Monday, June 18, 2007

Shut Up

OK, I’m going to continue to slack off and give you a half-assed post today. And if you don’t like it, you can bite me. I’ve officially been pushed to my limit.

What’s the story you ask? Fine, I’ll tell you quickly just to gross you out (since you all should be tortured just like I have). Where to start…well, as of Saturday my eye wasn’t really much better than it had been on Monday last week. So I was (not surprisingly) setting new records in pissiness. And in an effort to avoid my boyfriend (who was just trying to help but was starting to get on my nerves) I went into Jersey to visit my parents (I had been planning on going home Sunday for Father’s Day anyway).

Long story short, my mom (upon seeing me when I got home) knew something was very wrong. Like seriously wrong. And I’d like to point out at this point that this was more than my fucking doctor (the bitch who hates me for being a smoker) had deduced the day before. That bitch had told me to simply continue soaking and putting ointment on the fucking eye, and eventually it would heal.

Moron. Incompetent, fucking, moron. (Guess who’s no longer my doctor?)

Anyway, my mother knew better. She (the one without the medical degree) took one look at me, and immediately got on the phone with an ophthalmologist friend of hers (after making the obligatory grossed out noises over my appearance of course). Yes, I let my mommy take care of the problem – fuck off.

So her ophthalmologist friend gets the picture that this sounds like it’s an emergency (or at least that my mom is not going to leave him alone until he agrees to see me) and has us meet him in his office a half-hour later. Five minutes after arriving and taking a close look at me, he proclaims me hideous (yay, that’s the word I had used too!) and…well, I won’t go too into it now, but I ended up needing surgery. ON MY EYELID. The spider bite had gotten infected (don’t ask), and he needed to go in and clean the infection out.

And here’s where I pose the question: Have you ever gotten a shot in your eye? Looked up and seen a needle coming at your eye? Anyone? Anyone? WELL FUCK YOU. I have.

It hurts.

But I’m over it (total lie). And now that I’m (thankfully) no longer crying tears of blood (which was AWESOME by the way), I think the worst is (finally) behind me. I’m told I’ll even be back to looking normal in a week or so. And this time I actually think it might be true!

In the meantime, I need help coming up with another word to describe myself – hideous seems a little overdone now. I’m thinking: Revolting; Unsightly; Gruesome. I don’t know – feel free to offer up your own suggestions. As for me, my grody eye and I are going to try to get some work done (can you believe I’m in the office today?). Yes, I may be the best employee ever (another lie).

Happy fuckin’ Monday.


onthevirg said...

Good lord, your ex-doctor is the best! Got to love the fantastic health care system. I TOLD you you needed to go to the doctor. I guess I should have specified a competent doctor. Glad to hear that eventually you got to see someone that knew what the hell they were doing though.

I vote for ghastly. It has a nice old world ring to it.

Redhead said...

Good lord it's ghastly!
Yup, that's a good one.

Bella said...

Poor Redhead. I feel for you, I really do. Hope it heals nicely now and I'm sure you will recover beautifully (now that you are able to!).

Healthcare sucks. I know, I work in the medical field.

playoff beard said...

WOW. And you still went to work? The eye infection & subsequent needle ties a lovely bow on your last five days.

As a sickeningly optimistic guy, I find two bright spots in this ordeal. One, your apartment is spider & critter free. Two, you can look forward to not seeing a doctor who overcharged for the privilege of mis-diagnosing you.

Have a cigarette & remember this to shall pass.

Redhead said...

bella: You WORK in the medical field and you think healthcare sucks? Yikes. But thanks for the sympathy - it's always appreciated.

playoff beard: Optimism generally annoys me, but I do like your two points. And don't tempt me with the cigarettes! My willpower is at an all-time low right now.

TK said...

abhorrent? repellent? Repugnant?

As always, I'm here to help.

That is truly a tale of woe. Hope you feel (and look) better soon.

Manny said...

How about putrescent?

TK said...

Check out Manny, showing off the big brain again.

Manny said...

Yeah, those Smart Water enema's are paying off in spades.

Redhead said...

I'm SO glad this is the direction the comments have gone in.