Some shit that happened this weekend:
-I got another short email from Fantasy Guy – basically putting the ball back in my court – and thought to myself, ‘This guy is a pussy.’ Needless to say, I’m not responding again.
-I’ve stopped returning Tattoo Guy’s calls – his three dates are up. He doesn’t seem to know what happened to cause me to stop talking to him. This, of course, makes sense since he never did anything wrong. A true case of ‘it’s not you, it’s me’ if you will. The lesson here: You never know what’s going on in the mind of another person – and honestly most of the time you don’t want to know – so stop stressing. It’s not even personal half the time. Grow up people.
-Christine sent me an email yesterday asking how my weekend was (more on that in a bit). I said fine and asked her about hers (the polite response), and she simply replied, “Interesting.” OK, there’s a story there, I thought. “What happened?” Short version: It turns out one of Christine’s friends (a guy) has been sending her “signals” for some time now. She missed all of them (surprise, surprise). On Saturday he made a move. She was so shocked she didn’t stop him. Now not only has she made out with him, she went out with him last night. (“How could I say no when I had my tongue down his throat?” she asked.) Also, they have spoken on the phone no less than 5 times in the last two days. Yet Christine still doesn’t know whether she likes him or not. I told her this would make a great story on their wedding day. She didn’t think that was funny at all. The lesson here: Women are idiots.
-Here’s an email I got yesterday titled 9 Words Women Use – I hate to say it guys, but it’s pretty accurate:
1. Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
2. Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a ½ hour. [Ed note: Not true for me – if I say five minutes it will be five minutes, if I say a ½ hour, it will be a ½ hour.] Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
3. Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
4. Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
5. Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)
6. That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
7. Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome.
8. Whatever: Is a women's way of saying F@!K YOU!
9. Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking "What's wrong?" For the woman's response refer to #3.
-Redhead Public Service Announcement: When eating, could everyone please SHUT THEIR FUCKING MOUTHS!?! I mean, I don’t want to be a bitch here (total lie), but no one wants to see what the fuck you’re eating. And NO ONE wants to hear you fucking chewing and slurping and snarfling (or whatever the fuck you’re doing). What is fucking WRONG with you people? You’re annoying the shit out of me, it’s fucking rude, and it’s gross. So stop it! Close your goddamn mouths.
-I hate EVERYONE today. Consider this your warning; I’m in a REALLY bad mood.
-My sister came up last weekend from D.C. Now I don’t talk about her a lot here, but I fucking love her to death. She is the exact opposite of me in every way – I’m serious, most people can’t believe we’re related. Some bullet point differences:
Redhead’s Sister:
Physically – 5’4, straight blonde hair, blue eyes, skinny, runs marathons for FUN (?!?!), pretty conservative dresser
Personality – quiet, shy, nice to everyone, will give a stranger the shirt off her back, doesn’t curse, and has been known to let people walk all over her
Redhead:
Physically – 5’8, wavy red hair, green eyes, thin (not skinny), doesn’t run marathons for any reason (and hates every minute of exercising), I pay more attention to trends when I'm dressing (but I don’t dress like a spaz thank you very much)
Personality – loud, mean, I hate most people, I couldn’t care less about strangers, I curse like a truck driver, and I pity anyone who ever tries to take advantage of me (or those I care about)
Anyway, my sister came up from D.C. this past weekend, and we went to the Yanks game on Thursday night. Since my sister (along with my brother and his wife) pays for my seats, it was nice to finally show her (after years of having these tickets) what she’s been shelling out all that cash for. (She was impressed.)
So we got to the game, and after the Tigers hit a grand slam in the first inning we decided we could do a little talking and catching up (God knows we didn’t want to watch the horror that was taking place on the field too closely). The topic quickly turned to my sister’s boyfriend/ex-boyfriend/dickhead. Now, I knew Sister and Dickhead had broken up a couple weeks ago. (Note: This…um…the breaking up thing happens a lot with them.) I had called shortly after I got the news, but she hadn’t been very talkative then. She was talkative on Thursday night, so I was finally able to get the story. And boy did I get it.
Now, my sister’s boyfriend is a dickhead of the first degree – that’s why I call him Dickhead behind his back. My brother calls him Tool. But around my sister, we both keep our mouth’s shut. That’s why when she started the conversation with “I hesitate to tell you this because I don’t want you to say or do anything to [name redacted] if I end up getting back together with him,” I knew it was going to be bad – and I was going to have trouble keeping my mouth shut.
I was right.
The gist of the latest Sister/Dickhead story: Dickhead cheated, he got caught, he blamed her (surprise, surprise), and now he’s trying to worm his slimy ass back into Sister’s life. Oh, and she might let him.
Pause. Deep breath. Trying not to break something (like his dick – off).
Now I love my sister. She is all that’s good in the world, she is sweet and vulnerable, and she FUCKING DESERVES BETTER. But she JUST DOESN’T GET IT. She is settling without even realizing she’s doing it, and I don’t know how to fix her. Yes, dating is exhausting. Yes, I understand why she doesn’t want to be single again. Yes, I’m sure Dickhead has been nice once or twice in the two years they’ve been together. But seriously – WHAT THE FUCK? Overall, he treats her like shit. And she lets him. AND I CAN’T SAY ANYTHING AND IT’S DRIVING ME NUTS.
Because I know that besides giving her advice (both at the game and then AGAIN on Saturday night at dinner), there’s nothing I can do. And I HATE that. I hate that I can’t make other people do what I want them to do – even when I know I’m right. And the lack of control pisses me off. All I’d need is two weeks and I could fix most people, I swear to God. But noooooo. Fuck!
These realizations have made me cranky. And the effort it’s taking to not go down to D.C. and commit a felony on Dickhead is also making me cranky. So besides venting to you people, I need a pick me up. So pick me up dear readers. Tell me funny stories. Kiss my ass. Entertain ME dammit!
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14 comments:
Red,
I've got to hit the road visiting clients the rest of the day but wanted to pass along something that I received this morning. I understand the frustration. Is a whooping on Dickhead a misdemeanor or a felony?
Dave
*****************
A husband died, leaving a will that provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral. As the last of the visitors departed the affair, his wife, Dawn, turned to her oldest friend Karen and said, "Well, I'm sure he would be pleased."
"I'm sure you're right," replied Karen, who then lowered her voice and leaned in close, "How much did this really cost?"
"All of it," said Dawn. "Thirty thousand."
"No!" Karen exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?"
Dawn replied, "The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the church. The wake, food and drinks were another $500. The rest went for the Memorial Stone."
Karen computed quickly. "$22,500 for a Memorial Stone? My God, how big is it?"
"Two and a half carats."
Hold the phone...you call Fantasy Guy a pussy for not 'laying it out there', but you do the same thing to Tattoo Guy and it's ok? How does that work? Just man up and tell him....
The word 'fine' drives me crazy. My gf uses it all the time. Then again, that may not surprise you.
Sorry to hear about your sis, that situation blows. You should tell one of your friends talk to her and have them say whatever you would say to her. It would be coming from you but...it wouldn't. Jedi Mind trick there.
Dave: Awesome.
Jack: First of all, I have a pussy - so calling me one doesn't REALLY hold the same power, now does it? Having said that, I never expected Tattoo Guy to do everything. I was an equal partner in things until I stopped caring, and therefore stopped calling. I don't expect ANYTHING from him now. Fantasy Guy is just being a limp dick and is trying to prod me into pursuing him. I just remembered that I don't pursue guys, their job is to pursue me. So I'm done.
Yeah, women do fuck with guys' heads. Ah well.
Her friends, my friends, EVERYONE hates dickhead, and she knows it. But since we all care too much about her to ever turn our backs on her, we don't have a lot of leverage when it comes to stopping the situation. Agh. OK, enough of talking about dickhead. Other topics please!
A truck driver is driving down the road when he sees an attractive woman hitch-hiking. He pulls over, she hops in and is completely mesmerized by his CB Radio.
She: "What's that?"
He: "It's the most power CB radio made. I can talk to anywhere in the world with this radio!"
She: "I would do anything to talk to my mother in Poland!"
He: "ANYTHING?"
She: "Yup!"
The guy pulls down his pants and says, "Go ahead."
The girl leans over and yells, "Hello ma?"
Bada Boom! Thank you ladies and gents, you've been a great audience. I'm here all week. Try the veal....
Congrats on being featured by the Cobra today. Yes, let's not talk about the Tool anymore. Let's talk instead about the contest you're having to set up your readers with your sister, and how I can cheat to finish first. Oh, you didn't know you were having a contest?! Kidding!
I don't have that many stories but this will have to do.
An elderly man is dying in his bed after a long illness. He suddenly wakes up to the smell of cookies in the kitchen. "Oh, those cookies! My wife has made my favorite dish!" he said. Feeling stronger, he slowly and painfully got out of bed and limped toward the kitchen. He got to the cookie sheet and started to peel a cookie off when suddenly, someone slapped his hand. "Don't touch any, those are for the funeral!" his wife snapped.
So about a month ago, I was working with an intern, and the intern had to do a digital rectal exam on a woman. Not a pleasant thing...on either end...no pun intended. So the intern goes in for the kill...I suddenly hear a moan/groan? What? What the hell was that? Apparently the intern wasn't paying too much attention, slipped the ol' index right into said patient's fun hole...
Morgan shut your damn mouth.
onto Business.
Redhead, loved the post and have some intel for you. When i was in college my room mate was something of a womanizer. He wasn't mean or bad to girls, he just liked variety and he was never secretive about it. he would tell girls that he enjoyed their company and wanted to spend more time with them and they would say they really liked him. he would tell them that he was going to keep seeing other girls and that they should know it and they would tell him he wasn't really that kind of guy. He would say, "no, I am" and then tell them that he would be very nice and kind to them while he was with them and then he would tell them that when he had to spend time with one of the others they had to get lost. they never believed it was true until they were confronted with it. they would stomp and spit and throw a fit but he would say, "look you knew this was the way it was. i said so, don't blame me." For some unknown reason to me these girls would stay with him and he might have four or five girlfriends at a time. Eventually I called him out on it because I was always attracted to strong women and preferred a relationship with a little more...exchange. He then did something I will never forget. he locked himself in his room for thirty-six hours and wrote a 15 page treatise on how to identify, entice, and bag women with low self esteem. he printed out two copies and gave one to me and our other room mate. We were informed to read them. Later that week we went to a bar and he made a point out of using the mantras of his treatise to target and eliminate a young lady. To prove his point he did it again on friday and saturday night in different bars with different girls. you don't have to believe me, but it is true.
the Point
within the treatise he listed a few various forms of girls that had dangerously low self esteem and one of which was entitled "victim". Under the heading of victim was , and I shit you not Red,
"Uses the phrase, 'in case I get back together with him'"
"her friends describe her as one would a stuffed animal" (you called her "sweet and vulnerable")
I say this not as a joke but a warning. You have clearly identified your sister's weaknesses and though you did not call her a "victim" you have clearly determined her peril. i support your efforts to cut off the Dickhead in any way shape form or fashion. If you need help let me know. i could have a vicious little redneck with no future cap this guy from 400 yards and nobody would know the wiser. I could have a couple guys show up on his door and bury him in a ditch so far from any civilization that aliens will be the first to find his body. Outside of that, I suggest calling him a "cunt" to his face in the presence of your sister and to keep calling him that and maybe get your brother on board. really violent and stark language like "cunt" or "cocksucker" can be powerful if used repeatedly to apply a label. i nickname everyone and probably 85% of them stick. It works and gets your message across.
Well, if the thought of killing Dickhead isn't just fleeting.. (and no, this isn't a "Fargo" style comment...)
But, I just moved to DC a few months ago and apparently homicide is pretty legal here. I mean, a few weeks back seven people were shot in one night and they haven't arrested anyone yet.
(Wait, actually, seven people were not shot DEAD, they were just shot. So apparently criminals can't aim for shit, so work on that.)
Actually, they really don't arrest many people at all. I'd say your odds are pretty good.
And, if that fails, just butter his floor.
Best of luck.
mcbias: Hey, thanks. For all my readers who don't know, go to the link for Cobra Brigade on the right and click - they featured me and even said some nice stuff about this here little blog. So show some support and go visit them.
As for auctioning my sister off - hmmm, tempting, but I'm not there yet. Oh, and the story was awesome.
cpt. morgan: Good God! Jesus...
bruce: I get what you're saying, and yes, my sister is not always the strongest woman when it comes to men. But that's what she has me for. Now having said that, I'm not calling Dickhead any names to his face - if she ends up marrying him that could make things...awkward, and I'm not ready to destroy my relationship with her over that dickwad. Right now I'll stick with telling her she can do better and keeping my fingers crossed. Maybe no the most effective method, but the most realistic.
Oh, and your college roommate sounds like a first class shithead. I hope he met a girl who was his match and she destoyed him bit by painful bit.
yes, I'll have another: Yeah, I don't actually think shooting him is a good idea. Besides the whole illegal aspect (and the fact that I'm pretty sure I wouldn't like jail), he's in the military. I get the feeling his friends wouldn't take too kindly to me trying to take him out. But way to think outside the box dude.
Been reading you for a while (found my way over from Slowly Going Bald via Pajiba), finally got up the courage to comment...
Sometimes, no matter what you tell people, they have to learn it for themselves the hard way. Dickhead sounds spookily like the same man who dated my sister, my friends, their friends, and everyone else who was in a shitty relationship. The best thing you can do is be there for her, be honest with her, and let her know you love her. Other than that, there's not much else. Good luck and thanks for all your posts, I'm always entertained.
So it's a joke contest to win a date with your sister, huh? Cool. I love athletic blondes and if I bring enough beer, I'm sure I could watch a marathon.
Two guys are in a bar getting shit-faced. The first guy pukes on himself and says, "oh shit, my wife is going to kill me!"
2nd guys says, "don't worry. Put a $20 in your pocket and tell your wife someone puked on you and gave you the money for dry cleaning."
They stay awhile longer and get totally trashed. The first guy stumbles home and his wife screams at him, "you reek of booze and you've puked on yourself!"
"I only had a few drinks. The guy next to me threw up on me and gave $20 for the cleaning bill."
The wife says, "but there's $40 in your pocket"
"Oh yeah, I nearly forgot. He shit my pants too."
Q: What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse's ass?
A: A mechanic
Seriously, I hope your sister wisens up and gets away from this d-bag. I have 5 sisters. Four of them married really cool guys. One married a total a-hole and you can't imagine how he brings us all down when we have to spend any amount of time with him (like holidays.)
OK, I totally understand the sister thing. My sister married a guy who is a total D-bag, and I tried warning her off many, many times, up to and including several teary eyed conversations where I told her she could find someone who would treat her better. Her issue was she had just come out of a bad relationship with a former friend of mine that I had to threaten with bodily harm if he did not leave her alone. She latched on to future hubby, who looked like a prince in comparison, but was still a self centered idiot. To make a long story longer, my pleading did not work, and I've been forced to live with the family situation for over 15 years now. I've got two beautiful nieces, and I spend my time fawning over them, talking to my sister and generally ignoring the self centered one. Ideal? No way. Workable? Damn right.
Your sister sounds a bit like mine. Needy, in a word. And the fact that Dickhead has already been busted cheating is a bad sign. I'm not sure there is a hell of a lot you can do to change the situation other than hoping constant reminders that he is in fact a Dickhead will work. Buenos suerte.
BTW, mercy kill Tat Guy and Fantasy Guy.
EAT MEAT!
losing it: Never be afraid to comment - I'm really nice. Sort of. OK, that's a lie, but still... As for dickhead, yeah, unfortunately he's not one of a kind. Unfortunately, he's one I have to deal with (and don't have the power to get rid of). Thanks for commiserating though.
jumpshootingfool: Ew and ew. And I don't even want to think about dickhead being at family gatherings for the rest of time - if that happens a homicide might actually occur.
glassyarddog: Way to make me feel better dude. And yes, my sister has dated other guys (actually EVERY guy she's ever dated) that would fall into the dickhead category. This doesn't give me a lot of hope for the future - even though I know she deserves better.
STILL A VEGETARIAN!
I am a vagatarian. Does that count? Bake the dickhead some cookies. Use exlax.
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