Some shit that happened this weekend:
-I got another short email from Fantasy Guy – basically putting the ball back in my court – and thought to myself, ‘This guy is a pussy.’ Needless to say, I’m not responding again.
-I’ve stopped returning Tattoo Guy’s calls – his three dates are up. He doesn’t seem to know what happened to cause me to stop talking to him. This, of course, makes sense since he never did anything wrong. A true case of ‘it’s not you, it’s me’ if you will. The lesson here: You never know what’s going on in the mind of another person – and honestly most of the time you don’t want to know – so stop stressing. It’s not even personal half the time. Grow up people.
-Christine sent me an email yesterday asking how my weekend was (more on that in a bit). I said fine and asked her about hers (the polite response), and she simply replied, “Interesting.” OK, there’s a story there, I thought. “What happened?” Short version: It turns out one of Christine’s friends (a guy) has been sending her “signals” for some time now. She missed all of them (surprise, surprise). On Saturday he made a move. She was so shocked she didn’t stop him. Now not only has she made out with him, she went out with him last night. (“How could I say no when I had my tongue down his throat?” she asked.) Also, they have spoken on the phone no less than 5 times in the last two days. Yet Christine still doesn’t know whether she likes him or not. I told her this would make a great story on their wedding day. She didn’t think that was funny at all. The lesson here: Women are idiots.
-Here’s an email I got yesterday titled 9 Words Women Use – I hate to say it guys, but it’s pretty accurate:
1. Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
2. Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a ½ hour. [Ed note: Not true for me – if I say five minutes it will be five minutes, if I say a ½ hour, it will be a ½ hour.] Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
3. Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
4. Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
5. Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)
6. That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
7. Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome.
8. Whatever: Is a women's way of saying F@!K YOU!
9. Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking "What's wrong?" For the woman's response refer to #3.
-Redhead Public Service Announcement: When eating, could everyone please SHUT THEIR FUCKING MOUTHS!?! I mean, I don’t want to be a bitch here (total lie), but no one wants to see what the fuck you’re eating. And NO ONE wants to hear you fucking chewing and slurping and snarfling (or whatever the fuck you’re doing). What is fucking WRONG with you people? You’re annoying the shit out of me, it’s fucking rude, and it’s gross. So stop it! Close your goddamn mouths.
-I hate EVERYONE today. Consider this your warning; I’m in a REALLY bad mood.
-My sister came up last weekend from D.C. Now I don’t talk about her a lot here, but I fucking love her to death. She is the exact opposite of me in every way – I’m serious, most people can’t believe we’re related. Some bullet point differences:
Physically – 5’4, straight blonde hair, blue eyes, skinny, runs marathons for FUN (?!?!), pretty conservative dresser
Personality – quiet, shy, nice to everyone, will give a stranger the shirt off her back, doesn’t curse, and has been known to let people walk all over her
Physically – 5’8, wavy red hair, green eyes, thin (not skinny), doesn’t run marathons for any reason (and hates every minute of exercising), I pay more attention to trends when I'm dressing (but I don’t dress like a spaz thank you very much)
Personality – loud, mean, I hate most people, I couldn’t care less about strangers, I curse like a truck driver, and I pity anyone who ever tries to take advantage of me (or those I care about)
Anyway, my sister came up from D.C. this past weekend, and we went to the Yanks game on Thursday night. Since my sister (along with my brother and his wife) pays for my seats, it was nice to finally show her (after years of having these tickets) what she’s been shelling out all that cash for. (She was impressed.)
So we got to the game, and after the Tigers hit a grand slam in the first inning we decided we could do a little talking and catching up (God knows we didn’t want to watch the horror that was taking place on the field too closely). The topic quickly turned to my sister’s boyfriend/ex-boyfriend/dickhead. Now, I knew Sister and Dickhead had broken up a couple weeks ago. (Note: This…um…the breaking up thing happens a lot with them.) I had called shortly after I got the news, but she hadn’t been very talkative then. She was talkative on Thursday night, so I was finally able to get the story. And boy did I get it.
Now, my sister’s boyfriend is a dickhead of the first degree – that’s why I call him Dickhead behind his back. My brother calls him Tool. But around my sister, we both keep our mouth’s shut. That’s why when she started the conversation with “I hesitate to tell you this because I don’t want you to say or do anything to [name redacted] if I end up getting back together with him,” I knew it was going to be bad – and I was going to have trouble keeping my mouth shut.
I was right.
The gist of the latest Sister/Dickhead story: Dickhead cheated, he got caught, he blamed her (surprise, surprise), and now he’s trying to worm his slimy ass back into Sister’s life. Oh, and she might let him.
Pause. Deep breath. Trying not to break something (like his dick – off).
Now I love my sister. She is all that’s good in the world, she is sweet and vulnerable, and she FUCKING DESERVES BETTER. But she JUST DOESN’T GET IT. She is settling without even realizing she’s doing it, and I don’t know how to fix her. Yes, dating is exhausting. Yes, I understand why she doesn’t want to be single again. Yes, I’m sure Dickhead has been nice once or twice in the two years they’ve been together. But seriously – WHAT THE FUCK? Overall, he treats her like shit. And she lets him. AND I CAN’T SAY ANYTHING AND IT’S DRIVING ME NUTS.
Because I know that besides giving her advice (both at the game and then AGAIN on Saturday night at dinner), there’s nothing I can do. And I HATE that. I hate that I can’t make other people do what I want them to do – even when I know I’m right. And the lack of control pisses me off. All I’d need is two weeks and I could fix most people, I swear to God. But noooooo. Fuck!
These realizations have made me cranky. And the effort it’s taking to not go down to D.C. and commit a felony on Dickhead is also making me cranky. So besides venting to you people, I need a pick me up. So pick me up dear readers. Tell me funny stories. Kiss my ass. Entertain ME dammit!