Friday, March 21, 2008

Step Back, Jack

Hmmm, it seems like every time I get an angry comment from Cobra about my sporadic posting, I invariably give in and put something up here in response…like right now. I’m thinking this makes our relationship mildly unhealthy – he puts me down and I jump in an effort to please him. I’m also thinking this makes me a pussy – both figuratively (I mean, why should I care if Cobra’s pissed?) and, obviously, literally (because…well you know, I have one). So Mr. Jack Cobra, I will not accede to your wishes (after this one time of course)! I will post when I want, about what I want, and for as long as I want!

In fact, just for that…we’re having another Book Club. Hold on tight boys, this is going to get ugly.

(Warning: For those of you who weren’t around for the last book club, these are not for “good” books. I only cover books that were frankly so shocking, I just had to share the perversity. So if you’re one of those figurative pussies, bail out now.)

Oh, also – NSFW! If you’re going to read this at your desk, make sure no one’s standing behind you.

Book title: Nicholas: The Lords of Satyr
Redhead’s comments: I bought this book without even bothering to find out what it was about – apparently putting gorgeous, almost-naked male bodies on the cover really is a good marketing ploy.

Author: Elizabeth Amber
Redhead’s comments: I’d never read anything by this author before, but as I’ve already stated the cover was…compelling.

Synopsis (from the publisher): Nicholas looks very much like what he is – the handsome, successful heir to a vineyard in Tuscany. But Nicholas is much more, for he is one of the last in an ancient line of satyr men. And the dying king of ElseWorld wants him not only to marry, but to wed one of the king’s own daughters – a half-human, half-faerie woman unaware of her heritage. Nicholas won’t shirk his duty to produce heirs to guard his race’s legacies, but he never plans to make his bride his only lover. A satyr’s sexual hunger and sensual skills are legendary. One woman will never satisfy him.

Or so Nicholas believes until he meets Jane. As spirited as she is fey, as beautiful as she is innocent, she is nevertheless determined to make her new husband hers alone – and she’s eager for him to teach her every deliciously carnal secret he knows…

Redhead’s comments: OK, first and foremost – shut up. I know how it reads. And honestly, I don’t care; it should come as no surprise to anyone that the romance genre leans heavily into fantasy. Anyway, I decided to read this book with an open mind, and holy shit it’s a good thing I did. What they don’t tell you in the synopsis: These satyr guys grow a 2nd dick during every full moon, or as they like to refer to it, the Calling. And they use them – not surprisingly – for double penetration. But um, some other things happen during this full moon as well. Rather than describing it myself (which frankly makes me blush), let’s jump to the excerpt a little early.

His lips brushed her shoulder. “My second cock is quenched,” he told her. “It will trouble you no more this night.”

He made no mention of the fact that his other oversize cock remained inside her vagina, poised and throbbing.

She wiggled against it. “I thought I felt, that is… Didn’t you spill inside me?”
A hand stroked her rib. “This is the way of the Calling. My shaft won’t grow flaccid until sunrise.”

She smiled at him over her shoulder. “Excellent.”

“I’m glad you think so.” He grinned and withdrew only to turn her to face him and slide into her again. Wrapping a hand under her bottom he lifted her slightly, tilting her hips forward.

He fucked her shallowly for a time, letting her opening massage the swollen plum of his tip, watching her accommodate it over and over. The petals of her labia folded inward with his taking and then blossomed outward with each retreat. His hand slid higher along her hips, and he pressed closer, watching her face.

“The elixir did its work then? My second cock didn’t cause you too much distress?”

“No, you were right. It – ahh!?” Startled, she cried out, trying to sit up and scoot away. “Something is – ahh!”

An unidentified serpentine instrument had unfurled from below his scrotum to tickle its way inside her anus! She wiggled her buttocks in confused delight as more of the tonguelike protrusion made its way into her rear entrance.

“Oh! What is that?” she asked, sighing despite the strangeness of it.

“The Seeker. Another feature of the Calling,” he informed her with a rakish smile. “One females are said to greatly enjoy.”

The long appendage slithered within the crimpled crevice of her buttocks, licking up his deposits and healing her abraded tissue.

Redhead’s comments: Yeah…yeah. So, it took me about 2 weeks to come back and finish the book after this scene. I am just NOT, NOT, NOT a fan of snakes, and (while I realize what the author was going for here) that pretty much means this scene put into words my worst nightmare. And didn’t give ANY warning that it was going to happen. (Deep breaths…) So yeah, this time around I’m using the Book Club as a way to exorcise the demons that this book put in my head. Does this scene creep any of you out too? (Besides the boys, who are going to complain no matter what.) I mean what…the…fuck?! Snakes ENTERING the body?! Damnit, I need a drink.

Wrapup: Total sex scenes…um, a bunch (including one with the female protagonist, Nicholas, and his 2 brothers). Will I be reading the other 2 books in this series? No fucking way. Overall mental anguish brought on by this book – more than I would care to admit. Overall mental anguish passed on to my readers thanks to this book club – I would image a considerable amount. Sorry about that guys.

So anyway Jack, that one was for you.


onthevirg said...

Ho-ly Shit! I mean...that's just...what the...a double cock?! I watch as much porn as the next guy and just reading that made me feel dirty. I'm surprised you made it through the whole thing.

TK said...

Three things:

1. I've never heard the word "crimpled" before.

2. I kind of want to curl up and cry.

3. Have you considered taking up another hobby?

Anonymous said...

Your arguments about having your computer catch a porn-induced virus by accident does not carry much weight after reading this. Although this did live up to its promise. One of the better satyr related erotica I've read.

MCBias said...

Unfortunately for you, your plot failed: I used the highly-regarded "hands in front of screen" filter as needed to block out the actual incriminating text. 95% effective, except when that short pinky finger lets a word or two slip in, ha.

That said...sheesh, Redhead, I sent you a list of ideas for posts, as you had requested ideas from us. I'm sure a few others did too. You're telling me that THIS was superior to all those ideas? Really? I'd be insulted if I cared more.

Redhead said...

virg: It took me two weeks, but I have to say...yeah, the book creeped me out. I'm still not entirely sure why I finished it. (Oh, and the double cock thing didn't freak me out nearly as much as the (gulp) snake thing did.)

tk: 1) Hmmm, actually neither have I. I just double-checked the book, and that is the word used (no typo on my part). Good catch. 2) Me too, that's why I was a bitch and decided to share the pain. 3) You mean a hobby besides reading dirty books? No, no I haven't.

harry: Erotica and porn are not the same thing! Oh, and these books are (apparently) a sub-genre called...wait for it...romantica. Yeah, either way I chose to read this shit, and I did not choose to have copious amounts of porn CRASH my computer. So there.

mcb: Don't be such a baby! Your post suggestions were 'talk about politics or internet anonymity.' Dude, I really try not to get too serious around here. I mean, does ANYONE want to know my political views? Plus, I was psychologically scarred by what I had read - I HAD to share!

Bean said...

I think I also want to curl up and cry...possibly die. If any man I was with suddenly surprised me with either of those things...well, honestly, I'd probably laugh, but then I think I'd run far, far away!

Jack Cobra said...

To clarify, I wasn't mad or pissed about your lack of posts. My remarks are more of a 'nudge'. Use them as you want though.

Growing a second cock every full moon is out of the ordinary?

rs27 said...

If its between politics and reading about double dong action, I would prefer your views on the crisis in Darfur.

Redhead said...

bean: I'd laugh at the extra dick, the snake thing...yeah, let's just say my freak out would be one for the ages.

jack: Don't worry about it, unhealthy relationships are the only ones I ever enter into anyway. And again, it wasn't the 2nd dick part of the story that creeped me out.

rs27: Since when did you become a wussy?

Bruce Paine said...

Since I don't really exist on the internet anymore, I was instantly ashamed that I had to wait three days to read this post. This is a great blog. Let me start by saying
1. I was thrown by the word "crimpled" as well.
2 Shallowly is a horrible word in its own right.
3. Believing that porn and erotica are different things is beneath you, Red. We are all sexual beings. We can hide it if we like, but the truth finds us out. Determining if something is porn or erotica is a semantic argument we should do away with. Searching for materials we use to elicit sexual responses is something most do and dressing it up is unnecessary. The instant gratification of internet porn or the tension and build up of literary erotica are for the same purpose. I think this is endemic of women, and I don't mean this as a slight. Women probably find the tension and build up of literotica more palatable and a little more discreet. I have encountered my share in my internet adventures, and I certainly do. Men just want to get through it and back to the game. In our society it is not yet vogue for women to be as openly sexual as men. In recent decades they have been able to access their sexuality through literotica in the form of "romance novels" or "smut books" while us free wheeling fellas were watching stag films in the basement or looking up horseporn on usenet. I think it is great that literotica is developing with the times, and that more...elaborate forms are becoming more mainstream. It is a fine way to engage your sexuality, an excellent medium for doing so, and (probably) a good way to help closed off men and women (but mostly women) discover more about their own sexual interests. Still, and this is the point, it is just porn. You can put a dress on a pig and teach it a Victorian accent but it still isn't Eliza Doolittle. Porn is erotica, erotica is porn. I could go on about how American porn is ruining ideas about what women should be, but this is too long already, I digress.

John Barleycorn said...

Wowwie kablowwie. Can I join your bookclub? Does it make a difference that I'm queer? Can we read queer porno?