You Annoy Me

Alright, today I want to talk about things that piss me off (why should today be different than all other days?). This is without a doubt one of my favorite topics – as I’m a complete bitch – but right now it seems like an especially relevant discussion. Why? Well, because I’m sitting at work listening to the person who sits near me suck on a candy, and she sounds like a bulldog with a sinus problem. Is it distracting? Yup. Do I want to do her bodily harm? Yup. Do I want to say something legitimately offensive right now? Oh yeah. Will I actually say anything? Nah.

Not surprisingly, like most people (who are sane), I keep my anger tucked inside. I realize I have to work with this person, so instead of saying something, I keep my mouth shut. I let it fester away while it gives me an ulcer, since she does this every fucking day, and I slowly count to 10 (over and over). I politely decline whenever she offers me one, and I never say, “No thanks, I'd hate to look like you do right now."

The problem is, she is a really nice person. I feel guilty about these thoughts. Yet I still think them every freaking day.

I do this with strangers too. I get intensely annoyed with them. I rip them to pieces- in my mind - while always keeping my mouth shut. Why? Because I’m not going to become one of those people. You know who I mean. The person who is verbally abusive toward unsuspecting strangers on the train - the nutjob that everyone tries to ignore.

I repeat, I am sane; I know the difference between right and wrong. In fact, until a person gets to know me they always find me quite sweet. That’s why it’s always a surprise for them when they get to know me - because I'm not sweet at all. On the plus side for me, when they do finally discover the truth about my personality I’ve normally already sucked them in. (I'm really quite charming...really.)

Quick story (I'm full of these): Someone at work (a friend) once asked me once if I ever thought/said bad things about her – I was in the middle of ripping someone apart behind their back at the time, so the question was pertinent – and I promptly answered, “probably.” (When called out, I'm nothing if not honest.) So she started to get upset - which made me wonder why she had asked if she didn't want to hear the answer - and I patiently explained to her that I get annoyed by EVERYONE. It’s seriously not personal. She is a very nice person. But I can’t stand ANYONE all of the time. And since she still talks to me to this day, I assume she understood.

Anyway, in honor of my current aggravation, I decided to throw together a quick list of things people do that drive me batshit crazy. In no particular order:

• Chewing gum, snapping gum, blowing bubbles, etc. Seriously, you look like a cow grazing and you’re annoying the shit out of me. Have a mint.
• Knuckle cracking. Shut the fuck up, you’re making my skin crawl.
• Tapping, drumming fingernails. My mom does this without realizing it, and I love her more than just about anyone, but I still tend to lose it when I catch her. At this point, all I have to say is, “Are you kidding?” and she stops. She knows me well enough to just shake her head.
• Whistling. Seriously? You’re that happy? You think I want to listen to you whistle? Ugh, I’m not even going to say what I want to do to these people.
• People who randomly smile while walking down the street. I actually feel bad about this one because smiling shouldn’t be a bad thing, but wtf? You’re not walking with anyone. You’re not on the phone. Who are you smiling at? You look like an asshole.
• The person who spends 5 minutes or more ordering at Starbucks. Um, I need coffee. What’s the problem? I’ve been getting coffee “on the outside” ie. not making it for myself, for a long time, and I have never spent more than 2 minutes at the register - that's only when I’m doing something extra like getting a gift card for someone on top of waiting for my coffee. Otherwise, 30 seconds tops. So move your ass dickhead. There’s a line and we all need to get to work.
• The person who puts their bag on the seat next to them on the subway. I mean, there are freaking signs up telling you not to do that! If you don’t want to put it on the floor, put it on your lap – it’s big enough.
• The man who pushes little old ladies out of the way to get a seat on the subway. Then I stand to let a pregnant woman or child sit while he’s taking up the space of 2 people with his legs spread like he’s visiting the OB-GYN. I mean, I know chivalry is dead, but who raised these guys?
• People who text message all the time. Now sure, I hate talking on the phone and avoid it whenever possible, but if you have a long story to tell me, don't freaking text it! It just makes the ensuing back and forth last even longer. And when I'm out with you, don't spend the whole time texting other people. It's rude - trust me; especially when we're at a restaurant.
• People (families, couples, etc.) who fight in public. (This also applies to people on their cell phones yelling at some unseen person while walking down the street.) I don't need to know that you hate someone. I don't need to know ANYTHING personal about you. In fact, I would prefer not to know. Seriously, if you don’t mind humiliating your partner/friend/whatever (and yourself) in public, that's your business. But at least show some respect to the poor unsuspecting bystanders who are just trying to get home/to work/anywhere that is away from you. We didn’t ask for this, and you’re making us uncomfortable.
• People who think all Yankees fans are pretentious assholes because they’ve been good for the last decade. Um, guys, not everyone jumped on the bandwagon in the late ‘90s. Some of us fell for the team in the ‘80s, when they sucked, and have fucking earned the right to enjoy their success. So get off our backs.

OK, that’s it for now, but trust me I have many, many, many more of these to bitch about in the future. Until then, don’t work too hard.