-There is no greater food than Haagen Dazs ice cream – Coffee and Mayan Chocolate are my personal favorites. Coffee because…duh. And Mayan Chocolate because the only thing that can make dark chocolate ice cream better? Cinnamon. If I had to use one word to describe how good these flavors are: Orgasmic.
-I was on the subway the other day, and there was a tiny, kind of goofy looking middle-aged guy who was pissing me off. Why? Because he was just standing there, smiling and looking very pleased with himself – for no apparent reason. And this annoys me (what doesn’t?). So I found myself thinking thoughts like, ‘What could this weird looking little dude have to smile about? If I had to go through life looking like him, I sure as hell wouldn’t be grinning like a fool on a rush hour subway.’ You know, my typical nice thoughts. But then I looked down. And um…it became quite clear why he was just standing there smiling and looking proud of himself. It would seem that goofy guy was packing quite the impressive tool. I mean, he probably topped out at 5’3, he had little squinty eyes, he must have weighed 85 lbs. while soaking wet, and – from the looks of what I saw straining against his zipper – he had about 10 fat inches of…um …well, dick that he was carrying around. And you know what? After seeing that, I stopped resenting him. He earned his smug smile – even I was speechless.
-This is just my weekly obligatory ‘the Yankees are making me physically sick’ shout out. Now we won’t talk about it again until next week.
-Dunkin’ Donuts has a coconut iced coffee thing, and I’d just like to say I’m obsessed with it. Between me practically mainlining it every day, and my daily ritual of rubbing on coconut body butter after showering (smells so good and makes my skin oh so soft), I’m starting to smell like a piña colada.
-My friend Linda gave me a book last week and told me I’d love it. That was it, just ‘read this, I know you’ll love it.’ So I took it home to Jersey with me on Sunday, thinking it would be a good by-the-pool book (it looked very chick lit/romance-y). And I have to say, I was a little surprised by the content. Not the first 10 incredibly graphic sex scenes (those are just par for the course, right?), but it was the anal sex/spanking chapter that I found kind of unexpected. The fact that I was AT MY PARENTS’ HOUSE while reading it probably didn’t help. (Boy, they sure don’t make romances like they used to.) Still, Linda was right – it was a fun book. Pure trash.
-I can’t believe my friends are doing this to me. Again. You see, another one of my friends is getting married, and I’m going to be a bridesmaid. That part’s fine. What’s not fine is the dress. For the second time in the last 3 years, I am going to find myself stuck in a church without a bra on. (Seriously, unless ALL of your bridesmaids wear a B cup or smaller, it’s just cruel to choose the super low-cut design.) I believe the words ‘porn star’ were uttered more than once at the last wedding. On the bright side, I had zero trouble getting any action from the ridiculously hot but totally inappropriate groomsman. (And the best part – he was leaving on a jet plane the next day. Weddings are the best.)
-In honor of the fact that there’s every chance I’m going to cheat on NY Guy this weekend, here’s a list of the Top 5 famous guys I’d like to sleep with (this changes from week to week – I have a very short attention span):
1. Channing Tatum in the movie She’s the Man – it’s now playing on HBO, he spends half the movie with his shirt off, and I can honestly say that I want to do naughty, naughty things to his body.
2. Hugh Jackman – I don’t care about the rumors, I’d do him in a second. And those pictures of him on the beach that have been all over the Internet? Fuck. Yes.
3. Jake Gyllenhaal in Jarhead – yes, I’m watching too much HBO. Anyway, between the uniform he wears in the movie and his shirtless/ass scenes, I completely forgave him for those ridiculous sideburns from Brokeback Mountain. Good Fucking God.
4. George Clooney – cause he’s George Clooney. (Plus, the pictures of him from Cannes make him look good enough to eat. Yum.) Just don’t tell my sister he made my list – she called him years ago and I’m technically not allowed to look at him anymore.
5. Michael Vartan – thank God for Alias repeats. This guy just blows my mind – he’s literally so hot I can’t think straight. Why Jennifer Garner chose Ben Affleck over him is completely beyond me. What a moron.