Tuesday, November 27, 2007

A Theory

A quick word on PDA before I give you my theory: PDA comes in many forms, some innocuous (hand holding, a fleeting kiss goodbye), some slightly annoying (think-you’re-being-sly-but-you’re-really-not groping), and some fucking gross (full on making out, touching, moaning…YOU’RE IN PUBLIC PEOPLE!). Hmmm, where was I? Oh yeah, PDA.

An aside: I do want to say that the latter form of PDA is really only excusable in one instance – drunkenness. We’re all assholes when we’re drunk, and I totally understand bad decision making under those circumstances. Ergo, the theory I’m about to present does no apply to the stupid, drunken masses out there (of which I’m often happily a member).

OK, to my theory – ugly people make up 99.9% of the PDA perpetrators out there. PDA is an ugly person epidemic.

I’m not kidding, check it out the next time you’re trying not to gag while stuck next to these fuckers. The people who (totally sober) go at it on the train, street, in a restaurant, etc. are almost invariably horribly unattractive human beings. And I think I know why. Hear me out – ugly people must know they’re ugly, right? They must be self-conscious about it. And even though they probably know deep down inside that they’ll always be ugly/fat/awkward/poorly dressed, I’m guessing they don’t really want to accept it. So, in an effort to prove to the rest of the world that they are, in fact, desirable, they kind of lose their minds when they finally find someone who is willing to touch and/or kiss them. And PDA is their way of (metaphorically) shouting from the rooftops – ‘SEE, SOMEBODY WANTS ME!’

Unfortunately, the rest of us have to suffer because of this. Not only do we have to watch something we really NEVER wanted to see (ie. two ugly people go at it), but (horrifyingly) they often do it in places where it’s virtually impossible to leave – like, say, in a subway car at 8am when I’m on my way to work and I have no way to escape you and your hideousness…! Life is so unfair.

The above theory was brought to you by Redhead the Bitch. Happy Tuesday everyone!

14 comments:

Jack Cobra said...

I read this post and then, instead of spouting off like I usually do, I thought about it. You are correct. I can't think of the last time I saw an attractive woman making out in the middle of the sidewalk/etc. I just can't. Amazing.

TK said...

I agree, with one additional item - kids. The other instance of PDA you will see is with teenagers, who either a) do not know any better, or b) are trying to appear to be mature by demonstrating that they are sexual beings.

But otherwise, yes... pretty much just ugly people. I have no problem with hand holding, hugging, kisses on the cheek, etc. But... that's the line, folks. Anything else and you're either a kid, or a mutant.

MCBias said...

^Yes, with tk's added comment, I agree with you. So, because I don't engage in PDA, that must mean I'm not ugly according to your theory. /failed logic 101

Redhead said...

jack: It's kind of scary when I'm right, isn't it?

tk: I totally agree about the teenagers and your theory behind them, but...I would urge you to look more closely (not that closely though - yuck) the next time you see a teenage couple going at it on the street/train. I'll put $20 on them being fubar (when did you think the self-doubt began anyway?). Now the cute teens are also into PDA to an extent (per your theory), but they don't really do it on trains etc. (because what do they care what old people like you and I think?), they do it at parties in front of their classmates (just to fuck with them). Trust me.

OK, I need to stop thinking about this stuff and get a life - this no dating thing is boring as hell.

Redhead said...

mcb: If you took a picture without a fist covering your face, I'd tell you if you should join the PDA train (you know, to bond with the rest of your kind). I'm nice like that.

rs27 said...

"Redhead to Ugly People- Get out."

I was just in Vegas and saw these two people making out hardcore style. Groping and the whole thing. I'm pretty sure the chick was a guy.

Redhead said...

Ugly people, fat people...I don't discriminate in wanting them all to leave.

Um...kidding.

Jumpshootingfool said...

I'd say you're usually correct on this one, but there was this time when I was bartending on a Sunday night when it didn't hold true. The guy who owned the bar around the block came in with his hot Brazilian girlfriend. It's late, there's like 6 people in the place, and they're already smashed. He orders a scotch, she gets a Bailey's and within minutes they're mauling each other. She knocks over her drink and is laying in it on the bar while he does a cavity search. It was awesome! I think he finally realized where he was, so he picks her up and runs out of there. Only time I didn't mind cleaning up Bailey's --that shit is messy!

Redhead said...

Dude, did you not READ the second paragraph? People, you piss me off when you don't pay attention.

GiveEmHellHarry said...

Damn it! Okay, I am fat and only considered attractive by the blind. If I promise never to engage in PDA, can I stay in the country? I really don't want to move to Canada with the rest of the Fugs.

Redhead said...

Hey, Ryan Reynolds is a Canadian and he is about as far from fugly as a person gets.
Refrain from PDA and I'll consider letting you remain.

Bella said...

The whole teen thing at the parties... so true. I'm *guilty* of that!

:) bella

Anonymous said...

While I admit the ratio of ugly people PDA to pretty people PDA leans heavily on the former, in my neighborhood the exception is twenty something gay males. I live in the "alternative" section of town and there is so much PDA its astonishing. (And the ratio of ugly/pretty people PDA only about 50/50). So, anyway, I'm not sure if this affects your theory.

- mia

Diarrhea of the Mouth said...

i'm fat/ugly and unattractive but i don't really care for PDA. i mean a small hand holding or a quick kiss but never a full make out thing.

maybe i'm a special ugly/fat/unattractive person.