Friday, July 20, 2007

Babies Are the Best

As many of you know from my last post, I have been helping take care of my youngest nephew this week – here’s a running diary of one night with him:

6:15: Just got home from work (totally skipped out earlier than I should have) – time to feed the little man dinner. Hmmm, applesauce. OK, open your mouth. No, open. Come on, what can I do to get you to open your mouth? Can I just push the spoon in? Is that child abuse?

6:17: OK, this is ridiculous. Ooh, look – it’s a plane flying in, “Zoom.” That’s it, watch the plane flying above you. Now open…yup, that worked.

6:18: No, don’t spit it out! Dude, we worked so hard to get that in you.

6:19: Open.

6:20: Please open your mouth.

6:21: Please?

6:23: Oh come on! It can’t be that bad – we’re talking applesauce here. Who doesn’t like applesauce? Sniff. It smells OK. Maybe I’ll just sneak a bite to check…wow, that stuff is good. “Seriously, if you don’t eat it I will,” I tell him. He stares at me – maybe he’s considering his options.

6:24: OK, maybe he dislikes airplane food as much as I do. Let’s try a racecar instead – “Vroom, vroom” I rumble as I race the spoon past his mouth, then turn around and come back in for the kill (Note: I feel like an idiot). Success – who cares if I’m an idiot! Wait…nope, he’s spitting half of it out again.

6:29: Sigh. This is taking a while. Half goes in, half comes out. I’ve stopped even attempting to wipe his face after each bite anymore. Apparently solids are going to take a bit more time to get used to. Good thing it’s almost bathtime.

6:32: That’s it, I give up on feeding you – the rest of your sustenance is coming from a bottle tonight. And you know what that means? Time for your bath! Let’s get you out of that high chair.

6:33: Wait, how do I get the table thingy off so I can get you out? WTF? Fucking childproof… Oh yeah, there it is. OK, up we go. Let’s get the water running.

6:34: Why is it so hard to get you in and out of clothes? I always feel like I’m going to dislocate your shoulder or something. Never mind - success! I rule.

6:35: Now, into your little reclining chair thingy in the tub. Ah, doesn’t this water feel good? There’s the smile I love; you like your bath don’t you? Thank God you’re not screaming like your brother used to.

6:36: Wait, what are you doing? Are you peeing?! In your bathwater? Agh, where the washcloth?

6:37: Apparently you need to be covered even in the bath – who knew? It must be nice to feel like you have to pee and just do it. If I did that it could get very embarrassing.

6:42: So, which towel do we want? The one with the elephant hood thingie? Yeah, I think so too. OK, off to find you something to wear to bed and to prepare your bottle.

6:44: Hmmm, why are diapers so hard for me yet everyone else makes changing them look so easy? Ah well, just another mystery of the universe.

6:46: Wait, I was supposed to rub cream all over you before putting on the diaper, wasn’t I? Shit.

6:48: No problem – I have everything under control. Now, how about the sleeveless wife beater looking onesie for bed? It’ll make you look like a badass.

6:50: Actually, you look more cold than tough. Maybe something with a short sleeve instead. Let’s see what you have…wow, you have more clothes than I do.

6:52: OK, look at us just rolling along. When I’m done with you I am going to have a large drink. Yes I am! Yes I am! God you’re cute when you laugh. Now, let’s go play for a little while before bedtime.

6:54: The dog walks over, sniffs the baby, and gives him a huge lick. Ummm….oh good, he’s laughing.

6:55: “No, no, no – we don’t grab the doggie’s ear.”

7:00: Happiest baby in the world – he won’t stop smiling. My mom’s take on the whole thing: “He almost looks like he’s on drugs.” Nice mom.

7:05: Or, maybe he’s not the happiest baby ever. Wow, babies can scream when they want to – damn. “I think he’s ready for bed.”

7:07: Trudge upstairs and sit on the couch in the baby’s room. Turn down the lights (God that’s relaxing – don’t fall asleep!), and begin to attempt to give him his bottle.

7:09: End attempt. I guess he didn’t need the bottle since he’s out cold. Nice. Place him in the crib and quietly tiptoe out of the room and go downstairs for my drink. I think I've earned this reward thank you very much.

8:05: Dad’s home and dinner’s ready – good, I’m starving. Shit, is that…”I’ve got it,” I practically whimper (so hungry) and stand up from the table. It’s all my fault, I should have gotten that bottle in him before he fell asleep.

8:11: Why doesn’t he understand he’s cranky because he’s hungry? Trust me, you want this bottle.

8:15: What’s the problem here? Is your diaper wet? I am NOT sticking my finger in there to check like my mother does. We’ll just have to take it off to check.

8:17: Jesus, how can such a little body hold that much fluid?

8:19: Ah, now you’re hungry. I’m getting it – slowly but surely. Wait, is that a rash on your face? Is that where the dog licked you? Shit. Uh…let’s not tell your parents about this.

8:20: God I’m tired. And starving. “Are you guys eating without me?” I ask the monitor. Shockingly, it doesn’t answer back – damn one-way communication. I can just picture my parents downstairs laughing over my plight as they’re eating. They’re probably down there thinking ‘Sucker!’

8:34: Nice, he’s out again. Sneak downstairs to eat a cold meal with my parents – aw, they waited for me.

9:15: Passed out in the den.

10:00: Shit, I should go up to bed. Mom gets the monitor, I get my bedroom which is near the baby’s. Guess who always hears him first?

1:48: No! If I ignore him, will he stop?

1:49: Stumble blindly into the baby’s room and pick him up. My mother stumbles in after me, mumbles something about getting a bottle ready, and leaves. I try not to breathe – “Whew, you stink buddy.”

1:50: I should change his diaper. Nah, I’ll just wait until my mom comes back – not up for that kind of horror right now. I rock him and give him kisses instead.

1:52: Mom comes back. “You change him,” I say, handing him over. I then lean back on the couch and…yup, I pass out.

1:55: “Why don’t you go back to bed, I can feed him,” my mother says, waking me. Shit, did I fall asleep? I’m crappy at this. “No,” I reply. “You had him all day – I’ve got it.” “Are you sure,” she asks? So tempted to leave it up to her, but… “No, I’ve got it.”

1:57: Mom’s goes back to bed, and I settle in to feed the little man. He kind of looks like he’s asleep while he’s eating. I’d like to try that.

2:03: This much drooling can’t be normal.

2:20: Gently place the baby back in his crib, and stumble out of the room. Those two stairs between his room and mine? Don’t see them. Take a face plant in the hallway. Fuck that hurt.

2:22: The two stairs in my bedroom? Don’t seem them. Take ANOTHER face plant. At least this time the floor is carpeted.

2:30: Blissfully asleep.

5:30: No! If I ignore him, will he stop?

5:37: Fuck! Oh wait, that’s my alarm not the baby. Thank God. Shit, this commuting into the city thing SUCKS.

6:30: Showered, dressed, ready to go. He’s not even up to say goodbye – makes sense; he must be exhausted after the night he had. Need…coffee.

UPDATE: Hey everyone, as you probably know by now I'm a little (massive understatement) upset about the recent Michael Vick situation, and when I mentioned it here it seemed that a lot of you agreed. Anyway, I just found out that the Humane Society is soliciting donations here to help the dogs that were recovered from Vick's property. I just gave, and I thought if any of you were interested in helping out I'd make it easy and provide you with a link. Thanks.


Anonymous said...
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TK said...

Jesus, you're a trooper. Babies, while adorable, are terrifying to me. But who knew you could be so motherly? It kind of sweet. And kind of frightening.

More frightening, I think.

Redhead said...

Hey, I can be loving when I want to be - I just rarely want to be. But with my nephews, well I gave up being tough the second I saw them.

Oh, and you get over being scared of them - trust me. I was terrified when my first nephew was born - I'd never even held a kid before; I was sure I was going to drop him - but you kind of figure it out. So no need to be scared...pussy.

glassyarddog said...

That made me chuckle out loud, thanks.

Reminds me of the good old days with my boys. Glad I don't have to feed, burp and change them anymore. They'll be doing that for me soon enough.

Jumpshootingfool said...

Ahh---the dumping of all the boyfriends makes sense now!
Makes you wonder how mothers can do that routine day after day. There's 7 kids in my family, so my mother was either a saint or crazy. Maybe a little of both...

Redhead said...

glassyarddog: Ah the circle of life.

jumpshootingfool: You know, my mother has been exhausted this week (as have I), and she raised 3 kids. She says it's different when they're your own (since this is way harder than she remembers). As for me - I think she's trying to give me false confidence so I will one day give her grandchildren.

One More Dying Quail said...

As a new dad, I have no comment on that running diary. Why? Because it scares me. I dread the day we have to start giving him actual food.

As for the Vick dogs...I'll be curious to see what happens to them. Soon after the initial raid, there was a news story about how animals that are used in dog-fighting are usually destroyed because they have been bred for that purpose and are unsafe to keep as pets (that seems ridiculous to me, but it's what the story said). Hopefully that doesn't happen in this case - seems kinda dumb to me.

Anonymous said...
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Redhead said...

Congratulations on the baby! I say don't panic - looking back, my brother and sister-in-law said having just one baby was totally doable (exhausting but fine), it's having two that's insane. And they only started nephew #2 on solid food two weeks ago, so I'm sure it will get easier (right?).

I think the humane society monitors the dogs to see how aggressive they are - I do know that they try not to put down dogs unless they feel it's necessary. For now they are definitly trying to save as many as possible, and since I'm a total sucker for dogs and the humane society (this case has just exacerbated the situation) I gave way more than I should have. I also forwarded the link to everyone I know (yes, I was that person) - hopefully enough people will reach out to show these dogs what love and kindness really is.

Wow, I am so sappy today.

TK said...

Nothing to be ashamed of... the Vick case makes me sick. As you can probably guess by the menagerie that is my home, animal mistreatment is a sore spot for me.

What sucks is that I just visited a friend who has a sweet, beautiful, friendly pit bull, and shitheads like Vick are responsible for the bad name those dogs have.

So thanks for the link, I'll be donating as well. Then I'll give my pups a kiss on the nose.

Alright, enough with the sappy, let's get back to the bitchy.

Manny said...

This was aweSOME!

Redhead said...

tk: Every pit bull I've ever met has been sweet as can be AND adorable - it is horrible how these stories somehow affect the breed adversely.

manny: Thank you!

onthevirg said...

Faceplant = Comedy gold. To bad there wasn't video of that.

Kids, you can keep em. I've got 6 nephews and they're great for a limited amount of time. They're just too demanding, messy, often annoying, etc. I'll never be in the kid camp because honestly, they're just too much damn work. And I'm lazy. And too selfish.

That's the problem with "aggressive" dogs. It's the people that raise these dogs to be that way, not the breed itself. Any animal raised wrong (much like kids), is going to be a problem. BTW, fuck Michael Vick.