I do. I have thoughts. About all kinds of things actually. Want me to prove it? OK. Here’s just SOME stuff that I’ve been thinking about lately:
-Britney Spears is fucking nuts, which is fine (although logically, I know her clothes shouldn’t bother as much as they do), except this chick has kids. I mean, fuck. Those kids don’t have a chance. What do you think they’ll score on intelligence tests in ten years? I say they top out at 70 – which WILL make them smarter than their parents. Ah, evolution.
-The Yankees are making me physically ill at this point. I’m about to see if they’ll let me pitch – I give myself a 50% chance of making the team.
-Went into Victoria’s Secret yesterday, and realized that they don’t even bother making bras that aren’t padded anymore. Kind of a ‘Fuck You’ to every woman out there who doesn’t need to (essentially) stuff her bra. After all, just because she’s big up top doesn’t mean she can’t always look bigger! Assholes.
-I need to help people more often. It gets me good stuff. Let me explain: I helped the daughter of a coworker with her college essays (out of the kindness of my heart), and now that she’s decided where she’s going – after getting into a bunch of schools (because I’m awesome) - the whole family wants to thank me. The daughter made me coconut dark chocolate chip cookies (so delicious AND my favorite), the mother took me out for drinks after work (always appreciated), and the father had a bottle of extra-special scotch shipped into the country for me (because I’m extra-special). All I can tell you about the scotch is it’s delicious (of course I tasted it right away), you can’t get it in any liquor stores around New York (or apparently the U.S.), and I can’t remember the name of it (the label is hand-printed and I’m not at home to read it to you – suffice it to say, this is not mainstream stuff). I love helping people.
-If I had to live off of one food for the rest of my life, I think it would have to be pizza. Wait, no, nachos. Mmmm, or my Dad’s ribs. Fuck, I forgot about Chinese food – all Chinese food. Goddamnit that’s a stupid question.
-My favorite word of all time (learned it in the fifth grade): pusillanimous – it means lacking courage and resolution. Say it out loud. It has such a nice rhythm to it. What? Where did you think ‘pussy’ came from? (I love language.)
-I may be paying too much to get a haircut. I mean, $200 for someone to essentially trim off my dead ends? It’s not like my hair is short and cute and needs lots of styling. Would it be a bad idea to buy a pair of good scissors and just trim my own hair? Probably.
-You know what? I truly enjoy cooking. And I’m actually really good at it. Yet, I live off of Campbell’s Tomato Soup, cheerios, Red Bull, and coffee. And no, I’m not on a diet (the women in my family pretty much top out at a size 6, so it's just not necessary). So the conclusion I’ve come to for why this is: cooking for one person sucks. Probably the worst thing about being single.
-My friend Christine is having a bit of trouble with her roommate. And shockingly, it’s NOT because he’s a super-religious, revirginized tool. (Seriously, he has ‘reclaimed’ his virginity – a nifty trick that I made a very inappropriate joke to him about when I was told.) Nope, the trouble comes from his being a republican. And let’s just say Christine isn’t.
So, in a moment of passive-aggressive inspiration, Christine has invited me over to hang with them this weekend. Now, I’ve met the roommate, and let’s just say he wasn’t feeling the Redhead love. It might have something to do with the aforementioned inappropriate joke, or it might have to do with my walking into their place for the first time and yelling, ‘Jesus Fucking Christ!’ (What? You should see this place. Who has a duplex in the Village with their own private deck AND a skylight? How was I supposed to react?) Still, not the sort of thing you’re supposed to say in front of someone really religious. Apparently. Either way, I find it interesting that my friends use me as an instrument of revenge. And you know what? I’m not even insulted.