Um…

So I’m wandering around the Internet yesterday (fuck work, I say), and somehow I end up on AskMen.com – OK, I may have been sent there after Googling an athlete. Whatever. Anyway, after doing my obligatory athlete ogling – um, reading – I started looking around. ‘Interesting,’ I thought. ‘And is that…? Yup, they have a Dating & Love section. Do I waste more time and check it out? That’d be a yes.’ (Seriously, what were the odds I wasn’t going to bite?)

I quickly learned that Dating & Love is made up of many different subsets. And one subset instantly got my attention: the Single Guy’s Opinion. ‘Hells yeah,’ I thought. I’m game.

Clicking into the archives, I started reading the titles for previous articles – highlights include: Men Should Lead, Women Should Follow; 6 Ways to Tell Your Girl to Lose Some Weight; 6 Signs She’s Been Around; Break Them Up; Do Women Belong in the Kitchen; and (my personal favorite) Training Your Girlfriend.

Some gems from the Training Your Girlfriend article:

*A girlfriend can make a best friend and ideal companion, but like any bitch (female dog, that is), she needs to be taught how to act around the house. So you have to set the ground rules early by enrolling her in your own private obedience school.

*Common Obedience Problems (Redhead note: I’ve only included what I consider the best of the article here):
-Not fetching
An improperly trained girlfriend doesn't know that she should always bring you a beer without having to be asked.
-Disobedience
Like a dog, she is hard to train. No matter what you want, she always insists on getting her own way, then throws a tantrum or cuts off sex if you oppose her. She's always escaping from the yard to go shopping. And she won't respect your commands ("roll over," "lie down," "play dead").
-Chasing
Girlfriends are naturally attracted to bright, shiny objects (like jewelry) and fast-moving luxury cars. An untrained girlfriend will abandon you and run after any male who happens by with a few baubles and a Porsche.

*Training Your Girlfriend (Redhead note: Again, I narrowed it down to the very best advice given in the training section of the article):
-Don't be afraid to say "no"
As many would believe, girlfriends aren't usually as bright as men, so they typically have to be told more than once. And spank her if she continues to misbehave. If she likes it, spank her a lot.

If you want to read the whole thing, feel free to go here.

Now generally I’d comment on all of this, but I’m going to hold onto my sense of humor here and let it go. Why? Because I refuse to believe this was meant to be serious (please God). What I will comment on is another article I came across. This one has the potential to be sincere, so I figured I’d give my 2 cents. Some are actually good points. Some pissed me off on a level I can’t begin to put into words.

So without further ado, Redhead’s responses to AskMen.com’s The 15 Commandments of Dating:

*Thou shalt not say "I love you"
When it comes down to it, this is your real ace in the hole. There is virtually no jam that these three words cannot get you out of if used correctly. Plus, don't be the first to say it unless it's absolutely necessary, this way you can save the phrase until the time is right.
Redhead: If you’re using those words out of anything other than sincerity, you’re a dick. And trust me, it will come back to haunt you.

*Thou shalt not pay for everything
Let her treat every once in a while (she should volunteer to), save a few bucks, and then you can do something special. But keep in mind that it is customary to pay if you were the one who asked her out.
Redhead: Legitimate advice. I agree wholeheartedly.

*Thou shalt leave the past behind
Don't spend too much time talking about ex-girlfriends. And, if you decide to take her back to your place, make sure to get rid of any incriminating evidence. For example, don't just throw out those Polaroids you took; burn them and feed the ashes to your neighbor's dog.
Redhead: Oh yeah. That’s a rule that applies to women too.

*Thou shalt keep relationship George and independent George separate
If Seinfeld taught us anything, it’s that bad things happen when social worlds collide. You don’t want to ruin any of your current relationships by trying to intermingle the two; it can’t lead to anything good.
Redhead: If you ever find yourself taking relationship advice from Seinfeld, take a moment and rethink your life.

*Thou shalt wear the pants in the relationship
Don't lose the control that you struggled so hard to achieve. Come out of the gate strong and stay that way. Once you let her have the reigns, believe you me, it's all downhill...
Redhead: Fuck you. The woman always wears the pants in the relationship, whether men realize it or not. But if men want to delude themselves, but all means go ahead.

*Thou shalt watch her eating habits
Keep an eye on her portions when eating out and turn away the dessert cart when she goes to the bathroom. If you can keep her from gaining those unwanted pounds, then you won't have to buy her a treadmill for her birthday.
Redhead: I think my head just exploded.

*Thou shalt seek sex at every possible opportunity
"They" say that we think about it every six seconds. So if it's always on our minds, we might as well act on it. Plus, if you get her used to it early on in the relationship, then she might not complain about your insatiable appetite later.
Redhead: I don’t actually have a problem with this one. But a tip to all men out there: Sex is fun – women know this. If she keeps saying no, it may be a sign that you’re not any good at it.

*Thou shalt sign a prenuptial agreement
Get financial and other issues out of the way before you tie the knot and set your mind at ease beforehand. So if she decides to get wild with the postman, you don’t have to worry.
Redhead: This is a different issue for every woman, and circumstances are in play here. Having said that, good luck asking for one (and be prepared for a bad reaction – you’re not showing a lot of faith in the relationship when you throw it out there).

*Thou shalt not treat her like your mother
Don't get the women in your life confused. Your mom made you breakfast and washed your unmentionables. Your woman is there for emotional support and sweet lovemaking.
Redhead: Thank you! Excellent advice. If more men knew this, relationships would go a lot easier.

*Thou shalt not ditch your friends
Your buddies were around before she came into your life and you wouldn't be too happy if they deserted you for a skirt. Plus, who is going to take you to the strip club to cheer you up if she breaks your heart?
Redhead: True enough.

*Thou shalt not change who you are
If she wasn't happy with who you were when you met, then she should have split then. Plus, no matter how much of a pig you are, there's always someone who will be into you.
Redhead: That’s not necessarily true, but I appreciate the sentiment. Still, let me quote a book I’m reading right now: “I’ve heard men are like fine wine. They begin as grapes, and it’s up to women to stomp the shit out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.” Yup.

*Thou shalt not try to change her
Same applies to you. If there are things about her that you know will get on your nerves in a short while, get rid of her and find someone you can be happy with.
Redhead: This is…true.

*Thou shalt not flirt with other women in front of her
As a general rule of thumb, before you flirt with another woman, make sure you are in another area code. And, if you do talk about other women, make sure they "don't compare to you, honey." There are some lies women simply thrive on.
Redhead: Great. Glad those are lies. But be aware that your woman will then flirt with other men to get back at you – and she’s probably going to be the one to have more success. So happy flirting.

*Thou shalt not speak of money
She doesn't need to know what your pay stub looks like until you are good and ready. Keeping your finances under wraps will help you figure out if she's a gold digger. This way you'll figure out if she actually likes you.
Redhead: Yeah, whatever. I understand what’s being said here, but sometimes we just want some basic information – it’s not necessarily a deal breaker, but it’s nice to know what we’re getting ourselves into. And now go ahead and call us shallow; see if we care

*Thou shalt not kiss too much butt
Stay strong but let her know you love her in subtle ways. Compliment her every once in a while and make the occasional compromise, but don't turn into a sniveling worm. Keep your priorities balanced and all will be well.
Redhead: You don’t want to be pussy whipped – she’ll never respect you if you are – but at least one compliment a day is NOT too much. In fact, it’s a good rule of thumb to throw something nice at her every single day. Trust me, she won’t be complaining.