Thursday, July 10, 2008

Jack Cobra, Ask And Ye Shall Receive

As it has been well documented around here (unfortunately), I have a bit of a…crush on Alex Rodriguez; I always have. Shut up. So – considering that I want in his pants – it should come as no surprise to anyone that it turns out he is a complete dog is real life (Madonna? What the fuck?). That’s right, I’m taking partial responsibility here; from the second I saw him (when he was drafted by Seattle), I was attracted to him. In other words: He was doomed from the start.

But (being me), that won’t stop me from having thoughts and opinions on the whole shitstorm that is A-Rod’s personal life right now. So let’s break things down, shall we?

1) First and foremost, I hope his wife metaphorically rips his balls off in this divorce (because she clearly didn’t – literally – rip them off when she should have).

Call it the bitch in me, but I say once you’re married cheating is a castrating offense. Too much? Yeah, well I don’t care. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again – cheating is for the weak, it’s an incredibly hurtful thing to do, and it is 100% unforgivable (in my eyes at least); there are no good excuses people, so don’t even bother trying to come up with them.

Here are the rules (just so we’re clear): If you’re dating someone and find you want to be with someone else, go ahead (but end your relationship first) – hell, we’re all allowed to change our minds when we’re single (that’s why we’re single, we’re still in the ‘being selfish’ stage of our lives). But once you’ve done something crazy like, say, gone in front of all your family and friends to swear fidelity to someone for the rest of you life – well, I’m just going to say you’re shit out of luck if you find (at a later date) that you want to be with someone else. Sorry, keep it in your pants. (Can you tell I tend to see certain issues in terms of black and white? When it comes to this one topic, for me, gray areas don’t exist.)

So having laid out my philosophy on cheating here, it should come as no surprise to anyone that I want Mrs. A-Rod to make her husband hurt right now. A lot. And since hitting him in his wallet is probably as good a way as any to get A-Rod’s attention, well, all I will say is good luck Mrs. A-Rod. Godspeed.

2) A-Rod has the worst taste in women (strippers, strippers, muscular she-men, old chicks, and strippers).

Madonna? Seriously? I have so many thoughts on this. 1) She’s not pretty, she never was. What Madonna did have was sex appeal…about 20 years ago. That chick is 50 now, and newsflash – she looks it. However, she is creepily muscular and we all know A-Rod is into that (shudder), so…um, Mazel Tov. 2) Am I the only one who thinks she’s weird as hell? Anyone? Anyone? 3) Hey, did I mention she’s 50? Cool, I just wanted to make sure. 4) Oh yeah, and she’s married.

Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, let’s move on to the strippers. Umm…yeah – I’ve never gotten the whole ‘I want to sleep with a stripper’ thing. Sure, I get why guys like looking at strippers (hello, naked), but sleeping with one? I don’t know – guys out there, you want to explain this one to me? Let me just say this about the whole topic: From my point of view, his penchant for strippers wouldn’t keep me from enjoying him for a night; it would however keep me from ever wanting more than one night (sorry big guy).

On a side note, the funniest thing I’ve read about A-Rod and his shenanigans recently came from the Boston Herald – let’s have them take it from here:

Houlihan said A-Rod had a couple of shots of tequila and a few Sex on the Beach cocktails, then they went back to A-Rod’s room at the Ritz-Carlton and had sex.

Wow, I don’t care how turned on I am – a man ordering (and then actually drinking) a Sex on the Beach (without irony I’m assuming) would completely kill the mood. And my respect for him. And my need for his dick.

3) But even though I hope Mrs. A-Rod takes her hubby to the cleaners, I do want her to remember that they have kids, and he is their father. So back off in the badmouthing and let him see the kids.

Mrs. A-Rod needs to let A-Rod see his kids (update: it seems like she may be allowing that this weekend…so there you go), and she needs to make her lawyers back off with the public badmouthing. Let me say this much – unless a person is physically or verbally abusive, they should be free to see their kids. Period. And as for the badmouthing…let me tell you a little story. When I was in high school, I used to babysit for a woman down the street. She was going through a divorce and I honestly don’t remember all the details, but I do remember that it was contentious. And she brought it home with her. All the time. She would bitch to me about her ex (in front of her kids). She would get on the phone and bitch to her friends about him (in front of her kids). Hell, she even bitched TO her kids about him! He. Was. Their. Father. This still drives me nuts, all these years later. And you know what – her behavior wasn’t unusual; you see this a lot with divorcing couples.

I guess what I’m trying to say here is you have to be able to separate things in your mind. You may be hurt, pissed, and vindictive towards your ex, but if you have kids, keep it away from them. Just because someone was a shitty spouse, doesn’t mean they were a shitty parent. One of the hardest but most basic truths to being a parent (from what I understand – I've seen some darn good examples in my time) is that it’s a selfless job. Your kids come before yourself, and you need to think of them first.

So Mrs. A-Rod – let Alex see the kids, and tell your legal team to tone it down a bit. I get that you want to destroy him in the court of public opinion, but think of your damn children – they will hear these stories and comments one day. Maybe not now, but trust me they will in the future. And claiming that you’re taking the high road, when your lawyers are doing nothing but talking shit, doesn’t work for me. You chose your representation (and from what I’ve heard you chose people who like to play dirty), so you’re responsible for them. My advice: Tell them to tone it down and keep it in the courtroom.

4) I have the worst taste in men (yes, again it’s all about me).

Yeah, even with the cheating shit, and the horrible taste in women madness (A-Rod, you really, truly, and honestly have the looks and money to do better), I’d still do Alex Rodriguez. It’s like I’ve said in the past – I can’t help myself. I have terrible taste in men, and there’s something about that man in particular that makes me want to see him naked. And touch him. Naked.

This is my problem with men; it’s not that I think all men are assholes – I generally get along better with men than I do with women actually – but I think (and am usually right) that every man I find attractive/sexy/insanely doable is…well, they’re assholes most of the time. It’s like I have a weird radar thingamabob about this. So as I said earlier, A-Rod had practically no chance at being a nice guy – I’ve wanted him for too long.

In related news, I’m still single.

5) A-Rod, call me.

Yeah, yeah – I’m only human! Sure he cheated on his wife (bad boy), and sure he has creepy taste in women, and sure he sounds like he’s kind of an asshole, but he’s SO pretty! And since I have these annoying things called morals, I haven’t actually been able to consider A-Rod realistically for a long time (he was married – I don’t poach). But now that he’s on his way to being single…what?! Are you surprised? I don’t want to marry or even date the guy, but I would definitely…well, you know.

So with that, the moral of this piece is A-Rod is a dick, his wife is pissed (and has every right to be), I hope he gets hosed in court (although I’m sure he’ll do just fine no matter what), he should still be able to see his kids, I have bad taste in men, and because of that I’d still sleep with him even after saying all of the above.

Of course he wouldn’t sleep with me – I’m not beefy or (shockingly) slutty enough. So there you go Jack. My thoughts on A-Rod – ugly but, as always, true.

10 comments:

Mr. Thursday said...

"Call it the bitch in me, but I say once you’re married cheating is a castrating offense."

I have never cheated, and, of course, I can't imagine that I shall. I don't approve of it, even when it doesn't affect me. I've had good friends cheat on their boyfriends/girlfriends, and it has always disgusted me. However, I'd like to take a bit of issue with your suggested punishment.

Imagine it reworded in this way: "...but I say once you're married, cheating earns your a knife to your uterus."

Jack Cobra said...

Wow. That was more than I could have ever hoped for. Thank you very much.

I understand what you are saying about A-Rod's wife and how she's acting but I have to think it's not too far out of the ordinary. I think she'll back off the gas a bit in the days to come but for right now I can't really blame her.

As for his taste in women...not good. I told my gf the other day that it just didn't make sense for superstar athletes to get married....no matter how 'in love' they are. If the women are in love with them then they'll wait until they retire because that's when they can spend time together (I guess).

To get married (and be a superstar) in your mid 20's to mid 30's is just a dumb move to me. Bang all the hot (non-stripper) chicks you want and then settle down around 35 when you have two more years left in the league. To get married and divorced before then is just too expensive. Wait and then get your 25 year old when you are 35. That's what I was always taught.

Jill said...

I totally agree with you on cheating. NOT acceptable. And to Mr. Thursday, yes, if SHE cheats, put a knife in her uterus, that's fine.

And I also agree you with about kids. Don't talk badly about your ex in front of your kids.

And oh how you make me laugh. :)

Bruce Paine said...

Does anybody else wonder if they were swingers? That was a hot thing to hear when the pictures of him and that ugly broad were all over the papers but that was also a rumor that I had heard before that. Rumors abound in New York, I also heard that the worst kept secret in New York was that Strahan was on the down low.

I don't trust the idea of "famous" people getting married. I just don't, their relationships tend to be built on things that don't foster healthy relationships. Hell, she may have given him the pass or may have been a willing partner only to pull the rug out from under him when the situation proved convenient. Hell, she may have been a loving a faithful wife that never saw the upside of the kajillion dollars he made and was devastated by the discovery. The public world does not reward romantic notions and ideals of devotion and love. Shit, Brad Pitt is a superstar and the guy acts like a fucking alley cat. For that matter, Tom Brady might be the most celebrated football icon of our day and look at his personal life. Are we to ignore that? Fuck celebrities and their lives.

There is no way a person could paint their character on the interweb and ever expect anyone to believe it with any conviction, but I know one thing. I may not be wealthy or in any way successful, but I am not horribly unattractive. For two years my girlfriend lived a thousand miles away while I was surrounded by college chicks ten years younger than me who believed my rugged good looks and roughish charm were nothing short of lustacular and you know how hard it is to turn a girl down. Four words: I love my GIRLFIREND. It ain't rocket science. No one will give me an award for that, and I expect none. It is the way I AM SUPPOSED TO ACT. It is supposed to be the norm, not the other way around. The only thing I will ever get for my beliefs is the only thing I will ever want, a woman who believes I am better in bed that Alex Rodriguez ever could be.

Bruce Paine said...

And don't use racial slurs in front of me either.

Cheese said...

I understand the point of getting mad at cheating....I mean, it is pretty low.

But if we're going on rumors only here, then can you equally trash Mrs. A-Rod too please? Rumors are she's cheating as well (with Lenny Kravitz)...and who knows, maybe she cheated first? But, you know, since she's not a professional athlete, no one is following her around with a camera to find her with a stripper.

BRING ME HER UTERUS!!!

Redhead said...

mr. t: Nope, I still don't have a problem with it. It's no less disgusting when a woman cheats, but I'll admit that since I look at things from a woman's perspective, I wasn't clear that I meant both men and women SHOULD be punished equally. So there.

cobra: Wow, your girlfriend must have loved that conversation. (Oh, and as for the post - I aim to please.)

jill: See everyone - Jill gets it too. Equality to the sexes we say!

paine: Behold dear readers, Bruce Paine - paragon. (Just kidding, I'm jealous as hell.)

Regarding the swingers rumor - I'd heard that one too, but my impression was actually that he was into that, not her (she was never with him when he visited swingers clubs); which, if you think about it, is just good old fashioned cheating.

paine 2: When did I use a racial slur?

cheese: The reason I didn't mention the Lenny Kravitz thing is because I don't really believe they were cheating - that sounds like it was a made up story to me. Still, in the interest of fairness I should have mentioned it. And yes - equality!

John Barleycorn said...

Didn't Dennis Rodman piss in Madonna's vagina?

Bruce Paine said...

you didn't, I was just rolling and didn't want to stop ranting.

MCBias said...

I was bored by most of the A-Rod talk, but a single paragraph made the blog well-worth reading. THANK YOU, thank you, Redhead, for the Madonna takedown. There's a reason why most of her pro pictures are oddly lit or from different angles...she's ugly! (And also weird, and not attractive, and only managed to be famous by various sexual stunts that in retrospect seem rather tame...yep, you got it 100% right.)