Monday, July 21, 2008

The One Where I Avoid a Black Eye

I almost got my ass kicked over the weekend. Literally. And I have to say, as someone who has never actually been in a physical fight (verbal – oh hell yeah – but physical, not so much), it was a little…unnerving. Because I’m kind of a weakling. A super bitch to be sure, but physically – let me say this, I may be tall, but I’m pretty sure a 12-year-old boy could kick my ass. Or, let’s say, a REALLY pissed off 25-year-old girl.

The Story: So I went out on Saturday night (with Linda), and we went to a bar near my apartment after going to the movies – didn’t even try to get into Dark Knight, instead went to see Get Smart (mmmmm, Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson). And because it was hot as hell this weekend, and I needed to go somewhere air-conditioned before I melted, we hopped into a bar that I hadn’t been to in over 6 months. A) Because it was close by, and B) because it’s a cool fucking bar.

Now the reason I hadn’t been there in 6 months is because I had (briefly) dated one of the bartenders. And as with all my relationships, we’d broken up. Plus (as you all know) I have a bad track record with breakups – I tend to piss people off during the whole ‘ending the relationship’ thing, and they tend to take it out on me. So when I can, I avoid potentially awkward reunions.

Anyway, so we go into the place on Saturday, walk right up to the bar, and find seats (never happens!), and who should approach us? Why, The Bartender, of course. Only he was cool – he came over, reached across the bar, and gave me a huge hug. He even asked how I had been and didn’t seem to hate me at all. I was psyched. (Plus, in the interest of full disclosure, I should mention that The Bartender is hot as hell AND has the obligatory sexy Irish accent.)

Where was I? Oh yeah, the hug – so he lets go after the hug, asks us what we’re drinking (beer), and after getting us our beverages he wastes no time is turned to me and just blurting out, ‘So, are you single?’

Ummm, yes? Apparently that was the right answer, since he immediately informed us that our drinks were on him. Cool beans.

So I settled back with my beer after he left to, you know, work, and noticed this chick sitting a few seats away giving me the evil eye. At first I thought she might be a girlfriend or something, but I decided she couldn’t be because she looked too…desperate. Don’t get me wrong, she was cute (kind of Minka Kelly-ish), but she had a pathetic vibe to her. She just sat at the bar, doing nothing, and whenever The Bartender came by she immediately came to life. It was…weird. I kind of saw her as a groupie type.

I on the other hand couldn’t care less, and that (as we all know) is what truly draws men (at least in the beginning – don’t try too hard ladies). So around the 4th time The Bartender had come over to flirt – and actually ask me out, but shhhh, don’t tell anyone – I realized that Evil Eye had gone from being annoyed to looking like she was going to kill me.

I found her animosity made things awkward. For me, at least.

It should therefore come as no surprise that I was very relieved when she got up and went to the bathroom. Finally I was able to relax a little bit – in fact, I was so relaxed that I turned to the dude sitting next to me, nodded at Evil Eye’s empty seat, and asked ‘What is her problem?’

He didn’t even ask me what I was talking about; Evil Eye had been that obvious with her animosity. Chuckling a little, he said simply ‘Her boyfriend’s been hitting on you since you walked in. I'm pretty sure that’s her problem.’

‘What? Who? The Bartender?’

‘Yeah,’ he said, looking at me like I was a little slow (sometimes I really can be).

‘How do you know that?’ I asked.

‘I come here,’ he explained. ‘She’s always here – everyone knows.’

Ah shit. ‘But…’ I sputtered, kind of not wanting to believe that The Bartender would be so cruel as to hit on me right in front of his girlfriend. I mean, he would NEVER have pulled that shit on me when we were together. Of course, I never would have been so pathetic as to just hang out in the bar, alone, while he was WORKING. And speaking of pathetic, why was she blaming me? I clearly wasn’t the initiator here. And I wasn’t the one in a relationship! How was I supposed to know they were even together?! (I mean, before I asked that is.) But I digress.

Wait, I need to digress again – this is an important point to me – how could she LET him get away with this? Where’s the self-respect? People, if you show no respect for yourself, how can you expect others to treat you with respect? Think about it.

Now having said all that, it does appear (to give credit where credit is due) that Evil Eye’s wussiness only extended to her boyfriend. She wasn’t even a little bit scared of me. In fact, after about 45 minutes she finally just came up and said (I swear to God this is a direct quote) ‘I think you should leave now.’ She didn't say it in a nice way. And you know what? I left. Because she looked like she was ready to do me harm, and frankly I don’t want to get my ass kicked. For anyone, but especially NOT for a guy like The Bartender.

So quick wrap-up: Linda thought this whole thing was hysterical (she told everyone we know that I almost got beat up trying to steal some girl’s boyfriend – please keep in mind that I totally wasn’t trying to steal anything). I got home in one piece. I truly feel I shouldn’t have been the one in trouble there (hello, why wasn’t the misbehaving boyfriend getting threatened?). And I think I need to learn how to throw a punch – you know, just in case. So, um…does the thumb go on the inside or outside of the fist? Won’t it get hurt in either place?


Mr. Thursday said...

Thumb on the outside. And always punch first. Most adults have never been in fights, as adults. The shock of the blow is usually a pretty big emotional advantage. Of course, it'll just piss that 12-year-old off.

Bruce Paine said...

ditto. having you nose opened up is a hell of a thing. If it has never happened to you, it is a surprise. It preoccupies the mind yet isn't catastrophic in the long term. If you can push them down or throw them down put your knee or foot on their sternum or neck. That generally takes the vinegar out of somebody. One of my friends plays judo fairly well and he is capable of beating me up in spectacular fashion. I have always been shocked at how quickly I quit when someones knee is on my throat.

Redhead said...

mr. thursday: But if my thumb is on the outside, then isn't it more susceptible to getting hurt? It would just be...out there...getting hit into things. Ouchie. (Oh, and I'm NOT throwing the first punch - ever. Violence doesn't pay people.)

paine: Hmmm, clearly I've given you guys the wrong impression. I don't want to get into a fight, so I'm certainly not going to initiate one! Who do you people think I am, a brute?! I prefer to wound with words (but WTF - why would the thumb be on the outside? Doesn't it seem to vulnerable there?).

Jack Cobra said...

I'll tell you what my Grandfather told me when I was little. When you crack a nut, there is a reason why you put the nut on the inside of the nutcracker. Same rule applies to your thumb with a punch. Don't put it inside your fist or it could/will end up broken.

As Paine said, jab once, push down while they are stunned, shin on the throat. That usually ends it pretty quickly.

Mr. Thursday said...

I'm kind've amazed how many girls don't seem to understand how to make a fist. I can't remember even having a question about it. ANYWAY,

As Jack said: the thumb on the inside is a good way to break your digit. Or dislocate it, even. The force from your punch gets absorbed by your thumb. Pain. Keep it curled, and on the outside. Also, watch your fingers. Some people (again: girls) curl their fingers as much as they can while making a fist. This is bad. Your fingers should only be curled as much as is necessary so that your knuckles line up. That way, when you punch, you hit them with all four bony joints, instead of just your top two. The more knuckles that take the impact, the less it hurts you. The reality of the situation is that if you've never thrown a punch before, the first one you land is going to hurt you pretty good.

Oh, and if you really care, if you're punching with your right hand, you should be pushing off with your left leg.

Bruce Paine said...

While we are at it, I suppose you should consider the notion that history is written by the victor, and the winning is more important than the way you do it. With that in mind, mace a fucker and walk out the door. Cops carry bear spray so that they can shoot it into people's eyes, so I have a can in my bug out bag. It only costs about 25 bucks. You can mace somebody who pushes you and just walk out. If anybody follows you, share the wealth.