Thursday, November 20, 2008

I Hurt Right Now

I haven’t posted recently – I’m not going to apologize for it, I’ve had some personal stuff going on. And honestly I’m not really up to writing right now, but I will say this for those of you who have emailed me asking what’s up…

On Monday we put my dog, R, to sleep. I picked her out when I was in high school, I loved her more than I could ever love a person (probably because dogs can love more than people are truly capable), and I feel horrible right now. I know we did the right thing, but being a selfish person I still miss her and wish she was here. However she trusted us enough to know that we wouldn’t let her suffer, and we couldn’t and wouldn’t let her down. So for now I’m dealing with the occasional bouts of crying – my assistant was dumbfounded on Monday as she said ‘I didn’t even know you could cry’ – and I’m trying to compartmentalize and keep it together while at work.

My behavior may seem strange and like an overreaction to some, but to those people I simply say, Fuck You. My father cried on Monday; my father never cries. My grandmother cried when we told her; she didn’t cry when her husband of over 50 years died, because as she put it, ‘What does crying accomplish?’ My mother has commented that this is, ‘As hard – maybe harder – than when my mother died.’

R is not the first dog we’ve lost – her sister B passed away 2 ½ years ago and it was soul-destroying as well. We lost S and T before that, and those dogs practically raised me. And…it never gets any easier. As my mother put it, ‘The house always seemed like just the right size with dogs in it. Now it’s just…too big.’ I understand perfectly.

So to R, B, S, and T – I still love all of you, I miss you, and I didn’t deserve a fraction of the joy each of you gave me. This sucks, but I’d still do it all over again because the good times far outweighed the bad.

I may be telling some funny/cute/weird dog stories in the week to come, so if you’re not interested don’t bother stopping by. As for today, I’ll simply end with this: I loved them all as selflessly as I could. They were better at it, but I did my best.

7 comments:

TK said...

Aw, shit. I'm so, So, SO sorry Red. I start to shake just thinking about my dogs... you know (I'm also actually incapable of saying it). So I definitely understand.

Dog stories of any kind = always welcome. Take care.

MCBias said...

I don't want pets because it's too hard when they die. I'm sorry to read that, Red, thanks for updating us. Grieve as much as you need to.

Redhead said...

tk: Thanks, I really, really appreciate it.

mcb: You missed the whole point of what I wrote, didn't you? What you get from a pet FAR outweighs the considerable pain I'm going through now; it's not even close.

One More Dying Quail said...

I can only remember crying uncontrollably twice in my entire life: once when my great-aunt died and once when I had to put my dog down. He had just been diagnosed with cancer and still LOOKED healthy, but there was no way we could afford treatment. My parents had watched our first dog, Rusty, slowly fade away, and couldn't bear to see it happen again.

My father planned to take him to the vet, but I told my mother that if he didn't let me do it, I would never forgive him. She relayed my message, along with her own opinion, "And I believe him."

I sobbed like a baby all the way there, and even had to wait in the car for ten minutes after I arrived, just to compose myself. It was a blessing, really, because when I went in, some lady looked at my dog and cheerfully exclaimed, "What a beautiful dog! What's his name!" Fortunately, I had cried myself out by that point.

So yeah...I can understand what you're going through. That dog was a good friend during my childhood and it was a sad day when he died.

MCBias said...

Red, I'm just coming from a different set of experiences with pets (I won't bore you with the explanation) and was voicing that. I meant no disrespect or second-guessing of your post. Certainly the last thing I want to do is offend you when you're sad about the dog.

onthevirg said...

Red, really sorry to hear about your loss. Putting animals down is never fun, especially dogs. Like you said, they love us so unconditionally, I've always felt like it's taken sorely needed, freely given happiness out of my life when I've had to do it.

Alex said...

Red, sorry to hear about R. I never had a pet until I was 30, and I can only imagine how much I'm gonna cry when Cat #1 goes... I totally agree with everyone here about how a pet's love is unconditional, and if you tell all the stories you need to, I daresay it looks like you'll have a pretty receptive audience around here.