Thursday, February 19, 2009

Not Tonight Alex - I Have a Headache

If I make it through this week it will be a miracle. I have 3 (fucking 3!) business dinners, meetings all day every day, a backlog of contracts that really need to be addressed at some point (yeah, I’ll get right on that Boss), and a guy who’s ALREADY driving me nuts (serves me right for thinking I could trust my judgment after 4 hours of drinking – stop texting me dude!). So what am I doing right now? Catching up on all my work/composing a text that will make Stalker Guy go away for good? Nah, I’m passing judgment on…


You all knew it was coming. It seems my dirty little secret had a dirty little secret. As if I wasn’t embarrassed enough by my crush, he then had to go and make himself look like more of a jackass. Thanks sweetie.

I should probably clarify something here – I’m not embarrassed and horrified that Alex did steroids. Ignoring my slightly unusual obsession with A-Rod (shut up), I really do have my shit together regarding most things; I like to say I live in a little place called ‘reality.’ So after getting over my first reaction to the news, which was something along the lines of ‘Jesus Christ, ANOTHER one? Fucking Yankees!’ I quickly settled into my second reaction, which was ‘eh.’

Let me ask the baseball fans who visit this site something – were you surprised that A-Rod used steroids? Because I sure wasn’t. This is a dude who a) was playing during what we now refer to as the Steroid Era, and b) is known for being an insecure people-pleaser (and an inept one at that). Was there any chance he WASN’T using? Ah A-Rod, my little spastic mess.

Anyway now that a week has passed since the news broke, I can honestly say he’s handling himself…um, yeah, he’s handling himself poorly. Sorry, but it's true. The press conference on Tuesday was painful to watch. But overall my main concern is whether (or rather how much) this will affect him throughout the season. Much as I’d like to have the guy in my bed, I can honestly say I have no interest in dealing with his neuroses. So Alex, please for the love of God GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER! I need you to not fuck up this year – 2008 was painful enough for me; I like seeing my team actually win every once in a while, and you are a distraction we do not need. So step away from the microphone and get back on the field; I know you and your teammates have better ways to spend a Tuesday afternoon. Oh, and hire a new PR team – your current one sucks.

Now to take my lovely Alex’s place in my heart, I give you Frank Lampard. Ladies, he’s newly single, plays soccer (so great legs are guaranteed - seriously, look down), and is filthy rich – who wants to move to London with me?


Alex said...

Where have I heard that subject line before? Wait, don't answer that...

Honestly, I was a little bit surprised when I heard the news. My take was that he was so into what people thought of him that he wouldn't have used. I guess he was further down the Stupid Spectrum than I thought.

Redhead said...

Ah, there was your mistake - never underestimate a baseball player's stupidity. (And I'm sorry about the title - although I liked your reaction to it.)

Anonymous said...

The mind of a baseball player is a unique one as baseball is a game with failure at every turn. Seven failures spread around three hits will get you into the Hall of Fame. Giving up a run every three innings will get you close to the Cy Young Award. You get the point. In baseball, perfection can not be reached in the grand scheme of things.

Of course baseball players are going to try everything on this side of the sun to keep from failing. I did it, I know a lot of people who did it and I doubt there are very few players who didn't. Success feels good and failure hurts, of course a guy is going to lean the direction of keeping the failure from happening as much as they can. I can't fault A-Rod for using when I would do the same thing today.

Bruce Paine said...

If you cannot embrace failure you have lost your connection with your physicality and manhood. Fear of failure motivated the action, the desire for success was tertiary. That is the crime. Guys that juice are in possession of a fear of failure greater than their desire to win. People juicing know its wrong, regardless of whether or not everyone else is doing it. Because of that, any victory achieved cannot fulfill the sense of righteous success. At best, success on juice is a pyrrhic victory. It is like starting a fight with an old woman. If you win it is not really a win because she was old, frail, and far beneath you. If you lose, the loss is greater because you were so clearly advantageous.

The mind of a baseball player is indeed unique. The mind of person so afraid that they have cheated to succeed is not unique at all. It is the mind of a scared child, so out of touch with his own feeling of self-worth and virtuous constitution that he is driven to frail insecurity. I tire of hearing other excuses. Listening to people try to justify or rationalize the use of steroids is asinine. Steroids in baseball is like having a massive poop stain on your favorite pair of undies. I don't care how great those undies might be, they gotta go because they are full of shit.

Anonymous said...

People using steroids is no different than people taking an extra pill to ease the pain at the end of the day. Both are wrong but both still happen. People go to great lengths to make themselves feel better, whether they truly need it or not.

Bruce Paine said...

Horseshit. It is illegal and they a re doing it to be better than other people are at their jobs. At the end of my day I take a prescription muscle relaxer, and when I run out the doctors don't give me any more because the injury is over. These guys are illegally producing/importing a controlled substance, evidently distributing it as well, and abusing its use to make themselves "better". They abandoned their animus long ago. If I get busted for smoking weed and watching Stacy Peralta videos I have to accept the consequences of what I am doing. If I do that, at least I am not trying to cheat someone that isn't me. These guys are doing just that, and they are breaking the law seemingly without legal consequence, and you want me to believe they are just like me.

Its okay, though, I understand. It is hard to see things as they truly are, and not how you would have them be. People love to believe their own lies about themselves. That is a very human ideal. I used to think that the world operated in cause and effect, it was the promise our society had made me. I stayed in school. I just said no. I went to college and the world was supposed to be my oyster. There would be a job and a wife and two hassle-free kids at the end of the rainbow and as long as I didn't make the trouble the Land of Milk and Honey would keep me fat and happy. It takes a little more work than that. I don't inject anything to make any of it happen easier.

Monkey fucks who take steroids are nothing like me. They aren't half the man I am. They might be twice of something else, but they aren't half the man.

Redhead said...

I can't believe I'm going to wade into this one (especially after only one cup of coffee), but here goes...

Anon and Paine: I actually get both of your arguments. I understand what Paine is saying - cheating is cheating, illegal is illegal, and weak is weak. Of course all of that is true, but I also think it's unrealistic. People cheat, and they break the law, and they hurt other people. But circumstances always apply, every individual has a story, and in this case at least I'm not willing to make broad generalizations about the people involved - well, not all of them anyway. Barry Bonds is still an asshole.

I would take this opportunity to argue that as a baseball fan, while I'm sometimes frustrated by all the cheating that was taking place - and no, I wasn't aware of it at the time - I got over it pretty quickly. The records are tarnished and that pisses me off, but it happened, and I can't do anything about it. And in the grand scheme of my life, it doesn't matter; it doesn't truly 'hurt me.' So I accept that this was a part of my favorite sport, I sort of factor that in when thinking about the records, and I move on - it doesn't take away the enjoyment I've gotten out of watching and going to games over the years. It really doesn't.

As for saying the players were behaving like 'scared children,' well...okay. But honestly aren't we all scared children at one time or another? (I'd venture to say that's even been true for you at some point, right Paine?) We all screw up - some more than others - and we all do things we aren't proud of. Not admitting to your mistakes until you've been caught, well that's just human nature. My nephews do that and they're 2 and 3 years old. It may not make it right, but it does make it reality.

So I guess at the end of the day I support and appreciate Paine's more idealized argument, but I understand and accept Anon's more realistic one. The competitive nature in some people just wants to win, by any means necessary. And the conscience in other people stops them from doing so - everyone has a different moral compass; I learned long ago that what I want other people to do doesn't mean a goddamn thing. I can control myself and deal with other people and their actions as they come - that's real life. And I'm not such a paragon that I don't understand when other people make mistakes, premeditated or not.

Having said all that, when it comes to certain topics I, like Paine, tend to only see the black and white of it - no gray allowed - so I appreciate his vehemence here.

Damn, that was really serious for so early in the morning. I need more coffee.