Someone emailed me this list of Rules Guys Wish Girls Knew yesterday. I guess he thought I might find it interesting after my Guy Rules post. And I did. In fact, I liked it so much that I copied and pasted it below. Because I (of course) have thoughts and opinions that I want to share. So here is the list, with my replies, since I now – as a girl – know what guys wish I knew.
(Note: Most of the points are here, but I deleted a few that were just too dumb to waste my time on. Honestly, who cares that guys don’t know the difference between pink and peach?)
Anyway, here’s one girl’s reactions to the rules:
1. If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us. We refuse to answer.
Redhead: I never ask this question on principle, because it’s completely pointless. I’ll keep my mouth shut if you’ll keep yours shut.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat. If it’s up, put it down.
Redhead: I’m inclined to agree. Is this seriously as much of an issue as it’s made out to be?
3. Don’t cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you’re stuck with her.
Redhead: N/A. For as long as I’ve had a say, my hair has always been long. And it always will be – security blanket.
4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!
Redhead: No pressure – I find getting the perfect present stressful, too. But remember to at least wish me a fucking happy birthday.
5. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear.
Redhead: Fair enough.
6. Sometimes, we’re not thinking about you. Live with it.
Redhead: Sometimes I’m not thinking about you either.
7. Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation and monster trucks.
Redhead: Generally, if I find your answer uninteresting, I won’t ask a follow-up. So just fucking ANSWER and stop being so mysterious about it.
8. Sunday sports. It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
Redhead: Trust me, I’m right there with ya.
9. Shopping is not a sport, and no, we’re never going to think of it that way.
Redhead: I hate shopping and only do it when necessary. I want to get out of there just as badly as you do.
10. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
Redhead: I’m never going to ask your opinion on what I should wear. Just tell me I look nice when I’m ready (without prompting) and we’ll be fine.
11. You have enough clothes.
Redhead: There’s no such thing. I hate to shop and even I know that.
12. You have too many shoes.
Redhead: That’s blasphemy.
13. Crying is blackmail.
Redhead: Crying is awkward and should only be done during a life crisis (death, serious illness) or during a movie/reading a good book – then it doesn’t count.
14. Your ex-boyfriend is an idiot.
15. Ask for what you want. Let’s be clear on this one: Subtle hints don’t work. Strong hints don’t work. Really obvious hints don’t work. Just say what the heck you want!
Redhead: Fine, but the same goes for you.
16. No, we don’t know what day it is. We never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.
Redhead: Bite me. YOU mark them on a calendar.
17. Yes, peeing standing up is more difficult. We’re bound to miss sometimes.
Redhead: Just so long as you clean up after, I couldn’t care less.
18. Most guys own three pairs of shoes. What makes you think we’d be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with our dress?
Redhead: Again, there’s no way in hell I’d ask for your help on that.
19. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
20. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
Redhead: Fuck you. After you offer up suggestions (which are appreciated), just sit there and don’t say anything. Let us vent and don’t walk away. That’s all that’s required of you.
21. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
Redhead: No shit. Jesus.
22. Foreign films are best left for the foreigners.
Redhead: Most of the time that’s true, but there are some cool ones out there. But I can watch them alone.
23. Check your oil.
Redhead: Good God, I don’t drive. Running out of oil would be a best case scenario if I got behind the wheel.
24. Don’t fake it. We’d rather be ineffective than deceived.
Redhead: Yes, but sometimes it’s just not going to happen and you won’t quit. We get tired and want to go to sleep.
25. It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together.
Redhead: What quiz?
26. No, it doesn’t matter which quiz.
Redhead: Um. OK.
27. Anything we said six months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after seven days.
Redhead: Not a problem, I don’t remember what you said an hour ago.
28. If you won’t dress like the Victoria’s Secret girls, don’t expect us to act like soap opera guys.
Redhead: What if I’m willing to dress like the Victoria’s Secret girls?
29. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
Redhead: Sounds good to me.
30. Let us look! We’re going to look anyway, it’s genetic. Besides, if we’re not touching, what’s the problem?
Redhead: Not a problem as long as I can look too.
31. Don’t rub the lamp if you don’t want the genie to come out.
Redhead: Thanks Yoda.
32. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done, not both.
33. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to during commercials.
Redhead: Hey, that goes for you too.
34. Christopher Columbus didn’t need directions, and neither do we.
Redhead: Christopher Columbus got lost and ended up on the wrong side of the world, jackass.
35. Women wearing Wonder-Bras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
Redhead: Fair enough, but what about the women who don’t NEED the Wonder-Bras or low-cut blouses. Are they allowed to complain about being stared at?
36. More women should wear Wonder-Bras and low-cut blouses. We like staring at boobs.
Redhead: No shit Sherlock.
37. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out.
Redhead: Thank God. I need to stand vertically and get some work done.
38. Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.
Redhead: And it’s less expensive.
39. We’re not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.
Redhead: I know, I know. But do you have to be such morons sometimes?
40. If we ask what’s wrong and you say “nothing”, we will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you’re lying, but it’s just not worth the hassle.
Redhead: I…have no defense against that. But I still reserve the right to say it and then remain pissed.
41. If we hear from an old girlfriend, we will briefly fantasize about having sex with her. But don’t worry, the fantasy includes you and her, together.
Redhead: Well then!