As it has been well documented around here (unfortunately), I have a bit of a…crush on Alex Rodriguez; I always have. Shut up. So – considering that I want in his pants – it should come as no surprise to anyone that it turns out he is a complete dog is real life (Madonna? What the fuck?). That’s right, I’m taking partial responsibility here; from the second I saw him (when he was drafted by Seattle), I was attracted to him. In other words: He was doomed from the start.
But (being me), that won’t stop me from having thoughts and opinions on the whole shitstorm that is A-Rod’s personal life right now. So let’s break things down, shall we?
1) First and foremost, I hope his wife metaphorically rips his balls off in this divorce (because she clearly didn’t – literally – rip them off when she should have).
Call it the bitch in me, but I say once you’re married cheating is a castrating offense. Too much? Yeah, well I don’t care. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again – cheating is for the weak, it’s an incredibly hurtful thing to do, and it is 100% unforgivable (in my eyes at least); there are no good excuses people, so don’t even bother trying to come up with them.
Here are the rules (just so we’re clear): If you’re dating someone and find you want to be with someone else, go ahead (but end your relationship first) – hell, we’re all allowed to change our minds when we’re single (that’s why we’re single, we’re still in the ‘being selfish’ stage of our lives). But once you’ve done something crazy like, say, gone in front of all your family and friends to swear fidelity to someone for the rest of you life – well, I’m just going to say you’re shit out of luck if you find (at a later date) that you want to be with someone else. Sorry, keep it in your pants. (Can you tell I tend to see certain issues in terms of black and white? When it comes to this one topic, for me, gray areas don’t exist.)
So having laid out my philosophy on cheating here, it should come as no surprise to anyone that I want Mrs. A-Rod to make her husband hurt right now. A lot. And since hitting him in his wallet is probably as good a way as any to get A-Rod’s attention, well, all I will say is good luck Mrs. A-Rod. Godspeed.
2) A-Rod has the worst taste in women (strippers, strippers, muscular she-men, old chicks, and strippers).
Madonna? Seriously? I have so many thoughts on this. 1) She’s not pretty, she never was. What Madonna did have was sex appeal…about 20 years ago. That chick is 50 now, and newsflash – she looks it. However, she is creepily muscular and we all know A-Rod is into that (shudder), so…um, Mazel Tov. 2) Am I the only one who thinks she’s weird as hell? Anyone? Anyone? 3) Hey, did I mention she’s 50? Cool, I just wanted to make sure. 4) Oh yeah, and she’s married.
Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, let’s move on to the strippers. Umm…yeah – I’ve never gotten the whole ‘I want to sleep with a stripper’ thing. Sure, I get why guys like looking at strippers (hello, naked), but sleeping with one? I don’t know – guys out there, you want to explain this one to me? Let me just say this about the whole topic: From my point of view, his penchant for strippers wouldn’t keep me from enjoying him for a night; it would however keep me from ever wanting more than one night (sorry big guy).
On a side note, the funniest thing I’ve read about A-Rod and his shenanigans recently came from the Boston Herald – let’s have them take it from here:
Houlihan said A-Rod had a couple of shots of tequila and a few Sex on the Beach cocktails, then they went back to A-Rod’s room at the Ritz-Carlton and had sex.
Wow, I don’t care how turned on I am – a man ordering (and then actually drinking) a Sex on the Beach (without irony I’m assuming) would completely kill the mood. And my respect for him. And my need for his dick.
3) But even though I hope Mrs. A-Rod takes her hubby to the cleaners, I do want her to remember that they have kids, and he is their father. So back off in the badmouthing and let him see the kids.
Mrs. A-Rod needs to let A-Rod see his kids (update: it seems like she may be allowing that this weekend…so there you go), and she needs to make her lawyers back off with the public badmouthing. Let me say this much – unless a person is physically or verbally abusive, they should be free to see their kids. Period. And as for the badmouthing…let me tell you a little story. When I was in high school, I used to babysit for a woman down the street. She was going through a divorce and I honestly don’t remember all the details, but I do remember that it was contentious. And she brought it home with her. All the time. She would bitch to me about her ex (in front of her kids). She would get on the phone and bitch to her friends about him (in front of her kids). Hell, she even bitched TO her kids about him! He. Was. Their. Father. This still drives me nuts, all these years later. And you know what – her behavior wasn’t unusual; you see this a lot with divorcing couples.
I guess what I’m trying to say here is you have to be able to separate things in your mind. You may be hurt, pissed, and vindictive towards your ex, but if you have kids, keep it away from them. Just because someone was a shitty spouse, doesn’t mean they were a shitty parent. One of the hardest but most basic truths to being a parent (from what I understand – I've seen some darn good examples in my time) is that it’s a selfless job. Your kids come before yourself, and you need to think of them first.
So Mrs. A-Rod – let Alex see the kids, and tell your legal team to tone it down a bit. I get that you want to destroy him in the court of public opinion, but think of your damn children – they will hear these stories and comments one day. Maybe not now, but trust me they will in the future. And claiming that you’re taking the high road, when your lawyers are doing nothing but talking shit, doesn’t work for me. You chose your representation (and from what I’ve heard you chose people who like to play dirty), so you’re responsible for them. My advice: Tell them to tone it down and keep it in the courtroom.
4) I have the worst taste in men (yes, again it’s all about me).
Yeah, even with the cheating shit, and the horrible taste in women madness (A-Rod, you really, truly, and honestly have the looks and money to do better), I’d still do Alex Rodriguez. It’s like I’ve said in the past – I can’t help myself. I have terrible taste in men, and there’s something about that man in particular that makes me want to see him naked. And touch him. Naked.
This is my problem with men; it’s not that I think all men are assholes – I generally get along better with men than I do with women actually – but I think (and am usually right) that every man I find attractive/sexy/insanely doable is…well, they’re assholes most of the time. It’s like I have a weird radar thingamabob about this. So as I said earlier, A-Rod had practically no chance at being a nice guy – I’ve wanted him for too long.
In related news, I’m still single.
5) A-Rod, call me.
Yeah, yeah – I’m only human! Sure he cheated on his wife (bad boy), and sure he has creepy taste in women, and sure he sounds like he’s kind of an asshole, but he’s SO pretty! And since I have these annoying things called morals, I haven’t actually been able to consider A-Rod realistically for a long time (he was married – I don’t poach). But now that he’s on his way to being single…what?! Are you surprised? I don’t want to marry or even date the guy, but I would definitely…well, you know.
So with that, the moral of this piece is A-Rod is a dick, his wife is pissed (and has every right to be), I hope he gets hosed in court (although I’m sure he’ll do just fine no matter what), he should still be able to see his kids, I have bad taste in men, and because of that I’d still sleep with him even after saying all of the above.
Of course he wouldn’t sleep with me – I’m not beefy or (shockingly) slutty enough. So there you go Jack. My thoughts on A-Rod – ugly but, as always, true.