I Seem to Be in a Good Mood

I’m sorry dear readers, it seems I’ve been neglecting you…again (blame Ronaldo’s abs, I can’t seem to focus on much else while the Euro’s are going on). And while I keep meaning to write about an article I read in last Sunday’s New York Times, well, let’s just say I haven’t found the time to do that yet. So to tide us all over until I get my head out of my ass, here is a little more Random Redhead to carry us into the weekend:

-While visiting my sister in DC last weekend, we were in the middle of discussing how much nicer the Metro is than the NYC Subway system when we hit something. I’m not sure what it was (it made a loud noise, rocked the train, and sent sparks up outside the windows), but as for what it was…nope, I still have no idea. But the point I’m trying to make here is that this little incident barely slowed the Metro down. I’m talking true efficiency here people! (Yes, I realize some people would be concerned about this sort of incident, but as a person who takes a lot of public transportation I can say it really is all about just getting to your destination – accidents, fires, whatever along the way are just distractions.) Ooh, speaking of fires I think there was one!

Yeah, so after the thump, sparks, and ‘what the fuck was that?’ we pulled into the next station. Realizing that whatever had just happened had knocked out the A/C in our car (and it was fucking HOT out that day), we stepped out onto the platform - not to let this train go and get on another one (although some people did – pussies) - no we got out to move to another car WITH A/C. And that’s when we realized that the entire back of the train was sort of enveloped in smoke. Hmmmm. Not ones to panic, Sister and I just headed towards the front of the train (an air-conditioned car of course) to sit down and wait out the delay. And let me just say it didn’t even take them a long time to get moving again! We were pulling out within 15 minutes or so.

So with that ringing endorsement, I tell you people this – the DC Metro is the way to go.

-Oh, funniest moment of the weekend – so we’re coming out of the Metro late Friday night, and there is a dude who is obviously drunk walking in front of us singing. Pretty normal, right? Well, sort of – the problem here was that he was singing ‘You Oughta Know’ by Alanis Morissette. Kind of an odd choice, right? I mean, isn’t that pretty much the LAST song a guy would choose to sing, like, ever? And to think that this guy, obviously drunk, surrounded by a group of buddies, got the idea in his head (and deduced that it was a good idea - you know, since he went ahead with it) to pull out the most pissed off, scorned woman song of the last 20 years to sing, and actually belted that motherfucker out… Yeah, it was AWESOME. I love shit like that.

Not surprisingly, I found this endlessly amusing at the time (and still do actually) – I may not have been 100% sober myself then – and almost collapsed on the floor of the station laughing. I mean, I found myself really, really, REALLY wanting to hear him sing the ‘down on you in a theater’ line, but Drunk Guy noticed my amusement before he got to that point (damnit). Instead he decided to change things up entirely so he could serenade me with…’Your Body Is A Wonderland.’ Since Drunk Guy kind of looked like a frat guy (or Frat Guy around here), this song made much more sense coming out of his mouth. But I have to say, Drunk Guy, I liked you so much more when you were singing random angry chick rock.

Still, 2 thumbs up to Drunk Guy and his excellent yet unexpected song choice. I have to say, sometimes life can be so entertaining.

-I start to wonder about myself sometimes. An example: So my grandmother is up visiting my parents (no, that doesn’t stress my mom out at all), and somehow I got roped into dinner and a show on Tuesday night (when NYC was doing a fine imitation of what I imagine Hell feels like – seriously, it’s been REALLY hot here). So after meeting my mom and grandmother at Virgil’s for dinner (yay BBQ even though I’m a freaking vegetarian!), and drinking something called Fall Off the Porch Iced Tea (yum), I found myself sitting through Phantom of the Opera – a show I haven’t seen since high school. Now all of that was fine and was really just a lead-in to what an asshole I am.

So during intermission I’m talking to my mother (sidenote: call me a dork, I don’t care, but I LOVE the music from Phantom), and I guess I came out with this gem about the lead female character in the show ‘She’s a whore.’ I just threw it out there because…well, she’s a little whore who treated the Phantom like shit and I hate that selfish bitch – after all he did for her she freaks out because he’s not HANDSOME enough?! But, yet again, I digress. Anyway, so I tossed my opinion out there and then belatedly remembered that my 87-year-old grandmother was sitting on my other side. And, you know, even I know you’re not supposed to call someone a whore in front of your grandmother. So after taking a moment to compose myself a bit, I turned to offer up an apology to the woman who had raised my very conservative and straightlaced father. Only before I could speak she hit me with, ‘Don’t bother apologizing Redhead, I know what you’re like; you can’t shock me anymore.’

And all I could think was, is that a good thing or a bad thing? Was it an affectionate ‘I know what you’re like’ or a resigned ‘I know what you’re like’? Hmmm, it’s probably best not to overthink this.

-Men, if you’re wearing a suit you cannot – let me repeat that – you CANNOT carry a backpack. Just forget it; if you’re going to dress like an adult then you have to go all the way with it. Briefcase or man-purse, those are your options. OK?

-I send a 20 lb. box of books to my nephews every two months or so, and I’m starting to wonder if maybe I’m overdoing it. I mean I get a lot of books because of my job (and I need to clean out my shelves every…well, two months or so to make room), and I know that supposedly you can never have too many books, but I really am starting to wonder if that’s true.

There was really no point to that last paragraph, it was just rolling around in my head so I decided to share.

-Now I’m getting tired and I need to prepare for a meeting. In the meantime – just because I can’t help myself – here’s another hot as hell picture of Cristiano Ronaldo. (I swear I’m going to get over this crush soon; he’s not even my type! It’s his neck I think. I REALLY want to suck on his neck…um, but not in a weird way.) Enjoy. Or not…whatever.

For All the Ladies (And Some Men) Reading

A quick confession: I love soccer. I can't help myself, soccer (or as they call it everywhere else in the world, football) is an amazing sport. A family favorite, I have sat through - and played in - MANY games throughout my life; the sheer athleticism required to play well never ceases to stagger and impress me. And when you add to that the sheer deliciousness of the men who choose to play the sport (seriously, I have no idea what it is about soccer that draws the hotties, but I long ago embraced the fact that it does)...in fact, my longest and most serious sports crush belongs to a soccer player - Paolo Maldini. I fucking tried to learn Italian because of him! (I met him in real life while in high school, and I full-on panted at first sight...and I wasn't the only female with that reaction.)

Anyway, that was really a long lead-in to saying the Euro Championships are going on right now, and look - hot guys EVERYWHERE! And in honor of the hottest of the hot (seriously, no other word but 'perfect' - physically at least - can be used to describe this man), I give you Cristiano Ronaldo. Yes, he's a pretty boy metrosexual and in so many ways NOT my type, but still...I'm only human people. I'm not BLIND! I mean, good fucking GOD would you look at him without his shirt on?! I just...I just...nope, I can't even form sentences right now. So...um...really good soccer's going on right now. You should watch. Whether for the men or the actual sport (I don't judge); because lord knows I'm going to be mesmerized by both.

I'm an Odd Bird

Things I saw this morning that cracked me up:

-I was walking to the subway and there was this woman a few steps in front of me who was wearing a raincoat. OK, ‘raincoat’ is too simple a description for what she was wearing, and I NEED to give this coat its due. It was…it was just so…SHINY. I mean, it was blindingly, shockingly…um (fuck, I can’t think of another word to use), shiny! I kept looking at it (in all honesty I wasn’t sure I had the power to look away), and it was like this piece of fabric was calling for me to release my inner kitten. I had to consciously restrain myself from trying to bat at her coat in order to watch the light bounce off it as it moved. It was hypnotic really. And just Fucking Awesome!

-Men in tight jeans. It was like a memo went out yesterday to all men in the NY metro area, and they ALL fucking took it seriously! So they dug deep, sifted through their crappy old 80’s gear, and freaking pulled out the tightest, most designerest (note: not a word) jeans they could find. And it was GREAT! I mean, I’m kind of used to emo-looking guys giving the ole tight jeans thing a try, but this morning I actually saw a burly trucker type guy wearing skintight women’s (I think) jeans! And let just tell you, it TOTALLY made my day. That is all.

Things I saw this morning that kind of creeped me out:

-There’s nothing more uncomfortable on the subway than looking up from your seat to find that the man standing in front of you has forgotten to button/zip his fly. You find yourself kind of trying to not look (even though it’s right in your face and how can you NOT look), while scenes from the one episode of Law and Order SVU you ever saw flash through your mind. And then you wonder if you should say something – you know, give them the heads up. But then you think maybe they know, and they’re exhibitionists, and then lord knows what kind of awkward conversation you could get sucked into. So you don’t say anything, but you can’t really concentrate on anything else, and it SO EARLY in the morning that it totally weirds you out, and all you can think is ‘please, please, please don’t let anything pop out.’ But I digress.

Anyway, this morning a guy with a large overhanging belly (and tight jeans of course) was standing in front of me with his fly wide open. I didn’t look…or at least I tried not to (I had to keep peeking to make sure nothing, you know, appeared). Nothing did (thank goodness). But I did have to endure this for all of 5 stops on the train (it sat in front of my face from 51st Street to 23rd). Can you say awkward?

-I was in the elevator coming up to my office when I noticed that the finance guy, a dorky 60-year-old dude I had been chatting with as we rode up to our floor, had a nipple issue going on. What kind of issue you ask? Well, I’d call it a cold (or possibly – please God no – excited) issue; we’re talking seriously hard/distended nipples that were (blurgh) freaking poking their way through his shirt. It was really, really, really yucky. That’s all I’ll say about it. Oh, and yet again I said nothing (even I don’t know how to broach certain topics).

I feel like I’ve been eye-raped this morning.

Random other things that I’m thinking/feeling at this moment:

-I am in a weirdly silly mood today – it may have to do with lack of sleep. Oh, speaking of which: The game last night was a lot of fun. John was surprisingly cool (no awkward conversations or anything like that – well, expect for when he mentioned that we should have a baby together…it’s kind of a long story). I was a little annoyed when the couple that sits next to me – we’ve had the same ticket plans for years and they’ve met John many times since I take him to a lot of games – freaking gave him a HUG when they saw him! They had missed him this year, they said! Um, when I saw them at our first game this season (and they hadn’t seen me all winter) I didn’t get a freaking hug! Now granted, I’m not really a ‘hugger’ and would have been all kinds of freaked out if they had hugged me, but still! I hate being liked second best.

-I’m pretty sure my assistant just called me old. She came over to my desk, handed me a book she’d told me about (which, granted, is aimed at teenagers), and said ‘I think you’ll really love this. My teacher in high school gave it to me to read, and she was even older than you are!’ I almost fell over laughing. So did the woman in the office next to mine who heard. Damn, I’m feeling good about myself now!

-I’ve had an impressive amount of caffeine/artificial energy drinks this morning. I give myself 2 more hours before I’m going to need to leave my desk and take the stairs a few times. But that’s normal. Right?

Now I have to go get some work done – feel free to shout back and make fun of me. I’ll be checking your comments until midday tomorrow when I’m flying down to DC for the weekend to visit my sister! Woo hoo! I’ll try not to get in too much trouble (although it’s kind of like a pig trying not to get dirty sometimes), but if I do I’m sure you’ll hear all about it. Later party people.

They Call Me Spaz Girl

-So I ended things with Fancy Pants – yes, I know it was inevitable. Still, he was considerably more pissed about it than I had anticipated; I believe his parting words to me were ‘Have a nice fucking life!’ My thoughts on this: I forgot the golden rule that when you’re breaking up with someone, never EVER do it in your own home. Because if you’re stuck at home with this person and they become, oh I don’t know, verbally abusive let’s say, you can’t leave. You seriously have to just sit there and take it for as long as they want to dish it out. And that’s not as much fun as it sounds.

But if you dump someone pretty much anywhere that’s not your own turf, you can just LEAVE when they start doing shit like calling you a bitch, listing all your flaws one by one, or even possibly throwing out the ‘you’re going to die alone’ line (who fucking DOES that?!). Yeah, these are memories I’m building here people. Memories.

-Just to top off my weekend, I was telling my mother about the breakup from hell – she had never met Fancy Pants (why would she?), but like everyone else she disliked him on first description – and somehow I found myself in a deep discussion with her about my love life and why I date the kind of men I date. Well, discussion/lecture, tomato/tomahto. Either way I found myself the recipient – for the second time that weekend – of a verbal smackdown (this time it was well-intentioned at least). The sentence ‘When are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren?’ might have been uttered.

Yeah….yeah.

-I cleaned the shit out of my apartment this weekend (it seemed best to just lock myself inside away from the world with the way things were going). I mean, I lifted the mattress and box spring up and cleaned under the bed! I scrubbed the bathtub! I went through all my papers and actually threw stuff out for once! I also – in a big change for me – switched up the bedding from my normal dark red comforter/dust ruffle thingy (it seemed too dark for the summer), to a pretty light blue and white flowered comforter/dust ruffle thingy. It’s…well, it’s freaking me out a little bit with how girly it is, but still…I think (maybe) I like it. It’s kind of pretty. Plus, it’s good to change things up every once in a while. Right?

Either way, the apartment looks awesome right now. I’m thinking of getting myself a new couch too.

-I passed a guy on the street yesterday who was holding a sign that read ‘Please give money for beer.’ No shit, he was blatantly asking for alcohol money. And I have to say, considering it was gorgeous out and I was stuck in an office all day (I was just running out for lunch at the time), I didn’t begrudge this guy an ice-cold beer. Hell, I was fucking envious. So I gave him a buck. I didn’t give anything to the homeless guy on the corner of course, but I gave money to the 20-something guy standing a block away asking for beer money (and not looking homeless). I’m seriously going to hell any day now.

-It’s the little things in life that annoy me. Like the chick who got on the train this morning for example – sunglasses on underground (an all-time pet peeve of mine), too-tight clothes on her too-plump body, hair styled to within an inch of its life, reallllly long fake nails, etc. But none of that set me off. What set me off was that she was holding a bagel by the tips of her fake nails and was licking the cream cheese off like she was auditioning for a porno or something. And you could just TELL she thought she looked hot.

It. Drove. Me. Nuts.

So I did what I always do in these situations – I waited until she glanced over at me, gave her a blatant once over, got sort of an ‘ewww’ expression on my face, and then looked her in the eye and laughed at her. She turned bright red and got off at the next stop. Sometimes it’s nice to take a person down a peg or two…just because I can.

I deserve all the bad things that happen to me. Don’t I?

-My assistant just came over with a book sample and pricing for me to review, and in the book was a picture of three cute little piglets (awwww). Only Ass (my new nickname for my assistant) then took the opportunity to tell me the story of how she once dissected a pig in Biology class. Now let me ask you guys a question – do you know anyone in the world who would want to hear that story LESS than I would? I’m a fucking vegetarian because I like animals more than people for fuck’s sake!

-Speaking of vegetarianism, it’s been over a year guys – who out there actually thought I’d make it this long? I have to say that one of the coolest things about having done this is simply knowing that I CAN. I mean think about it, I was an animal lover who ate meat because…well, because I liked it. But I decided I was going to stop cold-turkey, and I FUCKING DID! No one was holding me to it (hell, no one wanted me to do it), the cravings were shockingly strong at times (I capital letters MISS cheeseburgers), and yet I NEVER broke down. Not once. And I did it through sheer willpower. Knowing I’m capable of that, that I'm that fucking tough mentally, is…pretty goddamn cool actually.

-I’m going to the game tomorrow night with John. Yes, that’s right – I think he MAY have forgiven me for my multitude of sins against him. Well, either that or he’s taking advantage of my awesome seats right near first base in Yankee Stadium. Hmmmm, I guess there’s also the chance (considering the week I’ve been having) that he’s both using me for my seats (understandable) AND going to take this opportunity to tell me off (which I admittedly deserve). At the game…where I’m guaranteed not to leave. Hence stuck being told off with nowhere to go. Again.

Fuck.