Tuesday, June 3, 2008

They Call Me Spaz Girl

-So I ended things with Fancy Pants – yes, I know it was inevitable. Still, he was considerably more pissed about it than I had anticipated; I believe his parting words to me were ‘Have a nice fucking life!’ My thoughts on this: I forgot the golden rule that when you’re breaking up with someone, never EVER do it in your own home. Because if you’re stuck at home with this person and they become, oh I don’t know, verbally abusive let’s say, you can’t leave. You seriously have to just sit there and take it for as long as they want to dish it out. And that’s not as much fun as it sounds.

But if you dump someone pretty much anywhere that’s not your own turf, you can just LEAVE when they start doing shit like calling you a bitch, listing all your flaws one by one, or even possibly throwing out the ‘you’re going to die alone’ line (who fucking DOES that?!). Yeah, these are memories I’m building here people. Memories.

-Just to top off my weekend, I was telling my mother about the breakup from hell – she had never met Fancy Pants (why would she?), but like everyone else she disliked him on first description – and somehow I found myself in a deep discussion with her about my love life and why I date the kind of men I date. Well, discussion/lecture, tomato/tomahto. Either way I found myself the recipient – for the second time that weekend – of a verbal smackdown (this time it was well-intentioned at least). The sentence ‘When are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren?’ might have been uttered.


-I cleaned the shit out of my apartment this weekend (it seemed best to just lock myself inside away from the world with the way things were going). I mean, I lifted the mattress and box spring up and cleaned under the bed! I scrubbed the bathtub! I went through all my papers and actually threw stuff out for once! I also – in a big change for me – switched up the bedding from my normal dark red comforter/dust ruffle thingy (it seemed too dark for the summer), to a pretty light blue and white flowered comforter/dust ruffle thingy. It’s…well, it’s freaking me out a little bit with how girly it is, but still…I think (maybe) I like it. It’s kind of pretty. Plus, it’s good to change things up every once in a while. Right?

Either way, the apartment looks awesome right now. I’m thinking of getting myself a new couch too.

-I passed a guy on the street yesterday who was holding a sign that read ‘Please give money for beer.’ No shit, he was blatantly asking for alcohol money. And I have to say, considering it was gorgeous out and I was stuck in an office all day (I was just running out for lunch at the time), I didn’t begrudge this guy an ice-cold beer. Hell, I was fucking envious. So I gave him a buck. I didn’t give anything to the homeless guy on the corner of course, but I gave money to the 20-something guy standing a block away asking for beer money (and not looking homeless). I’m seriously going to hell any day now.

-It’s the little things in life that annoy me. Like the chick who got on the train this morning for example – sunglasses on underground (an all-time pet peeve of mine), too-tight clothes on her too-plump body, hair styled to within an inch of its life, reallllly long fake nails, etc. But none of that set me off. What set me off was that she was holding a bagel by the tips of her fake nails and was licking the cream cheese off like she was auditioning for a porno or something. And you could just TELL she thought she looked hot.

It. Drove. Me. Nuts.

So I did what I always do in these situations – I waited until she glanced over at me, gave her a blatant once over, got sort of an ‘ewww’ expression on my face, and then looked her in the eye and laughed at her. She turned bright red and got off at the next stop. Sometimes it’s nice to take a person down a peg or two…just because I can.

I deserve all the bad things that happen to me. Don’t I?

-My assistant just came over with a book sample and pricing for me to review, and in the book was a picture of three cute little piglets (awwww). Only Ass (my new nickname for my assistant) then took the opportunity to tell me the story of how she once dissected a pig in Biology class. Now let me ask you guys a question – do you know anyone in the world who would want to hear that story LESS than I would? I’m a fucking vegetarian because I like animals more than people for fuck’s sake!

-Speaking of vegetarianism, it’s been over a year guys – who out there actually thought I’d make it this long? I have to say that one of the coolest things about having done this is simply knowing that I CAN. I mean think about it, I was an animal lover who ate meat because…well, because I liked it. But I decided I was going to stop cold-turkey, and I FUCKING DID! No one was holding me to it (hell, no one wanted me to do it), the cravings were shockingly strong at times (I capital letters MISS cheeseburgers), and yet I NEVER broke down. Not once. And I did it through sheer willpower. Knowing I’m capable of that, that I'm that fucking tough mentally, is…pretty goddamn cool actually.

-I’m going to the game tomorrow night with John. Yes, that’s right – I think he MAY have forgiven me for my multitude of sins against him. Well, either that or he’s taking advantage of my awesome seats right near first base in Yankee Stadium. Hmmmm, I guess there’s also the chance (considering the week I’ve been having) that he’s both using me for my seats (understandable) AND going to take this opportunity to tell me off (which I admittedly deserve). At the game…where I’m guaranteed not to leave. Hence stuck being told off with nowhere to go. Again.



MCBias said...

Anyway, yes, I'm not at all surprised Mr. Fancy Pants took things badly. He was an oblivious buffoon the whole time you dated him, and as such was probably completely blindsided that you were dumping him, not proposing to him.

Eh, there's worse--your parents could be recommending a girl 7 years younger than you, who lives 3000 miles away, as an ideal mate. Not that I know anyone that's happened to recently (seized by coughing fit).

John Barleycorn said...

Oh wow. Did you seriously laugh in that girl's face? Can I pretty-please start a fan-club based around you and be the President?

John Barleycorn said...

This post was so good I had to give you a shout-out:


MsPuddin said...

ok I thought I was the only one with flaws that could be thrown out there like that. My ex would repeatedly call me selfish whenever we would argue.

yes, I am selfish, you re just jealous. humph!

One More Dying Quail said...

Absolutely nothing in this post disturbed me...except for the idea of someone licking cream cheese off a bagel. Don't get me wrong - I love bagels and I love cream cheese, but the thought of licking the cream cheese off separately from the bagel? I don't like that.

In an unrelated footnote, I cannot text the word "bagel" on my cell phone without spelling it out in ABC mode. In Word mode, it comes out as "acid". Why you need to know this, I have no idea.

Redhead said...

mcb: OK, there's definitely a story here and I need to hear it. Spill, you know you want to.

john: Of course I did, yes you may, and it's about time you noticed.

john 2: This is the kind of respect I deserve people!

mspuddin: Wait, he called you selfish once and you dumped him (because even if it's true, fuck him for mentioning it!), or he used to say it every time you argued (and in which case why would you put up with that?)?

My theory is that whenever a man calls a woman he's in a relationship with 'selfish,' he's really just saying he wants more blowjobs. While I've never personally heard this complaint (what can I say, I'm a giver), I often counsel friends to just yell back, 'Yeah? Well you suck in bed!' Not the world's most mature response, but satisfying all the same.

omdq: Actually, it's these little quirks in my readers' personalities (or cell phones) that make their comments more interesting. Now on to more important things - how's the baby?

One More Dying Quail said...

Red, would you believe my kid is almost a year old? His first birthday is just over a month away - my wife has been planning the party for about three weeks now.

After a slow start, we're up to five teeth, and he has developed a (possibly un) healthy fascination for remote controls and phones. Oh, and he's just about ready to start walking, so that oughta be fun - if chasing a toddler around can be considered "fun".

But really, everything's great :-) (well, except for the fact that I'm a nervous breakdown waiting to happen and I use WAY too many smiley faces. It's a tad ironic).

Your Girlfriend Is Ugly said...

People are so gross.

I am a starer. If you're picking your nose I'll stare you down. If you're driving 50 in the fast lane I'll stare you down while I whizz by you in the middle lane.

Bruce Paine said...

Break ups are awesome. It was your house and you really dont have to take shit from anyone there. Mace the fucker or get a gun.

Since you impression of my relationship with pigs may be somewhat tainted by earlier exposition, allow me to make a guess that may improve my standing with you. I may be the only person that reads your blog who has performed CPR on baby piglets.

Redhead said...

omdq: He's almost a year old?! Wow, time flies when you're having fun (or in your case losing sleep). He sounds absolutely adorable - as someone who has 2 nephews that are both obsessed with cell phones (I have no idea why), I will tell you there's a fake kids phone on the market that rings and then when you answer it plays pre-recorded messages that you leave. For example, you can leave a message for your little guy, and then when you're gone he can use the phone and listen to your voice talking to him.

When did this comment section become about kids? OK, you guys have found me out - I'm a closet kid lover; it doesn't make me any less tough though!

ygiu: OK, 1) Your name is awesome, and 2) I too appreciate the cold, withering stare.

paine: My theory on the breakup (besides the fact that no, I shouldn't have done it in my home), is that if I'm the one who's doing the dumping, I kind of figure it's a bad idea to then compound the problem by assaulting him (call me crazy). I figured my best bet was to just sit there quietly and take it. Having said all that, it was...not fun.

Awww, CPR to a little piglet? OK, I like you again (just don't tell you then killed and ate it when it grew up). That's just so...sweet. I knew you were a softy deep down inside.