OK, it may seem like I’m taking yet another idea for a post from an unsuspecting blogger (that’s two this week if you’re keeping count), but I just want to say that that’s not true. This time my stealing of ideas was completely unintentional. You see what happened was, I was over at Hobocamp a couple of days ago when I innocently followed a link Meg had put up. It seems she had written a post for another blog – Burt Reynolds’ Mustache – and I was curious enough (and bored enough – it’s been a weird week at work) to follow it. So I moseyed on over there and read what she had posted, and it gave me a great idea.
Essentially, her post included a lot of those ‘Would you rather…’ statements, along with her answers. Since I love those (and again, I was really bored at work and trying to fill the time), I though up a few of my own and emailed them to a bunch of friends. I figured they could at least entertain me while I was bored – that’s part of a friend’s job, right? And I had NO PLANS to use any of it for my blog.
Anyway, I’m happy to say that my friends came through. Big time. Before I knew it, we were all sending each other ‘Would you rathers…’ The rules were basic – you had to answer any ‘Would you rather…’ that was sent your way, and you had to copy everyone on your answers. Then we were all free to comment (or in our case mock) the answers. It was awesome! AND surprisingly informative (I actually learned some things – scary things – about a few of my friends this past week).
Still, that was all just a lead-in to explaining today’s post. You see, when I was trying to figure out what to write about, I thought to myself: Why put in the effort of creating something totally new and original (especially when I just got a really good book that I desperately want to finish), when I can just throw together a quick intro for my readers, then simply cut and paste my ‘Would you rathers…’ to make up the bulk of the post? (You don’t get to see my friends’ – so don’t ask.) So I did it.
And with that being said, here are the ‘Would you rather…’ questions my friends chose to ask me (we all got different ones), along with my answers:
Would you rather…
…have and orgasm every five years OR have an orgasm every five minutes?
Redhead: Oh shit, what a question. Well…fuck, every five minutes? That means I would be having them at work. And (shudder) in front of my parents. I’d never be able to go home again! But Good Fucking God! FIVE YEARS?! Ugh. Alright, I’m choosing an orgasm every five years over every five minutes, but I want to point out I’m doing this under duress.
…marry an ugly billionaire OR marry a hot poor person?
Redhead: Does it have to be one or the other? Can I maybe marry the billionaire for a few years, then divorce him for a few mil and THEN marry the hot poor person? And is the poor person poor because he’s lazy or because he’s stupid – because I can't deal with stupid. Um, OK how shallow does it make me if I choose the ugly billionaire? Keep in mind he’s ugly and I’d still be willing to marry him, so I’m not completely shallow. Fuck, you guys already know the answer – I’m a spoiled brat and I’m going to choose the billionaire. But I do want to point out that nothing was mentioned in here about loving either, so it makes sense to treat this purely as a business decision.
…be trapped in cage with a lion OR be thrown in a tank with a shark?
Redhead: Wow, those both suck (but I guess that’s the point). Alright, I love the water and I think sharks are cool as hell, but Jaws fucked me up when it comes to the idea of swimming with them. And while I’m not exactly psyched at the thought of hanging out with a lion in a cage, I think I might – if I stay very still and don’t speak – have a chance of living. Am I completely delusional here?
…live in a mansion in the middle of nowhere OR live in an apartment with 10 friends?
Redhead: Oh sure, make me feel bad. Look, I love you guys (Ed. Note: Remember, I was talking to my friends), but I HATE living with people; that’s why I pay way more rent than I can afford to live alone. YOU KNOW THAT! Living in a mansion in the middle of nowhere sounds great to me – no one can do antisocial like I can. But living with 10 friends…fuck, that sounds like hell. I’d want to kill everyone within a week. And if you think about it the friendships would be screwed at that point anyway. So it’s really a no brainer. Um, forgive me?
…have the ability to read people’s thoughts OR make yourself invisible?
Redhead: Read people’s thoughts. It would make life so much easier, and I don’t get insulted easily (as you know), so the risk of finding out someone doesn’t really like me isn’t an issue. Plus, for whatever reason I don’t feel morally opposed to reading people minds, but the thought of spying on people – which I would totally do if I was invisible (wouldn’t be able to help myself) – just seems wrong.
…save a sibling OR save yourself in a fire?
Redhead: Easy, save a sibling. Next.
…control your own destiny OR control a person you hate’s destiny?
Redhead: Ooh, this one’s yummy. Do I want to guarantee only good things happening to me for the rest of my life, or embrace my inner bitch and destroy someone else? Hmmm…this shouldn’t be such a hard decision, I know. I should (of course) simply choose controlling my own destiny. BUT I would so like the opportunity to fuck with someone else on a cosmic level – even just for a little while. Especially someone I hated. Still…alright, FINE. I’d choose controlling my own destiny. Barely.
…be the most popular sports star ever but only make minimum wage OR be the most hated sports star ever but make millions of dollars a year?
Redhead: Shit, my answer is going to sound bad, but…yeah, I’d rather be hated and rich. I mean, we’re implying that it’s the general public that hates me, and what the fuck do I care about them? That doesn’t mean my family would hate me or anything, right? And I could afford bodyguards to protect me from any physical harm. So yeah, general adoration is not something I really need (although of course it would be nice). While money really does come in handy when doing things like paying bills, etc. So I’m going with that. (Does this make me a bad person?)
…have sex with a really fat person OR a really old person?
Redhead: Jesus Christ! Nice visual guys! Well…I think I’d feel like I was taking advantage of an old person. Plus, I wouldn’t want to break them (a very real possibility if they’re super old). Weird as it may seem to say this, I like old people too much to ever want to have sex with one. (Yeah, that did sound really, really, really weird.) But a really fat person, well, I wouldn’t like it, but I could handle it if I had to. (Wow, I really am going to hell now, aren’t I?)
…find your parents having sex OR have you parents find you having sex?
Redhead: …why? WHY WOULD YOU EVEN PUT THAT THOUGHT IN MY HEAD?!?! I don’t want to answer this – do I have to? (Ed. Note: Yes, I had to.) Shit, okay – we’re talking parents, plural? So my dad would also be catching me having sex? Nope, nuh uh. Not going to happen. Ever. I would die if that happened. But catching my parents…fuck, I’m going to be having nightmares for YEARS because of this question, and we’re just talking in hypotheticals. OK, shit, if I actually SAW anything…damn, I’m going with option #3 – kill myself and spare us all.
And on that lovely note, have a great weekend everyone!