-There’s this guy at work who’s a total loser (kind of chubby, short, dresses badly), which is fine in and of itself. But the problem (as far as I can see it) is that Loser Boy doesn’t seem to have gotten the memo concerning his status in the world. On the contrary, I suspect he’s (somehow) convinced himself that he’s the shit. (It’s something in his walk – he struts.) Anyway, this bothers me (what doesn’t), and so I’ve taken it upon myself to handle the situation. Mainly this just means I’m a complete bitch to him for no real reason (don’t worry, he’s just some glorified temp that I don’t work with – it’s important to never torture a person just for kicks when it might affect your career), while wondering A) Why do I care about this guy?, and B) Just how quickly am I going to be sent to hell when I die? Hmmm, Mondays.
-I was at a wedding this past weekend, and I’m pretty sure the dad of one of my friends was hitting on me. I would normally say I must be mistaken (seriously, I’ve known this man since I was in the third grade), but let me lay out the evidence and let you decide: 1) He (after only one drink) got my attention when I was talking to some groomsman by yelling out ‘Red,’ and walking towards me. (Note: This is a man I STILL refer to as Mr. Lastname, and up until Saturday he’s always referred to me by my first name – which is not Red), 2) He actually lifted up a lock of my hair as I chatted with him and started to rub it between his fingers, 3) He mentioned how good I looked SEVERAL times, and 4) He suggested I join him on a business trip he's taking next month to Ireland. Yup, I have the heebie jeebies.
-Speaking of awkward, I think I may have a problem on my hands. As my regular readers know, I have this platonic friend named John who I’m very close to. He’s great – a Yankees fan, smart, stable, kind, funny. Just a good buddy that I’ve known for years. And except for some weirdness last year, we’ve always been on the same page concerning our relationship. Mainly, we don’t have sex.
And this has always worked for us. I’ve dated other guys (and talked about it), he’s dated other girls (and talked about it), and we've never dated each other. Sure I always flirted with him (sometimes mercilessly), but it never meant anything – it was all just fun practice. John was my friend. And honestly, (after a fucking decade of friendship) I thought he had accepted that.
Sure, there were clues that I may have been deluding myself – like the fact that ALL of the women I’ve ever introduced him to have come back to me with some variation of: ‘He’s so great – cute, smart, funny. But you realize he’s in love with you, right?’ Or my mom’s near constant reminder of ‘Redhead, you have to make sure you don’t lead John on.’ But you know what I say? Ignorance is bliss, if it aint broke don’t fix it, and…whatever other platitudes might work here.
Or I did say that. Now I think all this denial has finally caught up with me. I’m fucked.
See, John was at the wedding on Saturday, and NY Guy wasn’t. John wanted to dance – I was drunk enough to comply. John wanted to fetch me drinks – I wasn’t going to stop him. John suggested we get together for dinner next week (just the two of us) – I said that sounded great. John commented that he didn’t want to hear any more about NY Guy (when I started talking about him) – I said no problem. Everything was fine. It was all good. And then…it wasn’t.
There we were, sitting down towards the end of the night while I ate his cake (I love cake), when John leaned in and said, ‘I got a hotel room for the night. You could stay with me instead of going home.’ (Choking…can’t breathe.) Wait, what?! Where the fuck had that come from? My parents were there for fuck’s sake – they were giving me a ride home. What did John expect me to do, tell them ‘No thanks – instead of going home and sleeping in my own bed, I think I’d rather stay in a hotel room with John, let him have his way with me, try to act like the thought of him touching me doesn’t freak me out, and then do the walk of shame in MY BRIDESMAID’S DRESS tomorrow morning!’ I don’t think so.
So I opened my mouth to crack a joke, maybe pretend I didn’t know what he was saying (even though I did), and…nothing. What do you say to not hurt and/or embarrass the other person in this situation? I’d never rejected anyone that I really cared about. What do you say when you know that the wrong words or tone can literally destroy a friendship? I mean, he looked so sincere and (shudder) vulnerable.
Well, I don’t know the answer to any of those questions, I just know what I did. And what I did was mumble some gibberish (seriously, I’m not even sure it came out sounding like English) about my parents (hey, you’re never too old to use your parents as an excuse), before throwing in an awkwardly worded sentence that roughly translated to: ‘Let’s talk next week at dinner.’
So, now I need to have something to say by the time we go out for dinner (since I think my evasive maneuvers are finally getting old). Right now, I’ve still got nothing. And I was hoping my readers (especially the males) might have some suggestions. Otherwise I’m seriously screwed (I don’t pull off sweet and understanding well – especially when ad libbing). So, um, save me.