Tuesday, July 8, 2008

Brain, Meet Mouth

I am a complete spaz – this is an important note to make before I jump into a quick recap of my 4th of July weekend (nothing really interesting happened – welcome to my life). Not because I acted like more of a spaz than usual over the weekend (I actually didn’t), but because I acted like a complete freak yesterday and need to share that BEFORE going into my uninteresting weekend…do you people ever wonder why you bother coming here to read this shit?

OK, so I’m leaving work yesterday and paying no attention to the world around me when I step onto the elevator and find myself alone, in an enclosed space, with the boss of my boss’s boss (still following me?). Now under normal circumstances this isn’t a bad thing (I handle people pretty well generally), but yesterday…not so much. So there I was, standing in an elevator with a woman who fully has the power to fire me, and I could think of NOTHING to say. So I smiled politely and pretended to rifle through my purse. Boss Woman, being a fully functioning adult, decided to pick up the conversational slack and said ‘There are never enough hours in the day.’

Good, good – I could work with that. ‘No, there never are’ I said back, a nice innocuous answer to a nice innocuous question. Perfect, now stop talking. Ah fuck, what are the odds that I was going to do that. Nope, I followed up ‘No, there never are’ with a pause – like I was thinking (although obviously I was doing nothing of the sort) – and then: ‘Well, except on the weekends!’


WHAT?! What does that even mean?! What the hell? WHY would I have said that? Oh shit…maybe I should just acknowledge that what I said made NO sense. I mean, people do stupid shit like this all the time, right? Of course they do…because I fucking MOCK and HATE them for it. Goddamnit! OK, don’t say anything – that way I won’t make it worse. Only…if I keep my mouth shut, then she might think I don’t KNOW that what I just said was stupid; which would be so fucking stupid!

And while all this was going on in my head, outwardly in that elevator there was…nothing. She said nothing. I said nothing – I didn’t even have the grace to look embarrassed. In fact, I’m pretty sure that I just went back to rifling through my purse like I hadn’t just made one of the most random and illogical comments ever. In the history of the whole world. And then…


The elevator doors opened, and I realized I had run out of time - time to say something, anything, that would make her rethink the (rather glaring) evidence that I was apparently lacking a brain (not that I truly believe I was capable of convincing her at that point that this was true – my brain was clearly on vacation). So, we parted ways. Walking out onto the street, she turned left to walk uptown, I turned right to get to the subway, and…that was it.

It (surprisingly) took me a whole half block before I started laughing. I am SUCH a freak! What the fuck had I been talking about? And how did I not acknowledge that what I had said made no sense? Did she actually think that I THOUGHT that comment had made sense? And what had happened to my puny little brain in there? Oh good God.

So there I was, walking to the subway, talking to no one, and…well, I was laughing. Yes, I was the chick walking down the street, laughing for no discernable reason (although in all fairness, I also laugh at myself – and others – when I/they trip, fall, etc.; I’m the kind of person who laughs at embarrassing things). And, I’m still kind of laughing when I write this now.

Immediately upon getting to my apartment, I a) called my sister, b) called my mother, c) called Christine, d) called John, and e) told my cat (shut up), ALL about what I had done. I relayed the story to everyone, and it cracked everyone up (well, not my cat – she seemed pretty uninterested actually). And when I was in a meeting with my boss this morning, I told her too. She started laughing and didn’t stop until there were tears in her eyes.

So…cheers. It takes a special kind of stupid to make that bad an impression on a person (and then tell EVERYONE all about it so they can be laughed at), and it turns out – I’m that kind of stupid. Go me.

OK, I’m tired now and don’t feel like going into my weekend (maybe tomorrow). One highlight to tide you all over: Christine and I were out on Saturday night – just relaxing at a neighborhood bar having a drink – when this guy came up and started chatting with me. So we’re just sitting there having a marginally interesting conversation, and this dude’s friend (obviously VERY drunk), came up to us and yelled (mind you, this was more a lounge type bar and not really a yelling type bar) ‘What’s up bitch! You’re looking hawt!’ Yeah, THIS is my life. Needless to say I ended the conversation shortly thereafter (I wish I could have heard the exchange between those two guys after I left though – the guy I had been speaking to looked pissed), and since I’m in a place right now where I’m doing the single girl, ‘I refuse to settle’ thing…that’s it. That’s the whole story. My life has become a series of ‘I was talking to this guy and then [blank] happened and we stopped talking and that’s it’ stories. Cool, huh?

More tomorrow. Maybe the day after.


John Barleycorn said...

Awesome. Reminds me of a time I told the vice president of a prestigious international publishing firm that only "failed writers" go into that industry.

Needless to say, I didn't get the job.

Mike said...

"What's up bitch, you're looking hawt."

Wow, what a pick up line. I'll have to try that sometime.

I can't believe you didn't fall all over that dood.

I'll let you know how it works out for me.

Jack Cobra said...

I have a really good story of my own that is similar to yours but I'm going to hold onto it for now.

Next time I come here to read I'd like to see a post about how the A-Rod divorce is going to affects you because I have to believe that you have some thoughts on it.

Redhead said...

john b.: Did you do that on purpose?

mike: I wish you the best of luck, because you're going to need it.

jack: You can't do that to me - you no longer have a blog where I'm going to hear this story! Now tell me what it is; I need to feel better about myself here.

Ah, the A-Rod saga. Yes, I do have feelings on it (my friends are not making this easy on me). OK, I'll throw together a few thoughts on his very naughty ways and will post it.