Politically Incorrect

There are times when I really wonder if it’s safe for me and Christine to spend a lot of time together – case in point: Sunday Brunch.

So yeah, Christine and I have been spending a lot of time together lately (I think this is because her roommate’s such a prick and she never wants to go home), and Sunday was no different. Only this time we decided to do something together besides go to a bar…so we went to brunch instead (which, not surprisingly, involved cocktails). Anyway, even without large quantities of alcohol, we found MANY things to talk about – not sure all women are like this, but man do our topics get out of control when there are no boys around. Case in point: Below are some of the things we covered over our two (three?) hour brunch.

Note: Shockingly, we never actually got drunk during this breakfast – in other words, all of these subjects were discussed stone cold sober:

-Top 5 men we want to sleep with – this is something we cover all the time, but since we’re both incredibly fickle, the lists are ever changing.
Christine’s list:
1. Jonathan Rhys Meyers
2. Matthew Goode (he was in Match Point with Rhys Meyers – I get the feeling that film gets a lot of play over at Christine’s)
3. Michael Vartan
4. Colin Farrell
5. Simon Baker

Redhead’s list:
1. Michael Vartan (Christine and I have been known to fight over him)
2. Channing Tatum (seriously ladies, watch the movie She’s the Man – you’ll thank me)
3. Clive Owen
4. Alex Rodriguez (shut up, shut up, shut up)
5. Russell Crowe (he’s the one that ALWAYS makes my list – Christine doesn’t see it)

-What girls would we be willing to sleep with? (Note: This conversation would have been much more interesting if Christine and I were even remotely into girls. Unfortunately – as so many of our boyfriends have complained – we’re not.)
Christine:
1. Angelina Jolie (even though she’s a little scary)
2. Jessica Alba (to see if her body’s really as perfect as it looks)
3. Scarlett Johansson (surprise, surprise – she’s in Match Point too)

Redhead:
1. Charlize Theron (because she’s so pretty, I think I could close my eyes and fake it)
2. Jessica Alba (yeah, I also want to see if there are any flaws)
3. N/A (I couldn’t come up with a third)

-Flight of the Conchords. I don’t know how, but for some reason Christine and I had never talked about the show before. I’m sure you guys find that shocking since I shove the show down your throats on a weekly basis. (Hey, did you see Sunday’s episode? Fucking awesome – go home and watch it, I beg you.)

Anyway as you guys know I’m a HUGE fan, so when Christine brought it up – and mentioned that she fucking LOVES that show – we were off. (Note: Yet another reason why we’re such good friends – I think it takes a certain personality to not only like that show, but to immediately fall in love with it. We both are obsessed; trust me, it says a lot about us.)

The conversation only got creepy when Christine revealed that she has a wee bit of a crush on the show’s two stars – Bret and Jermaine. And when I say a ‘wee bit of a crush,’ what I mean to say is ‘I think I should keep an eye on her to avoid having to bail her out of jail for stalking.’ I’m not even really kidding when I say that. On the plus side, at least I FINALLY found someone (yes, that’s a dig at you guys) to talk to about the show. So yay.

-Gay porn (don’t ask). Essentially – and I think it came out of our discussion over what women we would do (see above) – we talked about how much hotter the idea of two guys together was (as opposed to two girls). That got Christine going about something she’d seen on YouTube a while back. Um…how to put this…hmmm? OK, I’ll just come out with it – apparently there is a version of the show Jesus Christ Superstar (shut up) on YouTube that has a VERY homoerotic Jesus/Judas undertone (yeah, yeah, Redhead’s going to hell, blah, blah, blah – let me point out that this was all Christine’s fault).

Either way, Christine was adamant that it was a total turn on. I just shook my head. Then yesterday, she emailed me the link. I watched it…and couldn’t stop laughing; I was at my desk at work (seriously, I’m going to get fired soon). She claims I was laughing because Judas was dressed all in leather and Jesus looked like Fabio. I’ll agree that may have had something to do with it. But did I think it was hot? No way. But she did. And if that turned her on, I can only imagine what real gay porn would do – so I think I’m going to get Christine some for her birthday. Am I a good friend or what?

-What the fuck is up with some girls? OK, let me explain: As we were sitting there having breakfast, group after group of girls came in to meet up, have brunch, etc. And they all hugged (some even kissed each other on the cheek) when they got there – it was like they hadn’t seen each other in ages. Christine and I have always been baffled by this phenomenon. I mean, why do chicks do this? Most of them haven’t seen each other in a few days, a week tops. Do they really need to hug? And do they need to giggle that much too? What’s the fucking point? It’s annoying.

This got us on the topic of girls who bring cameras everywhere – including bars on Saturday nights. What the fuck is up with that? Am I the only one who fucking wants to tear her hair out when someone asks me to pose for a picture at 1 in the morning? Can someone explain the logic here to me? (I realize I may lose my girl card over this little rant, but I honestly don’t get it – and SO MANY girls are guilty of the above offenses. Explain it to me, please.)

-Christine’s Match.com quest for a worthwhile man. Some more comments on pictures/profiles: Ummm…guys, I think Christine and I know why some of you are still single. For the guys who insist on putting pictures of themselves up where they’re wearing Halloween costumes – stop, you look like an asshole. For the guys who put up pictures of themselves decked out in various fashion faux pas – unless you’re really hot (in which case the discussion then turns to how fixable you are and whether you’re worth the effort), a picture of you wearing something as unforgivable and hideous as jean shorts should never make it onto the Internet. The fact that you put it up yourself as an advertisement for…well, YOU…that’s inexcusable. Stop it. Right now.

Oh, and the guys who – after just a short perusal of your photos and your About Me intro…shit, how do I say this? OK, I’m just going to say it – if Christine and I can tell within just a few seconds that you’re gay, than other people can too. That’s why women aren’t responding. It’s not because you’re not hot (most of the time you really, really are), but women aren’t looking to waste their time. So quit filling out the Man Seeking Woman tag, mkay?

Cool, that’s it for me today – I’m swamped at work this week. How’s everyone else doing?