Tuesday, March 17, 2009

If This Seems All Over the Place, It’s Because I’m All Over the Place

I finally saw He’s Just Not that Into You, and I can honestly say that piece of shit movie was one of the stupidest things I’ve ever sat through (and I just watched Fool’s Gold on HBO).

Christine and I went, both really excited to see a slightly exaggerated, funny take on dating today. What we got was a cringe-inducing 2 hours that in no way reflected ANY females I know. I turned to Christine as the credits rolled and said, ‘That had to have been written by a man. I don’t know any woman who would do any of those things.’

Christine’s response was simple – ‘I can’t believe I spent $12.50 on that; what a fucking rip-off.’ No shit.

I’m leaving for Italy this weekend. I’m going for work (just like last year), but unlike last year I’m not taking a vacation after. Oh no, that would be too relaxing. Instead I’m just going to keep running myself into the ground until eventually I collapse. (Please God, let me collapse soon – I think I’ve been running on fumes for the past 2 weeks.)

People, I’m stressed. I’m stressed about being out of the office next week, I’m stressed about 4th quarter (we’re preparing for it now – good timing to go out of the country for the week, right?), I’m stressed about my personal life (I’m dating a guy that I don’t really like, but I like how much he likes me – yes, I know how pathetic that sounds), I’m stressed about leaving my cat in the care of Christine while I’m gone (oh please, please, please let her – my cat, not Christine – be alive when I get back), and most of all, I’m stressed about the main thing that’s REALLY making me stressed…

I quit smoking. Or I’m in the process of doing so – cold turkey (I get off on asserting my willpower…normally…well, not right now). And it’s making me…restless. Uncomfortably so.

Honestly, I’ve tried to quit in the past, but I never really wanted to so I put in a half-assed effort every time (which never works). Now I really want to quit – I think…fuck! – and I’m finding it…AGH!

(A note to everyone who is sitting there thinking ‘Smoking is a stupid and disgusting habit, she shouldn’t have started to begin with and she deserves the discomfort she’s experiencing now.’ Um, 1) Fuck you, and 2) No shit, Sherlock.)

Anyway, everything seems to be boiling down to one solid fact: I CAN’T RELAX! At all. I am dead serious here people, I am INCAPABLE of relaxing right now, and it’s driving me insane.

Most people who know me describe me as some variation of the following group of adjectives: loyal, occasionally distant/cold, funny, sarcastic, and LAID BACK. I don’t get worked up by a lot, and people comment on that! All the time. But now…

I used to get up in the morning, pop open a Red Bull/drink a cup of coffee, and have a cigarette. I used to get home from work and relax with a cigarette. I used to have a cigarette while I was reading, or watching TV. You know…relaxing stuff. Only now every time I want to relax, I can’t have a cigarette…which means I can’t relax. I can’t watch TV. I can’t read. Every time I sit down I want a cigarette, so I haven’t been sitting down when I’m at home (I never smoked during the day at work, so that’s not really a problem). Instead I pace, and stare at the clock, watching the seconds tick by, until I finally have to leave and go for a walk.

I’m a nervous breakdown waiting to happen.

I’ve also been cleaning my apartment obsessively because (stop me if you’ve heard this already) I CAN’T SIT DOWN inside of it. You know what’s also hard to do when you can’t stop pacing while at home – that’s right, eating. Most people gain weight when they quit smoking, but not me…I’m too fucking high strung to eat right now. I also can’t stop jiggling my foot.

Yup, I was a ‘relaxing smoker’ it seems – I smoked to unwind, to relax, to KEEP MYSELF STILL. Now that I can’t, I CAN’T SLOW DOWN. And I’m stressing myself out with no end in sight.

So yeah, that’s what’s going on with me. What’s up with you? Anyone still here?


MCBias said...

I'm stressed too, and I have no excuse about quitting smoking. If you have to maniacally clean, then come by my office--this junkhole should keep you busy for weeks. Sigh.

One More Dying Quail said...

I feel your pain: I stopped drinking soda on January 20 and it hasn't always been easy. I've never felt so betrayed as the day I walked into my in-laws' house and saw my wife drinking a can of Mountain Dew.

Redhead said...

mcb: I'm giving myself another day before I'm caving and buying a pack of cigarettes - this is getting ridiculous.

OMDQ: Why would you give up drinking soda? It's not that bad for you...is it? Ah never mind, don't tell me - I can only handle giving up 1 thing right now, and it turns out I suck at it.

TK said...

I quit smoking 15 months ago. It's a bitch. But after a month or two, it gets noticeably easier. You're kind of a badass, so I'm certain that it's a bitch you can beat.

Redhead said...

You mean there's a light at the end of the tunnel? Promise? The main problem is smoking is part of my routine, and I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MYSELF NOW.

Wait, did you call me a badass (or at least kind of one)? I'm...flattered.

TK said...

Yes, there is light. And yes, I called you badass. Don't let it go to your friggin' head.

As for the first couple of months, I did a few things: toothpicks, gum, lollipops. I also stopped drinking booze for six weeks, and stopped hanging around my friends who smoked for that same six weeks. After than, I would go hang out for a couple hours. Now I can hang around a room full of smokers and be fine.

You'll get there.

Bruce Paine said...