So I got an email from my friend Linda yesterday – you may remember her from here. And as I read through it I realized that we hadn’t spoken in a couple of months. No big deal – it was more of an observation than anything else. (Hmmm, maybe I should explain that a bit more…)
OK, here’s the thing – I can easily go months without talking to a friend. How is that possible, you ask? Well, the easy answer is I’m lazy and like to be left alone; if my friends don’t call me I won’t call them. (Yes, I suck.) But, since my friends all know this, it’s not an issue. They DO call me. (I lost track of the ones who didn’t long ago.)
But sometimes shit happens, and I won’t hear from someone for a long period of time. This can happen for many reasons, but the top ones are: 1) Work’s crazy, 2) They were on vacation and when they got back they had shit to do, or 3) They found themselves a boyfriend.
Let me be clear: I am not implying that my friends are the type to drop off the face of the earth when they find a man – I don’t hang with those chicks. But when they’re the ones who have to make all the effort to keep in touch (again, I suck), I tend to become the person who slips through the cracks. And I’m cool with that. OK? OK, now back to my story.
So my email dings yesterday, and it’s Linda. She wants to hang out, she just got back from vacation (aha!), AND she has a new boyfriend. “Ooh” I replied, “Who is he? How’d you meet him?”
“It’s Charlie,” she wrote back. And I thought…OH FUCK!
Here’s the problem with Linda dating Charlie – Charlie has been Linda’s friend for a while, I’ve met him on multiple occasions, he’s a total tool, and he once asked me out and I laughed in his face.
Yeah, you read that right. I quite literally…laughed…in…his…face.
Yup.
You see what happened was we were all out at a bar a few months ago, and Charlie had cornered me into a conversation. Charlie is socially awkward and just plain annoying, so don’t even think about blaming me for deciding to start drinking. And for continuing to drink. Anyway, by the time he asked me out (shocking the shit out of me), I was pretty well buzzed. So I…laughed in his face. And umm…said no. And walked away…
The thing is, Charlie is both self-righteous and completely lacking in a sense of humor (not that I expected him to find his asking me out as funny as I did). He’s also tall, kind of fat, not at all attractive, and slightly balding. I am not only NOT attracted to him physically, but I think he’s a total jackass. So I laughed.
Still, he’s Linda’s friend, so…yeah, I should have handled it better.
Only now Linda’s dating him. And while I never told her what happened at the bar that night (why would I sell myself out?), and I doubt he did either (you don’t tell a girl you’re dating that you once hit on her friend), this could still get sticky. Because I don’t want to hang out with them, I’m sure he doesn’t want to hang out with me, and neither of us can tell Linda why.
So what I’m thinking will happen is Linda will insist we all go out, he’ll act weird (because he’s the complete opposite of cool), and Linda will get suspicious.
Then Linda will freak out. Because here’s the thing – Linda and I have known each other for a while. And she has some issues with me. She’s…not entirely comfortable letting guys she likes near me. Long story short, it started in high school when the guy she was in love with told her he had a crush on me. The fact that I wasn’t interested didn’t matter, and Linda ended up not speaking to me for MONTHS (even though I had never done anything wrong!).
Now Linda has another boyfriend – one who (at least a few months ago) was interested in me. And if Linda finds out what happened – not just that he asked me out but also how rude I was to him (oops) – I’m…uh…fucked I guess is the word.
So…any suggestions people? You know me – I don’t do subtlety and “nice stuff” well so I am fully capable of making this whole thing worse. Oh, and don’t tell me she’s overreacting (or will be) if she gets mad – while that’s true and I totally agree (I hate drama), this is one of my best friends here. So be good.
13 comments:
Aw, Hell. This one's easy. You go out with them, you act totally normal, you don't do anything to make the situation awkward. You pretend it never happened. Completely innocent.
And if Loserboy starts to get fussy or act weird, you are COMPLETELY BAFFLED BY IT. And have no idea what his problem is. Just do not stray from the "it never happened" mindset, and act accordingly.
Red,
Have to agree with TK. The only way it would come up is if Charlie mentions it, which I hope is doubtful. If he does and also mentions any rudeness, then two things, He is a Loserboy and you say that you don't remember it that way. Do you think one of your best friends will think you are "lying"? Just some miscommunication over a few drinks months ago.
Dave (forgot my password temporarily - senile)
I disagree. Tell Linda about the encounter, play it off to drinking, then live without her calling you for six months until she dumps the loser. Then, call Christine to get drunk after your final booty call with Tat Guy.
Man, I should write for a living.;)
EAT MEAT! (my new signoff)
That dude sure has balls to get with one of your good friends after you rebuked him.
If you are happy for your friend since she is in a relationship I'd say go out with them and try to make him feel as uncomfortable as possible. That will force him to do something and you'll get a laugh out of it.
If you aren't happy about it, go out with him and say something to him in front of everyone. This will cause a big scene, he'll probably cry and she'll be forced to break up with him then. Or...if you are with a group of friends there might be other ladies he's asked out too. It could be like an intervention or something where people come together to tear something down, kind of an anti-Church setting, maybe?
tk: No, the problem isn't me not being able to "play innocent" - it's him. He'll do something stupid (because that's what he does), and I'll get in trouble again even though it's NOT MY FAULT.
dave: I got to work the other day and not only couldn't remember my password to get into my computer, I forgot my log in name - and I'm not even close to old enough to be senile, so don't feel bad.
Oh, and my friends know me - of course they'll think I'm lying, it's what I do.
glassyarddog: Love the new sign off, am never going to be the one to tell Linda everything, will of course live if she ignores me for 6 months (although I'd like to avoid it if possible), and when it comes to getting drunk with Christine - I don't need Tat Guy as an excuse.
jack: He was her friend for like a year before they got together, so I don't blame him for hitting on other chicks - I just blame him for hitting on me. And while I would normally just wait them out until they'd broken up, I'm worried they might actually work out. I mean, they were friends beforehand, Linda has awful taste, and he makes lots of money. If that happens - I'm fucked. BUT, I'm not going to try to break them up (I have enough karmic problems).
And as for the big scene - are you fucking nuts! That's my friend we're talking about.
Alright, then you just have to stick it out and not say anything...
It's just...I'm so BAD at doing the right thing.
Play footsie with him under the table. When he gets a raging hard-on, "accidently" spill your drink on his lap. When he jumps up to head to the mens room, point at said hard-on and laugh hysterically. You'll never see him again AND you'll be able to continue drinking with your friends. All in all, sounds like it'd be a fun night!
This is one for the books. Just be honest, it'll only be worse if it comes out later.
jumpshootingfool: Dude, this is my friend's BOYFRIEND! Bad advice, bad, bad advice.
manny: Wow, a legitimate suggestion from manny that doesn't include telling me to show my tits. Thanks. Still, I don't do honesty well, so I think I'm going to go with my usual mixture of avoidance and denial. Solid plan, right?
He's the boyfriend that you don't want her to have, correct? The longer this goes on, the better the chance you have of being discovered, right? I still like my plan. Sounds like a little public humiliation will be good for him, and think of the blog potential!
I am not destroying a friendship for your entertainment!
I am not destroying a friendship for your entertainment!
God, you are a fucking killjoy. Look, here's a solution where everyone wins:
You go out with them. You play a little footsie with BOTH of them, so your friend won't think you're hitting on her man. Instead she'll think you want a threesome. Then you take your tits out, and tell her that it was his idea. They break up, you still get some awkwardness, but you and your friend will recover, you still get to lie, you have an almost-threesome story (which will make Onthevirg happy), and Manny gets to hear about tits!
I'm telling you, it's brilliance!
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