Wednesday, September 10, 2008

I Have a Death Wish

So I’ll admit, I was a little cranky this morning. I’m working on this freelance gig for a very demanding and more than a little eccentric guy, and it’s already starting to drive me insane (the dude emails and calls me up to 5 times a day – I’m writing a book proposal for him – and I don’t walk to ANYONE that much). Anyway, I’m using that as my defense. What happened, you ask? Well…

I’m standing on the train this morning, dealing with the usual subway bullshit, when this lardass woman who was sitting in front of me actually leaned forward in her seat (thereby forcing me to back up into the mass of humanity all around me or risk getting her face in my crotch), and stretched. I looked at her incredulously after this, and all she did was lower her eyes and pretend she didn’t realize what she’d done (pussy).

Meanwhile I was already annoyed with her, because there was a little 4-year-old boy STANDING next to me while this beached whale SAT. So I gave her my most withering look, said point blank to her face ‘Well, you do look like you need the extra room,’ and turned to find another place to stand (like far, far away from the scene of the crime).

I would like to point out at this juncture that the Massive Behemoth was not only fat, but she also looked kind of tough. Like she could kick my ass with one hand tied behind her back tough. Hell, she could sit on me and I’d probably expire. Yet still I opened my big mouth and insulted her.

And as I was walking away all I could think was ‘I’m going to die. I can’t believe I just did that!’ I mean, I’m a keep-my-mouth-shut-and-just-think-bad-thoughts type of person, ESPECIALLY on the train (in other words, I’m not stupid…normally). Yet this morning, not so much.

Long story short, I’m sitting here writing this post so it turns out she didn’t kill me. I also got some of my latent aggression out while scaring the shit out of myself, so I see that as a kind of positive exorcism. Hell, it might even end up being a good thing – I got my stupid out for the day before even hitting the office. How’s everyone else out there? Who else almost got their asses kicked before 8 in the morning? Anyone?

6 comments:

Big Daddy said...

Honestly given yesterday's post you are still neutral or slightly positive. One good deed cancels out a bad deed. Right?

Alex said...

Just keep an eye out for her tomorrow morning.

And related to the post from the other day, have you seen this: http://sarahpalin.typepad.com/

Mr. Thursday said...

Just remember--if things get dicey, throw the first punch.

Redhead said...

big daddy: Are you saying what I did this morning was a bad deed? Stupid, yes, but bad? Nah.

alex: That link was scary - thanks for sharing.

thursday: I think you're underestimating just how LARGE this woman was. My fist would have disappeared into the abyss that was her gut.

Bruce Paine said...

THEN POKE HER IN THE GODDAMNED EYE. FIGHTING AINT ABOUT WHO IS BIGGER, ITS ABOUT WHO WINS.

Winning is not elegant, its reality. Reality is not about looks or impressions, it is about results. I assume from reading between the lines of your blog that any young woman aggressive enough to sport heels for all occasions and sexually aware enough to melt in a morning meeting because some metro-sexual, business casual feller with combed hair walks into the room is fanatic enough to groom her nails. Take one of those polished up digits and jab that motherfucker into somebodies eyeball. It isn't pretty. It isn't like you are some subway ninja that puts a judo chop on a pickpocket and then smooths out her skirt. Winning does not need adjectives, it simply exists.

Redhead said...

You people are bloodthirsty. Oh, and don't make fun of my men (that's my job).