Tuesday, August 7, 2007

Politically Incorrect

There are times when I really wonder if it’s safe for me and Christine to spend a lot of time together – case in point: Sunday Brunch.

So yeah, Christine and I have been spending a lot of time together lately (I think this is because her roommate’s such a prick and she never wants to go home), and Sunday was no different. Only this time we decided to do something together besides go to a bar…so we went to brunch instead (which, not surprisingly, involved cocktails). Anyway, even without large quantities of alcohol, we found MANY things to talk about – not sure all women are like this, but man do our topics get out of control when there are no boys around. Case in point: Below are some of the things we covered over our two (three?) hour brunch.

Note: Shockingly, we never actually got drunk during this breakfast – in other words, all of these subjects were discussed stone cold sober:

-Top 5 men we want to sleep with – this is something we cover all the time, but since we’re both incredibly fickle, the lists are ever changing.
Christine’s list:
1. Jonathan Rhys Meyers
2. Matthew Goode (he was in Match Point with Rhys Meyers – I get the feeling that film gets a lot of play over at Christine’s)
3. Michael Vartan
4. Colin Farrell
5. Simon Baker

Redhead’s list:
1. Michael Vartan (Christine and I have been known to fight over him)
2. Channing Tatum (seriously ladies, watch the movie She’s the Man – you’ll thank me)
3. Clive Owen
4. Alex Rodriguez (shut up, shut up, shut up)
5. Russell Crowe (he’s the one that ALWAYS makes my list – Christine doesn’t see it)

-What girls would we be willing to sleep with? (Note: This conversation would have been much more interesting if Christine and I were even remotely into girls. Unfortunately – as so many of our boyfriends have complained – we’re not.)
Christine:
1. Angelina Jolie (even though she’s a little scary)
2. Jessica Alba (to see if her body’s really as perfect as it looks)
3. Scarlett Johansson (surprise, surprise – she’s in Match Point too)

Redhead:
1. Charlize Theron (because she’s so pretty, I think I could close my eyes and fake it)
2. Jessica Alba (yeah, I also want to see if there are any flaws)
3. N/A (I couldn’t come up with a third)

-Flight of the Conchords. I don’t know how, but for some reason Christine and I had never talked about the show before. I’m sure you guys find that shocking since I shove the show down your throats on a weekly basis. (Hey, did you see Sunday’s episode? Fucking awesome – go home and watch it, I beg you.)

Anyway as you guys know I’m a HUGE fan, so when Christine brought it up – and mentioned that she fucking LOVES that show – we were off. (Note: Yet another reason why we’re such good friends – I think it takes a certain personality to not only like that show, but to immediately fall in love with it. We both are obsessed; trust me, it says a lot about us.)

The conversation only got creepy when Christine revealed that she has a wee bit of a crush on the show’s two stars – Bret and Jermaine. And when I say a ‘wee bit of a crush,’ what I mean to say is ‘I think I should keep an eye on her to avoid having to bail her out of jail for stalking.’ I’m not even really kidding when I say that. On the plus side, at least I FINALLY found someone (yes, that’s a dig at you guys) to talk to about the show. So yay.

-Gay porn (don’t ask). Essentially – and I think it came out of our discussion over what women we would do (see above) – we talked about how much hotter the idea of two guys together was (as opposed to two girls). That got Christine going about something she’d seen on YouTube a while back. Um…how to put this…hmmm? OK, I’ll just come out with it – apparently there is a version of the show Jesus Christ Superstar (shut up) on YouTube that has a VERY homoerotic Jesus/Judas undertone (yeah, yeah, Redhead’s going to hell, blah, blah, blah – let me point out that this was all Christine’s fault).

Either way, Christine was adamant that it was a total turn on. I just shook my head. Then yesterday, she emailed me the link. I watched it…and couldn’t stop laughing; I was at my desk at work (seriously, I’m going to get fired soon). She claims I was laughing because Judas was dressed all in leather and Jesus looked like Fabio. I’ll agree that may have had something to do with it. But did I think it was hot? No way. But she did. And if that turned her on, I can only imagine what real gay porn would do – so I think I’m going to get Christine some for her birthday. Am I a good friend or what?

-What the fuck is up with some girls? OK, let me explain: As we were sitting there having breakfast, group after group of girls came in to meet up, have brunch, etc. And they all hugged (some even kissed each other on the cheek) when they got there – it was like they hadn’t seen each other in ages. Christine and I have always been baffled by this phenomenon. I mean, why do chicks do this? Most of them haven’t seen each other in a few days, a week tops. Do they really need to hug? And do they need to giggle that much too? What’s the fucking point? It’s annoying.

This got us on the topic of girls who bring cameras everywhere – including bars on Saturday nights. What the fuck is up with that? Am I the only one who fucking wants to tear her hair out when someone asks me to pose for a picture at 1 in the morning? Can someone explain the logic here to me? (I realize I may lose my girl card over this little rant, but I honestly don’t get it – and SO MANY girls are guilty of the above offenses. Explain it to me, please.)

-Christine’s Match.com quest for a worthwhile man. Some more comments on pictures/profiles: Ummm…guys, I think Christine and I know why some of you are still single. For the guys who insist on putting pictures of themselves up where they’re wearing Halloween costumes – stop, you look like an asshole. For the guys who put up pictures of themselves decked out in various fashion faux pas – unless you’re really hot (in which case the discussion then turns to how fixable you are and whether you’re worth the effort), a picture of you wearing something as unforgivable and hideous as jean shorts should never make it onto the Internet. The fact that you put it up yourself as an advertisement for…well, YOU…that’s inexcusable. Stop it. Right now.

Oh, and the guys who – after just a short perusal of your photos and your About Me intro…shit, how do I say this? OK, I’m just going to say it – if Christine and I can tell within just a few seconds that you’re gay, than other people can too. That’s why women aren’t responding. It’s not because you’re not hot (most of the time you really, really are), but women aren’t looking to waste their time. So quit filling out the Man Seeking Woman tag, mkay?

Cool, that’s it for me today – I’m swamped at work this week. How’s everyone else doing?

19 comments:

onthevirg said...

A-rod...*Shakes head*. You realize you're probably not manly enough enough for him right? Besides, his heart really belongs w/ Jeter. And I'm really kinda shocked that neither one of you threw McConaughey in there.

You know what I'm sure I'm in the male minority here but, Alba...meh. I mean she's attractive and all, but I dunno, I think there's more beautiful women. Now Theron, that woman is just striking.

Gay porn. Shudder

Those girls are the ones that probably worship the Hiltons/Ritchies of the world and need to have some sense slapped into them.

Christine sounds a little crazy/freaky (which = wicked in the sack). Surprised she's having so much trouble finding a dude.

OK OK. I'll try catching an ep of Conchords.

As to how I'm doing right now...I've got something up about that.

TK said...

Just gonna pretend I didn't read what you wrote about A-Rod. Or I'll pretend that you put it in the gay porn section.

What's wrong with hugging? When I meet up with my friends, I usually hug their girlfriends/wives, the guys shake hands, the girls hug, etc., etc... intimacy issues, anyone?

Alba is cute, but not the crazy hot people make her out to be. Theron I can't stand, and that detracts from her overall appeal. Plus, Hollywood is lousy with tall blondes. Scarlett is top shelf. My current crushes are Anne Hathaway, Eva Mendes, Mary Louise Parker, and Maggie Gyllenhall. Got a thing for Kate Winslet too.

TK said...

Oh, and I gave Conchords a shot. Like watching grass grow.

onthevirg said...

TK - I'm with you on everyone but Gyllenhall. You are spot on about Anne Hathaway by the way. She looks spectacular in that movie Havoc. Watched it just cause she had nude scenes in it.

glassyarddog said...

No comment on the guys - I couldn't care less.

I'm all about Penelope Cruz and Alyssa Milano. Most of the others (Alba, Scarlett, etc.) are just too young for my taste. My oldest kid can fantasize about them.

Gay porn - NEXT!

Hugging - all for it.

Match.com - once again, no knowledge, yawwwwwwnn.

Redhead said...

onthevirg: Yes, I know I'm not manly enough for him - now shut up, we've already had this discussion.
McConaughey - eh.
Theron - damn right she's striking, I have good taste.
And Christine can find a guy - she just can't find a worthwhile one; that's a totally different thing.

tk 1: I don't have intimacy issues, I guess I just don't see the point of hugging someone you see all the time. I mean, a friend or family member who doesn't live nearby and you haven't seen in a while, sure. A friend that you see all the time - what the fuck are you doing? Are you THAT in need of physical contact?
Maggie Gyllanhaal? Dude.

tk 2: Wow, you're so not the guy I thought you were. First you turn out to be as touchy feely as a teenage girl, and now it turns out you have no sense of humor. Hey, that's cool - nothing to feel bad about. Good taste isn't for everyone.

glassyarddog: Way to add something to the conversation. The only thing you could add was that you were pro hugging? What is with you people?

TK said...

To be serious for a moment... I guess I disagree - I don't see the difference between kissing my wife goodnight (or hello), versus shaking a male friend's hand versus hugging a female friend. It's a physical part of the greeting process. It's not because I desperately missed them, or crave affection, it's just... I dunno. But if you think it's weird... well, then it must be weird.

Because we all know how normal you are.

Right?

Um...

As for Conchords... I dunno. It made me crack a grin here and there, but wasn't laugh-out-loud funny. But then, TV rarely is for me, which is why I only watch two TV shows.

Jumpshootingfool said...

I'm way out of touch...I only knew A-Rod, Crowe, and Farrell from your list. Guess I should get to the movies more, huh?
As for the chicks, I couldn't care less for most of them. I would like Charlize and Scarlett to make a Jumpshootingfool sandwich out of me though...
Gay porn? MALE gay porn? Just nearly lost my lunch. As a friend of mine so eloquently put it when his wife overheard us discussing lesbians, "two guys together are disgusting. Two women together is like....art." Don't think he got any that night.
I agree with tk. Whenever the gang gets together, everyone hugs, kisses, etc. Seemed normal until you brought it up...

glassyarddog said...

That's why I quoted "yawwwwwnn".

Sleepy day, sleepy topics, rainy, etc.

Sorry to disappoint. Gay porn just isn't a topic that turns me on.

Next time I'll just fake blog like Creed on The Office.

Redhead said...

Note to everyone before I begin: I'm in a craptastic mood today (in case you didn't notice). One guess why.

tk: OK, let's just agree to disagree on this one - I mean, I get the whole handshake thing, and if I'm meeting very close friends or family (that I don't see very often) for dinner, I will give them a hug upon arriving. But when meeting friends that I see fairly regularly for dinner...no, I don't hug or kiss. I think it's completely unneccesary and weird. But that's just me, and apparently I'm not totally normal (or nice).

As for Conchords - I don't know what to say. I laugh out loud, I love how totally out there and random it is, I think there's at least one song per episode that kills me, and often when I think about it after the fact, I find that the episodes are actually really smart. But it's a very distinct kind of humor that's not for everyone - I, obviously, love it.

jumpshootingfool: A lot of those guys aren't mainstream - I say google them (if you care), and it should be pretty obvious right away why we like them.

Yes, gay MALE porn. I think most men really don't realize that women like that shit almost as much as guys like to see 2 girls together (something that doesn't turn me on at all - although I don't get freaked out by it like guys do when discussing 2 men). It should make sense why we like it too - men turn us on, 2 is better than one, and the taboo aspect adds to it. Now everyone calm down - I wasn't asking you to do anything, I was just repeating a conversation.

glassyarddog: Okey dokey.

onthevirg said...

You're right. I'm sorry. I mean, what beautiful young woman wouldn't want a virile, athletic, handsome, rich, totally gay man on top of her.

I think the handshake, hug, etc. stuff is OK (though the g/f is totally against PDA), it's just the obnoxious loudness, carrying on & "everyone look at us" that bugs me.

Redhead said...

OK, now you're just pissing me off - when did I ever say I wanted to have one on one sex with a gay guy?

onthevirg said...

Well, you said you wanted to do A-Rod. Same thing. So actually, this morning.

You know I'm just yanking your...ummm...chain right?

Redhead said...

OK you actually made me smile. Thanks - I needed that.

Dave said...

I have to agree on the your lady friends. My third would be Maura Tierney, Abbey in "ER". Always have had a thing for her. You know, the girl next door you want to have a beer with and see what happens.

I haven't seen enough of "Flight" to have a full opinion. I can see why you may love it though.

I am so glad you guys haven't come across my match.com profile, which is now parked. Within a month I found an exceptional lady and we are exploring the fun and curiosity of a new relationship. I have "over reached" as the saying goes.

onthevirg said...

Well good. That's what I'm know for. Pleasing the ladies. *Nudge Nudge* Know what I'm saying?

fear.of.landing said...

Who are these people that havent eagerly embraced Flight of the Conchords? I dont have HBO but still make seeing it a priority. (Are you sure that your friend isnt Mel in disguise?)

I am not much of a hugger. I used to try to go along with it til someone told me I made a face when I did it. OOPS haha

Bella said...

You have no idea how I want to comment this.

Unfortunately, it would get me in trouble with DH.

Damn.

Redhead said...

dave: You have to watch Conchords - it's my mission to get as many people to love that show as possible. Oh, and Maura Tierney?

onthevirg: You're so weird - lucky for you I've always had a soft spot for weird.

fear.of.landing: OK, now you're my favorite commenter.

bella: You forgot to write *as she tiptoes away without making eye-contact*