Thursday, June 5, 2008

I'm an Odd Bird

Things I saw this morning that cracked me up:

-I was walking to the subway and there was this woman a few steps in front of me who was wearing a raincoat. OK, ‘raincoat’ is too simple a description for what she was wearing, and I NEED to give this coat its due. It was…it was just so…SHINY. I mean, it was blindingly, shockingly…um (fuck, I can’t think of another word to use), shiny! I kept looking at it (in all honesty I wasn’t sure I had the power to look away), and it was like this piece of fabric was calling for me to release my inner kitten. I had to consciously restrain myself from trying to bat at her coat in order to watch the light bounce off it as it moved. It was hypnotic really. And just Fucking Awesome!

-Men in tight jeans. It was like a memo went out yesterday to all men in the NY metro area, and they ALL fucking took it seriously! So they dug deep, sifted through their crappy old 80’s gear, and freaking pulled out the tightest, most designerest (note: not a word) jeans they could find. And it was GREAT! I mean, I’m kind of used to emo-looking guys giving the ole tight jeans thing a try, but this morning I actually saw a burly trucker type guy wearing skintight women’s (I think) jeans! And let just tell you, it TOTALLY made my day. That is all.

Things I saw this morning that kind of creeped me out:

-There’s nothing more uncomfortable on the subway than looking up from your seat to find that the man standing in front of you has forgotten to button/zip his fly. You find yourself kind of trying to not look (even though it’s right in your face and how can you NOT look), while scenes from the one episode of Law and Order SVU you ever saw flash through your mind. And then you wonder if you should say something – you know, give them the heads up. But then you think maybe they know, and they’re exhibitionists, and then lord knows what kind of awkward conversation you could get sucked into. So you don’t say anything, but you can’t really concentrate on anything else, and it SO EARLY in the morning that it totally weirds you out, and all you can think is ‘please, please, please don’t let anything pop out.’ But I digress.

Anyway, this morning a guy with a large overhanging belly (and tight jeans of course) was standing in front of me with his fly wide open. I didn’t look…or at least I tried not to (I had to keep peeking to make sure nothing, you know, appeared). Nothing did (thank goodness). But I did have to endure this for all of 5 stops on the train (it sat in front of my face from 51st Street to 23rd). Can you say awkward?

-I was in the elevator coming up to my office when I noticed that the finance guy, a dorky 60-year-old dude I had been chatting with as we rode up to our floor, had a nipple issue going on. What kind of issue you ask? Well, I’d call it a cold (or possibly – please God no – excited) issue; we’re talking seriously hard/distended nipples that were (blurgh) freaking poking their way through his shirt. It was really, really, really yucky. That’s all I’ll say about it. Oh, and yet again I said nothing (even I don’t know how to broach certain topics).

I feel like I’ve been eye-raped this morning.

Random other things that I’m thinking/feeling at this moment:

-I am in a weirdly silly mood today – it may have to do with lack of sleep. Oh, speaking of which: The game last night was a lot of fun. John was surprisingly cool (no awkward conversations or anything like that – well, expect for when he mentioned that we should have a baby together…it’s kind of a long story). I was a little annoyed when the couple that sits next to me – we’ve had the same ticket plans for years and they’ve met John many times since I take him to a lot of games – freaking gave him a HUG when they saw him! They had missed him this year, they said! Um, when I saw them at our first game this season (and they hadn’t seen me all winter) I didn’t get a freaking hug! Now granted, I’m not really a ‘hugger’ and would have been all kinds of freaked out if they had hugged me, but still! I hate being liked second best.

-I’m pretty sure my assistant just called me old. She came over to my desk, handed me a book she’d told me about (which, granted, is aimed at teenagers), and said ‘I think you’ll really love this. My teacher in high school gave it to me to read, and she was even older than you are!’ I almost fell over laughing. So did the woman in the office next to mine who heard. Damn, I’m feeling good about myself now!

-I’ve had an impressive amount of caffeine/artificial energy drinks this morning. I give myself 2 more hours before I’m going to need to leave my desk and take the stairs a few times. But that’s normal. Right?

Now I have to go get some work done – feel free to shout back and make fun of me. I’ll be checking your comments until midday tomorrow when I’m flying down to DC for the weekend to visit my sister! Woo hoo! I’ll try not to get in too much trouble (although it’s kind of like a pig trying not to get dirty sometimes), but if I do I’m sure you’ll hear all about it. Later party people.


Your Girlfriend is Ugly said...

I was riding on the N R during my freshman year in college. It was about 3 in the morning and the guy two seats over was staring at me while masturbating. Straight up whipped out the happy pole and went to town on it.

The image is burned into my eye balls to this day.

Bruce Paine said...

What kind of ticket plan do you have? I am just wondering because, with spring camps up and going for football, I am starting to feel the separation anxiety of not being able to go to home Colts games. I am jonesing for it in June. I am going to give myself an ulcer.

LosingIt said...

oh hooray for having your corneas seared so early in the morning...

SocialTyrant said...

I've observed that nipple issue too, and experienced similar amounts of trauma.

I think thats why a lot of older guys wear singlets (-snigger-) under their workshirts.

Redhead said...

ygiu: And THAT is the reason I never take the subway after midnight. Oh, and EWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!

paine: For the Yanks? Why, are you thinking of getting a plan for (gasp) the Twins? But in all seriousness, a) get the hell out of Minnesota (sorry, I've hated the state irrationally ever since I had a psycho roommate in college who was from there), and b) check their website. I know that the Yanks have different ticket plans than most (including the Mets). I also know how bad it is during the offseason, and I feel for you. But dude, don't self-soothe with Minnesota teams, just...don't. Next thing you know you'll be a Vikings fan. (Ducks)

losingit: Well, I'm glad someone's happy.

socialtyrant: What's a singlet?

Bruce Paine said...

I was just wondering and realized after the fact that it may be an unusually personal question to ask about a person's ticket situation. I don't have any interest in following Minnesota sports, I bleed Hoosier blood, I was just curious. I do plan on going to Colts/Vikings game and hitting a few Golden Gophers games and maybe some late season Twins games, but only as a passing sports observer. The U of M plays in the Metrodome but don't get any of the concession money and only 15% of the ticket sales so they decided to build a new football stadium of their own right in the middle of their campus. It is a n open-air horseshoe with the open end facing the wind at the end of a long boulevard. I believe it may become the most significant weather advantage any sports organization has ever had. Different stadiums and tickets packages have been on my mind because of it.