Wednesday, August 27, 2008

My Homage to Food Porn

I’m starving right now. I’ve been stuck in meetings all day, I have another one coming up, and I don’t have any cash on me to raid the vending machine. People, I have been reduced to trolling the Internet looking for PICTURES of food. I am a desperate woman who isn’t afraid to share that fact with the world.


God I miss pigs in a blanket.

I don’t know what those are, but they look awesome. Right?

Fuck I’m hungry.

Melty cheese just makes everything better.

I know I’m not allowed to eat these anymore, but that doesn’t mean I can’t look.

Mmmm, pasta. I could eat like 12 plates of that...right now.

Hey, did you know Rugelach was spelled like it is? How weird is it that I did? Is anyone listening to me right now?

The only thing that’s missing here is a scoop of ice cream. Oh wait, I think there's one in the background. Fuck I’m hungry.

Okay, that’s it – oh wait, I’m going to need to end this right.

Aaannnddd, now I’m done. Sorry about that guys - sometimes I just need to use this site to vent.

Monday, August 25, 2008

This and That

Sooo…sorry about the not posting thing. My bad. Things have been a little nutso in Redheadland. Short version – I ripped a tooth in half, didn’t eat for a week, my jeans literally almost fell off while I was walking down the street two days ago (somehow they moseyed on past my – now quite pointy and scary looking – hipbones, and I almost dropped my coffee while making a grab for them), my parents are on vacation in paradise and DIDN’T invite me (the nerve), I may have made a move on another woman’s man (I’ll explain more in a bit, but yeah – oopsie), I think Christine’s not speaking to me but I can’t be bothered to call and find out, my assistant broke up with her long-term boyfriend and called ME in the middle of the night to talk about it (she said I always make her feel better – who knew?), a dude in my building quite possibly made a pass at me last week, and work has been a beast (how come things always go wrong all at the same time – and how hard is it to deliver books ON TIME?). So yeah – busy.

OK, a bit more in depth look at a few of the above (and some other random things because I have a short attention span):

-As some of you (those who read the comment sections around here) may have heard, I had the business lunch from hell a little over a week ago. Long story short, I bit into my salad, cracked a tooth, descended into a world of horrible, hideous, mind-numbing pain, but somehow managed to say nothing and act normal for the next HOUR AND A HALF because I didn’t want to ruin the lunch for everyone. (My assistant’s words, after we got back to the office and I told her what had happened, were ‘Are you serious? I had no idea – you must have the best poker face EVER!’) So yeah, first I cracked a tooth (I’d never done that before – people aren’t joking when they say that shit hurts), then I learned a harsh truth about dentists in NYC – they don’t work on Fridays in the summertime. I took me FOREVER to find one that was open.

Anyway, I still have to have a crown put in (to cover up the half a tooth they ended up having to rip out – hey, at least it didn’t end up being the whole tooth – and on the plus side it was the inside part that I lost, aka: the part that no one sees anyway), but onto the good news – I’m back on solid food again! Yeah baby! If you’ve ever had to settle for a smoothie when all you wanted was pizza, for a WHOLE WEEK, you know what kind of hell I was living in. Not that I’m complaining or anything, but…yeah, I’m complaining. So that’s my big dramatic story. What else…?

-There’s this guy at the office who’s…let’s just say very, very cute. So completely my type that it’s ridiculous – blonde hair (a personal weakness), muscular (great forearms), tall, these beautiful hazel eyes, and best of all just a very masculine vibe to him (no pretty-boy annoyingness here). Anyway, it wouldn’t be a lie to say that I was VERY pleased to see him last week on our warehouse trip. (My company likes to take groups of employees from the office to our warehouse every once in a while to see, well, where we keep the books – crazy idea for a book company, huh?) Where was I? Oh yeah, so I was psyched because who doesn’t like a little eye candy on a field trip?

And I knew that this guy could ONLY be eye candy. You know, because, um…well, this guy has a girlfriend. That I know. Pretty well actually. Because she works for the company too. On my (clears throat) floor to be precise. She super friendly – stops to chat all the time. Oh, and she really good friends with my boss! Yes, my boss. How ‘bout that?


In the interest of full disclosure, let me say that I noticed this guy before I knew he was anyone’s boyfriend – I’m talking months and months ago. I mean, he’s kind of the type of guy you notice. Or rather, he’s the type of guy I notice. And I didn’t realize that he was Girlfriend’s boyfriend until WAY after I knew I was attracted to him.

And it wasn’t my fault Girlfriend wasn’t on the warehouse trip. I mean sure, she had no more say in it than I did, but…ah fuck. OK, back to the story. So we’re at the warehouse, and I swear I tried to behave. I kept my distance for the first few hours, I didn’t really talk to Eye Candy or look at him or anything. I was SO good. But…he looked SO good. He’d gotten this great tan at some point recently, and he kept standing next to me while we took our tour. And…yeah, I guess I started flirting towards the end (I’m only human!). But I promise you that I tried to be subtle. You know, like I was doing it more for me than for him. And I really thought I’d succeeded. Except…yeah, my assistant was there too. And as she pointed out, she knows me too well. First, I got a sly little smile from her. Then I got an elbow nudge. Then I got a whispered, ‘You’re funny.’ And then:

Redhead: (Trying to look innocent) What?
Assistant: You know what.
Redhead: What?
Assistant: You’re hitting on another girl’s man.
Redhead: (Pausing, trying to look offended) How dare…okay yes. I am. Is it obvious?
Assistant: Nah, probably not to anyone but me.
Redhead: I swear I’m usually better behaved than this.

The conversation disintegrated from there. Somehow we hit on the fact that Eye Candy and Girlfriend had been together for 5 years (5 YEARS!), they were living together, but – even though both are in their 30s – they are still NOT engaged. My assistant concluded that he was ‘stealable.’ I…considered testing her theory to see if there was any truth to it. BUT I quickly came to my senses, stopped giving him the eye, and mentally kicked my own ass. I mean a) I don’t poach (really, I don’t…usually), b) we don’t know if they even believe in marriage, maybe they’re perfectly happy with where they are in the relationship, c) I don’t need that kind of bad karma, and d) talk about creating a bad work environment!

Still, I would like to do things to this guy. I won’t…but I’d like to. Does this make me a bad(der) person?

-I read a book over the weekend that I loved, loved, loved. It looks like chick lit, but it wasn’t annoying like most books in the genre. A mix of memoir/novel, I thought the characters were amazing (especially Sebastien – I can’t believe he’s real). There were parts of the story that made me laugh out loud, I actually think I fell in love with France while reading it (a hard thing to believe even though…admission time – I really enjoyed Paris when I went a couple years ago; I wasn’t expecting to, but I couldn’t help myself), and even though Laura (the writer/main character) and I don’t have much in common in terms of behavior, there were so many things that she thought and said during the story that I just ‘got.’ I guess what I’m trying to say here is that I really related to her.

So for anyone out there who’s looking for a really funny, absolutely charming book, I recommend – Blame it on Paris by Laura Florand. If you don’t like it, I don’t want to know you.

-So my mother got herself an iPhone and passed on her brand new iPod to me (since she no longer needed it – obviously). And I have to say, some of her music is really good. Some of it sucks (what’s with the showtunes, Mom?), but some of it’s really not bad. (I’m giving her playlist a spin before I load my music on.) Three oldies but goodies that I came across this morning that I thought I’d share – since they all made me smile:

You Make Me Feel Like Dancing by Leo Sayer (so, so, so fun)
Sunshine Superman by Donovan (wait, Donovan? Yes, Donovan – and there’s more!)
Mellow Yellow by Donovan (I dare anyone to listen to this song and NOT spend the rest of the day singing ‘They call me Mellow Yellow’ in their head)

There you go – my mother cracks me up. One more thought on her music before I move on to another topic: You’re My Home by Billy Joel – so romantic it’s out of control. Does it make me cheesy that I think so? Yes. Do I care? Fuck no. Try to find a woman who isn’t blown away by it. I dare you.

-Fruit punch flavored Vitamin Water is yum. And the little spiel about the flavor on the side of the bottle – actually pretty funny. Just FYI.

OK, more later in the week. Have I missed anything in your lives that I should know about? Well make it quick if you tell me – I need to work too, people!

(Note: Yeah, I know I'm supposed to start making these shorter - um, next time. Maybe.)

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

My Vet Is a Jackass

Guess what? No drunken hookups this weekend (you guys should be pleased) – of course, I was babysitting the nephews on Saturday night so that pretty much explains it. FYI, the little guys couldn’t be cuter if they tried.

No, instead I learned that my vet is a complete fucking incompetent (not something I ever wanted to realize). So everyone, allow me to vent for a few minutes, because I am still insanely pissed right now and need to let it out.

Picture this – it’s noon on Saturday, and I have somehow corralled my kitty into her carrier (with minimal damage done to me, woo hoo), to take her for her yearly physical. Upon arriving at the vet’s, I am greeted by the cutest boxer puppy – as a lot of you know, I was raised with boxers and love them to death – and foolishly I saw this as a good sign for the visit. Oh how wrong I turned out to be.

Anyway, so after a short wait I was sent into an examining room. I wasted no time taking my baby out of her carrier and holding her close – she doesn’t like her carrier and I wanted to relax her as much as possible. And as the nurse walked in, I made a point of explaining that P (my cat) is a) very nervous around strangers, and b) doesn’t like unfamiliar situations. So she was going to be freaked out – it was really just an FYI and ‘keep that in mind’ sort of thing.

The nurse looked at me blankly (her natural look I was soon to find out) before nodding her head, grabbing P out of my arms, and sticking her on the scale. Then she tried to take P’s temperature, and this is where P’s nervousness really became clear. P was…um…’clenching’ I guess is the correct word, and the thermometer wouldn’t go in. My response when the nurse pointed this out was simple: ‘Can’t say I blame her.’

Then the vet came in. She was new to the practice (I’ve been going to this place P’s whole life, but I tend to get a different vet each year and never really minded before – as long as they keep her healthy I’m fine), and she looked to be all of 12-years-old.

Whatever, I thought. Just let her take good care of my cat. Right off the bat she had the nurse hold P down so she could insert the thermometer, and after the discomfort of that (for P really, although I wasn’t all that comfortable watching either), we waited. And waited. And waited. It took Dr. Genius about 3 minutes before realizing the thermometer was broken. Fucking great.

Shrugging her shoulders, she patted P and said, ‘Her temperature feels fine, so let’s assume it is.’ Okey dokey. Then she went on to question me about P’s behavior recently – normal, her food intake – normal, and what food I feed her. When I told her what P eats, I was informed that it’s not the healthiest food out there. I know this of course, but P is a very picky eater and I try to do the best I can. Her dry food is very healthy, but her wet food (which she doesn’t get every day) is crap. I was told this had to change, and I agreed; P is going to turn 7 in October, and I knew I had to take a firmer hand with her. Fine, what foods would Dr. Genius recommend, I asked?

‘Um, I think we have some pamphlets on that out front.’

Oh good, I thought, she really is a moron. Looking at P – who incidentally looked like she wanted to throw up – I again made a point of mentioning that P is very shy, and obviously very nervous right now (although I was quick to reassure everyone that she wouldn’t bite or anything). Nodding her head, Dr. Genius began her examination of my little girl (shut up). As if to drive my point home YET AGAIN, the nurse actually giggled while Dr. Genius was looking at P’s eyes and said, ‘Look’ while pointing at the stainless steel exam table, ‘her paws are sweating!’ Sure enough, P was leaving sweaty streaks on the table. She was also super shedding – another sign of nervousness.

Are we clear yet that P was probably more nervous than most cats would be at the vet? I just want to be sure. OK, moving on.

So Dr. Genius was taking A LOT of time doing her examination – she spent forever feeling for P’s internal organs – and when she finally found her kidneys (P was sort of trying to get as small as possible during this whole experience and it was making things difficult – although I would like to note that none of the other vets we’ve visited have ever had any trouble checking things out quickly and efficiently), she commented that ‘The kidneys feel a little small.’

Huh…OK, what does that mean? ‘Maybe nothing,’ she said, ‘but since P is almost 7, we could do some bloodwork just to make sure everything is all right.’

‘Sounds good to me,’ I said, being very clear that P’s health is the only important thing. I didn’t ask how much it cost – I didn’t care.

Now, P’s never had blood taken before (that I remember), so I want to be clear that I had no idea what the protocol here was. When they held my cat down and lifted her head straight up so she was looking at the ceiling, I didn’t think to object; I simply assumed this was what they NEEDED to do. And even when they started trying to stick a needle into my cat’s neck, and I felt a wave of horror wash over me, I still kept my mouth shut. But I really almost lost it when Dr. Genius – she of the incompetent EVERYTHING up until then - had trouble finding a fucking vein.

My cat looked like she was in hell. I looked like I was in hell. But I kept my mouth shut, because they needed blood and I assumed this was the only way to get it (after all, who would use the neck to get blood if there was another option – especially on a skittish cat like P – right?). In fact, I only made one noise during the whole thing, and that was when Dr. Genius finally got the fucking needle in. The instant she pushed it in, P’s tongue sprang out of her mouth. Now let me be clear here – I’ve never seen P’s tongue pop out like that. It looked like she was being strangled. So I whimpered, feeling her pain. And do you know what that MOTHERFUCKING vet said? ‘Oh, she’s just being dramatic.’

EXCUSE ME? Did you just tell me my CAT was being DRAMATIC, you incompetent piece of SHIT? My cat does not know how to be dramatic – she’s a fucking ANIMAL! Now I don’t have a medical degree or anything, but if I had to guess I’d say she’s fucking terrified right now, and I’d also guess that there’s a VERY good change that you just stuck that needle into something you weren’t supposed to, you inept BITCH! You WASTE OF GODDAMN SPACE!

But I kept my mouth shut – she had a needle in my baby’s neck after all. And finally (it seemed like years later) Dr. Genius removed the syringe. And left…there was blood all over P’s neck. I was horrified. But Dr. Genius just looked at it and said, ‘Oh don’t worry, she’ll clean that off herself.’

Honestly, I didn’t know what to do at this point. My jaw was just hanging open, I felt sick to my stomach, and all I wanted was to get out of there. I couldn’t even think of words (and that never happens to me) – I think I was in shock. But the rage, the real ANGER only came when the nurse casually commented (after P had gotten a vaccination in her back leg – which she took like a champ by the way), ‘You know, maybe next year we should take the blood from her back leg instead.’

Excuse me? WHAT?! You restrained my cat and took blood from her NECK (badly), when you could have gotten it from her back leg? Knowing how terrified she was, you chose to do THAT rather just take it from a place far from her face? How COULD you?! If I had known there was any other option, I OF COURSE would have chosen it. Any MORON could have figured out that was a better choice. You ASSHOLE!

I just...saw red. I STILL see red when I think about it.

And right then I realized that I needed to get out of there. Quickly, or I was going to do something horrible. So I gathered P up, paid the bill, and ran. I was literally shaking by the time we got back to the apartment. All I could do was pull P out of her carrier, hold her close (for as long as she would let me), apologize for putting her through that, and wonder which of us was more traumatized by the events of the day. Considering she was jumping around and being naughty just a few hours later, I’m pretty sure I was.

In fact, I’m still…I’m still SO angry about this, I can barely tell the story now. So let me just conclude with this – I hate that vet, I hate the place where she works, I will NEVER go back there and I hope that bitch gets her license taken away. How dare people who are supposed to be taking care of animals treat them with such disrespect? Incompetent assholes.

OK, vent over. Thanks for listening (assuming you actually made it through that whole thing).

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

I’ve Lost My Mind

Everyone annoys me. I realize this statement won’t exactly shock you guys – let’s face it, if you’re not an animal, a really young or a really old person, or a member of my family, the odds of you pissing me off simply by breathing are inordinately high – but I just felt like I had to get it out there today. Why? Why not, I’m cranky.

Did you know I haven’t called Christine back since the night of the psychic? Not normally a huge deal (it was only a week and a half ago), but she’s called me twice, sent me 3 emails, AND she’s leaving on vacation…um, today. I have done nothing to reply in any form. The reason for this is – I just don’t want to. Yes, I’m really that simple. There was no fight this time around, nothing she did to piss me off, it’s just – you know, I just don’t have the energy to deal.

Now I get that indifference isn’t the same as animosity, but as I sort of implied, I’m feeling that too right now. I’m just generally fed up with everyone and everything at the moment, and the thing that’s really getting on my nerves at the moment is…bloggers. Yes, bloggers. I think I would annoy myself right now if I wasn’t…you know, me. Want to know why? Because bloggers – even the really good, entertaining, smart ones – never fucking change! (Note: My real beef at the moment is with ‘personal’ bloggers – like me! – the people who talk about themselves, their lives, their friends, ad nauseum, until you want to shoot them. How do you people – the readers – stand us? We’re not a relaxing break during the workday, we’re a fucking repetitive and stupid pain in the ass! Sports bloggers I still love though.)

Now I get it, if it’s so annoying then why don’t I simply stop reading? I do! ALL the time. I find a blog that I like, read it religiously for about a month or two, and then get so fed up with the writer that I have to stop (actually, this does sound strangely like all my relationships). Still, I think the point I’m about to get to is still valid: I can’t be the only one who feels this way!

Don’t you ever have a moment (while reading me or someone else), where you are suddenly almost overcome with the desire to say ‘Grow the fuck up already, would you?’ or ‘Get OVER IT!’ or ‘Just SHUT up!’ or my personal favorite, ‘What is this person’s fucking problem?’ I’m sure I’ve had readers who’ve thought this about me. And honestly, I don’t blame them.

Because while a writer’s ‘voice’ may be appealing in the beginning, don’t you ever find that after a while it’s all just the same old shit? The person’s quirks suddenly become flaws, and you start thinking to yourself, ‘If I could be assured this person – and their commenters – wouldn’t get all sensitive about it, I would LOVE to tell this person -----.’

Well here’s your chance – for all those lurkers out there that never comment, for the people who do comment but maybe don’t say EVERYTHING they’re thinking, for the people who used to read me but got fed up (I feel for you, I do) and maybe just dropped in today and got lucky – bring it on. What about me pisses you off? What will I NOT shut up about (but really, really should)? What am I doing with my life that you would change it you could?

Come on people – tell me something I don’t know.