Monday, June 11, 2007

I’m A Hideous Freak

Yeah, you’re going to have to wait another day for the Internet dating thing – and don’t even think about complaining. As of yesterday morning, my entire focus has been on not horrifying small children with my ugly, ugly face. And don’t even try to tell me I’m overreacting – you haven’t seen me. My cat won’t even come near me right now.

(Who knew I was so vain? I actually considered calling into work ‘ugly’ instead of ‘sick’ today. But I realized I needed to get out of my apartment – God knows what might be lurking in there.)

What am I talking about, you ask? What happened, you ask? Well, short version of how I went from an attractive woman to a monstrous freak in one weekend:

Upon going to bed on Saturday night, I looked like myself. I’d had a relatively low-key date night with NY Guy, and around 1am we fell asleep. (That’s all the information you’re getting or need – suffice it to say, nothing unusual happened.) Then, Sunday morning came. And when I woke up, something was…off.

There I was sprawled out in bed, minding my own business. Then I decided to stretch and tried to open my eyes. Operative word in that last sentence: tried. You see, my right eye wasn’t opening. At all. And this wasn’t the usual ‘my eyes are kind of swollen and itchy from allergies’ not opening. This was ‘Ow! What the fuck?! My right eye feels like it’s going to explode and I can’t open it’ feeling. Never felt that before? Well, neither had I.

“Something’s not right,” I groaned as I began to prod at my face. ‘Yup, that feels like some serious swelling,’ I thought. ‘Okay, remain calm.’ Yeah right.

Kicking NY Guy, I switched from confused and curious to totally starting to panic. “Wake up,” I said (wimpered). “Something’s wrong.”

“Hmm?” he mumbled into his pillow. That earned him a poke. “OK, what?” he asked, beginning to come to as he rolled to face me.

Then he opened his eyes and actually looked at me – and came fully awake. Sitting up, he studied my face for a few seconds before finally saying, “Um…”

“Um? What’s ‘um’?” No answer. “What’s on my face?” I finally asked (shrieked).

Now I don’t know what I was hoping to hear at this point, but it wasn’t laughter. Only that’s what I got. A lot of laughter. NY Guy…was laughing…at me.

Deciding against yelling at him (yet), I got up and went into the bathroom. And that’s where I saw it for the first time. Painful, swollen, red, ‘baseball eye’ (as I’ve taken to calling it). I literally looked (look actually – it hasn’t gone away) like I was hit in the face with a baseball. (Or a fist if the sympathetic looks I was getting on the train this morning were any indication.)

“What is that?!” I screamed, wetting a towel with cold water and holding it to my eye. “What happened last night?”

NY Guy (having regained control of himself), calmly yelled into me “I don’t know. Come back in here and let me have another look.”

Not actually suspecting he was to blame (but wanting to give him a hard time for the laughing), I walked back into the bedroom and asked point blank, “Did you elbow me in the face while we were sleeping?”

He didn’t even bat an eye – NY Guy already knows the trick with me is to ignore me half the time – instead he shook his head and pulled me down next to him. “You’re insane,” he pointed out as he began to poke at the eye. “What are the odds that you wouldn’t wake up if I hit you THAT hard?”

Damnit, good point. Plus, if one of us was going to hurt the other one in their sleep, the hurter would most likely be me (he would be the hurtee). I tend to get very protective of my space while sleeping.

So then what was it?

Well, the overriding theory is it’s a spider bite. Both NY Guy (not a doctor) and my mother (giving her diagnosis over the phone) think that’s the most logical explanation. (NY Guy wants me to go to a real doctor today – fat chance, I’m still mad at mine.) My thoughts? Well, I don’t really have any on what could have caused this. But if I have some mutant, killer spider in my apartment that can do shit like this to my face, I need to move.

So let’s be clear here – I’m horrifying. I look like some cartoon version of an ugly person. And I’m embarrassed to be me right now (call me shallow – I don’t give a fuck). I even put my sunglasses on while on the train this morning (yes, I was THAT person). And I don’t care. I’m allowed to feel very, very sorry for myself right now. (Any comforting words you may have for me would be much appreciated – but be warned, any sarcastic and mean commenters will be yelled at.)

So for today, no Internet dating or Christine stories. I am going to just sit at my desk and think good, non-swollen thoughts. Feel free to offer up miracle cures if you have any.


TK said...

Ohhh, it is taking every ounce of strength I have not to joke...

So let me first say: ick. MAJOR ick.

Second, let me recommend webmd's spider bite page, which is pretty useful (I've been down this road myself, but not as bad). Check it out here.

Third, I don't blame you at all for calling in ugly... er... I mean sick. I might have done the same thing.

Good luck, feel better. See, wasn't I nice? Now if you'll excuse me I'm gonna go explode into laughter.

onthevirg said...

I too am having a real hard time not going w/ my natural inclination towards mockery.

Take it from an ex-exterminator...go to the doctor. If it is a spider bite, you don't want to fuck around w/ that if it's a "bad" spider.

I hope you feel better and sto...ok, I better quit while I'm ahead.

Redhead said...

tk: I admire your restraint (and thanks for the link). I will now take my horribly deformed self over to webmd. (And thanks also for making me feel like I'm actually turning people's stomachs - my ego needed another beating today.)

onthevirg: And thanks to you I've made a doctor's appt. (way to not freak me out there). I also went and told my super to get an exterminator to my apt. TODAY - now my cat is spending the afternoon at the office with me (since I figure I can't look any more pathetic at this point).

To sum up: You guys are awesome!!!

onthevirg said...

I'm sure it's not anything to worry about. I've seen some nasty shit in my day though and you don't want to end up in that kinda sitch.

Redhead said...

I don't huh? Are you sure - because I've been in a lot of sitches in my life, and I could always use another sitch. I mean, what kind of sitch are we talking about here? A bad sitch? A dangerous sitch? I think this is an important topic, and we should talk more about sitches to be clear, right?
(OK, now I'm just getting mean. I really can't help it though - I am being teased at work by people who are NOT funny. One more "joke" about my face, and I'm doing something that will get me fired. I guarantee it.)

onthevirg said...

I'm talking about the kinda sitch where a doctor removes a digit off a hand/foot or they dig out a piece of flesh the size of a roll of Lifesavers. I got to see both of those as the result of spider bites. So you do want to be a little careful about it. Or not depending on how tough you feel. I'm not sure of the poisonous spider population in NYC.

Redhead said...

Oh. My. God.

onthevirg said...

See, I shouldn't have said that. It's more likely that if you were bitten by spider it was a non-poisonous one. You'd just be having some kind of reaction to it.

Manny said...

Ok, it's been 24 hours so I figure the moratorium on snarky comments is lifted. Have you thought about getting a matching spider bite and walking around the office yelling "helllllp meeeee, hellllp meeeeeee"?

Or maybe putting on a sweater, and then stuffing a softball under the shoulder. Then you can limp around the office and yell "Sanctuary, Sanctuary"......

I'm all heart, huh?