Thursday, April 12, 2007

My ‘Hotness of Mankind’ Non-Draft

OK, finally I have thrown together some kind of female version of the KSK ‘Clothing and Accessories that Accentuate the Hotness of Womankind’ Draft. Only it isn’t a draft, because that would have confused the shit out of my friends. (They don’t know about this blog or KSK, they wouldn’t understand why I would want to do something like that, and I wasn’t feeling creative enough to come up with a good lie.)

Instead I sent out an email to a few friends asking for examples – with explanations – of some ‘clothes or accessories men wear/use that make them hotter.’ It was a bit more organized and formal than our emails generally tend toward being, but they know I’m in publishing so they humored me. Then I started things out so they could get an idea of what I was thinking, and I encouraged everyone to comment on each choice.

Anyway, I didn’t give them too many rules. I just let things flow and then threw everything together later (in no particular order). But these are all real choices by real women.

So, before we begin let me introduce you to your commenters (and yes, I have a lot of friends who are lawyers):
Redhead: You know me, I’m a mouthy bitch.
Christine: I’ve mentioned her here before. She works as a real-estate developer, was my roommate in college for 2 years, and weirdly has very strong feelings on what men should and shouldn’t wear (and surprisingly little sense of humor about it).
Linda: Old friend of mine; we made it through private school together. She’s a lawyer in NYC, and her taste in men tends to be a little out there (she once dated one of her father’s friends).
Hannah: I’ve known her forever, love her to death, and hate that she doesn’t live in NY. She’s tends to be much more conservative than I am. She’s a lawyer in D.C. and always has great stories about the cases she’s working on.
Alex: I got to know her through Hannah, and we were instant friends. We bond over a shared love of sports (although unfortunately she’s a Mariners/Seahawks fan) and a shared distrust of Hannah’s boyfriend. She’s also a lawyer in D.C.

(Note: All names have been changed to protect the innocent. Oh, and some of the explanations/comments have been edited – sparingly – for clarity and to keep this from being godawful long. I’m not sure I succeeded.)

OK, so let’s do this:

*Redhead: Tattoos

What? I have a fetish for tattoos. I don’t want a guy to be covered with them (it’s better when they’re a surprise anyway), but a nice half-sleeve, something on the back, maybe on the hip – all that works for me. Remember the guy I dated who had a horseshoe tattooed right beneath his belly-button? I was fascinated by it. I definitely dated him longer than I would have without it.

Christine: Fucking tattoos again?
Hannah: I hated that guy!
Redhead: Be nice!
Linda: Ah, but you’re not a fan of the crucifix tattoo. Remember the guy with the huge one on his arm…
Redhead: (Internal cringe) Yeah, that one freaked me out.

*Christine: Low Shorts/Pants

This is all about the man’s “Y.” I don’t know the technical name here, but it’s that area where the pelvic bone meets the groin, creating a “Y” effect. Such a sexy part of the body. Anything that is fitted low enough to show that off (no shirt required) is very nice.

Redhead: It’s called “The David.”
Alex: I don’t know what it’s called, but I agree. Even if they’re wearing a shirt, when they reach up to get something and flash you with it…I’m drooling right now.

*Linda: Cologne

There are two types of men in the world. The ones who wear cologne and make me think of fresh powder and musk, and the ones who are responsible for half the deaths on the subway. What is with some of those guys? Can they read a label? But the ones that get it right… I’ll sleep with them just on principle!

Redhead: (Chuckling)
Christine: No way. I hate cologne!
Redhead: Actually, the right cologne (and not too much of it) on the right guy is a HUGE turn-on for me. I can’t help it – it gets the blood pumping.
Linda: Thank you!

*Hannah: The Nice Suit

This has to be a perfectly tailored, not too flashy (be careful with pinstripes) suit, paired with the right shirt and a great tie. Men do not realize how much women like a well-fitted suit. It instantly makes them 50% hotter. An average looking guy moves up a notch in attractiveness when he is in a suit.

Linda: Amen.
Christine: It’s the fit of the suit that’s most important. A man’s shoulders are a huge turn on, and the broader the better. But they never look broader if the jacket is too big, and some guys don’t understand this. The shoulder seam has to be just at the shoulder, otherwise the guy looks like he’s a little boy playing dress-up. And no cuffs or pleats (one pleat is OK – but no more than one).
Redhead: Um, I don’t know what you just said, but I think I agree.
Hannah: It’s all in the fit. A real man owns a suit that fits his body perfectly.
Christine: Exactly.
Linda: The right suit makes me want to take it off.
Redhead: Jesus, Linda!

*Alex: Boxer Briefs

Briefs remind me of little boy underwear, and I don’t date boys. And straight boxers are fine, but they’re just not as sexy as the boxer brief. It’s something about the tight fit. That’s what a man wears. Plus, their asses look great in them.

Redhead: Couldn’t agree more. I just Googled boxer briefs (I really shouldn’t be doing this at work), and…I think I’m blushing.
Christine: Wuss.
Linda: No, no, no. I like boxers.
Redhead: OK, make your argument.

*Linda: Silk Boxers

They’re like the male version of the silk teddy. They may not be practical but they’re hot as hell. I see them on a man and he is my king. I just want him to lie down, relax, and let me take care of him. And when I’m done, I steal them.

Christine: Linda, we are never going to be fighting over the same guys.
Hannah: Silk?
Alex: Are you kidding?
Linda: No.
Alex: Are you sure? Redhead, weigh in.
Redhead: Nope, I’m not getting involved. I prefer commando. Easier to see the “Y.”

*Redhead: Men in Uniform

Men get…

Hannah: Wait. I get to choose men in uniform. My boyfriend is the one who has a uniform (ed. note: he’s in the military), so I get to do this one.
Redhead: OK, go.

What woman doesn’t like a man in uniform? Men look more capable and more dangerous. They’re fun for dress-up, and when your man actually earned the uniform, it’s that much more enjoyable – trust me, I know. Plus, men aren’t the only ones who like their women to dress up.

Christine: No argument here.
Redhead: Question: Are you specifying military uniforms with this choice?
Hannah: I don’t know. Am I?
Redhead: Why yes you are. Especially because you stole this one from me.
Hannah: Hey!
Redhead: I get the next one. And I choose…

*Redhead: Firemen

It’s better when they’re actual firemen, but just dressing up like one is fine too. They’re so brave, and strong, and sexy, and…brave.

Hannah: That was eloquent.
Redhead: Did I ever tell you guys about the time the fireman knocked on my door?
Christine: Is this a real story?
Redhead: Oh yeah. I had just moved to NY, and I was home sick on a Saturday night. Suddenly, there was a knock on the door. I’m wearing sweats, my hair is up in a knot-type thing, and I’m wearing no makeup. But I go answer the door anyway (because I’m a moron). And who do I find, but two firemen!! Apparently something had happened in the building (but who cares about that), and they needed to check out the apartment. So I let them in (drooling), got lectured about having a grill on the balcony, tried to make awkward small talk, and then watched them leave. I mean, between looking SO bad AND sitting home on a Saturday night, I must have looked like such a loser.
Christine: You are a loser.
Linda: Wait, that’s the story?!
Redhead: Yeah. It’s one of my big regrets. Those firemen were hot.

*Linda: Sunglasses

It’s simple, the right kind of sunglasses can instantly make a guy look cool. I once knew a guy who looked like Woody Allen, and when he got himself a hot pair of shades, I actually thought he looked like Keanu Reeves. It was weird.

Alex: The right sunglasses can definitely be a turn on.
Christine: I don’t think they can turn Woody Allen into Keanu Reeves though.
Redhead: It would be worth a try.

*Christine: A Nice White T-Shirt

Guys think they can buy any old white t-shirt, pair it with jeans, and look good. The t-shirt has to fit correctly. Like I said before about the suit, the shoulder seam has to be at the shoulder. The t-shirt should fit to his body and show it off without being too tight. It is all about making sure the quality of the clothes is good. Spend more than $10 bucks on it.

Redhead: Christine, you’re scaring me.
Hannah: No, I get what you’re saying. In an effort to not look like they’re trying too hard, some guys don’t try hard enough. Sometimes the effortless look takes a little effort.
Christine: Exactly. I’m not asking too much when I say this.

*Alex: The Perfect Pair of Jeans

These need to be nice and low on the hips – loose but not too loose. They need to be able to hold themselves up. And they hug the ass just right. Plus, they look great with the white t-shirt or a button-down. Men usually do a pretty good job choosing these.

Christine: Not always in the Midwest. When I lived in Chicago guys were not wearing the right jeans.
Redhead: Not one man in Chicago got it right? Seriously?
Christine: Not like they do in NY.

*Christine: The Classic Blazer

To go with the jeans and white t/button down. This is a basic that all men should have because it looks great. Again, fit is everything. Navy blue is a good color for this, but any basic dark color will do.

Hannah: No argument.
Redhead: Hey Christine, do the seams on the shoulders need to be right at the shoulders?
Christine: Shut up. The best thing about men are their broad shoulders and narrow hips. And the right cut shows this off. I’m not wrong here.

*Linda: The Non-Greaser Leather Jacket

It’s so hard not to screw this up. I’m not talking black leather and I’m not talking motorcycle jacket. This is a classic, dark brown, spanking new leather jacket. It says “I may be preppy, I may be bad-ass, I may be both. Wouldn’t you like to know?” And I always want to know.

Redhead: A leather jacket? No. These never, ever, ever look good on men. They shouldn’t even attempt it.
Alex: Agreed. Men should not wear leather jackets after 1990.
Christine: I’m not a fan.
Hannah: Dark brown is definitely the way to go if they’re going to wear them, but it doesn’t really work for me either.

*Redhead: The Necklace

Now let me explain. I don’t like jewelry on men (with the exception of wedding rings and watches), but for whatever reason sometimes necklaces work. You know the ones – the almost-chokers. Like the leather strip around the neck. Or the smallish silver beads (with no charm or anything on it). Close to the neck and not hangy. I can’t tell you why, but it turns me on. It makes me want to touch their neck.

Christine: That’s it, you’re not allowed to critique us anymore.
Redhead: What?!
Alex: Are you kidding?
Hannah: Why don’t you pair that with the tattoos, Redhead. Then you can bring him home to your father – that would be interesting.

*Hannah: The Tux

Obviously well-tailored (Christine), and classic. Men should not get creative here. A classic bow tie or solid colored tie, and every man looks like James Bond.

Redhead: Men think that single women at weddings are easy because of the desperation/love aspect, when really we’re easier because there are so many men in tuxes.
Christine: Ah, Redhead’s speaking from experience. Want to tell this story, Redhead?
Redhead: No.
Hannah: I know it!
Alex: What story?
Redhead: Get back on track people!

*Redhead: Shoes

I don’t know enough about men’s shoes to truly explain this one, but I do have strong feelings about them nonetheless. I mean, it’s a dealbreaker. I don’t want running shoes on a guy unless he’s running. Flip flops are okay in warm weather but sandals never are. I’m talking leather shoes, not too fussy, never tassled, and and no rubber soles. OK, I’m probably not explaining this well, but suffice it to say, a good pair of shoes on a guy can legitimately turn me on.

Christine: YES!
Hannah: Definitely no sandals.
Alex: Redhead, I can’t believe you chose shoes? I didn’t even think you knew men wore shoes.
Redhead: You’ve got to look somewhere on the subway.

*Linda: The Gym Bag

Love the guy who’s dressed up on the subway with a gym bag. I don’t care what’s actually in there – could be porn for all I care. As long as it looks like he works out, that’s totally hot. But it has to be a real gym bag by Nike or something. It doesn’t work if the bag has a cheesy company logo on it.

Redhead: I’d rather he just had a body that looked like he worked out.
Alex: No, the gym bag is a turn on. It’s best when paired with a guy in a suit though. It shows that he knows how to dress well, but he also knows how to sweat.
Linda: And it’s less stuffy than a briefcase.

Agh. OK, we stopped there - basically (this was a compilation of 3 days of emails after all). Anyway, let’s just all be happy that I didn’t get fired after some of the image searches I did yesterday. Work? What work? Fuck.

So, I hope this was an interesting/entertaining look inside a few women’s brains. Although honestly, men’s clothes and accessories aren’t as fun a topic as women’s. Still gentlemen, it’s what’s underneath that counts. And now I’ll leave you with Linda’s parting words:

“I say the best accessory of all – especially if you’re unattractive – is four of your hottest friends.”


onthevirg said...

Score! I got four of those: tattoo, well tailored suit, nice shoes (though I don't know if the soles are rubber) and boxer briefs. Though I've just also found out that I have a pair of sandals that apparently need to burned.

Redhead said...

You have sandals AND a goatee? Dude, we need to talk.

onthevirg said...

Yeah, apparently I'm a winner in the "I'm a tool" sweepstakes.

Redhead said...

It's not like you can't fix yourself - shave the ugly facial hair and burn the sandals. Then never admit to ever having either.

Hey, what's your tattoo of?

onthevirg said...

It's a medicine wheel with a bear claw in the middle w/ a couple of feathers hanging off of it. Goes from shoulder to elbow and around the inside of the arm.

Wes said...

My tattoos saved me from getting a big fat zero. The only choice that surprised me was the gym bag. I think that was a reach.

Redhead said...

wes: You thought the gym bag was a reach but not the necklace? All my friends understood the hotness of the gym bag - it means a guy works out. Nuff said. And are you telling me you don't own a suit, a cool t-shirt, or nice jeans? least you have the tattoo. What's yours of?

onthevirg: You see, the sad thing is I have no idea what the significance of a medicine wheel, bear claw, and feathers could be, but it still sounds hot to me. I need help.

Wes said...

Hey, whatever trips your trigger. I guess I just don't think of the gym bag in terms of an accessory. If gym bag=works out=hot, then did sweat socks and jock straps make the honorable mention list?

No, I don't own a suit. If I have my way, I won't even be buried in one. I have plenty of cool t-shirts. But, I doubt that my Led Zeppelin shirt would make the cut in this instance. And...I wear baggy Carpenters jeans. They're good for getting around but they don't really show off the goods. Yes, I'm a fashion plate.

Dragons. I have one on my arm and one on my leg.

Jez said...

Virg, you've got a donut on a medicine wheel as a tattoo? Sweet!

Wait, is that another kind of bear claw?

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