Friday, May 11, 2007

This Might Take a While

Fuck me AND my super-long posts you say? Well just for that, here’s another epically long fucker. And feel free to thank onthevirg for it.

Kidding (only not about the long post – sorry). Actually, onthevirg had a point – why do I always comment on men’s rules and behaviors yet never give away any corresponding women’s info? If I’m going to write that much, shouldn’t I give some secrets away? Well yes, I should.

The easy answer for why I haven’t done this yet is it always seemed like a lot of work to come up with a list of things men should know about women – and I felt I needed to come up with the women's info myself (you know, being a woman and all). But once I decided to lift the women’s info too, things became a whole hell of a lot easier. (Bite me, I’m more opinionated than creative.)

By lifting the below info, I was also able to deal with another concern – not feeling comfortable speaking for all women. Honestly, I don’t know how women at large feel, I only know how my friends and I feel. But since this list wasn’t made up by me, I see it as you getting other viewpoints as well. Then, on top of that, you ALSO get my views (after I’ve consumed a very large scotch). Everybody wins!

So what you’ll see here are some choices from Maxim magazine’s 100 Things You Need to Know About Women (I didn’t even come close to using all 100, don’t worry – most of them sucked) and some other points I found around the Internet. So let’s get to it:

Things You Need to Know About Women

*Most women will not have sex for the first time with a guy unless their legs are shaved. If your date shows up and you spot stubble, she’s trying to keep herself in line.
Redhead: That is a good sign to look out for. But if she is shaved, that doesn’t mean you’re getting lucky. A lot of women will not shave/wax other places (that you can’t see) to keep themselves in line.

*No matter how much she reassures you, if you can’t get a hard-on she assumes you’re not attracted to her.
Redhead: Yeah, that’s just flat out true. Sorry guys.

*Never trust a girl who has no girlfriends. She doesn’t get along with other women because she’s either bat-shit crazy or just plain mean.
Redhead: Yup – although it’s important to note this is different than simply having more male friends than female ones. Generally speaking, some women simply prefer less drama (and guys are less drama).

*Girls who say, “I love sports!” are lying. Girls who ask you what time the game is on, without specifying which game they’re talking about, are not.
Redhead: Good rule of thumb – girls lie about this all the time!

*“If I give you my number on Friday, Tuesday and Wednesday are your best bets to score a date. Monday is too desperate, Thursday is too late.”—Claire, 27
Redhead: No, no, no, I totally disagree. I hate these fucking games. Clearly you don’t want to creep me out and call the night of (a la Swingers), but a next day call is nice – it shows you can’t help himself. Waiting until Wednesday when we met the previous Friday? I’m won’t even remember you at that point.

*Women always want to believe what you’re saying is true.
Redhead: We WANT to believe it. We don’t actually believe it.

*Never trust the woman who gives you the best blow job you’ve ever had.
Redhead: Yeah, we had to learn somewhere. Get a woman to tell you about her first blowjob – I guarantee it wasn’t her finest moment.

*The average woman kisses 79 men before getting married.
Redhead: That’s it? Kidding.

*“Girls who buy their men lap dances and pretend to enjoy it are kidding themselves. They’re trying to keep him happy with some controlled freedom.”—Suzy, 31
Redhead: I allow strip clubs but personally draw the line at lap dances – you don’t get to touch or be touched by anyone else if you’re with me. But if you’re woman is buying them for you, be happy and don’t do anything stupid (the leash can always be tightened).

*Over the course of her life, a woman will use 10 men for every one she loves. If you lent her your car or helped her move and didn't get laid, you're one of the 10.
Redhead: Wow. Yeah.

*Unless they’re lesbians, she won’t approve of your hanging out with other girls. Even if they’re ugly. And, really, even if they’re lesbians.
Redhead: Yeah – sorry.

*If you have something to hide, she’ll find it.
Redhead: Without question. Even if we don’t want to find it, we will.

*Kiss her before two dates have gone by or you’ll be “friended.”
Redhead: If you kiss on the first date, there’s real chemistry. If you don’t get the kiss in by the end of the second date, you’re lucky to even become my friend.

*Women can't live without tension. Every once in a while she's gonna pick a fight with you for no reason. Accept this as a running, inevitable theme and your relationship will make a lot more sense.
Redhead: I actually believe this is a comfort thing. Think about it – do you fight with someone you’re not comfortable with? Exactly. Just so long as neither of you goes for the low blow during the fights, it’s all healthy.

*An online dating service’s survey found that a woman’s ideal man has brown hair and blue eyes.
Redhead: Huh. Mine would have blonde hair. But I wouldn’t kick a brunette out of bed just because of his hair color. The lesson here: every woman is different and this point doesn’t mean shit. I just left it on because I found it interesting.

*Women often cite manhandling of breasts as the biggest foreplay faux pas.
Redhead: Most men have no idea what they’re doing in bed. Pay attention – if a woman is making happy noises and not trying to distract you into moving on, you’re probably doing something right.

*“When I’m drunk, I can’t come. Not even with a vibrator.”—Lauren, 35
Redhead: While this isn’t personally true with me, the point is good: Sometimes it’s just not going to happen for the woman. Get over it.

*If they're going to do it, most wives cheat between the ages of 18 and 29.
Redhead: OK. Well, this doesn’t apply to me so I have no comment (but you have to admit some of these statistics are really interesting).

*A woman might say she just wants sex, but sleep with her for a while and she’ll change her tune. “I’ve known so many women who think they can pull this off, but they always develop feelings for the guy.” – Evie, 22
Redhead: This may be true. If you don’t want emotions to be a part of it, keep it a one night stand.

*Don’t call her “cute.” In her mind it’s the same as “not vomit-inducing.” “Sexy,” OK. “Hot,” yes. “Fucking awesome,” only if she’s at least slightly buzzed.
Redhead: Seriously, get your compliments right.

*Women want to talk dirty, but they’re afraid you won’t respect them in the morning. Reassure her that letting go in bed doesn’t make her less classy and she’ll probably go wild. Jäger helps.
Redhead: We like dirty talk just as much as you guys do. Trust me.

*A psycho jealous girl will do anything to keep her man—including anal.
Redhead: I don’t know if this point is backed up by any statistics, but it cracked me up to read it.

*“At one point or another, I’ve gone through your things looking for any evidence from past relationships. I’m talking photographs, postcards, mementos, address books, diaries. If you don’t like it, get rid of this stuff before letting me in your apartment. It’s not about trust; it’s about curiosity, and it drives us crazy till it’s been satiated.”—Caroline, 28
Redhead: I have actually NEVER done this. But every other woman I know has. FYI.

*Got a new girl coming over? Your (tidy) bathroom should include clean linen, a box of Puffs Plus, and several full rolls of TP.
Redhead: I’ll narrow this down to just make sure you have toilet paper.

*“Don’t caress our faces while we’re kissing, unless you really, really, really like us.”—Rachel, 21
Redhead: Yeah…yeah.

*On a first date, women never order what they really want to eat.
Redhead: Because believe it or not, we like the same foods you do.

*Put down the Drakkar and grab a box of Good & Plenty. Women are turned on by the scent of black licorice.
Redhead: I’m not. And some colognes definitely turn me on – just don’t wear too much guys.

*At least one of her friends wants to sleep with you.
Redhead: Um, that actually might be true. But she won’t act on it, so don’t even think about it. (It’s all about competition anyway – not you.)

*If you want more sex, tell your girl an attractive woman hit on you that day. Sixty percent of the time, it works every time.
Redhead: Again, competition does work, just don’t try this one all the time or she’ll stop trusting you.

*Any good woman will tell ya, honesty is not always the best policy.
Redhead: Seriously. If you’re telling her something that will hurt her to relieve your guilt (or whatever you may be feeling), that’s cruel. Be a man and deal with it internally.

*Girls don’t want to date doormats. So make her proud and refuse to give up bowling night with the guys.
Redhead: Don’t let us push you around, but giving in occasionally is not a bad thing.

*A good but flawed man is a fixer-upper gem, and women love nothing more than home improvements.
Redhead: Yup. We’re stupid.

*Every woman is self-conscious about her ass. Tell her you love her ass and you’ll see it more often.
Redhead: This is all about confidence, and every woman is lacking in confidence (even the ones who are generally OK with themselves). The more uninhibited you can make her, the better.

*More than half of surveyed females between 18 and 25 would prefer to be run over by a truck than be fat.
Redhead: That’s scary…and probably true. Again, your woman feeling confident is good for you.

*Chicks aren’t afraid to get kinky; you just have to have the nerve to ask.
Redhead: Yup.

*“Women appreciate a big penis, but having one doesn’t give you an excuse to suck at foreplay.”—Elena, 28
Redhead: There’s no excuse to suck at foreplay. And every woman I know thinks there is such a thing as a penis that’s too big. So can we stop talking about it?

*She likes one of your friends.
Redhead: Um…fuck. You weren’t supposed to know that.

*Rub a sheet of medium-grade sandpaper across your face. That’s your five o’clock shadow when you kiss her. Now rub that sandpaper on your inner thigh. (Mind you, we’re not suggesting you shave.)
Redhead: I don’t mind the five o’clock shadow. At all. I really don’t.

*Buying a present for your girl? She’ll hate it (and you) if she finds out you took along another woman to help pick it out.
Redhead: Yeah, just keep that to yourself.

*You'll probably never know how many guys she's slept with. The standard lie is five. Which really means about 12.
Redhead: Don’t ask the fucking question if you don’t want us to lie!

*Sometimes when we say “we’re fine” or “nothing’s wrong” we’re telling the truth.
Redhead: So let it drop. Trust me, we’ll let you know if something really is wrong or we’re not fine.

*There are no hard and fast rules for women.
Redhead: Exactly.

6 comments:

TK said...

Well fuck, that cleared things up. Only not really. But sorta kinda?

*Every woman is self-conscious about her ass. Tell her you love her ass and you’ll see it more often. This is absolutely true. My girl was once very self-conscious, but since I can't shut up about it (or keep my hands off it) - well. I'd say that helped things.

Overshare?

Redhead said...

I'm a woman, I don't believe in overshare.

Anything I can clear up for you, tk? Any female mysteries that need answering? (Even though we've established there are no real answers.)

onthevirg said...

Ghezus my head hurts now. I'll have to ask some questions/make some comments when I have a minute (or 15).

onthevirg said...

OK, so I'm a bit drunk and finally getting to respond here. That means nothing right? Besides the fact I had to type this like 25 times to get decent spelling. And sure Red, blame me for the long post.

- *Girls who say, “I love sports!” are lying.”
We already know this, we just generally never admit to it in the hopes that one time one of you is telling the truth.

- *“If I give you my number on Friday, Tuesday and Wednesday are your best bets to score a date. Monday is too desperate, Thursday is too late.”—Claire, 27
If you don't have the balls to call whenever you feel it's appropriate...you lose pussy.

- *Women always want to believe what you’re saying is true.
You think guys are different? Please.

-*Never trust the woman who gives you the best blow job you’ve ever had.
You think I give a shit? If you're giving me the best pole-smoking I ever had, you're golden.

- *The average woman kisses 79 men before getting married.
Soooo...what do you think the average guy went through?

- *“Girls who buy their men lap dances and pretend to enjoy it are kidding themselves. They’re trying to keep him happy with some controlled freedom.”—Suzy, 31
Ummmm...Duh

- *Unless they’re lesbians, she won’t approve of your hanging out with other girls. Even if they’re ugly. And, really, even if they’re lesbians.
Actually got that speech this very day.

- *If you have something to hide, she’ll find it.
Again...Duh.

- Kiss her before two dates have gone by or you’ll be “friended.”
So we're supposed to try and force it no matter what?

- *Women can't live without tension. Every once in a while she's gonna pick a fight with you for no reason. Accept this as a running, inevitable theme and your relationship will make a lot more sense.
Uhhhh...chicks suck.

- *Women often cite manhandling of breasts as the biggest foreplay faux pas.
If you can't show some skill you deserve to go home and whack it in the shower or a sock. Not that I'd know what that's like.

-
*“At one point or another, I’ve gone through your things looking for any evidence from past relationships. I’m talking photographs, [...]

Holy shit, women are scary.

- *Got a new girl coming over? Your (tidy) bathroom should include clean linen, a box of Puffs Plus, and several full rolls of TP.
PMFP...if you don't at least have TP you deserve to be beating into your sock.

-
*“Don’t caress our faces while we’re kissing, unless you really, really, really like us.”—Rachel, 21

What the fuck?!?

- *Put down the Drakkar and grab a box of Good & Plenty. Women are turned on by the scent of black licorice.
I've had several women tell me they're turned on by the smell of a guy working out in the yard during the day, so you just never know.

-
*At least one of her friends wants to sleep with you.
Redhead: Um, that actually might be true. But she won’t act on it, so don’t even think about it. (It’s all about competition anyway – not you.)

So that means a threesome is out??

- *If you want more sex, tell your girl an attractive woman hit on you that day. Sixty percent of the time, it works every time.
Sure...try that. You fucking idiot.

-
*A good but flawed man is a fixer-upper gem, and women love nothing more than home improvements.

Pffffffffffft

- *“Women appreciate a big penis, but having one doesn’t give you an excuse to suck at foreplay.”—Elena, 28
I feel much better about my three inches of punishment.

-
*She likes one of your friends.

Whore. So it's ok for you but not for us?

- *Buying a present for your girl? She’ll hate it (and you) if she finds out you took along another woman to help pick it out.
Oh shit...my shopping will never be the same.

- *You'll probably never know how many guys she's slept with. The standard lie is five. Which really means about 12.
Ditto...so you knock it the fuck off too.

-
*There are no hard and fast rules for women.

Head...explodes.

Redhead said...

Good God onthevirg! OK, now that I have some coffee in me I can handle this:

-Your comment about the woman-who-gives-the-best-blow-job is typical. It's what every guy says until he develops feelings for the girl. Then he always starts to wonder.

-If you have to force the issue to get a kiss in during the first two dates, it's not meant to be anyway. A good date has many moments that could turn into kisses. If you're not finding any, someone (the girl probably) is trying to avoid them - in which case she's not that into you anyway.

-What does PMFP mean?

-The 'don't caress our faces when we're kissing unless you mean it' thing refers to intimacy. For a woman, when a guy caresses her face it's not only a huge turn-on, but it's also a very affectionate gesture. If you do it when you don't really care about the girl, it can be taken as leading her on. In other words - stop fucking with her head.

-You don't actually want a threesome unless you want to end you relationship - because it will end/fuck up your relationship. But if you think it's worth the risk, make the most of it.

-We know you've thought about our friends - and now you know we've thought about yours. Now be smart and NEVER talk about it. It's like the shopping for your woman with another woman thing - you can do it, just don't be stupid enough to tell your girl after. We're territorial.

-I told you there were no hard and fast rules for women in my introduction. Stop being such a baby.

onthevirg said...

Yeah. Sorry about that. Drinking + commenting = ridiculous rambling.

- RE: blowjobs. Maybe I'm just atypical. I could care less where she learned it at.

- PMFP = pissin my effin pants

- The face caress thing makes much more sense now that you've explained it.