Friday, March 30, 2007

My Bitch Fit

OK, so I’m feeling a little feisty today. Might have something to do with the really good date I had last night. OR, it might have something to do with Guy #2 (who I haven’t spoken to since fucking St. Patty’s Day – get a clue dude, you’re starting to creep me out) calling me at 3 IN THE MOTHERFUCKING MORNING.

Now, if you don’t read me that often, you may not know that I love sleeping. I mean, I love sleeping. I’m a huge fan. But what I don’t love is being woken up. For, like, any reason. And people who know me are aware of this. 3 a.m. is an unacceptable time to call me unless it’s an emergency. So when my phone rings at 3 a.m., I’m going to assume it is an emergency. It wasn’t.

There I was, dead to the world and happy as a clam, when my phone rang. Struggling to open my eyes and look at the clock, I panicked when I saw the time. Who could be calling me? What was wrong? Had something happened? Fumbling around in the dark, I located my phone (randomly under a pillow in my bed) and answered it. I didn’t check my caller ID. I just answered.

I was expecting a family member or friend. I got a fucking moron:

Redhead: (still pretty asleep but concerned) Hello?
Guy #2: Redhead? (he actually said my real name here, but humor me)
Redhead: (realizing its not anyone I care about or like – and certainly not an emergency – I get instantly livid) Who is this?
Guy #2: It’s Guy #2. (he actually used his real…never mind)
Redhead: (not even trying to sound calm) What the fuck are you doing calling me at 3 in the morning?
Guy #2: I wanted to talk to you.
Redhead: (sitting up and letting my voice raise – sorry neighbors) Are you fucking kidding me? I haven’t returned one of your phone calls or text messages. It’s been 2 fucking weeks! Get a fucking clue! Don’t fucking call me in the middle of the night!
Guy #2: Yeah, but…
Redhead: What is your fucking problem?! I was just sleeping! I have to get up for work in 3 hours! And in case you haven’t figured it out yet, I don’t want to talk to you, you fucking idiot! Fuck off, leave me alone, and never, ever, ever call me again. Jackass!

So, yup. That’s what I call a meltdown. Inadvisable if this guy ends up being unbalanced and/or a stalker? Clearly. A solid 9 out of 10 on the bitch scale? No question. Something I regret in any way, shape, or form? Nope. I feel totally comfortable with how I handled the situation. I mean, 3 in the morning?

Anyway (deep breath), I’m over it now. And that’s not even what this post is about – that’s just kind of an explanation before I begin. You see, I’m seeing the world through bitch colored glasses this morning, and in my crabby (and sleepy) state, I decided to stumble through the news section of the US Magazine site (always a good brainless early morning activity). Since I hadn’t been there in a while, I went back a few days to read through all the posts. And one caught my eye.

Called Hollywood’s Teetotalers, I quickly guessed what that ‘story’ was about. And I smiled. Who doesn’t love typically stupid actress quotes? I knew I was going to get some holier than thou bullshit, and I normally love that stuff – it makes me feel good about myself and my intelligence. But today, since I’m in ‘a mood,’ I feel a particularly strong need to rip into these women and what they said. So, since I have this lovely space to do so, here are my top 3 nitwits:

—“I'm not really a drinker…I think it's gross. I really don't like drunk women; I think it is such a bad look. I think it's very inappropriate and I don't like it…I think it's incredibly embarrassing when people are drunk. It just looks so ridiculous. I find it very degrading. I think, ooh, you're really degrading yourself right now, to be this pissed out in public.”
-Gwyneth Paltrow

Really? You mean it doesn’t look good to get falling-down drunk? Are you sure? Because I always thought the reason women get totally fucked up was because it looked good. Those half-mast eyes, inevitably running makeup, and sort of clammy skin always looked hot to me. In fact, when the world is spinning around me and I’m praying I make it to the bathroom before I throw-up, I always think ‘damn this is a good look for me.’ But you’re saying it isn’t? Are you sure you pseudo-British wannabe?

Because you’ve never been drunk before, right Gwyneth? All those stories I’ve heard about your younger days are just gossip, I’m sure. And this quote I found after a quick Google search of you? This can’t be right – right?

“As a teenager at a posh New York private school, blonde, blue-eyed Gwyneth was a rebel without a pause. Never short of dates, she drank, smoked dope and drove her parents mental by staying out all night.” –Sunday Mail (UK), June 30, 1996

Hmmm. Now I don’t know much about the Sunday Mail, but it sounds like you DO have a few nights in your past that you’d like to take back. Interesting.

Well, no bother. Anyone who names her kid Apple isn’t someone whose opinion I really respect anyway.

Oh, but way to call out drunk women in particular – they ARE so much ‘grosser’ than drunk men. You’re a fucking genius.

—“I don't drink, I don't smoke and I've never done any drugs. I avoid fried foods and have even given up coffee. I have remarkably few vices and I'm never late.”
-Sarah Michelle Gellar

Wow. Sarah Michelle Gellar is a saint! I knew it! First Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and now just a perfect human being. How does she do it?

I mean, sure, she married Freddie Prinze, Jr., which is just sad. And she was in those horrible Scooby Doo movies. Oh, and some really bad romantic comedies – but they don’t hire her for those anymore.

Still, that teenage boy’s body seems to be working for her. And I’m sure she’s a really fun friend to have; what with the no drinking, smoking, drugs, fried food, or coffee, there’s so much more time to…um…

Well, she WAS Buffy.

—“I don’t drink – I’ll have a sip, but I’ve never been drunk – and I don’t smoke. I envy people who have those releases. They just have a drink or a cigarette and they feel better. I have to brave it through the whole day on my own.”
-Jennifer Lopez

You know, when I think Jennifer Lopez, I DO think ‘brave.’ It’s brave to get married three times in less than 10 years (but engaged 4 times – that we know of!). It’s certainly brave to appear in any movie after Gigli. And to go out in clothes that JUST BARELY cover the naughty bits – brave, brave, brave. To go out in sheer clothing without a bra – brave. To actually name your record ‘J to tha L-O!’ – brave. To still call yourself a ‘simple girl from the Bronx’ when everyone who's ever worked for you calls you a diva – brave.

To marry Marc Anthony – legitimately brave.

J. Lo, you are my inspiration.

Happy Friday everyone!


onthevirg said... if that guy wasn't a big enough douchebag before by cock-blocking his buddy, he decides to drunk dial @ 3 am. This guy is nothing if not classy. I'd want to kick that dude in the nuts if I were you. I'd say your reaction was not only warranted, but he deserved whatever you else you might have wanted to dish out, including a beating.

Re: Celebrities. They always amaze me with their epiphanies. Like dispensing common sense is some world shattering revelation. Asshats.

Redhead said...

You know, I was annoyed when he kept calling (I mean, his friend got the hint and stopped calling after a few unreturned texts/calls), but to call at 3 am?! I get pissed when people I like do that. Plus, this dude has a girlfriend he can drunk dial.
If he calls me again after last night, I'm going to get legitimately nervous though.

Wes said...

I don't think you could have handled that phone call any better. I'm sure his man parts shrivelled up quickly during that onslaught. Well played.

I'm waiting for some celebrity to come along and solve the world hunger problem. "Other people are starving? Why don't they just have craft service?"