I went to check my Yahoo! email account last night, and somehow I got waylaid by the main page article – the title of which I now can’t remember. Huh… Oh well, anyway so I clicked on the article, and at some point while I was reading it I got bored and clicked on another link that had something to do with…something. (Note: Yes, this introduction is vague – shut up, I’m sleepy.) And that’s when/how I ended up at this article – 50 Things Men Wish You Knew. It was mildly interesting, and there were even a few things (12 to be specific) that I wanted to comment/ask questions about. Everything else was either obvious (yes, men like to drive – we get it), or had been covered by me in the past (are there women out there REALLY asking their boyfriends for fashion advice?). So yeah, what you’ll find below are the points that I wanted to talk about. For those of you who might be confused about the format of the post, a) get help, you’re stupid, and b) here are the instructions: First I listed a point from the article, then I commented on it. The end.
God, I need to go back to bed. Enjoy:
-Never say, “I know you better than you know yourself.” Nobody does.
Redhead: Yeah, I’ve actually had people say that to me too, and it really does piss me off. Shut the fuck up people – I’m complicated! I’m also constantly surprising myself with the things I think and say, so how someone else could possibly have seen it coming when I didn't is a mystery; oh, and it's bullshit. Fuckers.
-Do not expect to have a conversation via text message unless you use the words “naked” and “waiting.”
Redhead: I HATE text messaging – I’ve actually started boycotting it. I don’t respond to my friends’ texts anymore, and I’ve taken to actively mocking them if and when they try to text other people when out with me. The chances that I’ll have no friends left in a few more months are pretty good, but the chances that I’ll be 80% less annoyed at that point are even better – so I’m psyched.
-You can pick the movie, but have a reason.
Redhead: Is ‘because I want to see it’ a good reason?
-A random unexpected grope is always welcome, even in public. Especially in public.
Redhead: What kind of grope are we talking here? An ass grope or can I get away with a full-on crotch grab?
-Being good in bed means a) enthusiasm; b) a sense of humor; and sometimes c) patience.
Redhead: Wait, I have to be patient or the guy has to be patient? This isn’t clear!
-We love ponytails.
Redhead: Huh? But…why?
-Don’t be afraid to ditch the makeup. Natural is sexier.
Redhead: No, natural makeup is sexier. No makeup only looks good on someone if you already like them a lot/care about them. On a complete stranger – trust me, makeup is better. Just trust me on this one.
-Leave the eyebrows alone. Plucked ain’t pretty.
Redhead: Once again I’m going to have to disagree. I mean sure, I think everyone can agree that the creepy skinny drawn-on eyebrow look is…well, creepy. But have you ever seen a woman who has done NOTHING with her eyebrows? Yeah, pair that with no makeup and then see how often the woman gets hit on. Men have no idea what kind of upkeep an attractive woman actually requires.
-You can have sex with us any time you want. Seriously.
Redhead: Hee hee, this is my favorite fact about men. Damn they’re easy.
-You’re really bad at faking it.
Redhead: Yeah, I don’t think that’s true. I mean I’ve never been called on it before, and that really seems like the sort of thing that a guy (at least the type who would realize when he’s being had) would bring up afterwards. If nothing else he would do this to prove he’s not completely clueless in bed. Am I wrong here?
-Bare, tan shoulders are underrated.
Redhead: Huh…okay. Good to know.
-If you’re truly interested in us, don’t play hard to get.
Redhead: Yeah, instead play no games, call the guy back immediately after he calls, never say no when he suggests going out (even when he calls an hour before he wants to do something – oh, and he hasn’t called in days), and always tell him exactly what you’re thinking, no matter how much he may not want to hear it. Outstanding advice – why don’t you try that and then give me a call to tell me how it works out. Mmmkay?