Ah Sh*t

I blame my sister’s boyfriend. Call it a copout on my part if you want, but I’m still blaming him. Why? Well, the Dickhead came and spent Christmas with us (my mom didn’t tell me until I got off the train in Jersey – I think she knew I wouldn’t have come home if I’d been told earlier). Anyway I was stuck in my parents’ house with this dude for the holidays. And apparently I needed to be polite or something (you know, because I love my sister). Which I was (I can pretend if I have to – shut up, I can), because I’m awesome. Anyway, this ended up being very trying for me (as you can imagine), and as it turns out (apparently) stress makes me stupid.

Oh, and drunk. Stress prompts me to get drunk. (Who am I to argue with nature?)

Uh, just so you know that’s my story and I’m sticking to it. Because…well…ah shit. There’s just no good way to say this. Um…fuck it. Here goes:

John and I didn’t end up going to see Juno (as previously mentioned, I was in need of alcohol after dealing with the Dickhead); we went to a bar instead. Where I drank. And drank. And drank. (And of course – this should come as no surprise to those of you who know me around here – I complained.)

Quick sidenote: Yet another reason why New York is the best city anywhere – practically no one drives. And there are a ton of bars here. See how that works out well? Because you know what doesn’t go together? Yeah, drinking and driving. And you know what you have to do in most other places when you want to go out to a bar and drink? Exactly, you need to drive there (and, coincidentally, home). This is both a rant (where’s the logic there?) and an explanation of the situation – ie. I wasn’t driving so I got drunk, John was driving so he didn’t. He was sober. Is everyone following me so far?

Yeah, who wants to guess what happened?

Yup. Just…yup.

We ended up making out OUTSIDE up against his car. (Yes, that would be PDA people – I claim the drunk excuse and DON’T want to discuss it.)

Now that I’m sober and FAR away from Dickhead, I’m feeling more than a little freaked out by the whole John thing. I have no idea how to deal with it (besides avoidance, I’m awesome at avoidance). Thoughts? Suggestions?

You know, I think I already know what my New Year’s wish next week is going to be: In 2008, I’d love to end the year with the same number of friends as I started it with (this whittling down I’ve been doing isn’t a positive thing).

Anyway, how was everyone else’s holiday? Good? Any stories you want to share (that don’t include groping your best friend in a parking lot)?

Happy Holidays!

Hmmm, so it’s occurred to me that I should write a little something today before we all drop off the face of the earth for the next week or so (am I the ONLY person who’s planning on working next week?). Anyway, ummm, let’s try to keep this post controversy free okay (something I apparently suck at)? Good intentions everyone!

On my wish list for the holiday season:

Some sleeping late;
Some heavy drinking;
Copious eating of food made primarily of butter;
Relaxing cuddle time with my parents’ dog;
Relaxing cuddle time with my cat (not in the same room as the dog because…well, my cat has the disposition of her mother. In other words: She can get ornery – in her case this translates into tormenting the dog…to be clear, I don’t torment the dog; even I’m not that horrible);
Some bonding time with my sister (who, sadly, is back together with her boyfriend)…yeah;
Some bonding time with my parents;
Getting a handle on the No Presents for Anyone Yet thing BEFORE Christmas day and WITHOUT too much stress (ed. note: This is a pipe dream);
Catching up with some friends back home in the 2 days I’m going to be there (ed. note: This probably won’t happen either, but I can hope);
Going to see the movie Juno with John – we hadn’t spoken in a while and just caught up on the phone like a week ago – I’m excited to see both him and the film;
More heavy drinking;
Having a few days in the office without meetings next week – score!;
Baking – I’ve been jonesing to get my Martha Stewart on, and the huge kitchen at my parents’ house is the perfect place to do it. (Vote: Are we thinking the classic sugar cookie or something else?);
Receiving my annual present of a Yankee Ticket Plan from my siblings (since I don’t get the actual tickets for another couple of months, I always get a really poorly written poem from my sister on Christmas morning – so I have something to open. I can’t wait, it’s always a REALLY bad poem!);
Receiving my annual Starbucks gift card in my stocking – coffee is NEVER a bad present;
Seeing the looks on my family members’ faces when they open the gifts I gave them…assuming I ever get off my lazy ass and actually get them something. Fuck!;
Trying on my skinny jeans next weekend and realizing they’re REALLY fucking tight and that I need to cut back on the eating of pure crap…wait, this a wish list, so…um…NOT trying on my skinny jeans next weekend and realizing…;
Yet more heavy drinking;
Just seeing everyone that I love and assuring myself that they’re healthy and happy.

What is everyone else looking forward to/wishing for? No really, I want to hear. I care. I do. Ummm…promise.

Happy holidays everyone!

A Little of This, A Little of That

I kind of want to start out by saying that I am not nearly as cranky/angry as I’ve been sounding lately. Honestly.

Good, now that that's out of the way...

-Hmmm, Britney Spears’ 16-year-old sister is pregnant. Everyone is SHOCKED! Shocked I tell you! I mean sure, this kid grew up in the Spears family (great parenting at work there), and, according to Perez Hilton, was living with her boyfriend at the tender age of 16, but still, how could ANYONE see this coming?! I just don’t understand HOW this could have happened!

-File this one under too much information: Have you ever thought your period was over – you know, because you stopped bleeding for over a 24 hour period of time – and then…surprise! It’s not. And you’ve ruined a perfectly good pair of panties AND jeans. Hmmm? Oh…right, most of my readers are male. Ummm…sorry about that.

-So I’m going brunette – yes, I know I’ve said this kind of shit before, but this time I mean it. I spoke to a colorist at my salon yesterday and have an appointment for Saturday. I’m thinking a nice, chocolate brown color; kind of wintry, should set off my pale skin well, and best of all it will be DIFFERENT. I need a change. Don’t worry though – you can still call me Redhead.

-A minor ripping on a blogger that I will not name (I’m going to try to avoid upsetting anyone in particular today – I’m finding some people are REALLY sensitive when I openly disagree with them…it might have something to do with my charming personality): So there’s this blog I used to read (off and on) until recently. Why did I stop reading you ask? Well, that one’s pretty easy to answer – it’s because of the writer. He’s…well, he’s pretty much a pussy. And it was pissing me off. A lot.

Let me explain… So about a week ago I’m reading this dude’s latest post – which was almost exactly like ALL of his posts – when it hit me. I can’t stand this guy! All he writes about is his ex-girlfriend. Someone he broke up with like a year ago! Dude, get over it. I understand that she was the love of your life. I understand that you two dated for a really long time. I understand that you’re a sensitive guy. But still…SHUT UP!

There has to be a cut-off point where you’re simply not allowed to talk about your ex anymore. Sure, if they come up in conversation or you have a pertinent story about them (like with anyone else) go ahead, I’m not going to begrudge you that. But otherwise…STOP IT! No one else cares, it makes you look pathetic, and it’s annoying as all hell! Let it go. I dated a guy for 4 years, we broke up, I talked about him afterwards (he was a large part of my life for a long time), but then I stopped. Because I saw the looks on other people’s faces when I mentioned him. And I felt like an asshole for bringing him up so much.

That was roughly 4 months after the breakup.

So, Random Blogger that I Will Not Name, give it up. Complete strangers on the Internet think you’re sad, I can’t imagine what your friends are going through (and no matter what they’re telling you, they want/need you to let it go). Thanks (and yes, I know I’m a bitch).

-The only people that I have Christmas gifts for are my nephews – I’m so fucked. Does anyone have any ideas? I can probably handle my mom and sister, but my dad and brother/sister-in-law (those two get a joint gift) are killing me. Please help.

-I’ve had a runny nose for like 5 days now, and when I cough little globs of phlegm come up. Should I be concerned?

-So what do you guys think of Tony Parker and Eva Longoria? I say he cheated. You?

-If you were going to name your pet after a Greek God, which one would it be and why?

Yup, I think that’s enough – the cold seems to have mellowed out a bit in NY today, so I’m running out for some soup and a hot chocolate. Happy Wednesday everyone!

Thoughts on Theater and…Stuff

So my weekend didn’t get off to the most auspicious start – “Hi Redhead, I just wanted to call and tell you that your mother’s in the hospital…no, no, everything’s fine…no, no, don’t come home.” Yeah, I don’t actually want to get too into it, but let me just say that is not how I EVER want to begin a conversation.

Anyway, after that the rest of the weekend was a blur – thanks to the cold from hell and some fairly interesting over the counter drugs – but I will say that spending three days with a low-grade headache totally SUCKS. Hmmm, what else?

Oh yeah, so I went to the theater yesterday – saw Spring Awakening. Some thoughts: The music was pretty good, the acting was pretty bad, the script was terrible (it was like one long conversation where all you could think was ‘Too Much Information! Too Much Information!’) and…holy shit! This show won the Tony? Seriously? But…how? Why?

I seriously turned to my friend during intermission and said, ‘So, are there any issues that they HAVEN’T touched on yet?’ (I’m not kidding, this show was like a Lifetime movie…on crack.) My friend’s response, ‘I don’t think so…ooh, wait – they haven’t dealt with homosexuality!’

Then the second act started. Homosexuality – check.

(I would actually like to take this opportunity to thank the bar that my friend and I stopped at before the show – those two bloody mary’s totally made that whiny mess of a play marginally bearable.)

As for the graphic nature of the show…eh. The masturbation song was kind of funny, the guy/girl sex wasn’t as hot as I had hoped (although the guy had a pretty nice ass), and the guy-on-guy action…well, that was probably the highlight of the show, but man…those characters would NOT shut UP.

Alright, back to my Zicam, Cold-Eeze, and DayQuil – I’m assuming everyone else’s weekend was cool. No, no, seriously – don’t tell me if it wasn’t; I’m done listening to other people’s problems (that play filled my quota for the week). Thanks though.

Ughhhhh

Well…I just don’t have it in me today guys. Sorry. I know you all deserve a mildly offensive post from me (that some of you will blow WAY out of proportion – just teasing guys…love you…put down the pitchforks!) to end the week, but I just can’t do it today. I’m sick (my head feels like it weighs about 300 pounds, my nose is leaking, my eyes are watering, and I look…hideous), I’m tired (I barely made it to my 2nd office party of the week last night – seriously, I didn’t get there until 8 and NO ONE noticed or cared; damn I’m popular), my coffee leaked ALL OVER ME this morning (damn Starbucks lids), and I have a meeting in about 5 minutes with someone who always sends me really effusive emails…I don’t know what that signifies, but I’m pretty sure I don’t have the energy for it right now.

So…unless someone comes up with an idea for a post that I can write in between meetings today, have a good weekend – I’m going to see a play on Sunday where apparently people have sex and masturbate onstage. Woo hoo!

A Quick Comment

A thought on the Mitchell report: My main observation after a quick scan of the Mitchell report – besides a sort of overwhelming feeling of disappointment (but not surprise) concerning some Yankees players – was that there really isn’t one current Red Sox player in there.

Mitchell was (and will be again) director of the front office for the Boston Red Sox. As The Big Lead said, ‘that’s not really a question, more of a statement.’

I Must NOT Get Drunk

Hey, so it’s my company Holiday Party tonight – actually tonight’s party is just for executives, tomorrow there’s another party for everyone (agh, so much alcohol, so little time!) – anyway, tomorrow’s party is neither here nor there, my point is tonight’s party is making me a little worried. Because people have been telling me stories, of past parties, and the behavior that has come out of them, and the alcohol that flows, and…I think I may be in trouble. Let’s dissect this, shall we?

My last company’s Holiday Party – held AT THE OFFICE, shitty open bar, hors d'oeuvres set up on a few tables, started around 5 (in other words, everyone just wore work clothes), went on for a couple hours, home by 8:30.

My new company’s Holiday Party – held at a hotel uptown (in the Penthouse), apparently first rate bar, this one starts around 7 (everyone who goes changes into cocktail dresses/nice suits – I have my Audrey Hepburn style little black dress ready to go), has a cocktail hour until 8, speeches until 9, and dinner and ‘celebration’ until midnight.

According to my coworkers, things get a little wild at this shindig. I am to expect 1) not to get home until around 2 or 3 in the morning (apparently), 2) to get VERY drunk, 3) to be much amused by whatever theme the party planners have chosen this year, and 4) to see and/or hear many things that will ultimately end up in the pantheon of great/embarrassing company Holiday Party stories (stories that will promptly be relayed to EVERYONE at TOMORROW’S party).

I cannot end up being one of those stories.

So, my game plan is…shit, I have no game plan. Obviously I will try not to overindulge, but it will be hard since everyone else apparently will be (much like at the holiday lunch last week, where I got…well, kind of drunk; but not embarrassingly so).

Do you guys realize that I’m going to be all dressed up, at an open bar, surrounded by my coworkers (all of whom are talking about how drunk they’re planning to get), with the owners of my company nearby (pretty conservative guys), and…

No biggie. I can avoid embarrassment. I know I can. It’s not hard – people do it every day. I just need to pace myself. And eat something first. And not see any men who look good to me. And relax and be charming. And professional. But still fun. And well-spoken. So no slurred speech.

Fuck, I’m so screwed guys.