Wednesday, September 3, 2008

Sometimes I’m Not So Cool

So I was just in a meeting, and it turns out I’m a moron. That’s actually the moral of the story – I decided to start with it rather than make you wait. Why am I a moron, you ask? Well, let’s just say the rep we were meeting with was this adorable…stud (there’s really no other word to use, sorry). Blond hair, kind of shy and awkward but smart and sexy as hell at the same time, REALLY nice hands (it’s a weird thing with me, shut up); suffice it to say, he was a nice package. And I am a sucker for a nice package.

On the other hand I was (am) just a spaz. Oh, I thought I was acting cool and in control at the time (I may be delusional), but it turns out... You see, I THOUGHT I was speaking normally, acting normally, and generally just coming across like a fully functioning adult. I thought I had stopped acting like an asshole around hot men way back in high school. But it TURNS OUT…not so much.

All I know is that the second Cute Rep was gone, my assistant turned to me and said ‘What was wrong with you in there?’

‘What are you talking about?’ I asked.

‘You weren’t making any sense. You normally come across like you have a brain. I don’t think some of what you said was even English!’

(OK, a) fuck, and b) no, my assistant isn’t even a little afraid of me.)

Cue me, staring dumbly.

‘So what’s up? Were you into him or something?’ she persisted.

‘I, um…I MAY have been attracted to the guy,’ I mumbled (turning about 12 shades of red). Mind you, this is the second time in roughly 2 weeks that she’s caught me flirting (well, we’re giving me a lot more credit than I deserve to call what I did today ‘flirting’) with a guy on the job. It goes without saying that this is not the example I want to be setting for her.

But I digress. Essentially, my points here are 1) I need to remember to act like I'm at work when I'm at work, 2) I am not always smooth with guys, 3) I am a freak and can make a fool of myself like nobody's business, and 4) I hope to never see this guy again (unless he thinks strange women who can't form coherent sentences are hot, because then...well then my friends, I am there).

Yeah. So...

Happy Wednesday everybody.

(Oh, and 2 posts in 1 day - suck on THAT complainers!)


MCBias said...

It's ok. I bumped into a girl today who could be the twin of one of my favorite Hollywood actresses. It was all I could do not to lick my lips like a kid in an ice cream shop. YUM!

Bruce Paine said...

It is pretty fucking simple. I don't care how Christian you want your politics to be, teaching abstinence doesn't work. People need to open their fucking eyes, look at the way grown adults are acting on the internet, and accept that people boink each other for fun and not just for babies. We gotta loosen up a little and let underage girls buy the pill. It ain't rocket science. There are millions of young men who have the paradoxical idiocy to claim to be rednecks and attempt to speak like thugs. All of those young men want to boink things. Hell, I am going to turn a handsome 30 soon and I would fuck anything that walked slow enough, people have to be protected from me and people like me. If a 16 year old girl is afraid to ask her parents for birth control then she needs to be able to go somewhere and not feel judged. I know this, If she has even the remotest shape of a female some guy is going to try to get her to break a piece off, even if she is a grenade.

Redhead said...

mcb: So who did she look like?

paine: I'm guessing this is in response to my last post. Well, 2 thoughts here - 1) I totally agree with pretty much everything you said, and 2) I hope your girlfriend isn't reading this (the correct phrasing is 'I am going to turn a handsome 30 soon and if I was single I would fuck anything that walked slowly'). Oh, and that last line was beyond funny.

Bruce Paine said...

I did intend that comment for the other post.

My girlfriend reads your blog religiously, but not in a freaky way.

She is constantly asking me when i am going to "grow out" of my horny stage. I tell her that after five years I am just "growing into" it and I waggle my eyebrows suggestively. She then rolls her eyes and mutters something about a "damn horn toad" and goes back to reading her book. I tell her that one day, in about 75 years, I won't be able to perform anymore and she better get while the gettins good. She doesn't listen, though. Its kinda sad, I must have lost my rugged appeal.