Monday, June 25, 2007

Monday Ponderings

-There’s this guy at work who’s a total loser (kind of chubby, short, dresses badly), which is fine in and of itself. But the problem (as far as I can see it) is that Loser Boy doesn’t seem to have gotten the memo concerning his status in the world. On the contrary, I suspect he’s (somehow) convinced himself that he’s the shit. (It’s something in his walk – he struts.) Anyway, this bothers me (what doesn’t), and so I’ve taken it upon myself to handle the situation. Mainly this just means I’m a complete bitch to him for no real reason (don’t worry, he’s just some glorified temp that I don’t work with – it’s important to never torture a person just for kicks when it might affect your career), while wondering A) Why do I care about this guy?, and B) Just how quickly am I going to be sent to hell when I die? Hmmm, Mondays.

-I was at a wedding this past weekend, and I’m pretty sure the dad of one of my friends was hitting on me. I would normally say I must be mistaken (seriously, I’ve known this man since I was in the third grade), but let me lay out the evidence and let you decide: 1) He (after only one drink) got my attention when I was talking to some groomsman by yelling out ‘Red,’ and walking towards me. (Note: This is a man I STILL refer to as Mr. Lastname, and up until Saturday he’s always referred to me by my first name – which is not Red), 2) He actually lifted up a lock of my hair as I chatted with him and started to rub it between his fingers, 3) He mentioned how good I looked SEVERAL times, and 4) He suggested I join him on a business trip he's taking next month to Ireland. Yup, I have the heebie jeebies.

-Speaking of awkward, I think I may have a problem on my hands. As my regular readers know, I have this platonic friend named John who I’m very close to. He’s great – a Yankees fan, smart, stable, kind, funny. Just a good buddy that I’ve known for years. And except for some weirdness last year, we’ve always been on the same page concerning our relationship. Mainly, we don’t have sex.

And this has always worked for us. I’ve dated other guys (and talked about it), he’s dated other girls (and talked about it), and we've never dated each other. Sure I always flirted with him (sometimes mercilessly), but it never meant anything – it was all just fun practice. John was my friend. And honestly, (after a fucking decade of friendship) I thought he had accepted that.

Sure, there were clues that I may have been deluding myself – like the fact that ALL of the women I’ve ever introduced him to have come back to me with some variation of: ‘He’s so great – cute, smart, funny. But you realize he’s in love with you, right?’ Or my mom’s near constant reminder of ‘Redhead, you have to make sure you don’t lead John on.’ But you know what I say? Ignorance is bliss, if it aint broke don’t fix it, and…whatever other platitudes might work here.

Or I did say that. Now I think all this denial has finally caught up with me. I’m fucked.

See, John was at the wedding on Saturday, and NY Guy wasn’t. John wanted to dance – I was drunk enough to comply. John wanted to fetch me drinks – I wasn’t going to stop him. John suggested we get together for dinner next week (just the two of us) – I said that sounded great. John commented that he didn’t want to hear any more about NY Guy (when I started talking about him) – I said no problem. Everything was fine. It was all good. And then…it wasn’t.

There we were, sitting down towards the end of the night while I ate his cake (I love cake), when John leaned in and said, ‘I got a hotel room for the night. You could stay with me instead of going home.’ (Choking…can’t breathe.) Wait, what?! Where the fuck had that come from? My parents were there for fuck’s sake – they were giving me a ride home. What did John expect me to do, tell them ‘No thanks – instead of going home and sleeping in my own bed, I think I’d rather stay in a hotel room with John, let him have his way with me, try to act like the thought of him touching me doesn’t freak me out, and then do the walk of shame in MY BRIDESMAID’S DRESS tomorrow morning!’ I don’t think so.

So I opened my mouth to crack a joke, maybe pretend I didn’t know what he was saying (even though I did), and…nothing. What do you say to not hurt and/or embarrass the other person in this situation? I’d never rejected anyone that I really cared about. What do you say when you know that the wrong words or tone can literally destroy a friendship? I mean, he looked so sincere and (shudder) vulnerable.

Well, I don’t know the answer to any of those questions, I just know what I did. And what I did was mumble some gibberish (seriously, I’m not even sure it came out sounding like English) about my parents (hey, you’re never too old to use your parents as an excuse), before throwing in an awkwardly worded sentence that roughly translated to: ‘Let’s talk next week at dinner.’

So, now I need to have something to say by the time we go out for dinner (since I think my evasive maneuvers are finally getting old). Right now, I’ve still got nothing. And I was hoping my readers (especially the males) might have some suggestions. Otherwise I’m seriously screwed (I don’t pull off sweet and understanding well – especially when ad libbing). So, um, save me.


Dan said...

Guys are never "just good friends" with girls unless one of the following is true:

1) The girl is his buddy's girlfriend/wife.
2) The girl is his girlfriend/wife's friend.
3) The guy is gay.
4) The girl is ugly.

Period. In any other relationship between a guy and a girl, the guy wants to do her or date her. Actually, scenario (1) and (2) are gray areas too. In most of those, he still wants to do her unless (3) or (4) apply.

I think your only option is to tell him you have herpes. He'll understand that.

onthevirg said...

Well I hate to be that person, but I told you so. You're basically fucked. You're either going to have to crush him (by telling him you aren't interested) and hope he moves past it or it's going to be the gorilla in the room all the time. Or you could maybe try and appease him by telling him you'll give him a one-time bone and that's it. I wish I had some positive spin to give you, I really do.

onthevirg said...

I forgot to mention that him "Not wanting to hear about NYC Guy," should have been when the air raid siren went off in your head. You should have ran, not walked, away.

Redhead said...

dan: I swear I know all of that, but I really, really thought John and I could break the mold. And yes, I am a moron. (Oh, and the suggestion of even pretending to have herpes is not something I'm willing to do - like ever.)

onthevirg: Thanks for rubbing my face in it. And yes, I saw it all coming like in slow motion, yet I was paralyzed to stop it. I just kept praying that he wouldn't push it - as you can see from my second story, this wedding was surreal and upsetting on many levels.
As for the idea of the one-timer, I just don't think I can do it. Please have another suggestion for me. PLEASE.

onthevirg said...

I was joking about the one-timer, that certainly wouldn't help. You're gonna have to do the nasty. IE: give him the "I just want to be friends talk." I'll certainly try and think of an alternative. I think you're screwed though.

TK said...

Here's my advice (I know, right? You've been dying for me to chime in):

Nail him. But be really, really bad at it. Brilliant, no?

Seriously though, you're fucked. There is no advice other that to talk it out, and either he gets over it or he doesn't and things are awkward. Unfortunately, my honest advice is that regardless of the outcome of the conversation, you should spend some time away from each other.

Rodrigo said...

Oi, achei teu blog pelo google tá bem interessante gostei desse post. Quando der dá uma passada pelo meu blog, é sobre camisetas personalizadas, mostra passo a passo como criar uma camiseta personalizada bem maneira. Até mais.

Lozo said...

i just skimmed the past two posts. i guess you didn't take my suggestion on a breasts post? suit yourself. prude.

Redhead said...

onthevirg: I know, but he really is one of my best friends. This sounds like a little issue, but in my mind it's legitimately BAD, so I'm complaining even though I know I'm screwed.

tk: Sex with him would feel incestuous - so no matter what it would be bad. And I don't need those psychological scars. Oh, and as for the rest of your advice - yeah, it's bumming me out.

rodrigo: Best. Comment. Ever.

Lozo: That may be the first time in my life anyone's ever called me a prude...I like it. Thanks.

TK said...

In case you're wondering, here's the translation of that lovely spam post:
Oi, I found yours blog for google tá well interesting I liked this post. When to give gives passed for mine blog, is on personalized t-shirts, shows step by step as to create a well personalized t-shirt way. Until more.

Someone needs to turn on comment verification.

Dan said...

"That may be the first time in my life anyone's ever called me a prude...I like it. Thanks."

Oh come on. Really? You won't even sleep with your best friend. That's the definition of prude.

Redhead said...

tk: Hmmm, I still don't understand it. But doesn't comment verification mean I have to go and OK everything before it can go up? Seems like too much work to me - I'd rather just ignore the stupid ones.

dan: Not sleeping with your best friend doesn't make you a prude, it makes you smart. (Right?) So let's put it this way - I'm not a whore (no really, I'm not), but I'm also not what one would call a prude. Think of me as a happy medium.

Anonymous said...

red, you're too sweet. truly.

i'm going to go the 'good guy' route, but if this guy really is your best friend, honesty is the only option. and first things first, you have to figure out what your truth is, ya know?

if he is destroyed by your truth, then it was only a matter of time.

wow. i can be serious. who'da thunk?

Anonymous said...

So well told in "When Harry Met Sally", guy and gal friendships have changes at certain times.

You should be honest with yourself. I think what is key is actually what he says at dinner.


Redhead said...

nexus 6: What is with all you people being nice to me? I seriously am not sweet. (Did you not read my first 'pondering?') But thanks. You're wrong - but thanks.
As for how I feel - I truly don't want to have a romantic relationship with John. I just don't want to have to deal with all this drama either. Generally: Relationships+Redhead=Bye, bye

Dave: Again, I know all this. But I'm legitimately nervous about what will be said/will happen at this dinner. So I'm thinking of flaking on him and just not returning any phone calls for the next two weeks or so until I get my shit together. Too wussy?

onthevirg said...

You're a TOTAL bitch! There, feel better?

Avoidance isn't going to help you solve this problem. It's obviously something he's been thinking about for a LONG time so you dodging him isn't going to suddenly stop him from wanting you. You need to stop being such a pussy and just deal with it. One way or the other.

Redhead said...

All good points,, I still think I'm going to give the avoidance thing a shot. Feel free to call me pussy from now on.

Anonymous said...


Really good friends do not avoid wach other, regardless of what is going on.

Do not flake on him and be to the point when there is contact. Say you both may need time to get thoughts together. He has to respect that because he has been a friend and has already gone through the self-evaluation that brought him to decide to do what happened at the wedding. This is new to you but not to him. As a friend he must give you a little room.

You are being wussy if you dodge everything. Would you want him to if the situation was turned around?


Redhead said...

Fuck - maturity. How do you argue with that?

Cunning Linguist said...

I believe you're overthinking the situation. Men are yes and no creatures while women have to dissect every nuance. I'm going to pull Occum's Razor as my principal strategy for your reply. "John, I'm not going to fuck you. Get over it. There it is in a nutshell." See how that is? With all things being equal, the simplest explanation/answer is the correct one. He has his yes or no, you have your closure and all is well.

Of course, I'm also going to pull for the Lozo-solution as well. Flash the guy so at least he has something to work off of for the next 10 years before he gets drunk enough to be so bold again. What the hell, you said he's a friend after all. Good luck with all of it and keep us posted.

Bella said...

So how about that trip to Ireland???

(I'm only kidding...just trying to get away from the other 'stuff'!).


chosha said...

How about, 'you know I've realised this past week that flirting mercilessly with my male friend is just a really stupid and misleading thing to do and I'm going to stop doing that from now on, because you are, after all, a good friend, and fucking with your emotions is just a really bitchy thing to do'??

People keep telling you that if this guy is a friend you need to be honest with him. I think that applies to the way you act towards him, not just to the conversation at dinner this week.