Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Thoughts, Issues, General Awesomeness

-So my assistant gets all angry this morning (on my behalf) because some publisher sends her an email essentially saying he wants to have a meeting with me just so he can tell me off. (I never like any of the books he sends me so I have her return all of them with our standard rejection letter.) My comment to her about this: ‘You know what, schedule the meeting. I’m in the mood for a good fight.’ My assistant then tells me I’m cool.

Then this afternoon my assistant mentions to me that the guy downstairs (who cuts all our POs and is admittedly a stud – at least in the looks department) has a huge crush on me. My response to that: ‘Yeah, I know.’ At that point she tells me I’m awesome.

Clearly my assistant is easily impressed. Still, I’ll admit to enjoying the fact that she thinks I’m a rock star.

-Why the fuck is Daylight Savings Time starting so early nowadays? I feel like I’m getting up in the middle of the night. This shit has got to stop.

-I saw The Bank Job with Jason Statham this weekend (somehow I managed to talk Christine out of seeing The Other Boleyn Girl – thank God), and I have to say…pretty damn good. Oh, and Jason Statham is too, too sexy. I want to lick him all over. (Overshare?)

-Christine and I decided to go out for brunch before the movie on Saturday. Now for those of you who don’t live in NY, it was raining like a motherfucker (is that even a saying?) on Saturday. And the place I chose for brunch had, well, closed at some point between the last time I’d been there and this past weekend. (I have a weird knack for choosing places that are no longer open – it’s a gift.) So anyway, needless to say we ended up having to find another place to obtain sustenance. So we started walking, and at some point I decided to just walk through a shallow puddle rather than going around it (hell I was soaked anyway, and my jeans were so weighed down I didn’t want to have to do ‘the leap’ either), so…yeah, let’s just say I misjudged the…um, HEFT of the puddle. In reward for my laziness I got an impromptu NYC street bath at the corner of 88th and 3rd.

I guess you can imagine the shape I was in when we finally arrived at our brunch restaurant of choice. Long story short I decided to self-medicate against the cold and my soaking wet clothes by drinking WAY too much alcohol (at least for noon on a Saturday), and because of this I arrived at the movie completely blasted. So for everyone who was at the 2pm showing of The Bank Job on the Upper East Side last weekend – sorry I yelled out ‘Shit, I have to pee!’ halfway through the movie before standing up and stumbling past a row of people and out of the theater. And…um…sorry I wasn’t any quieter when I came back. 3 mimosas and 2 bloody marys so early in the day was – in retrospect – a poor idea.

-The pipes in my kitchen are making this weird sound…kind of like a truck starting. Should I be worried? Do I have to clean my apartment before calling my super to come take a look? What are the odds that I get around to fixing this in the next month?

-The guy standing next to me on the train this morning smelled amazing. I thought I was being nonchalant about the fact that I was…um…essentially sniffing a stranger on the subway (shut up – don’t judge me). I learned that I was wrong when he turned and gave me a look that said quite clearly, ‘What the fuck are you doing, Crazy Woman?’ Have you ever seen a redhead blush? I mean REALLY blush? I looked like I was on fire.

-I rolled over the other night and almost killed my cat (and FYI, have you ever head a cat screech? Damn). I feel bad about that. Just thought I’d share.

-Did I ever tell you guys about the time I was doing Tae Bo (back when the videos came out), and I punched myself in the face? Yeah, nothing says ‘I exercise’ like a black eye.

-So Christine just called me to discuss this whole Eliot Spitzer debacle. Know what lesson we seem to have learned from this whole thing? We should have become high priced prostitutes. No, seriously – Christine (an Ivy League educated MBA grad) and I both commented on how much these chicks can make in an hour, and we decided we were wasting our lives in real jobs. Turns out every woman does have her price, and $1500 an hour seems to be ours.

And on that note – what’s going on with you guys? Still pissed I’m not posting enough? Is anyone still reading this damn thing?


Boo said...

HAA! Just last night, I asked my husband whether it is possible to punch yourself hard enough to knock yourself unconscious, and he said yes. And then gave me a look that said, "Trust me, I know."

Also, Tae Bo was the shit. Did you see Billy Blank's son has this wretched-looking dance workout video? Gah.

I, at least, am glad you are posting. But I'm a loser.

GiveEmHellHarry said...

1. Ballsy women are always awesome.
2. There is nothing better than some day drinking when you have nothing else to do.
3. There may be a lose pipe rattling inside your walls. And as long you hide your unmentionables (and massive porn stash) you shouldn't need to clean before the super shows up.
4. Careful before you become known as that crazy redhead on the three train that smells people.
5. Please post more. I need to read the only blogger who is consistently more angry than me more often.

Anonymous said...

I am still reading. I just want more posts, more awesomeness.
Great site btw.

onthevirg said...

- Just what you need, someone to make your head get even larger.

- Daylight savings time is awesome, means late nights BBQ'ing and riding my bike and still having light, when I'm not balls deep in school work.

- RE: teh boozing, I can not judge (cause as you will be able to tell from the length of this, I'm drunk now). Hell, I crack a beer when I'm done mowing the yard @ 11:30. Though if I was in that theater, I would have wanted to punch you in the uterus.

- Pipes = what Harry said. If you were a guy, we could make the "getting your pipe cleaned," joke.

- You are a freak. And on that cats, check my blog. I've done much worse to cats lately.

- Hah! Punching yourself in the face. Awesome.

- So what's it going to cost for boob pics then? (See, some of us are still trying...yours or Christine's...whatever).

- As you can see, still reading. Though now my only goal is to outpost you, and put up better stories. Which, admittedly, shouldn't be hard judging by your current output.

Anonymous said...

Re: $1,500 an hour.

That reminds me of this joke. A man walks up to a woman and says, "Would you have sex with me for a million dollars?"

The woman says, "Yes!"

He says, "How about for $100?"

She slaps him and says, "Do you think I'm a hooker?"

He replies, "We already established that, I'm just haggling!"

Redhead said...

boo: Hmmmm, I'm getting the feeling you're one of those people who insults people all the time, but somehow manages to sound nice while doing it. You're dangerous boo, very dangerous.

harry: Good point - if I'm having company I really should take the vibrator OFF the nightstand and put it in a drawer. Oh, and I'm NOT angry. I'm easily annoyed, which is not the same as angry. Angry is too much of a serious emotion, and I try to avoid serious emotions.

anon: Damn right - it's about time someone noticed! Are the rest of you paying attention?

virg: Dude, you and your drunk posts (I remember one time you wrote me the equivalent of a book...and then apologized for it). Oh, and did you just MOCK my blog? The man who is afraid of a CAT? Tell me virg, when was the last time someone said, 'Great site' to you? Exactly.

anon: Hey, I've got nothing against prostitution (oldest profession and all that), but Christine and I are not stupid women; we know the difference between a hooker and a high priced prostitute (as - apparently - does the woman in your story). The difference is money, lots and lots of money.

Plus, most of us work in jobs that make us feel like we're getting fucked all day long anyway - 1500 an hour would at least make it more palatable.

mcbias said...

$1500/hr for your time? That's it?! Are there discounts for frequent commenters? Will Christine also explain to me how to do grad-level accounting? I'm still confused on balance sheets...Err, I mean, that's disgusting! Terrible!

As a guy, I often forget that women care about scent--that story is actually a good reminder.

Redhead said...

$1500 for 60 minutes of my time (no discounts for any reason, I'm not cheap) - why, do you think I'm underselling myself?

MCBias said...

Of course you're selling yourself short, although I have no experience in the pricing of call girls, ha, I assure you. I'm rather saddened that your price sounded somewhat affordable and reasonable for a good 10 seconds--quick, say $5000 or $10000/hr, ok?

And I'm pleased to see that your friend is back and that you're having "new adventures with old ..." Oh no, let's pretend I didn't think of that wordplay.

MCBias said...

Ok, that's the last time I rush to reply to a comment late at night--Freud would have a field day with the "10 seconds" comment, hahaha. I meant that after hearing that $5300 was the price for Spitzer's girls, when Redhead quoted $1500, it sounded pretty low to me at first. However, 10 seconds later, I realized that $1500 is still a fair amount of money, even though it doesn't sound like as much as it did when I was a poor college student.

Ok, explanation over, resume laughing at me. I couldn't have made better fun of myself if I had tried.

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Jack Cobra said...

Since it seems that you are only going to post one day a week (if that) would it be possible to let us know what day that would be? It's rough coming back here every few days only to see the carcass of what used to be....

Bean said...

I am always paying attention....however, I do most of my blog reading while at work and unfortunately can't post comments while there and once I get home I forget. But don't worry...I know you have a life. As you should. :)