Friday, July 13, 2007

Would You Rather…

OK, it may seem like I’m taking yet another idea for a post from an unsuspecting blogger (that’s two this week if you’re keeping count), but I just want to say that that’s not true. This time my stealing of ideas was completely unintentional. You see what happened was, I was over at Hobocamp a couple of days ago when I innocently followed a link Meg had put up. It seems she had written a post for another blog – Burt Reynolds’ Mustache – and I was curious enough (and bored enough – it’s been a weird week at work) to follow it. So I moseyed on over there and read what she had posted, and it gave me a great idea.

Essentially, her post included a lot of those ‘Would you rather…’ statements, along with her answers. Since I love those (and again, I was really bored at work and trying to fill the time), I though up a few of my own and emailed them to a bunch of friends. I figured they could at least entertain me while I was bored – that’s part of a friend’s job, right? And I had NO PLANS to use any of it for my blog.

Anyway, I’m happy to say that my friends came through. Big time. Before I knew it, we were all sending each other ‘Would you rathers…’ The rules were basic – you had to answer any ‘Would you rather…’ that was sent your way, and you had to copy everyone on your answers. Then we were all free to comment (or in our case mock) the answers. It was awesome! AND surprisingly informative (I actually learned some things – scary things – about a few of my friends this past week).

Still, that was all just a lead-in to explaining today’s post. You see, when I was trying to figure out what to write about, I thought to myself: Why put in the effort of creating something totally new and original (especially when I just got a really good book that I desperately want to finish), when I can just throw together a quick intro for my readers, then simply cut and paste my ‘Would you rathers…’ to make up the bulk of the post? (You don’t get to see my friends’ – so don’t ask.) So I did it.

And with that being said, here are the ‘Would you rather…’ questions my friends chose to ask me (we all got different ones), along with my answers:

Would you rather…

…have and orgasm every five years OR have an orgasm every five minutes?
Redhead: Oh shit, what a question. Well…fuck, every five minutes? That means I would be having them at work. And (shudder) in front of my parents. I’d never be able to go home again! But Good Fucking God! FIVE YEARS?! Ugh. Alright, I’m choosing an orgasm every five years over every five minutes, but I want to point out I’m doing this under duress.

…marry an ugly billionaire OR marry a hot poor person?
Redhead: Does it have to be one or the other? Can I maybe marry the billionaire for a few years, then divorce him for a few mil and THEN marry the hot poor person? And is the poor person poor because he’s lazy or because he’s stupid – because I can't deal with stupid. Um, OK how shallow does it make me if I choose the ugly billionaire? Keep in mind he’s ugly and I’d still be willing to marry him, so I’m not completely shallow. Fuck, you guys already know the answer – I’m a spoiled brat and I’m going to choose the billionaire. But I do want to point out that nothing was mentioned in here about loving either, so it makes sense to treat this purely as a business decision.

…be trapped in cage with a lion OR be thrown in a tank with a shark?
Redhead: Wow, those both suck (but I guess that’s the point). Alright, I love the water and I think sharks are cool as hell, but Jaws fucked me up when it comes to the idea of swimming with them. And while I’m not exactly psyched at the thought of hanging out with a lion in a cage, I think I might – if I stay very still and don’t speak – have a chance of living. Am I completely delusional here?

…live in a mansion in the middle of nowhere OR live in an apartment with 10 friends?
Redhead: Oh sure, make me feel bad. Look, I love you guys (Ed. Note: Remember, I was talking to my friends), but I HATE living with people; that’s why I pay way more rent than I can afford to live alone. YOU KNOW THAT! Living in a mansion in the middle of nowhere sounds great to me – no one can do antisocial like I can. But living with 10 friends…fuck, that sounds like hell. I’d want to kill everyone within a week. And if you think about it the friendships would be screwed at that point anyway. So it’s really a no brainer. Um, forgive me?

…have the ability to read people’s thoughts OR make yourself invisible?
Redhead: Read people’s thoughts. It would make life so much easier, and I don’t get insulted easily (as you know), so the risk of finding out someone doesn’t really like me isn’t an issue. Plus, for whatever reason I don’t feel morally opposed to reading people minds, but the thought of spying on people – which I would totally do if I was invisible (wouldn’t be able to help myself) – just seems wrong.

…save a sibling OR save yourself in a fire?
Redhead: Easy, save a sibling. Next.

…control your own destiny OR control a person you hate’s destiny?
Redhead: Ooh, this one’s yummy. Do I want to guarantee only good things happening to me for the rest of my life, or embrace my inner bitch and destroy someone else? Hmmm…this shouldn’t be such a hard decision, I know. I should (of course) simply choose controlling my own destiny. BUT I would so like the opportunity to fuck with someone else on a cosmic level – even just for a little while. Especially someone I hated. Still…alright, FINE. I’d choose controlling my own destiny. Barely.

…be the most popular sports star ever but only make minimum wage OR be the most hated sports star ever but make millions of dollars a year?
Redhead: Shit, my answer is going to sound bad, but…yeah, I’d rather be hated and rich. I mean, we’re implying that it’s the general public that hates me, and what the fuck do I care about them? That doesn’t mean my family would hate me or anything, right? And I could afford bodyguards to protect me from any physical harm. So yeah, general adoration is not something I really need (although of course it would be nice). While money really does come in handy when doing things like paying bills, etc. So I’m going with that. (Does this make me a bad person?)

…have sex with a really fat person OR a really old person?
Redhead: Jesus Christ! Nice visual guys! Well…I think I’d feel like I was taking advantage of an old person. Plus, I wouldn’t want to break them (a very real possibility if they’re super old). Weird as it may seem to say this, I like old people too much to ever want to have sex with one. (Yeah, that did sound really, really, really weird.) But a really fat person, well, I wouldn’t like it, but I could handle it if I had to. (Wow, I really am going to hell now, aren’t I?)

…find your parents having sex OR have you parents find you having sex?
Redhead: …why? WHY WOULD YOU EVEN PUT THAT THOUGHT IN MY HEAD?!?! I don’t want to answer this – do I have to? (Ed. Note: Yes, I had to.) Shit, okay – we’re talking parents, plural? So my dad would also be catching me having sex? Nope, nuh uh. Not going to happen. Ever. I would die if that happened. But catching my parents…fuck, I’m going to be having nightmares for YEARS because of this question, and we’re just talking in hypotheticals. OK, shit, if I actually SAW anything…damn, I’m going with option #3 – kill myself and spare us all.

And on that lovely note, have a great weekend everyone!


A Lover and a Fighter said...

Ohmygosh, i'm ready. Go:

1)I choose five years too, but for slightly different reasons. If it happened every five minutes, I'm worried that I'd become desensitized to them and then I'd get to the point where I'd just not get sexual pleasure from anything or anyone, you know?

2) I can deal with ugly. He can buy hisself some plastic surgery. Also, is one of them more boring than the other one? Because if my husband can't make me laugh I'm leaving him.

3)I agree with redhead. For the third time. I am not a strong enough swimmer to make this whole fight a shark in a tank thing work.

4)Redhead is right again. I will take the mansion and have lots of fabulous dinner parties.

5) I will read people's thoughts. That is far more useful, seeing as how I'm not a professional spy. Or voyeur.

6) I'd save my brother in a heartbeat.

7) I'd control my destiny because I don't have the attention span for someone else's destiny.

8)I don't mind being hated.

9)Once in college, my friend bought me a gag gift of obesity porn. Life in the Fat lane. Still, I'd have icky issues with geriatric sex, so I'm going to bang a fatty.

10)Considering my parents have been divorced for 20+ years, it'd be WAY WEIRDER to find them doing it. Plus, if they catch me having sex, it means i'm HAVING SEX! Woo!

These were fun! I just love this game.

Redhead said...

Great minds think alike.

Oh, and Life in the Fat Lane? Best. Gift. Ever.

TK said...

Fuck it, it's a slow day:

1. Um... five minutes? That's unfair for guys, because of the mess (sorry)... but... there's no way I'm waiting five years.

2. Hot and poor. I make decent money, we'll be ok.

3. Shark. Grab on to the fin and hope for the best. Lions have sharp points everywhere. Plus, I'm an excellent swimmer.

4. I live in the middle of nowhere already. Might as well have a mansion.

5. Invisible. Next question.

6. Oh, fuck. FINE. I'll save my goddamn sister. But I won't be happy about it, and I will haunt her EVERY FUCKING DAY.

7. Definitely my own destiny. There's no one I hate enough to make it worthwhile.

8. I'll be popular and make a ton on endorsement deals.

9. Um... not to sound like an asshole, but... how fat is fat? And how old is old? Oh, God. FuckitI'llgowithfat.

10. Oh, shit. Both of those things have already happened (yes, my life is fucking cursed!) Both were traumatic, but walking in on my parents was worse.

I hate this game.

Redhead said...

tk: Um, where to begin...ok:
#3: I'm an excellent swimmer too, but I still don't think I can take down a shark - if you can, I'm more than impressed.
#8: I was assuming minimum wage covered endorsement deals too in this scenario - it's either popular and broke or unpopular and rich, those are your choices (no outwitting this thing).
#10: Holy fucking shit, I'm...I'm...I'm so sorry. I don't think I can even continue to give you a hard time right now. That's just about the worst thing I've ever heard. All I can think to say is: Doesn't anyone in your family ever LOCK THE DOORS?

TK said...

OK then... on #8 - I'm still going popular and broke. I'll marry some crazy-rich chick who's shit-hot. Because I'm an athlete and popular, so it shouldn't be too difficult.

And #10 - that's kind of a long story... It's actually a couple of long stories. Let me leave you with this bit of nightmare - my parents walked in on me, we weren't having sex, but we weren't reading the bible, either. And I've walked in on my parents not once. Not twice. BUT THREE TIMES. They're very... um... affectionate.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go lock myself in the trunk of my car and vomit/cry 'til I pass out.

Redhead said...

Three times!?! Unless they were going at it on the kitchen table or something at least two of those times, that doesn't make sense. There's affectionate (hell, my parents still hold hands all the time and kiss, but I've NEVER SEEN...nevermind). *Deep breath*

Wow dude - if I were you I would freaking stomp around whenever I was at my parents' house (so they could hear me), and check for weird noises BEFORE entering any rooms (so I couldn't be surprised or anything). Oh, and if none of that worked, I'd stop visiting entirely. You're a strong man TK that you lived through that.

Three times.

TK said...

Silly little Redhead... these times weren't when I was visiting them! No, these were times when I LIVED WITH THEM. Pretty much all between the ages of 15-19 And yes, I did learn to stomp around.

Ah, you're not gonna ask me to write a post about this, are you?

Redhead said...

Fuck no! You have my blessing to banish it from your mind forever - even I'm not that mean.

onthevirg said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
onthevirg said...

Screw it, I'm going on a work strike so I'll play along too:

#1 - Well I already...never mind. Every 5 minutes wouldn't be that much of a schedule changer anyway.

#2 - Poor and hot. Cause she's hot and well...if she's poor than I'm gonna look like a high roller right?

#3 - Shark tank. Like my chances of getting out of the tank alive better. Cage = no way out.

#4 - Mansion. I can always have friends over. Living w/ that many people, no matter how cool, would get old quick.

#5 - Invisible. Just think of all the hijinks I could perpetrate. Muah ha ha haaaaa

#6 - Sibling. Cause they'd do it for me.

#7 - Most popular. I'd happily play 10 years making the MLB minimum. That's still solid coin. Plus I like TK's theory.

#8 - Like TK said, how old is old? Cause one guy's old person might be another guy's cougar. But if we're talking some 70 year. Hellloooo Tubby.

#9 - I've also had the pleasure of both of these things happening. Though in the reverse of TK, I've been busted by my parents several times while only catching them once. Thank the Lord.

Redhead said...

What is with you people? Seriously, LOCK THE DOOR. How hard is this? Avoiding a psychologically scarring incident like walking in on a family member/being walked in on is worth the time it takes to FLIP THE LOCK. Trust me.

Wow, I'm so tired I'm seeing double today.

TK said...

Jesus, I lived in a house in the suburbs, not a government facility. We didn't have locks on the damn doors. Oh, did I mention one of the times I walking in on my parents I had a friend with me? And they were on the living room couch?

Yeah. You'll take that to your grave, as will I.

Redhead said...

Um, tk? I don't know how to tell you this, but if your parents were going at it on the living room couch at a time when you could even potentially THINK about coming home with a friend, I'm guessing there's a chance they wanted to get caught. Sorry.

(Ducking out of the way of any mental darts/bombs/bullets you may be throwing my way.)

TK said...

NO! No, see... we were going out, but came home early, and...

Shut up.

I hate you.

Now if you don't mind, I'm going to go cry in the shower.

Anonymous said...

HA! This is the best comment thread ever. You two are so fucking funny.

#1. Arg. I'd go with every five minutes. I can't IMAGINE going 5 LONG YEARS!! Geez. I would probably kill myself after just a month without it...

#2. I'm going with hot poor person, because I already married him. Best decision ever.

#3. I have a horrible fear of sharks (as in, when I was young I thought they would chew their way from the ocean to whatever body of water I was currently inhabiting, and I would scare the shit out of myself, scream, and swim for land) so I guess I would go with the lion. Dammit. It would give me that chance to try my Alpha animal stare that I've been testing on my little brother my whole life. Although it doesn't work on him anymore...

#4. mansion. with a housekeeper.

#5. hmmm, i think be invisible. i could care less about other people's thoughts, unless they are about me, and i fear that if i could read minds, i would be sorely dissapointed in the lack of reading material.

#6. well, more likely it would be my brother saving me, but hells yeah I'd save that bitch, and then haunt him as well :)

#7. I already believe that i can control my own destiny, so i'm fucking with someone, dammit. i mean, as long as karma is not involved. it's constant entertainment!

#8. most hated and make a bundle, for sure. people already hate me, and they don't even know me!

#9. if we're talking harrison ford old, then old person. actually, i think i'd go for old, period. a really really fat person, i might not be able to find the equipment, and that would just make me vomit in their fat rolls. gah!

#10. my dad walked in on me. it was obvious. it was horrendous. but since i lived through it, i would choose them finding me, and not the other way around. i think my boyfriend at the time was actually more scarred than i was. i kept thinking how funny it was that he lost his erection so quickly...

i'm a mean betch, i know.

fun post red!!

Redhead said...

#1- I said I made my choice under duress.
#3- I'll never look at sharks the same way again - so funny.
#5- Outstanding point.
#7- Finally someone understands what I'm talking about - the entertainment factor with fucking with someone would be huge.
#9- Ewwww. Actually, I was thinking like 80 and over old, not still playing Indiana Jones old. Still, after the visual you just gave...
#10- (Horrified silence)