Horror Show

Not many women in the history of the world have had worse luck with men than my friend Christine. I mean that – this chick should write a book. My issues with men are nothing compared to hers (mainly because mine are almost exclusively in my own head). Hers are warranted. Some examples of what I mean:

1) As many of my readers know, Christine and I were roommates in college. Anyway, during our second year living together, her boyfriend got drunk, came over to our apartment, and threw our phone book at the sliding glass door to our balcony. Glass everywhere. Then, he had the nerve to act surprised when she wouldn’t let him come over ever again. For weeks after that, we were kept up night after night while he pounded on the door, begging to be let in.

2) The very same boyfriend from #1 (Guy #1 and #2 if you will) also had the annoying habit of hitting on me. (She doesn’t know about this.) The first time he did it, he actually tried to convince me that all he wanted was to see me naked – I ‘could shower’ and he would ‘just watch.’ I said no. The next time he got drunk and actually tried to touch me. I didn’t let him. The third time he finally just came out and begged me to have sex with him. I turned him down and told my boyfriend what was going on. Guy #1 and #2 stopped bothering me after that.

3) Right before we graduated from college, I introduced Christine to a guy who I thought was a sweetie. (Well, he came over and fixed the vacuum cleaner for me once, and he would watch really bad movies with me when my boyfriend wouldn’t – that kind of meant he was a nice guy. Right?) Anyway, he and Christine really seemed to hit it off. Or at least they did until he slept with her and then kind of disappeared. Turns out he’d had a girlfriend I wasn’t aware of (oops – holy bad reconnaissance, Redhead). BUT, he did end up breaking up with that girlfriend. To be with Christine. So it all worked out. Sort of…

4) 4 years later, Christine was still dating Guy #3. He was in law school, and she was in business school, and they seemed to be on their way to getting married. In fact, when he was offered a job with a firm in San Francisco, Christine turned down an offer from a company in New York to be with him – this was something they had discussed.

Anyway, it was around that time that they went on vacation – she paid since she had more money at the time – and for 2 weeks, everything was great. She called me from the beach to check in and mentioned how well they were getting along. They shopped. She bought him gifts. And then, on the last day of the trip, he broke up with her. Without warning. Big time. I believe the words ‘I think I can do better’ were actually used. Oh, and he mentioned that he had been planning to end things before they had even left on the trip – but I guess he decided to let her pay for him to get away first. (And the worst part of this story? She then had to sit next to him for the entire 10-hour flight home.) Yeah, not surprisingly they never spoke again.

5) Upon returning home from The Dumping, Christine turned to her friends. One in particular was really great – a guy from business school who did wonders for her (understandably) bruised ego. (He’d had a crush on her for over a year and saw this as his opportunity.) He said everything right: He told her she deserved better. He pointed out what a jerk Guy #3 and #4 was. He said he would never have done that to her. He said there were guys who would kill to be with her (and he made himself Example A). And you know what? It helped. Christine bounced back. And finally, after a few months had passed, she gave in and started dating him. All was good with the world. Until about 3 weeks after they ‘consummated’ the relationship, that is. Then the shit hit the fan.

Christine went to class one morning at the business school and was told the fresh gossip. It seems that Guy #5 had been a very naughty boy the night before. With another girl from their class – one of Christine’s friends (or course). In front of everyone. At a bar. Before they left together. So what did Christine do? She confronted him. (That worked out well.)

Christine learned a lot during that conversation. Some Guy #5 gems: a) I never promised you anything, b) I want to continue seeing [the other girl], c) I still think you’re The One – I just don’t want that right now, d) I’m sure I can get you back once I’m finally ready – remember how persistent I was the last time around? And I got you, didn't I? You’ll see.

(Shudder.)

6) After graduating from business school, Christine moved to Chicago for work. And she didn’t know anyone there. So when she met this guy – good looking, rich, charming – she was thrilled. He seemed great. He treated her really well. He called all the time. Seemed really open with his emotions. Even told her he loved her after just 2 months together. (Note: This freaked me out, but Christine thought it was sweet.) Anyway, after the ‘I love you’ bombshell, she started to think he was serious (silly girl). Then… Picture this: 2 weeks later, it’s New Years Eve, they have plans to go to a party, and Christine is all dressed up to go out. Her phone rings. It’s Guy #6. He’s calling to say he’s not coming over. Ever. Sorry, but she’s (and I’m not kidding about this quote) ‘not in his league.’

Take a moment and think about that. Yup.

Guess who spent their New Years Eve on the phone with her? That’s right – Redhead (see, not heartless).


Anyway, that was all just a lead-in to tomorrow’s post on Internet dating. You see, Christine is coming over tonight, and we’re signing her up for match.com – I figure she can’t do any worse than she’s done in the past. I predict drinking, and me filling out most of the stuff for her tonight. I can’t fucking wait. You’ll get my impressions tomorrow. Stay tuned.

Update: Alright, Christine and I couldn't get our acts together on Thursday. We'll be dealing with the whole Match thing over the weekend, and if you check back on Monday you can get my thoughts on Internet dating then.