Thursday, September 27, 2007

Men, Women, Whatnot

I went to check my Yahoo! email account last night, and somehow I got waylaid by the main page article – the title of which I now can’t remember. Huh… Oh well, anyway so I clicked on the article, and at some point while I was reading it I got bored and clicked on another link that had something to do with…something. (Note: Yes, this introduction is vague – shut up, I’m sleepy.) And that’s when/how I ended up at this article – 50 Things Men Wish You Knew. It was mildly interesting, and there were even a few things (12 to be specific) that I wanted to comment/ask questions about. Everything else was either obvious (yes, men like to drive – we get it), or had been covered by me in the past (are there women out there REALLY asking their boyfriends for fashion advice?). So yeah, what you’ll find below are the points that I wanted to talk about. For those of you who might be confused about the format of the post, a) get help, you’re stupid, and b) here are the instructions: First I listed a point from the article, then I commented on it. The end.

God, I need to go back to bed. Enjoy:

-Never say, “I know you better than you know yourself.” Nobody does.
Redhead: Yeah, I’ve actually had people say that to me too, and it really does piss me off. Shut the fuck up people – I’m complicated! I’m also constantly surprising myself with the things I think and say, so how someone else could possibly have seen it coming when I didn't is a mystery; oh, and it's bullshit. Fuckers.

-Do not expect to have a conversation via text message unless you use the words “naked” and “waiting.”
Redhead: I HATE text messaging – I’ve actually started boycotting it. I don’t respond to my friends’ texts anymore, and I’ve taken to actively mocking them if and when they try to text other people when out with me. The chances that I’ll have no friends left in a few more months are pretty good, but the chances that I’ll be 80% less annoyed at that point are even better – so I’m psyched.

-You can pick the movie, but have a reason.
Redhead: Is ‘because I want to see it’ a good reason?

-A random unexpected grope is always welcome, even in public. Especially in public.
Redhead: What kind of grope are we talking here? An ass grope or can I get away with a full-on crotch grab?

-Being good in bed means a) enthusiasm; b) a sense of humor; and sometimes c) patience.
Redhead: Wait, I have to be patient or the guy has to be patient? This isn’t clear!

-We love ponytails.
Redhead: Huh? But…why?

-Don’t be afraid to ditch the makeup. Natural is sexier.
Redhead: No, natural makeup is sexier. No makeup only looks good on someone if you already like them a lot/care about them. On a complete stranger – trust me, makeup is better. Just trust me on this one.

-Leave the eyebrows alone. Plucked ain’t pretty.
Redhead: Once again I’m going to have to disagree. I mean sure, I think everyone can agree that the creepy skinny drawn-on eyebrow look is…well, creepy. But have you ever seen a woman who has done NOTHING with her eyebrows? Yeah, pair that with no makeup and then see how often the woman gets hit on. Men have no idea what kind of upkeep an attractive woman actually requires.

-You can have sex with us any time you want. Seriously.
Redhead: Hee hee, this is my favorite fact about men. Damn they’re easy.

-You’re really bad at faking it.
Redhead: Yeah, I don’t think that’s true. I mean I’ve never been called on it before, and that really seems like the sort of thing that a guy (at least the type who would realize when he’s being had) would bring up afterwards. If nothing else he would do this to prove he’s not completely clueless in bed. Am I wrong here?

-Bare, tan shoulders are underrated.
Redhead: Huh…okay. Good to know.

-If you’re truly interested in us, don’t play hard to get.
Redhead: Yeah, instead play no games, call the guy back immediately after he calls, never say no when he suggests going out (even when he calls an hour before he wants to do something – oh, and he hasn’t called in days), and always tell him exactly what you’re thinking, no matter how much he may not want to hear it. Outstanding advice – why don’t you try that and then give me a call to tell me how it works out. Mmmkay?


TK said...

Jesus. I hate these lists, mainly because of the implication that all men are the same, and all women are the same. AND, of course we all want the same things in our significant others. What a waste of time. I mean, they're fun to read and all, but I'm horrified at the thought that someone will actually use this as some sort of guideline.

I mean - eyebrows. Seriously. Unless it's a unibrow, I could give a fuck. I mean it. Same with makeup - girls with the right complexion look great without it, but subtly applied makeup is nice too.

NEWSFLASH: people have different tastes.

Oh, and just to avoid the argument - none of these comments was directed at you, Red.

Jack Cobra said...

I agree with TK. Still, I feel compelled to give my opinion because I have 10 minutes to kill....

-If you’re truly interested in us, don’t play hard to get.

Don't make it too easy. I get bored easily.

-Bare, tan shoulders are underrated.

I'm not even sure what this means.

-You’re really bad at faking it.

Any guy who has given a woman multiple orgasms knows when you are faking.

-You can have sex with us any time you want. Seriously.

Not true. I will not have sex with you if a close family member has just died and we are at their funeral.

-Leave the eyebrows alone. Plucked ain’t pretty.

Again, who cares?

-Don’t be afraid to ditch the makeup. Natural is sexier.

This is true on some women, but not all women. My lady can pull off the 'no makeup', but most can't.

-We love ponytails

Only if it's hanging outside the back of a baseball cap.

-Being good in bed means a) enthusiasm; b) a sense of humor; and sometimes c) patience.

Jesus Christ, there isn't enough space here for me to explain this one.

-A random unexpected grope is always welcome, even in public. Especially in public.

Agreed. Thank you very much.

-You can pick the movie, but have a reason.

This may be the most retarded thing on the list. I want action/adventure, you want romantic comedy...which do you think we are getting. Just pick a good one, please.

-Do not expect to have a conversation via text message unless you use the words “naked” and “waiting.”

Not true. I like to have arguments though txt messaging sometimes. Although, my gf doesn't have texting on her phone now so we have to do it the old fashioned way.

-Never say, “I know you better than you know yourself.” Nobody does.

If a woman truly knew everything about a man...there would be no need for the man.

rs27 said...

I don't care if women fake orgasms because it means I'm having sex


ThirtySomething Kat said...

Ummm...yeah. No make-up/unplucked eyebrows. I'm slapping my knees laughing. Men are so stupdid they really don't have a clue what that would mean if the majority of women actually walked around like that. I agree with you - NATURAL looking make-up is cool - and most likely that's what they mean without even knowing it anyway. I'm all about the whole less is more thing...but I'm also realistic.

And I disagree with the 'no games' paragraph. I never play games. I don't know how to play games. That is rarely appreciated by men. RARELY. They either take total advantage of the vulnerability OR they think you're too clingy or nuts and run in the opposite direction. The guy who wrote this article is way off on this one.

onthevirg said...

Wwwhhhaaaaaattt?! Women fake it? I'm just...shocked. Shocked I tell you!

And if that asshat thinks that all women look better without makeup, he's a moron.

I'm an admitted ponytail/pigtails fan though, so I'm with him there.

And Red, I think TK's lying. I bet he was totally talking about you and trying to make you feel bad. I mean, doesn't that sound like something a Red Sox fan would do?

Redhead said...

tk: I'm glad you got that out of your system. Feel better?

jack: I stopped reading after the multiple orgasm line - either you're a huge stud or you're full of shit. Hmmm, which do I think is the case...?

rs27: Way to look on the bright side!

thirtysomething kat: I'm with you - games are necessary. Do I like playing them? Well, sometimes yes, but not always. Yet I always play them - I'm fucking single, I have no choice. Still, I tell guys I don't (but that's just because I'm a liar).

onthevirg: Are you bored and just trying to start a fight by any chance? Mind you I'm not judging, I'm just curious. (Oh, and an adult female in pigtales? Dude, you have the worst taste.)

MCBias said...

TK, good point that men/women are not all the same. This feels like such a waste of time, but here you go. Now I'm talking about my opinions on the male race, not just my thoughts, FYI.

Natural is better sometimes, because
(1) It makes women more approachable, instead of emphasizing the differences between the sexes in face (i.e. lips, eyelashes, cheeks)
(2) Men can now fantasize about how much better you'd hypothetically look fixed up.
(3) Makes you look less insecure (some women do not know how to put makeup on, and slather on too much or wrong type; yes, we judge those who do this). Sending out "I have low self-esteem" signals is usually sub-optimal.
(4) Can send a "I'm low-maintenance" message to guys, even if you aren't and like $180 jeans. (Sorry, being a Midwestern boy I'm still in shock about that number. Apologies.)

Otherwise, yes, women can know men better than they know themselves. Why not? Some people can't analyze themselves. We just hate to admit it that sometimes someone else can read us that well. I've always found the "You don't know me" line to be junk, the last defense of someone who's been defeated on every other playing field.

Also, games are an important part of life. The question is, what type of game? Play honest games that have understandable rules, rewards, and penalties with perhaps a touch of uncertainty/inconsistency, and only with people willing/able to play back, and I think it's ok.

onthevirg said...

Red, that just hurts. Do I seem like the kind of person who would stir up shit?

My shitty taste has been well established by now me thinks.

Danny from Milwaukee said...

Yeah, I'm a big fan of bare shoulders. And ponytails. I also dig chicks in baseball hats for some reason. But only at baseball games. Another thing that guys want you to know is that you're totally crazy. All of you. It's not a bad crazy. Just crazy.

Redhead said...

mcbias: Yeah, I still think you're talking about natural makeup and not au natural - you've got to trust me here dude, it's just not a good look for most women. Sure if you already know and like her it may be attractive, but not under any other circumstances. No makeup is as bad as too much makeup.

onthevirg: You're such a trouble maker.

danny: Well I can't argue the crazy thing - everyone here knows I'm batshit nuts...but I'm damn cute about it. Here's a question about the shoulders: Is bare and pale okay, or do they have to be bare and tan? I just realized that I can't pull off that requirement no matter what (I'm a redhead, I don't do tan), but I do have really nice shoulders, so...

Diarrhea of the Mouth said...

men aren't easy,i have been trying to get sex forever!

MCBias said...

Redhead, on second thought, you're right that natural makeup does get rid of my 4 points as to why no make-up may be more desirable. There is only one reason why I can think of that no make-up beats natural make-up. Sometimes imperfections are more attractive to guys than you would think. Some ladies seem to believe that any freckles, birthmark, or scar is a disaster and should be covered up. But to a certain extent, those marks can be attractive; they can help a lady stand out and be more memorable. But otherwise, yeah, I concede, you're right.

Jez said...

For me, bare shoulders, whether they are tan or not, are nice. Bare backs = even nicer. Naked women = TOP SCORE!

Ponytails are cool for a change, but I don't really get what this homer is getting at. Exposes the neck that you wouldn't normally see.

If you gotta fake an orgasm with me, why bother? You can either teach me how to do it better or get rid of me. If there's no effort on your part to improve it, then fuck it, you get the four-stroke.

TK said...


Anyone here? Damn, it's getting dusty up in this bitch.

That's it, I'm taking you off my Google Reader list.

Valley Girl said...

OMG that happens to me all the time, too!!! Whoever writes those headlines is pretty talented if you ask me. I always manage to get distracted from my work for at least 5 minutes, minimum.

These lists are so full of shit, though. One day, I'm going to write my own list.