The Bitter Top 4

I don’t like calling people back. Wait, that sounded bad. Um…nope, there’s no other way to say that. I don’t like calling people back. I don’t actually mind talking on the phone when I get roped into it, but I almost never call people (excluding work where I’m kind of paid to call people back) of my own volition. I just don’t care to. And I’m pretty rude about it, too.

A close friend will call on a Wednesday and ask if I want to hang out that weekend, and I’ll call back 2 weeks later. And I have no real excuse for them when I do call back. Sadly, it’s become almost expected amongst my friends.

Even when I try to analyze it myself (which I normally go out of my way not to do), I find that there’s no real reason for my behavior. I’m a social person, fun to be around, not really shy in any way. I can talk to anyone. But I’ll avoid calling people back to an almost epic degree. I’ll think about returning a phone call, and then I’ll put it off. Then I’ll put it off some more. And when the procrastination becomes ridiculous, I’ll put if yet again. Finally things will generally end when the friend calls AGAIN, and the guilt makes me pick up the phone.

And I do this to everyone. Friends, family, boyfriends, guys I’m just starting to date. Yet I’m still a little surprised whenever I’m single. I mean, I’m cute, smart, fun to be around, and clearly not even remotely clingy. That has to count for something, right? Why are guys so sensitive? If a girl doesn’t call back right away, call her back. It doesn’t always mean she’s not interested. I mean, have a little confidence.

Now, if she doesn’t call back after the second phone, then you back off. You don’t want her to make fun of you to her friends.

Anyway, in honor of Valentine’s Day – the Hallmark holiday from hell – which yet again (how is this an annual thing; couldn’t we change this to once every 4 years like Leap Year?) tortured me and all of my single friends this week, I am posting my Bitter Top 4. I’m not turning this into a female thing either. Instead, think of it as a ‘This is totally against the spirit of Valentine’s Day, but it really makes me smile anyway’ list. The anti-romantic top 4 if you will:

1) Right Back by Sublime. Like most Sublime songs, it makes me laugh my ass off – and it’s catchy too. This is how it starts:
Sleeping by yourself at night can make you feel alone,
your girlfriend said so, but I don’t really know.
That don’t mean we fucked around,
that night last week when you left town.

2) Pepperoni and garlic pizza. It’s fucking awesome. And while some (most) say that garlic is a dating no-no, I say there are days when I don’t care. And if you make me choose between men and pizza, men are not always going to win. That’s why God created vibrators, right?

3) Mallrats by Kevin Smith. How people don't like this movie is beyond me. Listening to Jason Lee go off for two hours is awesome. His speech about the kid on the escalator kills me (those are the sorts of things that I notice and bitch about). His questions about Superman's sperm made me wonder for a few minutes (until I realized what a complete waste of time that was). The flea market and the chick from Three's Company killed me. And Ben Affleck, having sex at the end of the movie with the girl who is taking notes, asking "Tell me who's you favorite New Kid" killed me. I mean, Shannon Doherty is in this movie. And while there is technically a happy ending here, it's not even remotely romantic. So it makes the list. (And I can never see the picture in those 'dot' posters either, so the fact that it made someone insane during the movie worked for me, too.)

4) Vanishing Acts by Jodi Picoult. OK, this may be considered more of a female skewed choice, but trust me when I say it is by no means 'chick lit.' And to be honest, this book didn't make me smile. At all. But it's not romantic. And it allowed me to pass judgment on the main character from the first chapter on, so for me I got something out of it.

As with most of Picoult's work, it was heavy handed and freaking depressing, but the main character was so unlikable that I found I wasn't emotionally invested enough in the book to mind. Now I guess if I was being completely honest here I would admit to throwing this book on the list just to have an opportunity to vent, but no, I'm not going to admit to anything. Instead I'll fit it into the theme and sell it by saying that if you're ever in a bitter mood and want to feel superior to an imaginary character - hey, I'll take my superiority where I can find it - this is the book for you. The main character fucks over everyone in her life who has protected or cared for her, and amazingly no one calls her on it. It was mindboggling. And anyway, this book is a less obvious choice for the Bitter 4 than, say, American Psycho.