Wednesday, April 15, 2009

OK, One of These Things Isn’t Funny (I’ll Try Harder Next Time)

I was going to post something here last week, but I ended up having a life crisis instead. Ah well. Some Redhead updates:

-Italy was awesome. Fucking exhausting (sooooo many meetings), but fabulous. I ate a lot (mmmm, pizza), drank a lot (Chianti, Prosecco – you just can’t go wrong with either of those), and basically just soaked up the beauty. Is there anything better than sitting outside at 4 in the afternoon, on a cobblestone side street, watching people go in and out of the little chocolate shop on the corner, while drinking your 3rd glass of Prosecco that day? Nah, I didn’t think so.

-Random fact about me you don’t already know – I love orange soda. (Hey, I told you it was random – I don’t really go in for those 25 Things About Me lists, but every once in a while it’s nice to throw one out there.) Anyway yeah, I’m completely obsessed with the stuff. If I’m in a store/restaurant and they have orange soda, I get unreasonably excited and tend to…overindulge.

There you go.

-I am now officially obsessed with the UFC. Last week I found myself sitting home watching Spike TV (don’t ask), and some UFC tournament (is that what they call them?) came on. I was entranced. It has been a long time since something sucked me in like that. I watched the whole fucking thing (and showed up for drinks with friends, oh, 2 hours late – oops). It was totally worth it and I can’t wait to learn/watch more. Two overenthusiastic thumbs up.

-Let’s title this one Stupid Things Women Say to Avoid Being Asked Out on a Date.

So Christine was at work, and the annoying, not very (read: at all) attractive guy who’s been following her around walks into her office. First words out of his mouth were, ‘Hey, do you like art?’ Christine’s answer: No.

What?! OK, ignoring the fact that that’s a complete lie (she’s almost as much of a museum nerd as I am), who says that?!

He immediately started stuttering about a show at the MoMA he’d hoped she might like to see with him, and she cut him off with ‘Sorry, I don’t like art.’

As she was telling me this story the other night, all I could respond with was ‘THAT was the only letdown you could come up with? Not a nice little: I don’t date people I work with? But: I don’t like pretty things and culture is abhorrent to me????!’ Her reply: Hmmm, yours actually would have been better, huh?

You think?

-So who wants to hear about my week last week? Well, really only 1 interesting thing happened. (Well, sort of.) Where to start…

OK so I got off the train last Monday, and as per usual I was in my own world as I walked to my apartment (headphones on, eyes down). I was exhausted after a long day of work, and I just wanted to go home and collapse. Essentially, as I got to the door of my building, I wasn’t really paying attention.

Some guy followed me into my building. (In my defense – and I know I don’t really deserve a defense on this one – it was 6pm, the sun was still out, and a lot of people come home at that time so I didn’t think much of it when he followed me through the locked front door.)

Anyway long story short, I finally got to make my first 911 call! (Another aside – NY 911 operators are assholes. Bitch, I wasn’t yelling at you, I was yelling at the guy who had trapped me in the hallway and wouldn’t leave; I didn’t appreciate the attitude.) Not to put too fine a point on the story (because you don’t need, nor want, all the details), but the guy trapped me near the mailboxes on the first floor of my building, and he pretty much kept me there while he…um…pleasured himself.

On the plus side he didn’t try to touch me. On the negative side…it happened. And it was about as much fun as it sounds.

I don’t really know if I handled it well or not (is there a way to handle something like that well?). Much to my mother’s dismay – when I told her the story later that night – I was a little feisty (verbally) during the whole thing. Now making noise in a situation like that is considered smart. But telling the guy (who was much bigger than I) that he’s a ‘fucking freak’ while all alone in a locked building with him probably isn’t. What can I say – turns out I’m not one to go down quietly (apparently).

So that’s it – I was going to post last week but decided to have roughly 12 panic attacks instead. Still, I’m fine. Much more shaken by the situation than I thought I would be (mostly because I feel so fucking stupid for not paying more attention when I got to my building), but fine. Trust me when I say, I realize the story could have been a lot worse, and I know I’m kind of a wuss for not getting over everything quicker.

And that’s it. Shockingly I’m stepping up my new apartment search. Anyone have any funny stories to share?


TK said...

Um... OK.

Might I offer this suggestion should there be a next time?

Foot + groin = problem solved.

Redhead said...

That actually occurred to me! A few problems with that though:
1) he was blocking my way to the front door, and if he went down...well, he'd still be blocking my way (old NY building = VERY narrow hallways), and there was no way I was going to go upstairs to my apartment and show him exactly where I lived;
2) I didn't want to touch him - he hadn't initiated bodily contact at any point and I was willing to keep it that way; and
3) I didn't want to piss him off. I know the nut shot is effective, but does it totally incapacitate or merely hurt (a lot) a (clearly not completely sane) person. While I was (apparently) willing to verbally taunt him, I didn't want to actually instigate something that I couldn't finish (I'm all talk, very little bite).

I chose the path of lease resistance - way to make me feel better about that dude!

MCBias said...

I like orange soda too! Huge fan of Faygo. No one else does it quite like them. Are you also a fan of Jones' Orange Cream Soda?

Why am I not surprised that you like the UFC?

My ongoing saga in the Pilates class continues. Yes, I do need the exercise, but of course the chance to meet plenty of women didn't hurt. And so far it's me and 20 other women!...most of whom are 40 and up. The class itself is uneventful. I'm just amused at how any attempt of mine to meet women fails. In not unrelated news, I broke down and bought a dating site membership. FAIL!

MCBias said...

As for the incident in the hallway--first, I am so sorry. Call/e-mail if I can at all help you. I understand TK's point. But as long as you're not being physically assaulted, my policy in life is to live for another day. Assholes die early; I intend to live long enough to spit on their graves.

Redhead said...

mcb 1: I've never heard of Faygo, and I HATE cream soda - but Orange Crush, Sunkist, or any other random kind of orange soda there is, I am all over it.

Yeah, in retrospect the UFC does seem like an obvious choice for me. Still, it's beyond awesome and I want to go see it now.

Ooh, which dating site?

mcb 2: Honestly I'm really fine about it. I was freaked out for a couple days, then I was intermittently freaked but 90% okay, and now I'm completely back to normal. It was a life lesson (and one I didn't have to pay too huge a price for, which is nice).

I'll say one thing though - last week was WEIRD. I'm not just talking about the hallway thing, I'm talking about men in general. Even Christine commented on it - men were following me down the street when we went out on Friday. They were yelling things at me. One guy on the subway SMELLED MY HAIR while Christine watched in shock. She actually insisted on walking me home after witnessing all this, and trust me when I say this was not normal behavior. I don't know, maybe I was having a weird pheramone week or something.

Alex said...

Yikes! Damn, well, yeah... that is *&$#ed up. I'm glad you're relatively ok, and that it wasn't worse. A new apartment sounds like a wonderful idea.

UFC: I was about ten feet away from Brock Lesnar at a Timberwolves game this fall. Big damn dude.

McB: I tried the same thing with aerobics. Still haven't had any dates from it, but I'm now in tremendous shape...

Bruce Paine said...

...I am deeply disturbed by the situation. I am deeply disturbed that you had to be subjected to this. I am not entirely sure what to say. I am very sorry this happened to you. I have to admit that I am deeply disturbed by your response and the presumed response suggested by MCBias. Forgive me, I am afraid all I can do is calculate the number of ways that situation could have gone and am profoundly thankful that the direction it took ended without serious harm to your person. You can imagine the sort of suggestion I would make given the circumstances but I am sure you have heard it before so I will simply digress.

I am glad you're okay.

Redhead said...

alex: Agh, I don't know who Brock Lesner is yet! Don't worry, I'm about 3 minutes away from googling him and becoming insanely jealous that you met him.

paine: I'm going to avoid getting in a fight with you (I don't have the energy today); so instead of asking just how you think I should have handled the situation, and what I did that was so 'disturbing,' I am going to simply say thank you - I'm glad I'm okay too.

Bruce Paine said...

I am not trying to start a fight, nor do I condemn anyone. Without the three thousand word filler, I am disturbed your story didn't end with these two sentences, "I pulled out my .38 and told that fucking freak to get the fuck out or get dropped. He left and I went upstairs, took off my heals, and ate a sandwich." Beyond that, I am disturbed by MCBias's comment, "But as long as you're not being physically assaulted, my policy in life is to live for another day." How much indignity does one have to suffer before it becomes assault? how many steps forward does a criminal have to take before they are standing behind you? Does one expect to negotiate at that point? That sort of philosophy only allows people with deeper constitutions to take from you things that aren't theirs. Assholes don't always die early, they prey on those who have proven themselves weaker or allowed themselves to be preyed upon. We are not guaranteed happiness, security, or any of the other mess that we hope for. We make it, take it, or watch others get it. I don't want to see people get hurt. A villain's hand closes over a woman's wrist and her options become very limited. More often than not, she doesn't get to decide shit. I don't want that for you or anyone.

Redhead said...

I don't own a .38, but it's a good thought. Now that's it's over I do have moments of thinking, 'I should have done...' but to be completely honest, I'm okay with how things turned out. I would have preferred avoiding the whole thing, but at the end of the day it really was a life lesson, and I really did get off pretty easy.

Christine's comment on the whole thing was the best though:
Christine: Do you realize that's now your most recent sexual encounter.
Redhead: Fuck you.