Wednesday, December 5, 2007

Just Because I’m a Pain in the A*s

So I’m going to another singles party on Friday night, and before you ask:

1) Yes, I’m still on my ‘I’m not dating’ kick right now;

2) No, I don’t want to go;

3) The reason I’m going is because my sister-in-law sent me the invite (her friends are organizing it), and I’m pretty sure my mother put her up to it (and will know if I don’t go);

4) Yes, I’m huge wimp and will torture myself for a night in order to avoid being badgered by my mother (shut up);

5) I’m figuring it won’t be too painful when all is said and done because a) I already have plans for earlier on Friday night so…well, I’ll already be out, and b) my earlier plans involve drinking, so I imagine by the time I make it to the singles party I’ll be pretty buzzed (which, let’s be honest, can make most things tolerable).

Anyway, in the spirit of trying to make peace for yesterday (or, possibly, me just having nothing else to write about today), I figured you guys could help me come up with a point system for all the men I meet on Friday. You give me the guidelines – things they can say or do that will give/take away points – and (assuming the ideas aren’t complete crap), I’ll promise to follow them. That means that if I meet a guy who reaches a predetermined number of points, whether I personally like him or not, I will promise to go out with him in the future. On at least one date.

So there you have it dear readers, I am actually giving you some modicum of control over my life (and I may just end up regretting it). Anyway, have at it. I only have about 4 meetings today (thank God), and then I’m going to the theater tonight (yay, cocktails and theater!), so I will be checking in intermittently to see/comment on your suggestions.


TK said...

Having a point system: -1,000,000 points

Jack Cobra said...

Point systems are yesterday's news.

Redhead said...

tk: That's what I said yesterday and then the shit hit the fan.

jack: Fine by me, but now it's your job to think of something for me to write about (I'm too damn tired).

Jack Cobra said...

I don't think we ever got the 'girl you'll be a woman soon' post, or whatever it was called.

MCBias said...

As a quant-minded guy, I am pleased to hear you'll give point systems a chance. So why not, let me make up a system.
Early observations:
+3 Man seen talking to other men at least once at the party
+3 Man is seen talking to more than one person at a time (groups)
+5 Man is seen being helpful to the party host or others
-3 Man spends a significant amount of time with his back to the wall, scouting the room
-5 Man's first goal seems to be to corner the alcohol and get buzzed before making his move into the crowd
-5 First question is "What do you do?"
-5 Mentions his job as if it automatically should elevate him in your eyes
-5 Disrespect of your job/background (except if he heckles you for being a Yankees fan even if he's not a Red Sox fan, that's +5 in my book :-p)
+4 Offers to get you some more food/drink or help you in some way, <5 minutes into the convo
+5 Works quickly to find a common topic you can discuss
-3 Scouts immediately for red flags (i.e. politically, relationally, culturally, etc.) in case you're not worth his time
+3 Casually works in the mention of some interesting place without doing the "We should go there sometime!" routine overly obvious
+2 Can look you in the eye without staring or being awkward
+5 Can make physical contact with you without it being cliche (i.e. the elbow touch or shoulder pat)
+3 Works in a compliment to you that actually fits you instead of being cliche. Is it obvious I'm anti-cliche yet?
+5 Disagrees with you at least once in the first 10 minutes. Trying too hard is for losers, needs to have a backbone
-1000 Trying to start a fight with you or antagonizing you to hopefully develop chemistry because he's read "The Game" or other pick-up books one too many times
+5 Knows how to go away when the conversation has run its course
+10 Comes back for a second impression. This is a key move; the first meeting doesn't have to be long or result in a phone #, but the second meeting, at the same place, is where you make your move.

Um...let's say +10 is good enough? Yeah, I should have some closing-the-deal points too, but this is too long. I'm out of here, you're seducing my time with this point system. I don't use them myself, but I enjoy creating them for entertainment.

rs27 said...

Ok use McBias' point system. I can't even think of anything that in-depth.

I have this
+5 First thing he says to you makes you laugh
-3 Picks his nose
-3.5 Eats it
+2 Smiles
-2 Has yellow teeth

that's all I got

Diarrhea of the Mouth said...

All this is a lot of work. But it all depends on what you are looking for. Boyfriends vs a one night stand has a totally different point system. I need more info and a small sum of money in order to do all this figuring (I’m an accountant I don’t do this for free).

TK said...

That's what I said yesterday and then the shit hit the fan.

Yes, but you were right yesterday.

Redhead said...

jack: No one voted for that post! I don't work for you people!!! Well, at least I don't work for free! Oh, wait...

mcb: Good God! OK, I can't even begin to comment on everything you had in there, so I'll just touch on a few that stood out:
I'm never going to blame a guy for coming in and making a beeline for the bar, because I can guarantee I'm going to do the exact same thing.
Looking me in the eye (in a non-creepy way) should be worth more than 2 points.
If a guy ends up being a Red Sox fan, he's out of the running. Period. In fact, I'm out of there before he even finishes the sentence.
As for everything else - looks good.

rs27: OK, for two of those just...EWWW. Now, when you say 'Eats it' you mean...?

dotm: I work for you people for free every day, how about a little something in return here? And as for the boyfriend vs. one night stand'm not looking for a boyfriend, so...

tk: Then where were you defending me?!

Anonymous said...

Building off of MCB's list.

Spiked hair (especially the faux-hawk) = -4 pts.
Lots of jewelry = -2 pts.
Mentions his mother a lot = -3 pts.
Excessive cologne = -2 pts.
Mullet = +2 pts. (He's sporting the retro look before it's cool to be that retro. Or is it too soon?)
Some muscle definition without looking like a steroid freak = +4 pts.
Fake tan = -5 pts.
Able to discuss politics, religion, music, culture without getting pissed off or defensive = +5 pts.
Short (therefore super cool) = +5 pts.
Knows how to do some sort of handy work (car, carpentry, plumbing, etc.) = +3 pts.

I'd stick with the 10 point system. Being either a Red Sox or Yankee fan would be a deal breaker for me but you belong to the evil empire. Good luck. Get laid. You've been very angry lately (or are you always like that? I'm new, remember.)

rs27 said...

I don't know why, but my list cracks me up. I'm super funny today. I rule!

Oh yeah one more thing.

Indian- +5 gabiliion points

Redhead said...

harry: + Points for a mullet AND for being short? Are you high right now? (As for the rest of it, I'm not angry I'm prickly - and I may be more so lately thanks to my 'no dating' thing, but...shut up.)

rs27: Your list was gross, but I'm glad you're feeling entertained.

rs27 said...

Red- Have you never seen caddyshack? Hilarious. You laughed. I know it.

Yes, I'll Have Another said...

@Red: [blank stare] OK.

Redhead said...

rs27: LOVE Caddyshack.

yiha: You having trouble following this?

Yes, I'll Have Another said...

Oh no, not at all. Thanks though.

Diarrhea of the Mouth said...

not looking for a boyfriend...well shit...

ok looking=100
d/d free=500
has own place=200
big cock=1000

lives with parnets=-1000
small penis=-500
bad at oral sex=-500

onthevirg said...

So I'm guessing opening with "It'll be the best 90 seconds of your life," is not what you're looking for? Cause that always kills for me.

As for what to avoid, I'd take a look at this site and run quickly away from anyone that vaguely resembles any of them.

And I gotta back my man Harry, guy's under 6' shouldn't automatically be discounted You elitist.

Redhead said...

yiha: Okey dokey - just remember that I'm here to help (total lie).

dotm: OK, half of those I'm not going to know the answer to until after the date is over (we're assuming of course that I don't completely lose my mind and cross a line while inside a bar). But I appreciate the thought. (Oh, and 100 points for breathing?! DOTM, I get the feeling we need to work on your self-confidence.)

virg: Where the hell have you been? You haven't commented here in forever! Loser, you were my first commenter and I will not be ignored! Now, as for that site - I've been there before, and I would like to say: Give me a little more credit than that. I actually have pretty good taste (just no inclination towards commitment), but...I'm sorry, I don't really dig short guys. I'm sorry!

Diarrhea of the Mouth said...

HAHAHA! yeah ok it's been awhile.

but the good news is i bought my first toy!!!!

onthevirg said...

Awwwwww...she misses me. Your can kiss my ass. But I'm back and ready to start bringing the sarcasm and ridicule!

Besides, what does the point system matter. You're just going to find something about any guy that you meet anyway. Poor bastard's just going to be in for abuse.

Glad I'm back? :-P