Tuesday, June 12, 2007

Update: Ugly Redhead

OK, went to the doctor. (By the way, onthevirg – thanks for COMPLETELY freaking me out before I left for that appointment.) Anyway, it turns out that I was in fact bitten by a spider – the doctor even gave me the names of a couple of culprits, but since I don’t know a damn thing about spiders and don’t care to learn (especially now), I didn’t pay any attention to what she said. Basically our entire conversation on the topic consisted of me asking if she could fix me, her assuring me that she could, and me collecting medicine.

Oh, and speaking of medicine – I left the doctor’s office looking worse that I did when I arrived. How is that even possible, you ask? Well, I’m blaming the ointment she slathered all over the eye (and I’m going to have to continue applying). My thoughts upon looking at myself in the mirror – ewww, I’m all shiny and goopy.

On the plus side, she also gave me this really strong form of benadryl (for the swelling), and I’m told I’ll probably be unconscious a lot for the next few days. So, I may just (fingers crossed) sleep through the majority of my ugly time. But follow-up appointment is on Friday, so I should know more then.

One thought: If I still look like this on Friday, I’m having a breakdown. My ego is just too weak and bruised to handle a whole week of this. I mean, when I left work yesterday my boss actually said, “Why don’t you work from home tomorrow? I’m sure you’ll be more comfortable there.” The non-bullshit translation to this is: You’re grossing everyone in the office out. Stay away until you resemble a human being again.


Oh, and since my apartment was being exterminated yesterday (yeah, kill the little fuckers!), I ended up being homeless AND ugly. But that’s what boyfriends are for. (They might as well serve a purpose before you dump them, I say – kidding. Jesus.) Anyway, I crashed at NY Guy’s with my cat (don’t worry, he offered – I’m not that bad). And while that normally would make him my hero and give him lots and lots of points in my book, he screwed himself pretty quickly on that one. Want to know what he did? Sure you do.

Upon my arriving at NY Guy’s apartment, this is the conversation that took place:

Redhead: (Walking in with a greasy/ointmenty swollen eye and NO makeup) I’m hideous, I know.
NY Guy: (This is a direct quote) Aw babe, that’s okay. I can easily go a few days without ever needing to look above your neck.

Yup. Funny? Absolutely. Cute? Kind of, yeah. Bad timing? It would appear so. I made little pissed off noises before collapsing on his couch and passing out. (Note: I normally have a better sense of humor than that. I also believe in laughing, joking, and teasing during bad times. Having said that – I was cranky when I got to his place; so I make no apologies…fuck, okay I do. I apologized to him when I came to – I HAD just gotten ointment all over one of his blankets after all.)

Anyway, I dragged my ass home to my bug and arachnid free (supposedly) apartment this morning, and except for the huge gash I have on my finger – cat freaked out while at NY Guy’s (hey, at least I know she’s had her shots) – I’m pretty good. Still ugly (oh yeah – apparently the swelling reaches its peak at 48 hours, so I’m right there), but good. Well, actually I’m feeling a little nauseous, but the doc told me that’s normal, so I’m not worrying.

Oh, did I also forget to mention that the doc thinks I have a stomach ulcer? Not kidding – and the hits just keep on coming.

It seems that while still only in my 20s, I’ve become a regular little science experiment. The story: It all started with the doctor insisting she weigh me at the beginning of the appointment (why, when it was my swollen face that was the problem, I had no idea). Either way, turns out I’d lost some weight since my physical a couple of months ago. She mentioned it, and I told her it kind of hurts when I eat – so I’ve been eating less (duh). She asked me to describe the pain, I did, and she commented that it sounded like an ulcer. Some home remedies she suggested: stop smoking (I did! Sort of), cut out caffeine (yeah right), and cut out alcohol (is she fucking nuts?!). Long story short: If the pain continues, she can give me some medicine, but I have to try the home remedies first. I’m thinking I’ll just suck up the pain at this point. Seriously – I can’t deal with myself at this point so I’m just going to start ignoring the problems. (Yes, I’m stubborn AND stupid.)

Anyway, that’s all I have for now. I’m definitely doing the whole match.com thing with Christine tonight though, so I’ll have an update on that tomorrow (unless another catastrophe takes place). In the meantime, adios.


TK said...

The way I see it, there are three positives to take away from this:

1. You now have a bug-free home!
2. New and exciting drugs!
3. Maybe you'll turn into a superhero!

And I used exclamation marks, so you know I'm being serious.

Redhead said...

Dude, I never thought of that! I so want to be a superhero! But how come Spiderman woke up all buff after a spider bite, and I woke up looking like that kid from The Mask? How is that fair?

playoff beard said...


Here's another positive. At least the doctor didn't talk to you about smoking & charge you $125 for the privilege.

This post certainly puts my whining about not being able to find a Whole Foods Market in the god forsaken burg in which I'm working into perspective.

I truly hope the worst is over.

onthevirg said...

See, what I was trying to do was prepare you for worst case scenario of them having to cut out your eye or something and now it doesn't seem so bad right. Yeah...that's it.

Absolutely hilarious comment by NY Guy by the way.

Hope you're feeling better soon Quasimodo.

Redhead said...

playoff beard: The only reason the doc couldn't stick me with another $125 fee is because I've learned to lie to her (an important lesson when it comes to health care). Oh, and thanks for the last sentence - it actually came across as both sincere AND nice (two things which often confuse when used together).

onthevirg: You're on my shit list for those comments yesterday - I was literally shaking when I got the doctor's. I was convinced she was going to permanently deform me just to reinforce my already high opinion of her.

playoff beard said...

I tried lying to my insurance agent about smoking when I wanted more coverage. I was so busted when their doctor tested me for nicotine & found that I was, in fact, Joseph Camel.

Redhead said...

You're Joe Camel? Wow, I dated you for years before hooking up with the Marlboro Man.

playoff beard said...

I'm still getting over it. SNIFF.

An earlier post about being a reader & not saying hi made me feel guilty. Your blog has really made the twelve hour days fly by.

Thanks Redhead.