Friday, March 23, 2007

My Homage to Office Space

Michael: Peter, you’re in deep shit. You were supposed to come in on Saturday. What were you doing?
Peter: Michael, I did nothing. I did absolutely nothing, and it was everything that I thought it could be.

Fuck yeah.

That, my friends, is one of my favorite lines from any movie. Ever. And the movie I’m referring to is…Office Space – I’m assuming you had that one before I gave it to you (I have faith in my readers).

I love Office Space. Not only is it fucking genius, but it’s both inspirational and comforting to anyone who works in an office. Because it says that you’re not the only one who’s miserable. You’re not the only one whose boss is driving you nuts. And that’s an important message my friends. Especially this week (for me at least – fuck I need a weekend).

So in honor of Office Space, and Peter (my hero), I am going to pay homage to the above quote. I am going to do nothing. On Saturday.

That’s right, nothing. It’s supposed to rain tomorrow, and I’m going to do what I always feel like doing when it’s raining – be as lazy as is humanly possible. I won’t feel guilty about not going outside to be productive and social (it will be raining after all), and I won’t be guilted into doing anything either (I have no plans and have an ironclad lie of ‘I’m not feeling well’ if anyone calls). I’m ready.

It will be perfect – a day of nothing. Everything I thought it could be.

I even have a (sort of) plan for my nothing day. Want to hear it? (Just nod your head.) Well, I can’t just give it all to you – ask something and I’ll answer.

Um, Redhead (yes, I’m really doing this – go with it): Are you going to sleep late? You bet. Get out of your pajamas? Nope. Answer the phone? Fuck no. Watch some basketball? Yup. Read a book? Probably. Watch a movie? If I feel like it. Take a nap? I’d be shocked if I didn’t. Order in Chinese food? Just try and stop me.

OK, now stop! We’re done. There’s not point in asking more questions – we’ve covered everything that I would potentially do. That’s the joy of the day of nothing. I’m actually going to accomplish nothing. Do nothing. Experience nothing (except rest – I will experience rest).

I have a pint of Haagen Dazs coffee ice cream in my freezer. A bunch of books I’ve been meaning to read. A huge bed that I don’t spend nearly enough time in. And a big, cushy chair right by a window. I have two TVs, a DVD player, and some yummy smelling bubble bath in case I decide to pamper myself.

I’m going to revel in my laziness.

And I know I’m special because of it. No, hear me out. I am. Because you see, most people aren’t truly lazy enough to do nothing for an entire day. Hell, most people have probably tried and failed. It’s not easy. But don’t worry – I can do it. I don’t have any kids. I don’t have a dog that needs to be walked – I have a cat who hides in my closet every time I open the door (she’s a freak). I don’t even have a roommate to bitch at me for sitting around the apartment all day. That’s right. I have no real responsibilities. (Which would be sad if I didn’t enjoy it so much.) So I’m going to take advantage.

I’VE EARNED THIS. (Probably we all have, but as usual let’s keep this all about me.) I get up at the crack of dawn every day. I work crazy hours. I bring work home every night. I exercise even when I don’t want to (and I never want to). And I practically live on Cheerios. PLUS, I’ve been going out three or more nights a week for the past few weeks, and I hate that. I need my alone time and I haven’t been getting it. So I’m cranky. I need a break. Just one day. For me.

Call me what you want (antisocial my ass) – I don’t care. I deserve this. And I will not be talked out of it (unless it’s nice out – please rain, please rain, please rain).

So, in honor of Office Space, a film that celebrates me and my plans, I’ll end this post with a few more Peter words of wisdom.

Have a good weekend everyone; try not to do too much.

Peter: The thing is, Bob, it's not that I'm lazy, it's that I just don't care.
Bob 1: Don't... don't care?
Peter: It's a problem of motivation, all right? Now if I work my ass off and Initech ships a few extra units, I don't see another dime; so where's the motivation? And here's something else, Bob: I have eight different bosses right now.
Bob 2: I beg your pardon?
Peter: Eight bosses.
Bob 2: Eight?
Peter: Eight, Bob. So that means that when I make a mistake, I have eight different people coming by to tell me about it. That's my only real motivation is not to be hassled; that, and the fear of losing my job. But you know, Bob, that will only make someone work just hard enough not to get fired.

Peter: What would you do if you had a million dollars?
Lawrence: I'll tell you what I'd do, man: two chicks at the same time, man.
Peter: That's it? If you had a million dollars, you'd do two chicks at the same time?
Lawrence: Damn straight. I always wanted to do that, man. And I think if I were a millionaire I could hook that up, too; 'cause chicks dig dudes with money.
Peter: Well, not all chicks.
Lawrence: Well, the type of chicks that'd double up on a dude like me do.
Peter: Good point.
Lawrence: Well, what about you now? what would you do?
Peter: Besides two chicks at the same time?
Lawrence: Well, yeah.
Peter: Nothing.
Lawrence: Nothing, huh?
Peter: I would relax... I would sit on my ass all day... I would do nothing.
Lawrence: Well, you don't need a million dollars to do nothing, man. Take a look at my cousin: he's broke, don't do shit.

Peter: I uh, I don't like my job, and, uh, I don't think I'm gonna go anymore.
Joanna: You're just not gonna go?
Peter: Yeah.
Joanna: Won't you get fired?
Peter: I don't know, but I really don't like it, and, uh, I'm not gonna go.
Joanna: So you're gonna quit?
Peter: Nuh-uh. Not really. Uh... I'm just gonna stop going.
Joanna: When did you decide all that?
Peter: About an hour ago.
Joanna: Oh, really? About an hour ago... so you're gonna get another job?
Peter: I don't think I'd like another job.
Joanna: Well, what are you going to do about money and bills and...
Peter: You know, I've never really liked paying bills. I don't think I'm gonna do that, either.


onthevirg said...

Actually sounds like a pretty awesome way to spend a weekend day. I like doing that every so often myself, just do a whole lot of exactly nothing. The g/f is not such a big fan of said plan too often though.
On a side note, I've actually tried to start this blog thing also. I've only got 1 short thing up so far, but if you wouldn't mind, maybe you could take a look every now and then and tell me what you think? Wow, that sounds...needy doesn't it?

onthevirg said...

And oh yeah, Office Space rocks.

Wes said...

Don't forget to spend some quality time with your red Swingline stapler.

Redhead said...

While I normally don't respond well to needy, I'll give your blog a look. Kidding.