Monday, April 28, 2008

I'm a Little Weird. A Little.

OK everyone, we’re going to keep this pretty short because work has been a beast lately, and I have (no joke) about 30 contracts to put together this week. But an update on my life is always fun, so…

-I’m still with Fancy Pants, but don’t judge me! Now that I’ve figured out it’s all sexual I feel much better about staying with him…just a little while longer. I promise!

-Went out with Linda, her new fiancé, and Fancy Pants on Saturday night. It wasn’t awkward at all! (Total lie – there is pain and THEN there is what I went through this weekend.) I couldn’t decide who I liked less – my date or hers.

Yes people, my life IS awesome.

-Virg finally took my advice, and guess what? He realized I was right. Fucking duh, dude!

-So I’m talking to Christine this weekend – actually, we were at a bar watching the draft – and she asked me about my nephews. This prompted me to start cooing about them (they’re ridiculously cute, I can’t help myself), and I guess I said something along the lines of ‘And the younger one is so cute and chubby!’ Without changing her facial expression Christine replies, ‘Just like his Aunt Redhead.’

She wasn’t joking.

Now just to be clear, I’m 5’8 and weigh 120lbs. I’m not exactly a Large Girl. But Christine…ah, Christine – do I need to take another 2 month ‘mental health’ break from you? (Deep breaths, deep breaths.)

On the plus side, when I told my mother this story she had to put the phone down she was laughing so hard. I love loyalty.

-My assistant – in a fit of rage against me I guess – decided to sign me up for a 5K in June. Now, I don’t run. I exercise (regularly), but jogging has just never been my thing. Until now I guess!

Anyway, since I’m a good sport I decided to go with it. I even went out and got myself new running shoes, new jogging gear (including fancy socks that supposedly suck up my sweat), and started jogging in Central Park. Well…2 weeks in and I’ve done something fucking horrible to my Achilles and am fucking hobbling around like I’m 80 years old! (You should have seen me taking the stairs in and out of the subway this morning – in the rain no less!)

Fucking assistants.

-My cat HATES Fancy Pants. Like, she comes running towards him hissing whenever he comes over. (Keep in mind, she’s 6 pounds.) Yet this bothers him so much that he no longer wants to come over to my place – in fact, he expects me to go to his apartment all the time now.

I don’t think so.

-So, if you were a huge pink vibrator shaped like a cock, what would you name yourself? Um…I’m asking theoretically, of course.

8 comments:

TK said...

Wow. You're still blogging! To be honest... I kinda thought you were dead. But if it makes you feel better, I was sort of sad about it.

Pets not liking your S.O. is actually a sign that I believe you should heed. I'm just sayin'.

And I think "Albert" is a good name. That or "The Pink Pudmeister." Feel free to use either one.

onthevirg said...

I'll have to admit (grudgingly) that the title of your blog actually has some merit when it comes to scotch recommendations. I'll continue you to deny any other of your assertions merely out of spite now.

I'm w/ TK. Pets not liking your bang buddy = not a good sign. And to throw something in from your previous post, I'm sure him being stacked has nothing to do w/ your attraction. {rolls eyes}

I'd go with, "The Paralyzer."

Just so you know, I was kidding about the rich part, but I'm wondering how long it took you to go from zero to outraged. I'm guessing immediately.

Redhead said...

tk: Smartass. Um, I don't want to be a bitch here (complete lie), but do you actually post any more than I do? Exactly.

I'd believe my cat not liking him was a sign more if she like my mother - the nicest person I know, and my cat HATES her. I'm thinking my cat's judgment is for shit.

I like Albert better - it will go with the name I gave my blue one: Bob. Bob and Albert...

virg: Ah virg, I know secretly you always believed I was a genius (don't deny it). Now I've proved it - don't be bitter.

'His being stacked' - no joke, I have NO IDEA what that means. Are we talking down below? Did I tell you guys that?!

Bad name - I like Albert better.

Stacked means money? Did you just make that up? (Oh, and you were wrong - I obviously wasn't enraged. Confused, yes. Angry, no. Plus, I don't care if you all think I'm a gold digger - money isn't bad in and of itself, it's the fact that he's a pompous ass about it that drives me NUTS.)

Bruce Paine said...

As near as I can tell. You have two issues at hand here that I believe I can help with.

1. http://www.coolrunning.com/engine/2/2_3/181.shtml

This is a program specifically built to help people do exactly what you are doing, which is run a 5k with no prior distance running training. The problem you are experiencing is common to people who are "overdoing" it while jogging. This program will prevent that and not hurt you. It is an excellent solution to your problem. Given you dimensions, I would advise skipping week 1. If said dimensions tend to be on the leggier side, skip week 1 and 2.

2. Slim.

So@24 said...

Bo Jackson.

Jill said...

Glad you figured out it was all sexual with Mr. Fancy Pants. Also, to Christine, that comment was way rude. Sorry my dear but low, very low.

Redhead said...

paine: There you go, always with the useful comments. Too bad I'm completely laid up right now (seriously, when I say I've done something BAD to my Achilles, I am sadly not joking - we've got swelling in both ankles and an inability to walk without a pronounced limp now...I am a spaz). I'm thinking running is clearly too complicated for me. How stupid would I look if I walked the 5K?

so@24: Hmmm...I've never given one a last name before. And I like the suggestion; it implies versatility.

jill: That's Christine. She did go to the Yanks game with me last night, and she paid for all the beer that we used to numb my poor abused Achilles, so...I'll keep her around a little while longer.

Jill said...

As long as she bought all your beer....that's pretty good penance I'd say!