So, my plan today is to slowly but surely throw down thoughts and stories as they come to me, giving you what amounts to a piecemeal post that will not suck (but no promises). Feel free to keep checking in - or just stop by at the end of the day and read it all then (I don't care). OK? Good, let's do this:
-As I said, I finished Harry Potter last night (no, I will not give anything away here - I am not that kind of an asshole), and it was...perfect. If you're not a fan of the series, you're a fucking moron. If you are a fan of the series, I hope you enjoyed (or will enjoy) the last book as much as I did. I cried like a baby when I finished it (I don't really cry in "real life," but when reading a good book or watching a good movie I can turn into a regular faucet).
My reaction wasn't really a surprise to me - I always knew when I finished the series that I would cry (I hate saying goodbye to wonderful characters - it's like losing a friend), and boy did I. Probably only people who truly love to read know what I'm talking about here, but finishing a good book can often be a painful experience; you just never want it to end I guess. Anyway, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows - two thumbs up.
-Found this picture of a boxer online - totally made my day.
How do you think it fits that back in his mouth? This question is going to keep popping into my head until someone answers it - I'm concerned about him choking on it.
-I’ve been editing the book from hell for the past two days, and I need to vent a little bit : What the fuck was the author ON when she wrote this?! And can she please share it with me, because I need it right about now. The book is 10,000 words over what we asked for. Yeah, you read that right – 10,000 words. And at least half of what’s on the page doesn’t make any fucking sense.
But since we need a manuscript to send to our designers by next Monday, we don’t have time to send it back to this chick with a post-it saying something along the lines of ‘What the Fuck?’ So I’m the one who won the loser lottery and got the enviable job of cutting this fucker down to size (and making it legible). And it sucks - I'm very unhappy right now. Fuck.
-Who do you think's crazier, Britney Spears of Lindsay Lohan? And how sad is it that I even care enough to wonder?
-Sorry, I just took a 2 hour lunch - I'll hop to it and get you another entry in a little bit...
-Quick comment about the NY Guy situation before I tell a story: Let me just say right off that I didn’t really want to get into the story here, but 1) I was a little hurt (total lie) that you guys have so little faith in my abilities as a girlfriend and wanted to defend myself, and 2) I kind of have to talk about it a little bit in order to then tell my story. So…
In defense of myself as prime girlfriend material (because I fucking rock) – I’m intelligent (shut up) and am capable of discussing various topics in a knowledgeable way; I’m funny (sometimes unintentionally, but it still counts); I’m not clingy; I can be affectionate at times other than during sex (although I’m not a huge fan of cuddling); I generally tend to prefer joking around to actually getting angry/holding a grudge; and I’m not overly emotional/cry for no reason (Harry Potter IS a reason). In fact, let me refer you back to this and this.
Now having said all of that, I wasn’t actually psyched to be getting rid of NY Guy. We broke up because it was never going to work out in the long run, and it’s always better to cut ties sooner rather than later in situations like that. BUT that doesn’t mean the actual breakup didn’t suck, and it doesn’t mean that it’s been smooth sailing ever since then. The main problem? I still think NY Guy is great – he’s gorgeous with a great personality. This complicates things and makes a relatively clean break a lot harder to accomplish. More on this later…
-My story: OK, so I was out on Wednesday night after work – Christine and I were grabbing a drink so we could do a post mortem on NY Guy – when a group of guys approached us. Immediately it became clear that these guys had already enjoyed one too many drinks, but we decided to humor them for a few minutes anyway. Hell, I was newly single right?
Anyway, after about 5 minutes the ringleader of the group – who had been chatting me up – unexpectedly came out with the following gem (seriously, we were NOT in a conversation where this statement would normally belong): I have a really thick cock. It would feel really good – trust me.
Oookkkaayyy. Damn, it’s nice to be back on the bar scene.
I replied: Did you get fired today?
Drunk guy: No, why?
Redhead: That’s the only acceptable reason I can come up with for you being THIS drunk and obnoxious on a WEDNESDAY.
Christine and I left shortly thereafter, and that is when I made my fatal mistake. You see I went home, thought about all the clueless morons out there I would have to sort through in order to find another decent guy, allowed the 2 drinks I’d had at the bar to cloud my judgment just enough for me to pick up the phone, and…I called NY Guy and invited him over ‘to talk.’
Yup, I’m an asshole. I’d dumped NY Guy just a few days before (without a legitimately good reason), had been the hardass during our brief phone conversation on Sunday (cause it’s easier that way – trust me), and then (thanks to a couple of drinks and a weak moment) decided to fuck with his head just so I could fuck with his body. Not my finest moment.
Ever since then I don’t know what the fuck is going on. We spoke on the phone last night. He’s coming over tonight – he insisted and I couldn’t really say no (nothing takes your power away quite like a (sort of) drunk dial/emotionally weak moment) – and for all I know we’re back together.
What do I do now? I know I deserve anything that comes of this, but…help.
9 comments:
That's gotta be photoshopped. Now way is it real.
Good to have you back, you lazy slug.
Only book I can remember where the room got really dusty was when I finished the LOTR trilogy in junior high school.
I'm with TK, no way that picture isn't photochopped.
Sheesh, enough about your problems. Don't you know you're here to keep us entertained?
Nice. Will the rest of get an invitation to the wedding?
You blew it dude. Big time. If you're going to drunk dial an ex, you've got to wait months before you go there. On the plus side, you're in a relationship again!
Yeah, but just what does Redhead want???
I'm not one to psychoanalyze. I have my OWN set of problems...trust me.
As for Harry Potter. Have my copy but just haven't read it yet. What AM I waiting for?!
Red,
First things first. Brittany blew it. She had the industry and America buy the short hairs but messed it up. Though I think Lohan is hotter, she is just another wanna be in a long list. I am a half century old gentleman who has record albums older and in better shape than some of these morons we yap about.
It sounds like you are still on the fence with NY Guy. That's OK. Your aren't backing down, just kind of curiously letting it be. Remember that one can't know enough good people these days.
Give yourself a fucking break. You're human.
Dave
If you listen real close, you can hear me screaming "thank god I'm married" at the top of my lungs.
Bella's right. What do you want? A friend? A boyfriend? A fuckbuddy? None of the above? Think about it, I suppose, then decide, then act. If he doesn't like it, so be it. But it's your life you've gotta worry about, not his. And frankly, unless he's gonna start a more funny/clever blog than yours, I don't give a shit about him.
tk#1 and onthevirg#1: I think it's possible that photo is real - I once saw a pug that had a tongue so long it didn't fit all the way in its mouth. Wow, this is a weird topic to be discussing.
onthevirg #2: I'm not defensive (shut up - I'm not), and it was not my fault...initially.
onthevirg #3: Shit.
bella: You need to read it - it's that good. As for what I want, well, CLEARLY I have no idea. I'm an idiot.
Dave: Lohan's hotter than Britney circa 2000 (boy did that girl go downhill in a hurry)? Really? Oh, and thanks for not blaming me - I realize I'm a moron, but it's nice to know not everyone blames me.
tk: Can I say I want all of the above but at different times (depending on my mood)? That's not totally selfish and fucked up, right?
Can I say I want all of the above but at different times (depending on my mood)? That's not totally selfish and fucked up, right?
Um... well... uh... I'll be right back in a second to answer that.
sound of screeching tires
Dick.
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