The Mock Girlfriend

Even with a (more pronounced than usual) attitude problem, I was awesome on Saturday night. I met NY Guy’s friends, did my thing, and walked out knowing I had gotten the job done. How did I do it? Well, I know how to make a good first impression on a group of guys – it’s not that hard. So as a public service, why don’t I share some of my tricks with any of the women (are there any women?) reading this blog.

Some of this stuff is common sense, but it doesn’t hurt to repeat it. And with that, when meeting your man’s friends for the first time:

-Look great. What can I say, whether we want to admit it or not, how we look reflects on our boyfriends. It’s like this: He’s not just hoping that his friends like you – he wants his friends to think you’re hot. That translates into his being able to land the hot chick, his friends being envious, and him feeling like a stud. So it’s important to put the effort in, even if you don’t feel like it or resent having to do it.

-Put the focus on them. They may all know each other and be there to meet you, but you still have to follow the most basic of rules: People like to talk about themselves. So while most of the conversation will just be the usual casual bullshitting, remember to make a point to talk to each guy, ask questions, and actually act interested in their answers. And if you actually know and like sports, use that – it’s the easiest fallback topic there is.

-Only be as affectionate as your man. You want to come across as interested in your guy, but not needy. So if he wants to touch or kiss in front of his friends, you respond (but obviously don’t go overboard). However, you never initiate it.

-Make sure you buy a round. Now the guys are going to be buying most of the drinks, but you don’t want to even appear to be taking advantage. So at some point (not at the very beginning of the night), buy a round for everyone. And DON’T make a big deal out of it. It’s what anyone in the group would do.

-Do not get drunk. You don’t want to sit there all night nursing one drink, but you need to be paying attention. This is not the time to lose control. Still, that doesn't mean they shouldn't get drunk. In fact, you want to get them as drunk as possible – when all is said and done, you’ll seem like you were more fun the more they’ve had to drink.

-Teasing is good – guys respond to teasing. If you’re too polite, it affects the tone. Plus, guys like to joke around. So relax and go with it; they’ll think you’re low maintenance if you can take a little ripping as well as hand it out.

-Don’t complain. About anything. I don’t care how late it is or how tired you are – suck it up for one night. They can all be drunk and acting like assholes, and all you can do is grin and bear it. Although this leads me to…

-Pass judgment. Obviously don’t do this out loud, but this is a great opportunity to learn something about your man. For instance, how many tools are in the bunch? Every guy is allowed one friend who’s a complete dud, but if the number climbs above 2 or 3, you might need to reevaluate things. These guys reflect on your guy – so if he surrounds himself with morons, I suggest cutting your losses and running.

And finally…

-Show confidence. You may be the one on trial here, but don’t act like it. Just be cool and relaxed, don’t look for compliments or put yourself down in any way, and don’t let them push you around. These guys don’t want to alienate their friend any more than you want to alienate his friends, so everyone (hypothetically) should be working toward the same goal – getting along and liking each other. So have fun (it’s not like you have to marry the guy or his friends after one night out) and calm down. At the end of the day, it’s just drinks.