So, after some time off from match.com to deal with my ghastliness (I’m looking awesome today by the way – NY Guy looked ecstatic when he saw me this morning!), my hiatus came to an end yesterday. With an email from Christine. The subject of the email: Help! The body of the email: Be the bad guy for me, please!
Hmmm, okay. What do I need to do? (Yes, I really am that willing to do her dirty work.) Turns out that since Saturday Christine had gotten 26 emails/winks on Match. And she felt like she should reply to everyone (because she’s a nice person). I am not a nice person, and had told her in no uncertain terms DON’T do that. So now she needed me.
No problem. I can play the bad guy (easy peasy). I’d just go on and delete all the losers, and then she could reply to anyone I’ve left to her heart’s content. Just call me the All-powerful Dating God! (Shut up.)
So I logged on to her Match account and started to weed through the guys (it took forever – if I’m going to put in this much time, shouldn’t I be the one getting laid in the end?). Anyway, my process was: a) Delete everyone who didn’t pass the picture test immediately – it doesn’t make sense to waste time reading the profiles of people who we would never, ever, ever want to see naked (no matter how good their personalities may be), then b) Read the profiles of everyone left over. Be picky – with 26 guys responding every 3 days or so, Christine (I) can afford to be picky. If I don’t have a little bit of a crush on him by the end of his profile, he gets cut.
In the end, that left Christine with 5. (And let me just say that no, I’m not living vicariously through Christine right now. I just happen to be better at this whole Internet communication/writing/flirting thing than she is…fuck. Fine, I may be enjoying this more than I should. And yes, I do want 2 of her guys for myself – so what?)
However, since I’m always thinking of my readers (do you guys notice how often I lie to you at this point?) I did take notes yesterday. For your entertainment. Hell, I even copied and pasted some lines from the profiles I particularly enjoyed. That’s what you’ll find below – actual quotes from profiles (I didn’t edit these AT ALL), along with my thoughts. (Oh, but the first two are just general observations that I had to share with someone.) Anyway, enjoy:
-Is every guy’s favorite food sushi? I swear out of 26 guys, 24 of them put sushi underneath Favorite Things. Is there a hidden meaning to this, or do all men just really like raw fish? Fuck. Never mind.
-There is not bigger turn-on to me than the ‘strategically placed tattoo’ option under Body Art. Yes, I have a thing for tattoos (that’s well documented), but the idea of a STRATEGICALLY placed tattoo just kills me – it makes me think about having to go looking for it. Oh, and the fact that Christine doesn’t really like tattoos – not taken into account at all yesterday.
-Favorite Hot Spots: Anyplace with a beat you can dance to.
Redhead: Cheesy. Possibly sincere, but cheesy. Also, that’s just not going to work for Christine. She’s…clumsy (to say the least – it cracks me up). The amount of alcohol required in getting her to dance (badly) is substantial. And if she dated someone who liked to dance…well, let’s just say Christine’s liver deserves better. (No joke, the last time I saw her dance she’d had so much to drink that she also almost agreed to have a threesome with a friend of mine and his girlfriend – and that is NOT Christine’s style.)
-For Fun: Punch out Bush supporters.
Redhead: Okay...funny. Also weird and extreme. My thoughts here: Being politically aware and having beliefs is great. Making comments like this ON A DATING SITE is strange. Couldn’t the same thing be accomplished by simply clicking the ‘liberal’ option for himself and his potential dates on the right hand side of the screen? I thought so.
-I’d like to start off by saying I’m much better looking in person than my pictures would indicate.
Redhead: I actually read some variation of this a few times. My thoughts: The pictures you have were enough for me to take the time to read you profile. So shut up! What are you, a girl? Are you the type to spend more time getting ready for a night out than I am? Is your ego that fragile that you felt the need to add that clarification? Wuss. Pass.
-On the weekends I enjoy grabbing a few spirits (thats another word for cocktails!) with friends.
Redhead: ‘Really? Is that what ‘spirits’ means? Because I wasn’t sure – it’s such an unusual word. I mean, wow! You’re so smart!!! (High-pitched squeal.) Of course, you’re not smart enough to know ‘thats’ is spelled ‘that’s’ but whatever. Fuck it. I want you!’ AND…scene. (I wanted to kick this guy’s ass.)
-I am seeking a woman who is smart, atteractive, funny, and elegant with a strong sense of virtue.
Redhead: Can’t…stop…laughing. Where to begin? Well, I am curious what ‘atteractive’ means (why did he not explain it like the previous guy?), but I’m thinking it wouldn’t matter anyway. You see, he requires a woman with a ‘strong sense of virtue,’ and while I love Christine (I do!), she…um…doesn’t really fit that description. Neither do I though! (Thank God.) Ah well. Moving on…
-Hi Gals, thanks for taking the time to read this. I am looking for someone who continuously lies to me, treats me bad and tells me I am ugly… (NOT) If you her, thanks but no thanx.
Redhead: Funny…NOT. (The fact that he actually pulled the ‘NOT’ thing – which I hadn’t heard since elementary school – was actually pretty amusing. In a sad, pathetic way.) But the real gem of this (besides the whole ‘I’m funny, I am! Please like me and find me witty!’ tone) is the end. ‘If you her’ mixed with a ‘thanx’ – fucking priceless. It makes you wonder if this guy is lazy or stupid. Wait, why choose one?
-I like a woman who is secure with herself, although I dislike arrogance.
Redhead: Damnit, that sucks! Why do all the guys dislike arrogance? Wait, do you think it was a bad idea to put down ‘I’m arrogant, self-centered, and a complete bitch…(NOT)’ in Christine’s profile? Shit.
-Love to…spend time w/ my family & friends because they’re extremely important to me heck knows where i’d be without them.
Redhead: Agh…the editor in me can’t take it! OK, first of all, ‘heck?’ Really? And is it possible that he doesn’t realize ‘I’d’ ALWAYS has a capital I in it? These family and friends – did they not send him to school? Is he a story of child abuse just waiting to come out? Because I’m thinking that ‘without them’ he might have learned how to form a grammatically correct sentence. With them…
-I am attracted to women that enjoys being thier own special selves...not trying to be someone they are not.
Redhead: I don’t even know what this means. And I’m not getting into the whole plural/singular thing either (that’s the least of my worries here). But…I know it’s touchy-feely crap and all, but I still don’t get it. What is he saying? I don’t understand!
-I have been described as a smart, funny, unsuppressedly youthful, a great dancer and good kisser.
Redhead: …OK, I’m good. Needed to have a quick chuckle there. Now let’s get to it – um, well, I’m glad he’s been described as a good kisser. That must have been nice for him. And it is very kind of him to share that with the rest of us. I guess. But seriously, let’s get to the important shit: What the fuck is ‘unsuppressedly?’ No, wait – that’s not the most important thing. The most important thing is WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE? Where did they come from? I mean FUCK – if I wasn’t worried about the state of the educational system in the U.S. before, I certainly am now. Jesus.
-Hi…I like snowboarding, girl and beer…thats pretty much it.
Redhead: What could I possibly add to this?
-So anyway, me with 200 characters…Sounds more like my last big birthday party than my personal intro.
Redhead: And…we’re done.