Tuesday, November 6, 2007

To Bang or Not to Bang

Yeah, that’s just about the stupidest title I’ve come up with so far, but fuck it – I’m not creative enough to come up with anything better. So there.

OK, and now…onto the haircutting story that I keep promising you:

Let me just say right off the bat that I’m very protective of my hair. I think this stems from several things. First and foremost, I think a lot of the blame has to go to my mother and the unfortunate boy’s haircut she had me sport until I was old enough to object…

(Note: By her third kid my mom was over the whole ‘ooh, let’s dress him/her up and show him/her off to EVERYONE’ stage. This utter disregard for the prettification (shut up, I can make up a word) of her daughter, combined with a full-time job, led my mother to take some shortcuts with me. Nothing major mind you – I was given love and taught values – but as my mother likes to put it, she learned ‘not to sweat the small stuff’ by the time I came along. And apparently the small stuff included hairstyling. Anyway, quick overview: My mother gave me the same haircut as my brother until the day I (very loudly) stopped her. If I remember correctly this happened sometime around the 2nd grade. The reason I finally put my foot down was simple – I was pissed about recently being mistaken for a boy (shut up – it was an honest mistake considering I had no breasts then). Either way it was psychologically scarring, and to this day I don’t think I’m over it. But I digress.)

The other reason I’m so protective of my hair can also be blamed on a family member (I bet that’s true with a lot of us and our neuroses) – my dear older sister. Yes, she had her part in turning me into the nutjob you all know and love today. I learned many lessons from her (as we often do from our siblings). The lesson I learned from the story I’m about to tell was a simple one though: Never, EVER let your sister cut your hair after she’s been drinking. Seems pretty obvious now, but at the time…

Let me set the stage for you guys: Redhead – awkward 6th grader with SUPER DUPER bangs. Redhead’s sister – new college freshman who was probably psyched to finally be away from her annoying little sister. The place – parent’s weekend at the University of ________.

YES, you read that right – I had bangs (and we’re not talking the cute, side-swept bangs that some girls have today). Stop laughing.

Grrr…alright, let me explain the logic behind this hideous hairstyle quickly. Ummm, okay, so none of you know me (thank goodness). That means that none of you know what I look like (thank goodness again – yay anonymity!). Well, I guess what most people would say about me is I’m not average looking; I don’t look like the girl next door. I’m…I have a very distinctive look – I’m tall (and have been all my life), I have long red hair, and I have a particularly angular face. Now today that angular face works for me in a positive way, ie. great bone structure with especially nice cheekbones (if I do say so myself). But when I was 11 years old – this face did not work for me. In fact, it made me downright uncomfortable. I was a preteen with an adult’s face. And in a world where cute little things ruled, I was…not. I HATED it.

So, I tried to cover up that face (hence, the awful bangs), slouch away the awkward height, and generally just not stand out in any way. ALL I wanted at that point in my life was to go unnoticed.

Which of course explains the bangs, and brings us (finally) to the story of my sister, parent’s weekend, one too many beers I (stupidly) didn’t notice sis consuming, and a pair of scissors.

Now, before leaving for college my sister was my designated bang-cutter (God knows I didn’t trust my mother to do the honors). And after leaving for college – well, I guess you could say I didn’t replace her. In other words, I went cold turkey. And let me just tell you, I had the shaggy hair to prove it.

So suffice it to say, by the time parent’s weekend at my sis’s school came around, I was horribly in need of a trim. In fact, when we arrived in [city’s name], I was so desperate for a cut that I started badgering my sister almost immediately after saying hello.

Not surprisingly I was made to wait until after my parents took my sis (and 15 of her closest friends) out to dinner. Fine. I was patient. (Shut up.)

Yeah, so we went to dinner, everyone had a good time (in spite of me), and eventually I found myself back in my sister’s dorm room.

Now, um…I’ll be the first to admit that I may have been annoying her at this point. I had basically mentioned my hair and how it needed a trim…hmmm…every 5 minutes or so for about 4 hours. Yeah.

Anyway there we were, hanging out after dinner, and I guess I begged her for assistance one time too many. And with my parents (conveniently) out of the room, and my sister (uninhibited as she was after a few drinks) losing patience, I…certainly got my haircut.

One moment my sister was talking to a friend and ignoring me, and the next moment she was grabbing scissors off her dresser and coming towards me. And then…she cut my bangs. Yup, they were cut. Yessiree they were.

Note: I knew right away I was in trouble when I realized how drastically her cutting style had changed. In the past she had gone slowly, trimming a little bit at a time and doing everything in sections. This time she simply grabbed ALL of my bangs together, placed the scissors above where her fist held everything, and cut. Pretty high up. Like, a half an inch away from my scalp high up.

Wow, it’s still painful to talk about.

So okay, it didn’t look good. Or another way of saying it is it looked bad. Hideously bad. Ego crushingly bad. But…whatever. Bygones.

Long story short, my sister felt awful the next day, I looked like a spaz for months afterwards, I got over the self-consciousness I felt about my face, and I decided that I didn’t want or need bangs ever again.

And I haven’t had bangs since.

The end.


Bella said...

I can so relate to that story Red. I feel for you, I really do. Ever hear of Dorothy Hammill?

I hate bangs too. I was thinking about getting some though to hide the wrinkles on my forehead, but I think I'd rather go with the botox.

:) Bella

onthevirg said...

You know I thought that this was going to be the lamest blog post ever.

Gdamn was I right. Everybody who voted for this, I hope you're happy. Bastards.

rs27 said...

Onthevirg made a funny.

TK said...

I gotta admit, with the title, I thought this was heading somewhere else entirely.

I'm a little disappointed.

Anonymous said...

I thought from the title we were getting the story about how you lost your virginity.

MCBias said...

Ok, ok, what could make me decide that your blog doesn't count as a sports blog for my hiatus? After all, I couldn't figure out why I enjoy reading this blog anyway. It doesn't seem like we're at all similar, and I have little to no idea where you're coming from. Then I read this...you're a tall late-blooming (in looks) woman! I thought so! This is so cool, because I have several blogging friends in this category. Now I can stereotype you based on them to my heart's content :-p (kidding). Anyway, you're off the hiatus list.

Redhead said...

bella: Well, bangs would be less expensive (but probably less effective as well). I say if you go for the longish, side-swept bang thing, you're fine.

virg: Hey, Mr. Complainerson - if you hadn't bitched about the options I gave when you had a choice and actually CHOSE something, then you could be a jackass to your heart's content over this post. However since you didn't - shut your pie hole!

rs27: Don't encourage him!

tk: Hey, if the Girl, You'd Be a Woman Soon post had won, you'd have gotten exactly what you expected. Since it didn't...

harry: Didn't you vote for THIS story? You were the prude who freaked out when you realized what my book clubs were all about and asked for a haircutting story instead. Will NOTHING make you people happy?!

mcbias!!!! You just made my day (I hate losing commenters). Just couldn't stay away, huh? I don't blame you - I'm weirdly addictive and people just naturally love me (it's a curse). Having said that...don't stereotype me! Every girl goes through an awkward stage.

Jack Cobra said...

I thought the 'girl you'll be a woman soon' post was already in the queue and we didn't need to vote for it? Damnit, things are so confusing around here.

On a side note, I kind of wish your super had a blog so I could read what his reaction was. Any chance you can talk to him about getting on that?

Jumpshootingfool said...

"To Bang or Not to Bang--The Sequel". Let's get on with it, huh? Geez, if I'm going to waste time at work, it might as well be reading soft porn.

Anonymous said...

Easy, turbo. My comments about book club were totally tongue-in-cheek, playing off my ignorance of what book club was. My comment here was only about the title of the post. I am not the only one who had that idea since TK posted basically the exact same comment at the exact same time. I actually enjoyed the story. Reminded me of something that happened to my wife when she was a little girl with a Dorothy Hammill haircut. Deep breathely, sister. No need for anger.

MCBias said...

And I'm glad to hear that my return isn't a source of dread, ha. I enjoy giving my biased takes on your life. But...you don't know how much joy stereotyping gives me! There's nothing like making up your mind about someone without having to pay attention to "facts" and "details"; it's so much more convenient and much faster. Just ask your friendly neighborhood racist, ha. We wouldn't have a problem with bias in this country if it wasn't fun. :-p (Kidding!)

Tall girls go through different awkward stages than regular/short girls, though. Now the question is, are you really a tall girl, or just slightly tall? I only count girls who are 5'10-5'11 and over as tall. If you're not that tall, my stereotyping is worthless. Here, let me get my stereotyping out in one comment, and then I won't do it again (where you can read it, at least :-p).

See, height is the one attribute that it makes no sense for guys/girls to discriminate against. What does it matter if a girl is short or tall? And yet, if she's tall, she usually gets less attention from guys as a potential date/mate/what have you (until guys get past 20? or so), ends up being pushed into sports more often, amusingly enough often has more guy friends than girl friends, and has to develop her personality more as a result than she would have if she was short. At least, that's what my studies have shown over the years.

Redhead said...

jack: Are you commenting on this post but referring to another post from 2 weeks ago? Leave it alone - my super saw me almost half naked, shit happens. (Psst - don't tell anyone, but I'm still so embarrassed about that.)

jumpshootingfool: Hey, if you're upset by the lack of porn on this site (soft core or otherwise), look for jack and mcbias to make your compaints. I was more than willing to provide you with entertainment.

harry: I have to keep reminding myself that you're new here. Look, there are some things you should know about me, 1) I never let you guys legitimately piss me off, so don't take anything I say super seriously, and 2) I'm a HUGE bitch, so allowing me to abuse you when you come here and comment is kind of part of the deal.

mcbias: Jesus mcb, write a book why don't you. Is this what happens when you have nowhere else to vent? OK, since I really didn't read everything you wrote (I don't have all day here), I will simply reply to what I did read - no, I'm not like 5'10/5'11 tall, I'm like 5'8 tall. The fact that I hit 5'8 when I was in the third grade made it awkward for a while, but eventually I grew to love it (and wear at least 3 in. heels pretty much everywhere). As for everything else you wrote...dude, go back on work on your paper/book/disertation.

MCBias said...

5'8" is not tall. Clearly I've been lured out of my hiatus via false advertising.

Anonymous said...


Fuck them all. Have they written about their bowl haircuts? I know I won't.


Diarrhea of the Mouth said...

ok bangs, are they even in style? i can't do bangs.

one--i have a short forehead and my face is very round (its all part of being fat--yea! ughh)

two--i don't do shit with my hair. the most i do is put some leave in conditioner in it. i rarely curl it, blow dry it or wear a ponytail.

i haven't had bangs since, god i cna't even remember.

ThirtySomething Kat said...

OMG, Redhead...I think we have led parallel redhead lives.

MY mother made me wear the boy-bowl cut until I was in 2nd grade too. UGH. It was horrendous. I mean...WTF??? Making a GIRL have that haircut?!?! Then, when I DEMANDED to let my hair grow, she forced me to grow it really long and go to school with frou-frou shit in it every day (braids with ribbons, ponytails with ribbons, barretts with ribbons/beads....). And I hated that too...so when I demanded that she let me cut that damn long hair in middle school, she would ONLY let me do it if I also got a perm. I agreed to this thinking that I would get a cute Bob cut and a loose perm...no biggie. OMG. She had the bitch cut off my ponytail so she could keep it (still has it today)....and the cut turned into a freakin' MULLETT with a perm. I was so ugly with that hair - I mean...can you say...Little Orphan ANNIE???? I am STILL scarred from that. I don't like ANYONE to look at those horrible pictures. My brother has often threatened to post them on his blog...

And, when I was a Freshman in college (post mullett/perm...long hair with bangs), I cut my own bangs right before we had our sorrority pictures taken and as I kept screwing up and cutting more to compensate, I ended up with crooked, WAY-too-short bangs...and I had to tilt my head down and look up in the pic so as to diminish the obviousness of the bad haircut.

LOL...great post.

Redhead said...

mcb: Shut up.

Dave! Where've you been lately?

dotm: I don't do much with my hair either, and yeah - the whole point of the post was that bangs are stupid. Thanks for agreeing!

kat: A perm?! Why? Just...WHY? Oh I am so, so sorry.

Anonymous said...

Gotcha. Let the abuse flow.