What I Learned on Saturday

I drank a 40 of beer while sitting at a bus stop this past weekend. Out of a plastic bag. It was without a doubt the greatest white trash moment I have ever had, and it was all thanks to Christine.

Actually, it was thanks to The Psychic. And Christine. But mainly The Psychic and her a) bad news (for Christine, who got her reading first), and b) lack of a credit card machine. You see, we went to see a psychic on Saturday night (Christine’s idea – she wanted to know what the future held for her and was apparently unwilling to wait and find out), and unfortunately, not all the news for Christine was good. No news of a soulmate for her, no news on the job front, but apparently LOTS of news on her past lives (say what?) and a firm warning from The Psychic that she had an emotional blockage that needed to be cleared. Pronto. This – of course – would cost more money. So off Christine went to find an ATM, and in I went (released from the hottest waiting room in the history of the world) to go in for my reading.

Note: I do not believe in psychics. However I am a fucking awesome friend, and I figured this would be entertaining if nothing else. Oh, and Christine promised me ice cream if I went. Sold.

As I sat down I made a point not to speak too much (because I didn’t want to give anything away, duh), but did mention that ‘We don’t really need to go into my past or present or anything – I already know about those – so can we just focus on the future?’ Hey, I didn’t want to waste time or money. Her response was ‘I don’t know what information I’ll get. Just sit back and relax.’ Okey dokey then.

The good news was she didn’t try to pull any past life crap on me (this means she either realized I wasn’t going to believe it anyway, or it means I’m brand new). Anyway, here’s a breakdown of what she told me, along with either my reactions or those of the people I’ve told about the reading (which is really the fun part about going to a psychic – people’s responses to what was said):

-People around me are very envious, and they talk about me behind my back.
Reaction: My mother’s take on this one was the best – ‘Hmmm, I would have said people were afraid of you, not envious.’ Gee, thanks Mom.

-I am a very strong person.
Reaction: This one goes to my boss (who thought it was hysterical that I went to a psychic by the way) – ‘I don’t think it takes a psychic to figure that out; I knew it within one minute of meeting you.’ Thanks…I think.

-I like to give advice and get annoyed when people don’t listen to me.
Reaction: Well duh, I could fix everyone’s life if they’d just step back and let me!

-I worry about those I care for.
Reaction: My mother and I both agreed this was true, and it is not something strangers often know about me (I’m generally seen as very laid back and don’t get worked up over stupid shit…well, I’m easily annoyed but never illogically paranoid, sad, etc.). Anyway, I thought this one was a good call on The Psychic’s part, since I do get very worried about the small group of people I love. I just couldn’t give a shit about anyone else.

-I try to take the problems of others on myself.
Reaction: As I said, I could fix everyone’s life if they’d just let me!

-I’m going to live to be between 87 and 90.
Reaction: A) Cool beans, and B) I’m pretty sure that’s a lie – I take horrible care of myself.

-My aura is lavender and red.
Reaction: I had no real reaction to this (since I didn’t know what the hell it meant and stupidly didn’t ask – my only question after she said this was ‘Is that because red is my favorite color?’ The answer to that was no). However, after getting home I googled auras and this is what I am: A lavender aura means I have imagination, I’m a visionary, a daydreamer, and etheric. A red aura means I’m powerful, energetic, competitive, sexual, and passionate. Hmmm…actually, I think those are pretty accurate. Moving on…

-My third eye is wide open.
Reaction: I DID ask what the hell that meant. According to The Psychic this means I’m very perceptive, imaginative, and I have a great deal of ‘self-mastery.’ Energy also flows through me freely, not getting blocked anywhere (unlike Christine). But yeah, I have no real response to this since I’m still not entirely sure what the hell she was talking about. Anyone know? Anyone?

-I’m a leader not a follower.
Reaction: No shit.

-Because I’m not a follower, I should work for myself, not for others.
Reaction: Yeah, I didn’t tell my boss this one. And while I’d love to work for myself, let’s just say I’m not quitting my job because a psychic told me to. (Oh, and I can’t believe she told me to quit my job!)

-I’m a winter person – my energy is at its highest during the winter months.
Reaction: That one’s dead on – I love wintertime (summer sucks); the cozy sweaters, the warm drinks, the not being HOT all the time.

And then she got into the good stuff…

-I have not been open to finding my soulmate in the past, but now I am ready.
Reaction: Really? Umm….really? My mother almost lost it when I told her this – you’d think she actually believed in this stuff (which she doesn’t…normally). Oh, and do we really have to call him my ‘soulmate’?

-I already know my soulmate, but don’t realize it (in fact, while I know him I may not have noticed him before). I will notice him in September.
Reaction: Huh? I really don’t think I know anyone who has the potential to be The One. Plus, September? That seems kind of soon, doesn’t it? Is that seriously all the single time I have left? And why am I acting like this could be true? (Note: Get a grip and calm down.)

-My soulmate’s first or last name starts with the letter A.
Reaction: I swear to fucking God, I don’t know anyone (male, single, cute) with a first or last name that starts with an A. No Adams, Andrews, Aarons, etc. Seriously. How is that even possible? (Although both Christine and my boss did joke that it was A-Rod, and I couldn’t stop laughing at that.)
Note: I just remembered that The Bartender (from last week’s post), his name starts with an A. Shoot me now.

-The relationship will move to the next level in January.
Reaction: Wow, that’s moving a little fast, isn’t it?

-I will have 3 kids, but only 2 pregnancies.
Reaction: 1) My mother LOVED this one – you’d think I’d actually told her I had gotten married and was already pregnant, and 2) Only 2 pregnancies but 3 kids? Hmmm. The Psychic asked me if twins run in the family, and I told her quite firmly that no, they did not. When she insisted quite adamantly that I would indeed have 3 kids, but only 2 pregnancies, I didn’t feel like arguing it with her, so I simply said ‘Well, that’s one less bout of labor, so I’m all for it!’ Still, 3 kids? I’m tired just thinking about it.

As for the rest of it…yeah, I don’t really remember what else she said (so I’m guessing it couldn’t have been that interesting). Anyway, since I hadn’t been in the room when Christine got her reading, I didn’t know it had been bad. All I did know at the time was when I was done with The Psychic, Christine had returned from her trip to the ATM with both money AND beer (not what I had been expecting). Apparently it was imperative that we start drinking – immediately. So immediately in fact, that Christine simply paid The Psychic for the reading she had already had, and refused to get her emotional blockage removed (it’s important to note that The Psychic said this would cost $100 – I fully supported keeping the money AND the emotional blockage as well). She then handed me my plastic bag of beer (this truly cracked me up), and told me we were going. Okay.

We made it about a block before stopping at a bus stop – not to take the bus, just to sit on the bench – and proceeded to drink our 40s on the street, while talking about our readings. This was actually really fun – the white trash drinking, the laughing about what she had told us, the speculating about what some of the stuff could mean, discussing the veracity of what she did say about us, etc.

But the weirdest part of the night? Turns out the first thing The Psychic said to Christine when she sat down for her reading was ‘You say things to people’s faces that most people never would.’ Bam! Even I’ll admit THAT was impressive. How the fuck did The Psychic call that? I mean, Christine’s biggest weakness and she hit it right on the head.

Anyway, I’m not saying I’m a believer or anything (no fucking way), but I thought that was pretty good. And in terms of Saturday night entertainment, The Psychic couldn’t have been beat – she provided us with conversational topics that (weirdly) fascinated everyone. We had the entire bar cracking up over Christine’s past lives hours later.

Anywho, that’s my Saturday night story. How was everyone else’s weekend? Do anything interesting?