YOUR ROOM ALONE.

Hell, as an attractive woman living in NYC it’s not exactly hard for me to get male attention. But I manage to remain faithful when I’m in a relationship (and I’m not even married)! It’s called not doing shit when the opportunity presents itself. And trust me, even when there's serious temptation there (and sometimes it is serious) it’s still not difficult to do nothing – inactivity is surprisingly easy.

So to sum up – 1) People who cheat are fucking worthless, weak, and undeserving of even the most superficial respect. 2) Athletes are people – read the previous sentence again if you’re still confused. 3) I liked Elin’s fire when I heard she’d lost her shit on Tiger. Now everything’s quiet, and it looks like he’s paying her off. While I’m not a fan of sticking around for any reason after cheating goes down (I say get a really good lawyer and walk away with his money AND your dignity), if you are going to stay then I am a firm believer in torturing the other person along the way. In other words, I hope Elin keeps Tiger on a VERY short leash, treats him terribly in private, and gets a sick amount of money – that she couldn’t get in a divorce – for her troubles.

Oh, and on a completely unrelated (but unbelievably awesome) note, I’ve attached a link to a story about the Bad Sex Fiction Award. I didn’t even know such an award existed, but I am seriously thrilled to hear that it does! I will admit to almost losing my shit while reading this (at work – of course). Click the link and enjoy the awfulness. Happy Friday everyone!

Fa La La La La

The holidays are tiring. I am going out EVERY NIGHT next week (and the week after that is looking a little crazy too). Is it too early to already want to spend a night in my pajamas doing nothing? Yup, I’m lazy.

Quick comment about the Tiger Woods thing (because of course I’m finding this fascinating): If Tiger’s wife did actually beat him up and take a golf club to his car for cheating…well that’s just fucking AWESOME! Way to not take it lying down, Elin! I’ve gone from indifference to legitimately liking her, purely on the basis of rumors. Nice work.

‘Tis the season. I’ve got three dates lined up in the next two weeks (nicely fit in around all the holiday parties). All with different guys, and all of the guys are suitably adorable. And every single one of them asked ME out. ‘Thank God,’ says my ego. (Yes, my ego talks now.)

How many pumpkin muffins is too many to eat in one day? 4? Not…um…not that I ate 4 pumpkin muffins on Sunday while I was hung over. Obviously. That would be a terrible idea; practically the same as just sitting there eating a stick of butter. It’s just that, you know, they come in 4-packs so I couldn’t just buy one. And they were going out of season so I wasn’t going to see new ones until next fall. It… Yeah, okay, I have no excuse.

Seriously, I think they’re trying to freeze us out of my office. I am sitting at my desk wearing my scarf and jacket. My assistant is wearing a scarf and like 3 sweaters. WTF? They haven’t gotten the temperature right in this place in like 2 months!

Something to think on (I’ll tell you why later): What is one thing that you think a person should do before ‘growing up’? There are no rules on this, but I want serious answers (assuming anyone reads this site anymore). OK, go.

Stop the Morons

Not to make this blog all about my dog, but I really feel like this next story sums me up very, very well.

So my mother was at the dog park the other day with The Dog, and a woman came up to them as they were entering. Now my mother and The Dog are regulars at the park - this is mainly because The Dog has ants in her pants, and she needs at least 2 hours a day of running to keep her from destroying the house - so chances are good this woman had seen them there before. So this woman comes up to my mother and asks – I shit you not – “Do you think The Dog is embarrassed about the way she looks?”

Some background info: The Dog is a rescue. She was born with a fused vertebrae in her spine and couldn’t walk for the first few months of her life. After many surgeries and physical therapy (with horses…in a pool!), she now moves around like a champ – she hops her back legs rather than walking ‘normally,’ she has no tail, and yeah, her hips look a little different. But she’s fucking fine people! She’s happy, we love her to death, and she was absolutely our first choice when we were looking for a dog. She is hands down the most good-natured dog you’ll ever meet.

Oh, and the quickest way to piss me off is to look at her with pity in your eyes. What the fuck are you looking at ASSHOLE?!

Back to the story. So Stupid Woman has gone up to my mother and asked her if The Dog – a fucking DOG – is embarrassed by the way she looks. What kind of stupidity is that? My comment, when my mother told me the story, was, “I hope you responded by saying, ‘No, are you embarrassed by the way you look, Fatty?’”

Sadly, my mother did not say that. And when I retold the story (complete with my suggested response) to my boss – my BOSS – yesterday, she just looked at me, shook her head, and said, “You really shouldn’t be allowed out in public sometimes. You know that, right?”

In all fairness, my boss had to drag me away from a cop that I was yelling at last week (long story). Still, is it my fault I can’t stand stupid, ignorant jackasses? My motto in life: Stop the morons.

Dogs and Stuff

-So I went to visit my parents last Sunday and was chilling out on the couch – look who joined me! Best. Dewlaps. Ever.

Speaking of the awesome dog, she did something 2 weeks ago that still kills me. Where to begin… OK, so my father is a bit of a workaholic. He’s also a very successful lawyer and a great dad, but he is known for being a bit of a scary dude in his office. I don’t know, maybe it was time he was brought down a peg – let’s call it karma.

Anyway it was a Saturday (again, 2 weeks ago), and my father went to the office to pick up some files – he was having a client over to our house for a meeting and needed them. Since he normally runs errands on Saturday mornings with the dog (both are creatures of habit), he decided to bring her with him. Sounds fine, right?

Yeah, it seemed fine. My father worked for a bit in his office, gathered the files he needed, and went to find the dog. She had been wandering, and had somehow found her way to the reception area – there was a motion sensor that kept beeping every time she passed the door; she found this fascinating. Grabbing a hold of her leash, they left.

Fast forward to Monday morning. My father was in court when he got an email from his office manager. Rather, the entire office got an email which simply said: Was anyone in the office over the weekend? Tentatively, my father replied that he had. (I say this is where he went wrong – always know the whole story before confessing to anything.)

Turns out I was right. Long story short, our dog has found the other large corner office, and decided that was a great place to take a massive dump. And my father had already admitted he was there! What was he thinking?! Rule #1: Never admit to being responsible for the pile of shit in someone's office! I mean, I've never been responsible for anything like that before (thank God), but even I know that!

I feel like this is a good time to point out that we’ve had this dog for over 6 months, and she’s never had an accident in the house. Yet for some reason A’s office (A is the other senior partner in the firm by the way) just brought out the animal in her. And wow…it had been sitting there all weekend.

Awesome, right? My father was understandably embarrassed. My mother and I were (and are) so amused by this that we still can’t talk about it without losing our shit. And the dog – well, does she look remorseful?

On the plus side, my parents took A and his wife out to dinner as an apology, and A finally got to meet our new puppy (which he’s been meaning to do anyway). So all's well that ends well. (Oh, and he admits that she’s very, very cute…and very, very big.)

God I love dogs.

-Man vs. Food is on tonight – I am shockingly obsessed with this show. Oh, and I think I’ve figured out why America has an obesity problem. It was a toughie, but I’m really, really smart.

-We’re celebrating Christine’s birthday this weekend – if I survive this it will be a miracle.

-There’s a creepy guy who lives in an apartment across the way from mine. At night he stands at his window and watches me. When I look across at him (glare actually – dude, you’re freaking me out!), he waves. I really, really want this to stop. How do I do that without pissing him off too much? After all, he does know where I live. (I realize new curtains would be a good option, but my cat…she destroys them like it’s her job.) Can I somehow suggest to this guy that he needs to get a fucking TV and stop making me his evening entertainment? Nicely, of course - the last thing I need is another psycho in my life.

Alright, back to work – I’m in meeting hell this week.