Thursday, December 4, 2008

(Clears Throat)

Hello…hello…anyone there? Sorry about the layoff – not sure if people are still reading this stupid blog, but if so an update:

-The family is doing much better after the loss of R. We still miss her, but we’ve moved into the ‘telling funny stories about her and remembering the good times’ stage – this isn’t hard since she was a nutter of the first order. I’ll be ending blog posts with dog stories for at least a little while. Oh, and my mom is already trolling Boxer Rescue sites looking at the puppies; my dad wants to wait until spring to get a new doggie, but I give my mom another month before she can’t stand NOT having a dog in the house.

-Thanksgiving was great – we ate ridiculous amounts of food, played with my nephews (fyi, my youngest nephew freaking LOVES me – the feeling is mutual – and we’ve now totally bonded…he has me completely wrapped around his finger), and drank heavily. It was awesome.

-It seems like a rule that no matter how old you get, your parents can still make you do things you don’t want to do. Case in point: Somehow my parents made us all (the ‘kids’ I mean), sit down for a picture that would go on (not in, ON) their Christmas card. How old are we? Well, besides the nephews, the youngest one in that picture was…me. Do people really want to see a card senders' fully grown children? I didn't think so - my mother is so strange. On the plus side, my aforementioned younger nephew totally blew off his own mother to sit on my lap. Yes, I’m that amazing.

-Went to a great restaurant not last weekend but the weekend before that, and they had fondue as one of the appetizers. Not to get all ‘70s on you people, but is there anything better than dipping stuff in melted cheese? If there is, I haven’t found it. Fucking awesome.

-Funniest night in a while yesterday. Went to dinner with some people that I used to work with – we all survived working for my last company, and that sort of bonded us; we meet every other month or so to catch up. Anyway, one of the people who was there was my old…well, I guess the only word for her is mentor. When I started out in publishing I was an editorial assistant and she was an executive VP. She was loud, she cursed A LOT, and she was (and is) freaking brilliant. Within 6 months of my arriving at the company she took me out to lunch and said ‘You’re too smart to be an assistant, I’m making you an editor.’ Seriously, does that shit ever happen in real life?

Anyway, my mentor was there – she’s 70 now and retired (only not really), still loud, still brash, and still fucking awesome. So I’m standing there talking to a guy I also used to work with (married, but male), and Mentor comes up to me and without any preamble at all says, ‘Redhead, I never realized what fabulous tits you have!’ Cue the guy I was talking to just turning beet red. Some background here – it was hot in the restaurant, so I had taken off my sweater and was just wearing a tank top. Obviously I never wore tank tops to work, so that part of my anatomy had never been quite as on display as it was at that moment…I guess. Either way, nothing Mentor says really shocks me anymore, but that one did the trick. Married Guy (who had been drinking) recoved enough to freaking AGREE. And of course, this started a conversation amongst everyone about my physical attributes. Was this horribly embarrassing? Yes. But I did get to hear that my hair reminds someone of a ‘pre-Raphaelite painting.’ I would have preferred Titian, but beggars can’t be choosers.

On a side note, yes, I’m as surprised as you are that Mentor has never been sued for sexual harassment. I mean, I don’t think she should be – she never means to make anyone uncomfortable, we’re all just too goddamn sensitive – but still…she truly doesn’t edit ANYTHING that comes out of her mouth.

-I just read all of the Stephanie Meyer vampire books – TWILIGHT etc. – and I have to say…I don’t get it. I’m not going to ruin anything here (not that I imagine you guys are into those kinds of books, but I DO work in children’s books, and I kind of wanted to know what all the fuss was about, so…), but what the fuck?! With the exception of the first two books in the series (there are four), I actively disliked most of the characters. The first two books were nothing special, but fine. But the last two…?! I will say this and then I will stop – I don’t like Bella. At all. And Edward is a pussy. Okay, I’m done.

-My sister is back together with her boyfriend. I’ve stopped getting worked up over it. I barely blinked when they broke up after the election – yes, the douchebag actually broke up with her because she voted for Obama (see, I told you he was an asshole of epic proportions). But now…I’m fine. I see all of this as progress – on my part, obviously not on theirs since they’ve learned NOTHING in the past 3 years. But I digress…see how serene I am?

-For those who are wondering, my back is much better. This is all thanks for my grandmother and her magical prescription muscle relaxants that she ‘lent’ me. Yes, as I’ve taken to saying, my grandmother is now my drug dealer. Rock on.

-Today’s dog story: We got T before I was born – she was a boxer of course. So cute, so sweet, and such a boxer (for those who know the breed, you'll understand that comment). Whenever my mother came home from…wherever really, T would jump into her arms for a hug. Literally jump into her arms. My mother would come in the front door, and T would run up a few steps on the staircase, turn around, and leap into my mother’s arms. She would put one paw over each shoulder like she was trying to actually hug. My mother still jokes that it would make bringing home groceries MUCH more difficult, since if she didn’t grab onto T during one of those hugs, well, I’m sure you guys can figure out what would happen.

So damn cute.

Anyway, once I was born T decided that I must be hers. She would sleep beside my crib. She would follow me everywhere. She even tried to get me to share her food (thankfully I didn’t take her up on those offers…right Mom?!). She thought I was her puppy. So imagine her concern when I started to try to walk on two feet. She was baffled, and concerned. So concerned that every time I tried to stand she would, very gently, nudge me back to the ground. When I tried to simply sit up she would push me to all fours. She was…I guess…on a mission to make me normal. Sadly she failed as much as my parents did on that one. But damn, she was a good dog. And I did eventually learn to walk, so no harm no foul!

Is it any wonder I love animals with that kind of start in life?

Sidenote: For everyone who commented on my last post and didn't get a reponse, it wasn't because I wasn't really touched by what you said - I was upset and then I got really busy and then it seemed like I'd let too much time pass, and... Anyway, that's my typically awkward way of saying I really appreciated it, I loved reading your stories, and I suck.


TK said...

While I don't have one... boxers are the shit. Seriously, I love those dogs and always swore that I'd get one... except I always end up with either mutts or retarded dogs that have been abandoned or hit by cars or used for lab testing or somesuch.

Beth said...

Will you please be President of the "WTF, Twilight?" club? I'd be happy to be Secretary. I just don't get it. I mean, I read the first one, expecting at any second that the mania would take hold, and I finished it just feeling kind of...annoyingly teased.

Mentor sounds awesome.

onthevirg said...

Glad to see you back.

It's a shame someone already beat you to the dog story book. I just read Marley and Me this last weekend. It got awfully dusty in our house.

Jack Cobra said...

Do you realize that you'll end up looking like you have a kid in your family Christmas picture and since you are the one there without a significant other in the picture......

Redhead said...

tk: Your kind of dogs are just as good! That's actually why we've decided to go the Boxer Rescue route for our next one - that way we can get a doggie that really needs a good home and spoiling, but still have a boxer. Something to think about TK - what's the difference between 3 dogs and 2 at this point anyway, right? (Oh, and boxer's really are the shit, you're absolutely right.)

Beth: I will totally be the president. I think the draw for those books is that they're definitely a teenage girl's fantasy - beautiful, dangerous, but totally devoted man loving the average, not at all exceptional girl. But still...the books just aren't that good! There are a lot of really great young adult books out there, why this one?

Yes, Mentor is beyond awesome; everyone should have someone like that in their lives (even if it means putting up with a few 'tits' comments.

virg: I stopped reading Marley & Me when Marley got old - I just didn't want to torture myself. And of all the dogs we've ever had, R was probably the most like Marley - just so, so naughty. But you'll get to hear about all of them in the next couple of weeks, since they were all great in their own ways. Just not the bad endings; I like to skip the bad endings.

cobra: I should be so lucky to have a kid that cute! Most of the people who are getting that card know my brother has 2 boys, and since there are 2 little boys in the picture... As for those who can't figure that puzzle out, I don't care. Maybe they'll send gifts!

mlj said...

On Twilight, check out this review from the Guardian,

There are so many books that are so much better and they just get ignored. Sad really.

Alex said...

We have a fondue party every year. Round of cheese, followed by a round of chocolate. Wine throughout. It's excellent.

Mentor sounds awesome. You're lucky to have had that experience, sounds like.

Bruce Paine said...

Get ready for a long one (hehe)...

Liquid chocolate. Every winter my girlfriend (the aforcommenting "mlj") hand makes truffles for a few choice personages. She coats them in real chocolate she tempers (not candied chocolate, there is a finite difference) herself. Lord knows I love cheese, but when it comes to liquid food nothing embodies sex the way chocolate does. The only problem is that when the 20 pound block of german chocolate gets to the house I am the one that has to chop it up.

The older my mentors get the more they tell me I am a failure. At Thanksgiving a great uncle told me that all of his grandchildren were brilliant people with great jobs but he had always thought that I may have been superior to all of them. He then said that 90 was a terrible age to discover you might be wrong. (AND...I am apparently losing my sex appeal.)

People think books are great now because they don't read enough books to fucking compare the good to the bad. We have an entire generation of Americans that haven't fucking read Richard Brautigan. How the FUCK are people supposed to know where they come from. I read the first three chapters of the Twilight book the other day when we were Christmas shopping, it is real fucking weak. People climax over The Da Vinci Code because they have never read Tropic of Cancer. Any book reading is probably a good thing, but reading good books is still better than reading crap. MLJ and I have this thing where every book I make her read she forces me to read a book she likes. Because of that I ran into Robin McKinley's Sunshine, which is a really good vampire book. Twilight is hack escapism, much in line with something like Eragon. There are socially relevant books that kids should read. We shouldn't have to make crappy movies out of them to get folks to read them. Best book to movie = Band of Brothers to Band of Brothers. Worst book to movie = Pride and Prejudice to Pride and Prejudice with Keira Knightley. (An argument can be made that the screenwriters for 300 completely missed the point of the comic, but that would just make this long comment a few thousand words longer.)

Jill said...

I think the hype with Twilight is now Mormon's can read romance novels w/o the they don't have to feel guilty. I think that's why everyone else feels so "annoyingly teased" as Beth put it. Only reason I enjoyed them, some parts anyway, was because it was a way for me to escape the crap I was going through at the time.

Also, I'm super incredibly sorry to hear about your dog! We just had to put my cat to sleep so believe me, I understand. HANG IN THERE!!!